Small
and hollow,
these grievances meet
steel sky
with kindness.
The last of each breath
has circulated,
small auricles whirring
now resting
forever.
Let us meet in air,
in a world
where breath is pure
and death is only
imaginary.
With a cold hand
she traces whiteness
across each face;
as they sleep
in their moon-graves.
These hours penetrate
without permission.
Silence chokes
on twilight's cloak:
disintegration.
As the air spits out
dismembered rituals,
shattered fragments
of half-lives
forgotten too soon.
Author notes
Its snaky acids kiss.
It petrifies the will.
These are the isolate, slow faults
that kill, that kill, that kill. ~ Plath
and #6, grey
Written October 10th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- A Collaborative Poetry Contest by -BlackKnight-.
500 points, ended October 19, 2005, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Lea,
I am grateful this won ...
you, well, worthy always of gold...
I, well, I tried to express what I felt as acqua...
sigh,
you, your writings
always, somehow, well....am at a bit of a loss, these days and still, you...
I did not know if I even said, Conratulations, oh well deserved and you, well...
I wish I was here enough to read more of my older favourites, seems I have been scattering comments and not even enough-- here and there, but your gifts are so evident in all you write...
Love and Hopes and oh, again, yes, you inspire as I noted on another piece...
your strength also as a person, well, humbles and your works, your poetry...
always has moved me to think/feel, more...
well deserved little trophycon...
Love and Thanks,
mi
-
\ Let us meet in air,
in a world
where breath is pure
and death is only
imaginary.\
These lines in many ways sum up your writing. I've always seen it as the search for peace, for understanding and from pain, whether mental or physical. This poem has that subtle yearning for those things I've emntioned, the things that you always excel at when firing on all your pistons.
Edited on Oct 19, 6:10 p.m. because ''. -
god, you write with the most amazing Imagery and a grace and style and still, yes, the 'grey' is there --
and it does sound like Plath, and god, Lea, the ending...of your poem, well, it, loved it! This, another stunning poem, the 'grey' of the life/death, in between... and you know, it, well, yes...
even reads like Plath...oh, I your piece, as those
isolate slow faults...
Thank you, again for the beauty you make out of what may be so much the opposite of what is ... you are so gifted...
Best to You in the Contest, Love this...
again, at long last I read you !
michele
Edited on Oct 12, 5:16 p.m. because 'cannot type,ahhh...'. -
thanks, but I must say I disagree with your suggestion for more than one reason. 1) because I want people to read my poem as it is, and I do not feel it necessary for them to see the quote first. 2) because it is against site policy to put any material written by someone else in the actual box where your poem goes. this is because of the copyright issue; whatever goes in this particular box is automatically copyrighted under your name.
-
bits of that are ambiguous, depending on what mood you're in. I love it, i loved the structure of it, the shape of it on the page, it was overwhelmingly sad, but still with a hint of hope.
-
very somber write Euphoria, but you pulled the images together tightly so that the reader could go right there with you. very fine writing, and felt very tight and concise as to not waste a word, a breath.
only suggestion would be that quote contained in your author's comments...I would pull it up right under your poem title, something like this:
ABANDONMENT
("Its snaky acids kiss, etc."--Sylvia Plath, "Title of Plath poem)
Then go on with your poem. In that way the reader can draw inference and mood directly to this as you have.
all in all, this is a very good piece of writing, and I am glad I had the chance to read it...
Jo -
A very nice poem, very sad and touching, well written
-
I love this poem, particularly the last stanza. Somehow, I got the feeling that you'd use the Plath quote I put in; I wonder why?!
Anyway, putting aside all silliness, as I said earlier, I loved the last stanza here; reminded me quite much of Plath, and I was pleased to see you not use your chosen word (grey). So far, everyone in this contest has managed to follow that rule, and I'm mighty pleased of the results thus far; this is no exception. Thanks for entering, and good luck. -
sorry for the negative aspect of things, glad you could relate if it was comforting in any way.
thanks for reading.
-
yeah... well that fits my evening... i went to the wake of my friend's grnadma tonight... i hate those things i feel so unconfortable/out of place... funny thing is your use of breath; she died of a lung infection... in her sleep... see went into a coma and since her breath wasn't enough her heart had to compensate (sp?), thus resulting in a heart attack and a sleeping death...
great person she was... met her like 4 times maybe...
if i could get past the simularities i might be able to comment better...
Doug
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