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Untitled

An empty tunnel, no entrances or exits.

My one thought, how do I get back near you.

No windows, no doors, no air holes and yet I live.

Where am I, will someone find me.

These thought are nothing compared to one.

Where are you, are you ok.

And yet I think, I am stuck forever.

No one will find me, they won’t know where to look.

As time passes, one word sticks in my mind, Suicide.

For I will surely die here anyway, so why hold up the inevitable.

And wait, I see a sharp stone, just waiting to be picked up.

I grab it, tear at the shirt I am wearing, exposing skin.

I raise the stone, thinking I will see you in heaven.

I lower the stone with all my strength……………………………………………………

I look up, I thought I heard a sound, maybe your voice.

That’s it, I can’t go through with it.

As long as I hear your voice, I will wait.

Suicide might be the painless way, but your voice is the sweeter.

Author notes

Written October 7th, 2005

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • I-Am-Custard
    July 4, 2007

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    This is just a little bit emo, but I'll leave it in since the contest is closed now. One thing that annoyed me was the lack of question marks. You ask several questions in this but the effect of them is ruined by your inappropriate punctuation.

    And tehre was also that series of dots you used to show a break in the poem. My advice is get rid of them, they look gimicky, and instead break into a new stanza. The effect will be better and the poem would look a lot nicer.

    Thank you for entering.


  • Peteskid gold member
    June 10, 2007

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    an uplifting story about difficulties overcome by hope and faith in the possiblities of happiness...PK

  • lostskylark
    June 8, 2007
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    yup i can deffinatly relate to the feeling of waiting rather than moving on. you had a nice image going here you should add more imagery to make it a stronger piece.


  • Northern Raven
    June 5, 2007

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    I think this poem would have been better off in the ‘Dark Category’ of this contest and I’ll check that out for you, but as it’s here I’ll give my opinion anyway.

    Having a title isn’t a requirement for this contest and in no way detracts anything from the work but it would be nice to see one on this poem.

    I often find some very personal writes tend to exclude the reader simply because they are so personal, but this poem was different for me. Once I’d started to read it I felt it had an almost hypnotic quality that enticed me to read to the end because it very quickly asked questions which I felt I had to know the answer to. It also instantly allows the reader to experience the complete feeling or entrapment the author writes about in the first and third lines, as if you are the living-dead. There is also an intense feeling of being thoroughly lost with no hope of discovery, which is what I think the author intends.

    I think punctuation in any piece of work isn’t totally important but can carry a lot of weight in how a reader empathises with it. At first glance I was a little bewildered by the use of full stops (period - for Americans) at the end of every line and thought that there could have been some comma’s and semi-colons included to accentuate certain elements of the work. For example, at the end of this line, “I lower the stone with all my strength……………………………………………………”

    Having read the poem through several times I now feel that the use of full stops on every line is justifiable to me and actually brings a strong finality to each line, just as I think the author intends the reader to think the conclusion of his/her life id final. I would however, like to see some question marks in the appropriate places. The last few lines left me wanting something a little stronger in conclusion to back the rest of the piece up.

    Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.

    Northern Raven


  • NickelleteXninja
    June 3, 2007

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    'are u ok.'

    the you bugs me, the computer slang takes away from the beauty of the poem.

    This was a powerful write. And I adore the fact that you compared suicide to painless...

    well done...


  • Psychoticemochick
    June 2, 2007
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    this is interesting. Loneliness yet with some one there.


  • delightfulmess silver member
    May 26, 2007

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    This was intense, I almost cheered when you heard her voice. Suicide is never the answer. At least I have never been to that point. Very well done I was enthrolled in this piece. Thank you very much for sharing this in my contest


  • yesterdaysfeelings-
    May 25, 2007
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    this is good. thanks for entering


  • Haunted Doll
    May 23, 2007
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    thanks for the entry, this was very unique.


  • delightfulmess silver member
    May 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my contest, good luck, I will be making final comments at the contests end

1 - 10 of 10