Those Kids have ruined most of this grove
with their pot smoke and discarded blunts--
I try to pretend I only smell
clove cigarettes.
But the trees-- oh, the trees,
they are a mottled canopy, torn,
allowing Brazilian sunlight
to fall, dripping, over my bare shoulders.
And the meeting of the rivers
is like Creation itself;
the waters rush together like
shy and anxious butterflies.
Like a ballet with
guitars and magma.
These waters make me feel like I could mine diamonds
from these dirty gray stones,
like I could find eyes in the damp soil and give them vision,
like I could hold the sun
in my own human hands
and become pure energy--
pure noise.
At the mouth,
I turn into music
and wonder
if Make-Believe
could ever be real.
Author notes
Written October 9th, 2005
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Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Truly atmospheric. You've done a wonderful job of placing the reader in the scene and that is the crucial thing in all creative writing. At least it is to me.
Excuse me I better go get some sun block....
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Poetic Perfection
Today, I was thinking about those who, like Adam Lambert, shine like diamonds in a world of mediocrity. Artists with natural talent that energizes people in the wake of their artistic expression. Meaning, I see why Kevin suggested your poem.
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A lot of visualization in this poem! I really like it. I like the thought of the sunlight dripping. It gives it a very loose effect and leads into your stanza on the rivers so well. Lovely, lovely piece
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Stunningly.....
visual. Very vivid. I hear the rush of the rivers. Feel the sunlight "dripping" over me.....that by far is my favorite line.
Very definitely worth the read. So very glad I clicked on this piece.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Sincerely,
~
~ Janet ~ ~
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This is such a beautiful poem! I really enjoyed reading this. You did a wonderful job. I think you are a very talented poet. Keep up the good work and happy writing!
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Amazing. I love the imagery and the tone. "allowing Brazilian sunlight
to fall, dripping, over my bare shoulders" was so undescribingly beautiful. -
Stunning
This captivated me from the beginning to the end. It actualy reminded me of an idylic pristine beach I used to go to years ago.
Your desciptions,metaphors painted a canvass. I could hear the butterflies flutering, natures melodies and much more. A beautiful masterpiece!
It's Breathtaking!
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"the waters rush together like
shy and anxious butterflies."
loved that line. Really great work.
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Wonderful Work
You are really VERY talented. Excellent again ....In it goes....hehehe -
This is an excellent piece and it really drew me right into it. Fantastic penmanship here. This I truly enjoyed.
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I thoroughly enjoyed this from beginning to end. At first, I too thought the first stanza was off, but the way you end it with “I try to pretend I only smell clove cigarettes.” felt like in a way, you could relate to them, at least to the point that they see some value in this place too, even if it’s just to smoke. I loved the phrase “mottled canopy” which sounds so luxurious and foreign, yet it has its own wear. This same feeling is in the line “Like a ballet with
guitars and magma.” When I imagine a ballet, it sounds almost too delicate for nature and yet you bring down to an earthy level with the “guitars and magma”. Amazingly beautiful and pure the whole way through.
Thank you for entering, I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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Thanks for all the insight. Every reader I've had for this (in my poetry class, at least) either hated or loved the repetition of the lines about the trees.
I think the title may merit a change; I'll have to play with that idea.
One thing I always have to keep in mind when taking suggestions for this one, more than anything, is that the veiled meanings don't hold much weight for anyone else. However, the first verse isn't as set in stone as everything else-- I'll look at it.
What you didn't mention was the use of 'make-believe.' As an abstraction, my fellow students really wanted to hack it out of here. What do you think? Have I earned it?
Again, thanks for the honest critique, and great contest.
Elizabeth
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Wow, this is a really nice poem. A pleasant surprise.
I'm not crazy about your first stanza. I can see what what you're saying there could be important to the understanding of the poem, but I think you could look at the first couple lines and write them differently.
in the second stanza, I don't think you need to say 'but the trees -- oh the trees," it seems a little unnecessary.
I like your description of the river "like a ballet with guitars and magma." That's really nice.
If you wanted to, I think that you could change the title and add a lot of dimension to the poem. In your explanation you said that this area is behind your school? Maybe something like "behind the school," or "the nature preserve," might be an interesting title.
Anyway, thanks for entering my contest, and happy revising! -
This is a very good poem. I really liked the second and fourth stanzas. You created some wonderful imagry, and your vocabulary is amazing! I really enjoyed reading this poem. Great write! Good luck in the contest!
---Esperanza -
I pegged this one pretty well with your explanation above but also got the feel of the Amazon here and how we, as a civalization, are destroying the rain forests. What beautiful imagery you've used here...love the idea of "sunlight dripping over bare shoulders"
Ruth -
nice imagery and awesome poem
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Actually, this is not a poem about a ditchdigger... I hate to expose the story behind this, but I suppose I can do so only partially... there is a nature preserve behind my old high school, where our general science and aquatic biology classes used to do observations and studies... sadly, the school's stoner population also decided it was a great place to get high... that's the setting, but the person is not a ditchdigger. Strangely enough, the person I dedicated this to has never even seen this place.
I am certain someone will come along with the right knowledge and recognize the connotations
Thank you for your comment!!
Elizabeth
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This is pretty decent. The idea that a ditchdigger could have such thoughts running around on his head probably isn't that farfetched. Good!
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that was very good i liked the verbilation you used you did a preety good job it seems like your inspiration came from the pot smoking kids
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And the meeting of the rivers
is like Creation itself; when someone in this creation can understand the mystery of the nature as you have understood in two lines in early of your life then nothing more is needed to understand or to know. This is the gist of life which contains the message of the flow of life . Each and every part of our life and each and every part of this world works only with the flow of the speed of time and efforts. The story of life through and through tells us the meaning of life that is the flow. The thoughts which are said in this write are vivid and just descriptive too but still they are inter connected and making a thought of the single mind with an impact of wastness too. The beauty of this write lies in tis statements of the descriptions of the true situations of the flow of the life here and there and where and how it is? The flow of the write is very impressive and just to the point. I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar
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this was absolutly beautiful. im glad you on my favorites, so i had the oportunity to read it! great write! very emotional, great flow, and most of all WONDERFUL imagry. keep penning!
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Such beautiful hopeful images in this. There is something so inviting about mining diamonds from stones. There is always something shining below the surface, only most never seem to take the moment to notice. I like the complex simplicity in this. Great job.
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this is really good! great job! ~~~~~~~Jamie
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This is really good...you have to think about it...
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Hi, I liked this a lot, a good write with a lot of feel, this is different from many poems I have read lately and it was a pleasure to read, all the best, hugs Di
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Magnficent flow crisp, creative outstanding i
A tapestry in words beautifully orchestrated the crispness evolves throughout ... "These waters make me feel like I could mine diamonds
from these dirty gray stones,
like I could find eyes in the damp soil and give them vision,
like I could hold the sun
in my own human hands
and become pure energy--" Brava!! Two thumbs up!! Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors
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A beautifully descriptive piece here....double meanings are indeed the best! I like your style of writing. Peace, Sharon x
Edited on Oct 09, 2:42 p.m. because ''.
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