The Box by DanASBO at All poetry

By me, right now

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oOHannahListerOo
May 12

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ooo..

wow dan this is packed with emotion and depth ...
really moving. your use of repetition is great. Not overly done.
this is a beautiful piece . mindlanders have talent
Keep them coming
Nah
x

sensualbutterfly
October 31, 2007
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Wow! Very touching. Wonderful poem, absolutely wonderful.

Behind-My-Words
February 21, 2007

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Love it

"Misplaced within this box
Is the innocence of youth
Only when it's found
Will the child know the truth"
I love this line alot! Your writting is very impactful and shows that you had alot of emotion as a child that you never really let go of
I had alot of poems like this when I was younger, like "So I will find to relief from the pain, just one more bottle
On a shelf to deal with later
But now that the light is gone I see
That I will have a lot to do when later comes"
Its called Little Light in my profile (I think or somthing like that
You should check it out

But in any case I love the energy you place in your words and how every rhyme flows with te meaning of the last
Also I love how you didnt use any unneeded adjectives! I hate poems that have constintly repeated adjectives in a row that all mean the same thing!! lol
any way I love the poem
Keep writting
~Behind-My-Words

Nicolette Everett
February 21, 2007

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Incrediable

This poem is definitly great, theres no denying it. I love all of it and how here is a lot of emotion and depth. This is incrediable. Keep it up!!!!

lady Rose
February 21, 2007

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nicely done

i would have said the repetative use of the wod box was too much for me...but somehow it works in this piece!! very nicely done i enjoyed the imagy very much...nicely layerd!!!

grannyeri

February 21, 2007

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I see I commented on this over a year ago - recycling is good. LOL This poem has so many layers to it and you have so many comments on the way it should or could be written. Hope it's the way you want it to be now...

DanASBO
August 13, 2006
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On the meter side of things; I don't like this verse:

The box holds a secret
If only the child knew
Inside this box is the key
To the child's true virtue

Any suggestions?

DanASBO
August 13, 2006
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I think I finally get the "u s u s u s u u" (I always wondered what that stood for, now I know) The iambic stuff still confuses ne but carry on, lol

Dan.

Loveboots
August 13, 2006
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OK - I see your author page is back to normal, so I feel a bit happier about posting comments.

Lets go for metre this time.

I suggest, that before you read this you go back and read the comments I left about rhyme again. Rhyme and metre work together.

Again - I assume you know nothing - so we start with the very very basic ideas.
Metre is the way in which the lines are stressed to give a rythm to the piece. In English words of more than one syllable have a set emphasis to them when spoken. You stress certian syllables but not others. For clarity I will write stressed syllables in caps.

EG:
INdePENdence
HAPPiNESS
BEhind
UNder
COMpuTER

The idea of metre is that you structure the syllables in the lines so that the reader finds a natural rythm and follows the flow and rhyme scheme easily. It's easier to work on when you read the poem out loud so you can hear how the words are stressed.

I'll go back to Ghengis's comment:

"Representing a stressed syllable with s and unstressed with u, you first line is
usususuu = iamb,iamb,iamb,pyrrhic. Fairly good approximation to iambic tetrameter.
The iamb, a ti tum sound repeated (but not to excess), is a pleasant conversation rhythm."

What he means is that the first line:
"Inside this box of memories" follows the pattern usususuu, or to put it another way:

in SIDE this BOX of MEM or ies

Meter is split into "metric feet". A metric foot is a unit of meter and can be composed of different patterns of stressed and unstressed syllables. An "iamb" is one kind of metric foot, it is composed of one unstressed syllable followed by one stressed syllable. So Ghengis is saying that your opening line has 3 iambic feet followed by a "pyrrhic" foot - 2 unstressed syllables.

in SIDE this BOX of MEM or ies
u s u s u s u u
iambic iambic iambic pyrrhic

Let me know if this makes sense so far - I actually think there is a better way to explain it but I have written all this now and am reluctant to start again. A friend sent me some pretty good instructions and examples of how this works, I'll see if I can find them and pass them on to you.

The basic idea though is you find a rythm you like and you keep the whole poem in that rythm, in the same way that you impose a rhyme scheme you also impose a metric scheme.

Let me know if you are now completly lost!

LB
x

Loveboots
July 27, 2006
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Anal is good. I find crit an oddly therapeutic passtime. Anal therapy is the best kind LOL

I dont have time now, and it's the big move tommorrow, so I will hopefully have internet access back at the start of next week, I'll see what I can do then with regard to a quick look over the rest of the collection.
I'll also try to come back to this piece asap.

If you do want to change anything around in this piece during this crit, please could you do it off-line and leave the poem on this page as it is until we have finished? If you start swapping things about before we have a complete picture it can very complicated.

Thanks for the applauds on the comments by the way! Makes me feel less like I am being verbose and more like I am being useful.

LB
x
Edited on Jul 27, 2:01 p.m. because ''.

DanASBO
July 27, 2006
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I always forget to click the reply box

look up ^

Dan.

DanASBO
July 27, 2006
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I would not want a comment on the other pieces, I just ask that you read them as to get an idea of the direction I'm going with this.

I understand the need to treat each piece as seperate, as they will be viewed as seperate if I ever get round to finishing/publishing this collection.

I know how much time it takes critique a piece as in depth as you have (so far) so be as brief or as anal as you want.
Feel free to be as "picky" as you want, I won't take offense, that's what a critical review is for

Dan.

Loveboots
July 27, 2006
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Sure, we can do this any way you want. I have a tendancy to be rather anal, and would normally have done the crit for this one in completion and then asked you to do the next one yourself to see if you say similar things to what I might have said.

If you want to take a few days with no further comment from me that is fine too, there is, as you say, a lot to talk about.

Don't be disheartend that I have so much to say on this, I am being especially picky as we are treating this as a learning forum.

If you prefer I can be much more brief.
Just let me know how you want to do this.

If you still want me to read the other stuff on the list at this stage I will, but I would normally do one thing at a time and treat each piece as a seperate entity.

LB
x

DanASBO
July 27, 2006
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I like the idea of:

1. of of of
2. no list
3. no no no
4. no list
5. of of of
6. no list
7. no no no
8. no list

There's a lot to go through here, in a poem viewed by 126 others that deemed it perfect, lol.

Would you mind having a glance through the rest of the series so that you get the feeling of the whole collection?

Thank you ever so much.

Dan.

Loveboots
July 26, 2006
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OK - wording.

REPETITION.

You have used repetition very effectively here. It is easy to get wrong and I try to avoid it, but you have done well - in my opinion.

The use of the word "box" is consistant in the first line of each stanza and this reinforces the title and gives the reader a hook to hang on to throughout. I like it. A lot.

You have also used "box" in the title and in various other lines through the poem. Usually I would consider this over-kill, but here I think it works, because the word is short and because the repetition has an interesting parallel with the subject matter, I'll explain:

The opening stanza states:

Inside THIS box of memories
Of dreams, of hopes, of fears
Is ANOTHER box of emptiness

This gives the immediate image of a load of boxes one inside the other, they are everywhere, stacks of them, like Russian dolls, you can't escape them, they surround you. And so the poem reflects this very cleverly by repeating the word "box" over and over to give the reader the feeling of being penned in by them, surrounded, crowded in, covered in the b******s! It's an effective way to convey an emotion without having to actually describe it.

Word of warning - don't use this device too much in other works, it works here because it fits the subject so well, that won't often be true.

__________________________________________________________

The 1st, 3rd and 7th stanzas also use repetition effectively in the lines:

Of dreams, of hopes, of fears

No friends, No hope, No family

Of turns, of slopes, of curves

I like these lines, they use lists to show how on-going and blocked in all these feelings are -

There's no escape from "NO NO NO"!!!

I would be tempted to make this pattern more solid. Perhaps by using a rep like this in the second line of every other stanza to carry the pattern, build the rhythm, and push the feeling on the reader even more.
I would't use it in every one though, it would get boring.
Perhaps alternate "of, of, of" and "no, no, no" every other stanza. And the stanzas between having no such lines:

1. of of of
2. no list
3. no no no
4. no list
5. of of of
6. no list
7. no no no
8. no list

_____________________________________________________________

Looking at the opening:

Inside this box of memories
Of dreams, of hopes, of fears
Is another box of emptiness
Of doubts, of grief, of tears

The line:

Of dreams, of hopes, of fears

doesnt sit right with me. As a reader I want the list to be a list of *related* things, but I have 2 good things (dreams and hopes) and then, suddenly, a bad thing (fear).

The line "Of doubts, of grief, of tears" is a list of all bad things, and would contrast much better with the other list if the other list was all good things.

The idea of having good things, but having them contain bad things is much stronger than a box of various mixed up stuff containing a box of bad stuff.

Unfortunatly that scuppers your rhyme scheme - and there lies the real problem.
Because the "fears" don't fit in that list, what you get is a "forced rhyme". This means that it appears to the reader that the rhyme scheme is controlling you, and you are not controlling it. It is a dead give away that you have caved under the pressure of the form you are working to, and it ruins your illusion of power over the page.

I would rework the opening, keeping the "of of of" repetition, but making the lists consistant and keeping a solid rhyme. I'm not sure how I would do it, let me know if you want me to have a go - I don't want to make too many straight suggestions about wording - this is just opinion.

_____________________________________________________________

You have also used "child" a lot.
I'm not sure if I like it or not. It has its merits, it reminds the reader of who we are talking about and children are always emotive and vulnerable and summon up additional sympathy, so to repeat that point is a strong way to play on the reader's feelings.

On the other hand, you are already using a lot of repetition and I'm not sure this one is as powerful as the others - and possibly could be lost without too much detriment to the meaning of the piece. It would also show-off a wider vocabulary.

I'm not sure which way I would go on "child" - what do you think?

__________________________________________________________

Well, I've said loads now, and only really covered repetition.

Are you bored yet?

I'll come back soon and jibber about something else - this process could take some time - please feel free to argue with my points, defend your decisions, ask questions, or rip one of my poems apart in return!

And I remind you, if this gets dull or you feel I am being too critical, just tell me to piss off!

LB
x
Edited on Jul 27, 4:57 because ''.

DanASBO
July 25, 2006
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"You won't learn as much from me, but perhaps it will be a useful start?" Of course it will and hopefully much more. I asked for your opinion so I'm prepared to take it. I'm loggging off for the night so I'll check back tomorrow and reply to any comments you may have made.

I appreciate your time and effort.

Thanks again.

Dan.

Loveboots
July 25, 2006
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No worries.
Don't think about "iambic" stuff for the moment, he's talking about meter there and it's something I am in the process of learning myself, so I can help you out with the theory but I am not great at putting it into practice.

I'll look at some other wording points of this piece next and THEN, if you are still willing, we can have a shufty at the meter of it.

I checked Ghenghis' pages after I had left that comment and it seems he has not been online since December, we may have lost him. It would be a shame. I know what you mean though, he is very technical and can leave you wondering what happened. Don't worry, I am much less knowledgable than him and will do this slowly. You won't learn as much from me, but perhaps it will be a useful start?

If you want me to do this properly it will take some time, this piece I think deserves 3 sets of comments (rhyme/wording/meter).
And I will do one piece at a time.

I am no expert, and you must take what I say at face value - it is only my opinion, and most of it I have learned just by talking to people on this web site, so it's up to you how much you trust the source!
I tend to find that some people make sense and others dont, so I decide who I am going to listen to based on what seems like a sensible approach. Most of this is purley opinion based. - Beware!

LB
x

DanASBO
July 25, 2006
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That was the comment I was reffering to. Ghengis sure is an interesting character. He's actually commented on a few of my writes but at the time I just started this "collection" and didn't really now what I was doing. The whole collection is what I like to call a "mindscape", my thought process. Each part relates to a different aspect of me so it really does have to be viewed as whole. I have plans for at least 4 more, the next one likely to be "The Page" but that will come when I've got a bit more experience and hopefully some more critiques like yours and Ghenghis' (when I can understand them maybe I can improve my work). His critique confused me really. I'm far from stupid but intelligence doesn't equal knowledge. It's like a different language. I'll get there with comments like yours.

Dan.
Edited on Jul 25, 4:02 p.m. because 'Added a comment'.

DanASBO
July 25, 2006
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Now that's a comment!I agree, the second stanza needs to be changed. I'm sure somebody mentioned this before but confused me with iambic what nots an uussuussu's. so AABBCC Line 1 and Line 2 rhyme, Line 3 and line 4 rhyme, line 5 and line 6 etc... that makes more sense. Looks like a label for a pair (I'm guessing you can have more than a pair AAABBBCCCAAA etc) of lines that rhyme. It would be interesting to see how you apply this to the rest of this little series. I'll see what I can think of tho fix that second stanza.

Thank you.

Dan.

Loveboots
July 25, 2006
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Reading the rest of the comments here I see Ghenghis has found your pages.
Ghenghis is like gold dust, a true star of critique. He is harsh and he is very honest and he really knows what he's talking about. It's difficult to keep up with him sometimes, but you could learn a LOT.
Go read some of his stuff too - and crit if you can - just bare in mind when talking to him that he does not mean to be rude, he's just blunt - and thats the best way!
More soon if you want it.
LB
x

Loveboots
July 25, 2006
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Good start - could use some re-working, but n

Oh Man!
I see what you mean about some of the comments you get - and on such an interesting piece too!

OK, there is a lot to be said about this piece, so I might not do it all now, I think I'll split this into parts.
Again, I am assuming you know NOTHING after what you have told me recently - so I really do appolagise for any over simplification. This is going to get really basic.

We'll do rhyme first:

You say you don't know what AABBAABB etc. means, well, here's the explanation:

The rhyme scheme you have used here is ABCB.

You rhyme the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza (verse) with each other and don't rhyme the 1st and 3rd with anything.

A Inside this box of memories
B Of dreams, of hopes, of fears
C Is another box of emptiness
B Of doubts, of grief, of tears

(In AABB you would rhyme the 1st and 2nd together and the 3rd and 4th together and so on).

You have held this rhyme scheme really well throughout the piece.
This good for several reasons:

1. It aids the flow when the reader can predict what is coming next. The read is smoother because the reader isn't having to contend with unexpected sounds.

2. It reinforces the rhythm. Rhyme and rhythm work together to give the reader a complete pattern to follow.

3. Because of the above reasons it helps to pull the reader through the poem, and that is what you need when the poem is longer, like this one. If the rhyme works there is less effort involved and the reader is more likely to finish the piece without getting bored.

4. A good rhyme scheme means the reader can spend more effort concentrating on the content - the words you use BETWEEN the rhymes benefit from being able to claim more attention. As with anything in life when there are mistakes they stand out, when a job is done well the effect is polished and, while the result can be striking, it's not the detail that you immediatly see, it's the overall picture.

There is one imperfect rhyme:

2nd stanza despairs/years.

That's ok, but it could be better, and the fact that this is so close to the start of the piece makes it more obvious.
If it was my poem I would be tempted to get rid of "years" for 2 reasons,
1. It is NOT a perfect rhyme for "despairs"
2. It IS a perfect rhyme for the preceding stanza. (fears/tears).

It works better with the stanza it is NOT in, therefore the discrepancy it has with its own stanza is magnifyed.

I would change the rhyme on the 2nd stanza and rework the lines completly to create a new rhyme there that does not match the first one at all and gives a perfect rhyme in the second.

Perhaps something like:

And in that box another one
Filled only with my anguish
Wrapped in all the pain and guilt
Where dark emotions languish

The lost/tossed rhyme I think is fine. And the rest are perfect rhymes and need no work.

I'll leave it there for now and I'll come back in the next couple of days and go through some other stuff about this piece.

Let me know if you are sick of this already and you are starting to wish you had never asked and just want me to disappear. I know this can get rather dull and technical.

LB
x
Edited on Jul 25, 4:19 p.m. because 'Hideous error!!!!!!!'.

Blondita
July 9, 2006
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The quiet desperation captured in this reminded me (quite strangely) of Nick Drake's song 'Saturday Sun'...

Thought the concept was great, but after the first two stanza's the poem lost its momentum. You have, however, managed to convey a deep sense of sadness throughout.

Sonia

Sunshine Always
July 8, 2006
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Superb! This is absolutely wonderful. The content and imagery are excellent. This very deep write kept me captive to the end.. Again Daniel well done....mal

Summer Dawn
July 4, 2006
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really cool path you took the reader thru as reading, and ended it with a good moral. awesome write.

The.Stars.Go.Blue
June 14, 2006
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WOW! You created some beautiful images in this poem. It reminded me a lot of Pandora's box, when all the troubles of the world were kept in one box, until they were released upon the world.
Your rhyme and rhythm were practically flawless; I only had a problem with your 4th stanza, it seemed off-rhythmed a bit. But still an AMAZING write, you have a lot of talent.
Ashleigh <3

Mairi bheag

March 4, 2006
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Hi Daniel. It can't be helped, but whenever I read anything of yours I find myself wanting to hear it read aloud. You have a natural sense of rhythm, and a simple sense of rhyme which functions with clarity. The rhythm is, however, the rhythm of song or rap, in which words can be stretched or telescoped inwards; hence the syllable-per-line count loses a lot of importance. I hope you don't run across too many people (like me I suppose) who are obsessive syllable-counters. I know this particular collection is straight poetry rather than lyrics, but this poem is a cross-over between the two, or so it seems to me.

Anyhow, I like it very much. It packs a powerful punch, and rests on a simple image.

Robbwindow
January 10, 2006
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good

The corner of the box is something thats happened to me as a boy, the puzzle of a box though I somehow relate with the Clive Barkers Hellraiser. This is a well written piece thanks Daniel.

grannyeri

January 5, 2006
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A wonderful write - a box within a box -so many memories.

KrayZ-2
January 3, 2006
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An Inspirational Poem and Person

You are Extremely talented...thru your life experiences,I can see why...Not only do I applaude your poem,but,your life and existence...your an inspiration...Don't let people or life take away your shine...keep on keep'n on...DREA 112

icequeen81
December 28, 2005
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Such a clever write. It definately paints a picture in my head, I loved every word of it. Excellent job. best wishes always

Ir.muse
December 28, 2005
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wow...This is really a great poem and it deserves all the appluases you've received for it.

Shahrzad

Marks-BabyGirl
December 22, 2005
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nice poem... it really tells a story, it makes so many pictures in my mind like im in the box watching what your going through, but cant help!! love Jayme

ecclesiastes
December 17, 2005
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Wow, what to say?

gothilya
December 17, 2005
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dude that's a great poem.. i just read ur bio and im really sorry....life is unfair.. i was wondering if we could create a group.. gothilya

DreamSpace
December 16, 2005
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I really don't know what to say about this write!! I read your authors page which clearly shows your strong character, as does this poem!!!A great rhyme too!!! And detailed imagary!! I'll totally check out some more of your stuff!!! Congrats!!!

Thoughtful Seeker
December 11, 2005
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great job

very good job here,i think i read this before but didn't get a chance to comment,so even though i don't feel like reading poetry,you are worth the time it takes to say well done. keep up the great work,i'll read the rest at a later time,but again excellent job,i liked how this was done,

JennFeelsLost
December 10, 2005
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I think I told you originally when I read this...and I could've sworn I already commented on it...but I shall do it again... This write is so plesantly different than your normal style. It exudes such strength by the vivid imagery and the rhyming is right on target. I truly liked it alot. Now on a more personal note, I know of this box with you as I have witnessed it oh so many times. I honestly think you are on the right path now to face issues of your past and come to terms with them. Keep it up, Daniel. You deserve to be happy and free of the anguish that has haunted you for so many years.

--Jenn ♥

December 10, 2005
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Excellent

In this box, the maze of life, the battles won and lost; hands
down. With grace and mercy for the living and stories untold; it takes a heavenly
soul such as yours to recite what most of the world has had to
endure. The bitters of bittersweet believing taking it's toll.
You've said a mouthful and may the world take heed; all of us could really use a hug and an open ear. This is well written and
there is no need to dissect these words in hopes of trying to explain the truth for the truth needs no explaination; I second there factual emotions. Excellent presentation and very well expressed which gave me the pleasure of knowing the purpose of these meaningful words and not having the job of trying to figure out what you were saying! Great work of art! B.L.S

Jaded Lily

December 10, 2005
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What can I say that has not already been said? o0o0o0o Nice Title Daneh! Lileh ♥ Daneh

Great Job honey, I'm amazed, yet you have such a well-spring of talent in you that has yet to be tapped. Keep digging Cutie!

Lileh

eyes sewn open
December 10, 2005
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you have a way with words, my friend, one that leads the reader to where you want them to be. I love the basic composition of this piece... truely - you have a gift.

YAY YOU! ^-^

Smirnoff Ice
December 10, 2005
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Very appealing

I think this a great write and a very clever idea that worked well.

The MisSin Truth
December 7, 2005
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of true depth!

yo! i have to give it up to you on this! i would give a thousand applauds if i could. i feel this piece personally! i had goose flesh the whole time i was reading. i will most definitely bookmark this piece.
A True Jewel of words!!!!!
Jah bless

a motion to hate
December 6, 2005
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Very creative, i think it was meant to be spiritual but it kind of made me sad...I guess that doesn't make sense. Childhood is the greatest time of all, only when that "box" is opened do things get a little harder, but I'd rather be miserable and know the truth then be happy and blind to it. Very good read!

Theater Of Dreams
December 5, 2005
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Superb poem

It's a great poem. I am sincerely humbled. I like that. What I don't like are 10,000 word critiques just to suck points. Good God.
Anyhow, thanks for the link. It really is a good poem. On my meter it's excellent. On idiot-meters it needs work. Argh!

B Chandler
December 4, 2005
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in my opinion, try this for your last stanza

The box has many layers...
Many still untold--
It's up to you to find them
Help the child through the cold

Although this write holds great value as being a more spiritual write, the approach taken is very reasonable and thought provoking

Rae

PrabhuDayal Khattar

December 3, 2005
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It is really a great write revealing the strength of the heart which is full of expereices of the life through and through. The thoughts are very deeply touching the philosphy of the life very delicately .The beautuy of the write lies in its deepness which is shown in this write with a great flow and great meaning with its completeness too. The impact of the write is very impressive and just to the point too. I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar

Kilrah
December 3, 2005
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This is a really unique poem. I love the imagery of a box within a box etc. I cannot really comment on the metre etc, but it reads well and really touches the heart

DanASBO
December 1, 2005
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This poem was my first attempt at a piece with meter. Your critique was the best I have ever read. Thank you. This will be my flagship piece in my "Child in a box" series, so this needs to be revised. I have never been taught how to write poetry thus some of the revision you recommended will have to be researched. Thank you again.

Dan

Ghenghis
December 1, 2005
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Technically good. Need to find the edge

Inside this box of memories
Of dreams, of hopes, of fears
Is another box of emptiness
Of doubts, of grief, of tears

A good idea is to read your poetry back to yourself. I say this here because you have lines which flow. In poetry, rhythm is very important. This should be the rhythm of normal speech, but you know that even in normal speech there are ways of saying something which unravel effortlessly and others which get tangled colliding with every flag on the slalom.

Something I do sometimes is to look at the metre of a poem, even if it isn’t intended to be metrical, it helps.

Representing a stressed syllable with s and unstressed with u, you first line is
usususuu = iamb,iamb,iamb,pyrrhic. Fairly good approximation to iambic tetrameter.
The iamb, a ti tum sound repeated (but not to excess), is a pleasant conversation rhythm.

your second line is ususus – iambic trimeter
third is uusususuu – the start here is an anapest (ti,ti,tum), followed by iamb,iamb,pyrrhic
fourth is ususus – iambic trimeter.

Of course reading it you can hear a nice even lilt, iambic tetrameter/iambic trimeter, iambic tetrameter/iambic trimeter.

You are clearly paying attention to rhythm.

The first verse gives a nice metaphor. Memories as a box, contains good things but also a box of bad things.

And in that box another one
Filled only with despairs
Wrapped in all the pain and guilt
That grows throughout the years

The next stanza also keeps the rhythm. The first has a headless iamb to make the four feet, the third has a nice switch of starting with a trochee.
This stanza shows the box of bad things has another box festering.

In the corner of this box
Is a little child lost
No friends, No hope, No family
A child thrown and tossed

then we have uusu(s)us an anapest starts, of appears where a stress should be, it can be stressed but seems a little off.
line 2 uususs – a break of rhythm. Now this might fit the introduction of the image child. This would be a wake up call. The third line is iambic trimeter. The fourth requires a comma between child and thrown, to give a pause to get a iambic feel.
Now I worry about the rhyme. We have the image of a child in the corner of a box. He could quite clearly be thrown and tossed but so far there has been no indication of movement. Although you are being metaphorical, here thrown and tossed sounds like the use of filler to get the rhyme. This is forced rhyme. In poetry (no matter what I might do or what others might tell you), the aim is that words should not be used for any other reason than to further the aim of the poem. If you find yourself putting words in as padding to make a rhythm then you are diverting.

The box holds a secret
If only the child knew
Inside this box is the key
To the child's true virtue
The concept of stress/unstress is important in rhyme. Rhyming on an unstress as in virtue is known as a feminine rhyme. Rhyming on a stress as in knew is known as a masculine rhyme. Trying to rhyme a masculine with a feminine sounds weak.
1st line is trochaic in character (tum,ti)
2nd line could pass iambic
3rd is iambic (anapest at the end is OK)
4th is a double iamb (ti,ti,tum,tum) closing on a trochee. I don’t like the effect here.
This stanza is in need of reworking. The rhythm, the meaning and the rhyme falters badly.
Also in narrative terms, it seems to be a dead end.

Within the box a labyrinth
A puzzle to be solved
The child can't find the answer
Until the child has been absolved
Now let me say at this point, I start to wonder where the poem is going. I glance down the rest and worry a little. I have in the back of my mind, your very moving biography and it colours my appreciation of the piece. However, you are aiming at the piece standing on its own. You and I can both write a sad story like this. You can write some stuff that I can’t because I don’t have the experience you do. Hopefully there is a little that I can write that you similarly are unable to write. This piece doesn’t show anything special so far.
A poem needs to connect somehow. This might be through imagery or metaphor and you have chosen a good enough metaphor, the box. However, beyond that you need to find an angle, something which gives a new insight, an edge, a juxtaposition. The Japanese created haiku’s in which two images are presented to release great insight. The sonnet has in it what is known as a volts, the turn, where a second image is introduced to create a new perspective. Read contemporary poetry. The best often has a turn somewhere towards the end which throws new light.

Misplaced within this box
Is the innocence of youth
Only when it's found
Will the child know the truth
A growing problem I have with the poem is the heavy reliance on abstraction. These are aspects of description which cannot be felt using the five senses. Abstraction generally weakens attachment to a poem. If you want to get a greater insight into this, I have a link on my author page to an essay by Walt McDonald which explains this better than I can.
The rhythm is reasonably good here. The rhyme seems foremost as the concept of knwoing the truth has an uncertain meaning. What does this mean beyond abstraction.

The box is full of twists
Of turns, of slopes, of curves
Can you help the child through?
To reach the future he deserves
In this stanza you now resort to a pious approach. The rhythm is very good but content is very light.

The box has many layers
Many still untold
It's up to you to find them
Help the child through the cold
The final stanza repeats in a different way, the previous stanza. First three lines read well, the last changes beat but possibly it is a good stopping line.

At the end. I feel a little dissatisfaction. You have the start of very good technical skill, the craft side of poetry is possibly something that comes naturally to you. You need to give in depth thought (on the basis of this poem) as to what you are trying to do.

Read lots of contemporary poetry. See how other poets address this. I am sure you have great insight. You need to find ways to release this into your poetry. I am sure you can do it.

Sorry to rush the end, I have to go shortly

By the way I saw the foolish comment about despairs rhyming with years. It just goes to show. Read the comment, then make your own mind up.

November 30, 2005
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I had to look at this one as I have just done one with the same title, this is very good, similar sort of philosophy to mine but different, a different slant on it, I do think dispairs rhymes with years so I guess that depends on ones accent in the use of english, this is a very well put together poem but perhaps just a verse or two short, it seems to me to jump from the life of the child to that of the parent or guardian helping the child find its way through the box, only in the last two stanzas is that mentioned, non the less a brilliant poem, well done

grannyeri

November 28, 2005
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Boxes are used to store all kinds of things, and this big box is filled with smaller ones holding all kinds of things, from memories tothe minds of little people. All those things that are part of growing up for this one person - not good memories. Liked the way you have written this - easy to understand and read.

evilbatwoman
November 28, 2005
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oooo...a greek maze!

I WILL NEVER BELIEVE DESPAIRS RHYMES WITH YEARS!!!!
You like boxes... you should change the title to "the boxes" anyway... blah blah blah...skip the the end... This was spectacular...ladedahdedah... You can't rhyme with crap.

Very in depth, nice form
"Inside this box of memories
Of dreams, of hopes, of fears
Is another box of emptiness
Of doubts, of grief, of tears"
th of,of,of and no,no,no; etc. lovely jolly fun good stuff.
4EVER BEIN ME,
WESLEANN

Annie Oh-So
November 17, 2005
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i like the idea of the box -- very good. i also was caught up in the rhythm of the poem, and although i'm not a fan of rhymes, the rhythm propelled me forward. well done!
---Jo
Please listen to my music
www.purevolume.com/joannaolson

Symphony
October 14, 2005
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This was amazing Daniel, and forgive me for being presumtuous but I assume you're talking about yourself here, and this story was precious - a couple of times it neared repetition but veered away at the last moment before it happened, and the poem as a whole read incrediably well.

Excellent - more than deserves the applaud I'm giving it

dp robertson
October 13, 2005
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i like the mind of this poet way more than I like the poem- no

Eusebius
October 13, 2005
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Bravo!

fine, fine poem! An excellent and inspired sense of meter (which is harder to learn than good rhyme) a fine poem all the way around! Bravo! Bravo!

Hearta
October 13, 2005
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I never doubted your talent

unlike some battling fools

you have a unique and interesting personality <~ that my friend is what you call adding your own "flair" to things.

and this was a perfect example of that, only more toned down

very heartfelt... So if I may help this child out the first thing i would say is on yourself don't ever doubt - with every step you take - step fourth with an open mentality and the rest will just come easy due to your quirky personality!

beautyfull

DanASBO
October 13, 2005
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Christ... I never thought about it like that... I will have to write a part two now

Thanks for the kind comments

Dan

CosmicJoke
October 12, 2005
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But what happens if the child decides to open the box and climb out, leaving all his past obstacles behind him for a fresh new start? I like this, it was wonderfully penned and flowed beautifully. It makes you think, visualize, feel....brilliant, my bunneh.

Jennie

barefoot contessa

October 12, 2005
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This sort of remind me of Pandora's Box.

I feel your pain in this one. We sometime spend our whole lives searching for answers. Sometimes they get answered. Sometime they don't.

dustyfrog
October 12, 2005
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Beautiful, makes a person stop and think about the things an innocent child is put through on a daily basis. deep.

PhoenixSer
October 12, 2005
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My Muffin does me proud, he does! I absolutely adore this poem. It's so amazing, the underlying emotion that seeps though, in my opinion is the most powerful thing. At first, when you read, yuo don't get a real sense of it because of the way you've worded it, but then as you keep going, you start to actually see the emotions that inspired this write. As far as general structure goes, I love the rhyme scheme, makes it flow so well, so easy to read. In all truth, I think you're amazing. All the things you've gone through yet you're still a fun-loving and incredible. Hats off to you m'dear. You certainly have a gift for the written word, an a pen in general. I'm muchly impressed.

~Sarah~

KermitsWoman
October 12, 2005
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Lovely poem but my fav part was the end...
"Misplaced within this box
Is the innocence of youth
Only when it's found
Will the child know the truth

The box is full of twists
Of turns, of slopes, of curves
Can you help the child through?
To reach the future he deserves

The box has many layers
Many still untold
It's up to you to find them
Help the child through the cold"
i mean wow great ending keep it up
LOVE ALWAYS WITH KISSES AND HUGS
~~Sara~~

eternalpoet
October 12, 2005
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5 Stars *****

hello dan dan

sorry to be late to comment on it

... was kinda diverted by the gorrilla tribe

coming to the poem

.. thanks for making me read this write... i am soo very much like thankful to you.. this is really a thought provoking write

... and just as i went on reading it.. i just had to realize i am soo much ingorant about so many facts of life.. the poem seems like it was made from an innocent heart.. trying to figure out the secret behind the condition he is lead upon... the diction is simple... the write is soft.... but out come is complex and something to whose core one may not be able to reach

nice write.. good work.. thanks for sharing my dear friend

*hugs and kisses*

*gives choco*

take cares and have a nice time my dear friend ..................... just keep it up ........................ your humble little friend ..................

.....................

...................

.......................... - vic ( who else???? )

SapphireStars
October 11, 2005
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The search of who you are, a quest that is a lifetime~

Very well written, flow, and rhyme.

Keep on writing!

Tinkerbell2007
October 11, 2005
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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!!!!! i really like this poem, i like the flow, i like everything about it, its just great, keep writing, God Bless!

fuz Z navel
October 11, 2005
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WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! i love this i love it i love it! ♥♥ you wrote this amazingly it's gonna be bookmarked

♥liz

Fearnloathing
October 11, 2005
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DEEP, opitimizez childhoods confusion.

nolonger
October 11, 2005
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amazingly beautifuly sad

Awwww wow Dan, you know me and many others here will try to help you and pull you through any obsticle you come accross ,If I can help in any way with anything, I will, you know that, This was such a sad beautiful poe, full of questions, thought provoking, kind of felt like I was a kid again, asking myself what did I do to deserve all of this . why? and no matter how hard I tried, it just got worse untill I gave up ,hit bottom, and came out on top. Even still its a struggle, as I know you still have many struggles inside of yourself, and most likely you will have them all your life, its how we handle them and portray owrselvs that counts now, Once you become addicted to a drug, even if you push it away, you still want it. Once you have this deep undenyable pain inside, even when you push it away, frequently , and most times for no reason at all, it comes back to haunt you

wonderful fantastic poem! so full of truth and meaning. I think me and you will understand one another on a more personal level on this page then your other. Over there its most fun and rogering

here its reality past present and future.and we seem to conect alot in this area.I'm just sorry its not on a happyer less painful note
I love you
Vini

Dan

♥ ~ vini ~ ♥

IAmYoUrOnLyOnE
October 11, 2005
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GREAT JOB!

All I can say is WOW! This poem shows so much emotion. This is such an AWESOME poem! Keep writing your wonderful!

The Box

Author notes

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Adding your comment:

ooo..

Love it

Incrediable

nicely done

Good start - could use some re-working, but n

good

An Inspirational Poem and Person

great job

Excellent

Very appealing

of true depth!

Superb poem

Technically good. Need to find the edge

oooo...a greek maze!

Bravo!

5 Stars *****

amazingly beautifuly sad

GREAT JOB!

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