V.1
Are self exile
and seclusion
worthwhile
delusions
to the reality
and the pain
of the normality
we feign
to survive
in this world
when our lives
have been hurled
down the
chasm of sadness
into a
cavern of madness
where nobody cares
and nobody hopes
because everybody bears
and everybody copes
with the torture
of time
in this orchard
of mimes
we have made
of ourselves
because we've stayed
on the shelves
of sordid
concessions
and morbid
depression
that corrodes
and binds
and erodes
our minds. . .
V.2
Are self exile
and seclusion
worthwhile
delusions
from the reality
and pain
of the normality
we feign
to survive
in this world
when our lives
come unfurled
when we cry
in despair
and we try
to be fair,
but our peers
say we lack
and our fears
hold us back
from what makes
someone the best
and what it takes
to pass the test
of fame
and fortune
and of blame
and distortion
of confidence
and of truth
and of the innocence
of our youth. . .
V.3
Should we set
ourselves aside
to get
away and hide
from our own defective
ways
or the world's ineffective
laze,
or should we face
the world head on
and replace
the universal yawn
with an interest
anew
in the happiness
of the few
that inside at
our core
have decided
we want more. . .
Author notes
This one is still being worked on. I started it when I was in college. I spent the majority of the one semester I went to college not sleeping. I was extremely depressed, competely spaced out 95% of the time, and was barely eating or sleeping. Anyway, I put it away for a long time, and now I can't seem to finish it cuz I simply can't seem to find that place anymore. . . Anyway, I started on 3 separate verses to this one and didn't finsish any of them. . . Please share your thoughts on this one, as I would really like to see it finished some day.
Written October 12th, 2005
A contest entry
- what drives the freaks by Aroarathebloody.
500 points, ended April 29, 2006, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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i love this poem! i could read it a million times and never get tired of it... i don't know how many times i've read it already, but i know after a while i'm gonna read it again! keep writing, nate, you're the greatest and you know it....
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What exactly do you mean by "first line"? I honestly don't know what you're talking about. . . all these words came straight from my very own psycho-sadistically distraught neuro-dendritic decay aided and abetted by the influences of the one and only semester of college I punished myself with nearly three years ago. . . I've never seen it anywhere else, that's not to say it /hasn't/ been written anywhere else, only that when I wrote this piece three years ago, the only things that influenced the words contained were separation anxiety, borderline schizophrenia, severe depression and SEVERE sleep deprivation. However, I would be intrigued to see the 'original' context of these words if they truly have been published elsewhere. Thank you for your insight.
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I have seen and used that first line (Saw it in a book) where did you find it? Any who it was chilling to read it (bad memories came back to me)
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Yeah, I've pretty much accepted this one as done. It's been over two years since I wrote most of it. The tone change in the third verse is due mostly to the fact that it was written several months after the first two. Looking back, it actually does seem to dissipate into a very open, but rather conclusive ending. . . in a way. Much thanks for the comment zt.
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The answers are "yes", "yes", and "the latter". I'm impressed by your rhyme and rhythm in this. Since I don't know where you were going, I am not the best judge, but it seems finished to me. Sometimes, we write these things down and the anger / frustration / energy just boils away. While that may not be the poetic or artistic end, it is the emotional end. Accept it and move on...
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Thanks. Your input means a lot to me. Thanks for the comment.
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This is fantastic, I dont care what anyone says it is perfect. The flow was so dead on and just like a fast stream of an angry river. I liked that it read quick and smooth and FAST! and yes ran on and on and on, bt thats what helped the flow. This had wonderful meaning behind it as well, you are a great poet Natie!
♥
Angel ♥
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interesting
sometimes things just should continue and never reach completion and this might be one of those things and seems to keep moving in a never ending spiral of life and its substance and myths ...........................just accept that it will go on and may never have an end and that is just fine really because in the end nothing really matters....it does and it doesn't and who really really cares anyway??????????????????????????????????????????/ -
I really like this piece and the way it was worded. I really enjoyed the style and the short choppy sentences. Dispite the short sentences this piece really flowed well. Good poem. - cgirl0410
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As I gasp for breath and lie nearly comatose on the floor from lack of ixygen, I wonder where am I suppose to breathe in this poem? I usually try to read the poems out loud, and without commas to tell me where to stop, take a breath and start again, I fell myself turning blue. All kidding aside, this is a good thought provoking poem, just have trouble with the oxygen stuff.
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As I was reading this, I was reminded of Shel Silverstein... A lot of his rhymes follow this pattern. It's actually very good. You bring up some very profound thoughts. I like how you've repeated your first several rhymes before deviating into separate thoughts. I wish you would have done the same with your third verse. Good job and thanks for sharing.
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Mindblowing
The first verse gave me chills the whole time I was reading it. The other two, not so much. They were still good, but something was missing. I know that when you get really miserable and sick of this world you find a way to word things that is truly poetic. I've always thought that by disconnecting yourself from this world you see it in a different light. But that’s something you just can't do on command and the road to that point is paved with pain. The first part I loved! The other two lose that touch of insanity that the first one thrives on. A superior poem none the less. Good luck. -
really good job, i hope you finish this even if it takes years from now, sometimes a poem takes alot of time to be finished and really good, im so glad i read this its really good, but dont spend sleepless night on this, your doing a wonderful, and even if you just write a line a day would be good, but i cant give you anymore advice on this because its so great so far i know, if you work on it more, you will be able to finish it so dont give up! good luck on the contest, and keep writting! Jen (judge)
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Thanks for the comment. . . I really want to finish this one, but can't seem to find the frame of mind i was in when I initially wrote it. . . I appreciate the comprehensive criticism though. It's always a pleasure to hear what others think of my work. One of these days I'll finish it. . . I'll let you know so you can see how it turns out. . .
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Wonderful
I really like this poem. The way it is broken up into short phrases simulates the drudgery and mechanical repetitiveness of life very well, wether or not that's intentional.
"where nobody cares
and nobody hopes"
These lines struck me as having the most pungent air of desperation. This poem applies well to the apathy of my life at the minute. So that makes it even better in my eyes. It makes me feel contaminated. Wonderful.
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