OCTOBER WEEPS
(In memory of my poet-friend, J.T.)
I follow the unlit road
tucked within hilly blindfolds
to the place you once lived.
You're gone two months now,
seasons pass unceremoniously.
Though summer to autumn
fall lightly as clockwork,
you lay on me heavy tonight.
I need to see the dim light
from your window,
the Ford pick-up waiting
for you at the curb.
I want to hear your voice
stuttered yet steady
sing somber Cohen songs
you've left me humming.
I want to snatch up the poems
strung from high leafy branches...
We laughed about this long ago.
Your house is all blackness,
old pick-up hauled off,
the music stops inside my head.
Trees stand solemn witness,
all too quiet and bare.
Dry leaves skitter
across the dark roadway
like ashes,
unwritten poems
these leaves.
(10/5/05)
js
Author notes
OPTION #4
BACKGROUND CREDIT:
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In a list
A contest entry
- Want to Get Published? by dp robertson.
500 points, ended November 23, 2005, 137 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Golden Poems (pre-write quickie) by JM Kenyon.
450 points, ended December 22, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my free verse by leander.
400 points, ended January 6, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Engraved Memories (Take 2) by x Gemini x.
525 points, ended January 17, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Thank you for entering my contest.
I like the use of analogies. And how you went from how things were, to how they are now...without ever changing the setting. Its the same, but not. The classic concept. -
There's a very emotional touch to this, radiating the sadness you felt when you wrote this (and probably still feel).
The imagery is truly stunning again!
thanks for this entry as well!
Leander -
Deep, thoughtful and emotional. I love everything about this write.
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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Well Done
This is very beautiful...I like the description you gave:
Your house is all blackness,
old pick-up hauled off,
the music stops inside my head.
Trees stand solemn witness,
all too quiet and bare.
Dry leaves skitter
across the dark roadway
like ashes,
unwritten poems
these leaves.
Such a beautiful tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing your special angel with me.Thanks for entering and good luck
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AMAZING IMAGERY......
The best work I have read in QUITE a while.....I'm glad I took the time....just melodically expressed, kept pulling me along with the wave....not sappy, if this was my contest you'd be the winner....well done....Bravo......ttfn
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Kudos. You chose to speak through image and indrectly rather than merely tell us how much you miss your friend. The imagery allows us to enter into your imagination and share your loss.
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Amazingly written and filled with emotion!!
Silence over came me as I finshed your piece! I am overwhelmed with emotion because you have captured every feeling I have ever felt for the past 6 years except regret... You are lucky that way...Thank you for sharing this piece with us all!!
Most of all thank you for sharing it with me and entering my contest good luck!!
Shannon
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Beautifully sad; I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for following the rules, and for your lovely entry. -
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Thank you for these comments you left me, Astro. After the contest Final Notes "reprimanding," I'm glad I followed the rules.
Great winning choices, and thank you again!
Jo
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although this is a wonderful write it does not fit with the 50 word limit ruling in the contest, still I thank you for sharing this wonderful poem with us
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OOPS! I see it now, and thanks for letting me know Honey. Between you and I, I'll blame it on these darn Dollar Store eyeglasses!
I'll remove this entry from the contest and thanks again!
Jo -
Hi Honey! Was wondering which contest it is that you said has the 50-word limit? It's only posted to one open contest--(I just keep it posted to DP's contest for the sake of the other entries to that contest), but I don't see any such rule to this current contest --(titled "Silver Winner!) and I guess I'm confused...???
I dunno, but let me know when you can if you would, OK?
Jo
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This poem gives me such a calm feeling like every things ok and nothing is ever going to go wrong. nicely done. thanks for entering in my contest .
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This is wonderful! Shines with richness of story telling ability.Reminds me somewhat of Sade's song,"And I Miss You".Of a valued friendship absent now.Reminesent of someones essence missing and kind of a lonesome yet warm fond memories too.A side of this writer I've only just taken note of.I am impressed with your talents in composing this.Adored reading.~~Suseann
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now this is a treat to read
it's like a visit to the empty home of one you loved emphasizing the emptiness of the heart.
not a flaw to be found any where
thanks for entering this judging is proving to be very, very, very tough so i wish you the best of luck
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Thank you, Lady. The person it was written of, John Tuschen, was a tremendous influence on me and my own writing. I really appreciate your comments.
Jo
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thank you so much, Leance. your comments really mean a lot to me.
Jo -
Very beautiful tribute to an individual that made a tremendous impact upon your penning...............
I would have to believe that his approval would be yours........
Lovely.......
Leance
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thank you Dreadful...I really appreciate your comments to the poem.
Jo -
thank you Sca, and to recall writing it the second stanza just felt the easiest for me at the time. I really appreciate your comments.
Jo -
Blaze...It's been a long, long time buddy! You get yourself hitched, honeymooned and now you're finally back? I was just thinking of you the other day and wonder what became of you!
and thanks for the poem comments...always.
Jo -
Sveet
Great job on the poem, I really enjoyed reading it. I liked how the stanzas flowed, especially the second stanza. -
It's so sad and I have to say I am in love with the 2nd stanza.
Keep Penning indefintely,
=>Jess Black -
well jo this is quite the nice and touching tribute to your friend I am sorry for your loss and ongrats on getting it published well done!!
love and light
blaze -
thanks Rowan. feels like it was written so long ago...but it's just going on two months. well two months and many poems ago anyway...
thanks...and what is the title of your poem? I'll probably try to find it off your pages since scanning this list they've posted drives me dizzy.
Jo -
I missed this one, somehow! What a great poem Jo, so beautiful, and so filled with a poignancy that hits home!
Congratulations well-deserved!
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thank you D P! only catching up now to the comment posted to my poem. really excited, this is my first attempt at real-life or even online publishing, and I'm glad for personal reasons that this poem had been chosen.
thank you again...I really appreciate!
Jo
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thank you Brian! only catching up now to the comment posted to my poem. really excited, this is my first attempt at real-life or even online publishing, and I'm glad for personal reasons that this poem had been chosen.
thank you again...I really appreciate!
Jo -
thank you and CONGRATULATIONS to you too Zayra! I didn't even realize how far this contest had gone along, only to know the contest judges had been nosing around this past week. gosh, it feels good to be in the same book as a Zayra poem!!! I'm still in awe of you, you know!!!
Jo -
Bravo Jo! You deserve this!
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Round 3: accepted.
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got to be made of stone not to love that- accepted
david -
Shortlisted
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thank you Sonjal, I really do appreciate. recently received e-mail from the person's son to whom this poem was dedicated. he's from a somewhat a high-profile family of poets, but I sent a copy of this poem. you make me feel better and stronger that I had...thank you!
Jo -
Really loved the second stanza of this one it is well crafted and every expressive I enjoyed this read will followup with more. Thanks for the comment and insight.
Sonjal -
thank you D P! again I appreciate so very much!
Jo -
shortlisted
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Hi Ether...sorry I was tied up with a "baby" online issue and unable to get back with you...
you always leave such sweet comments to my poems...and never worry the applause Girl, because I know you're there clapping for me anyway! thank you for being such a sweetheart...
Jo -
How well you write your thoughts on this issue, after such a short time, this will still be raw and you have penned this well. Nicely written.
Edited on Oct 13, 7:05 p.m. because ''. -
kikibaby 1 day ago
Action is eloquence. William Shakespeare 594 critiques, 29 poems. said:
This is simply amazing!!!! A wonderful tribute to a friend whom you cared/loves about dearly.
I love the way your words seemed to flow. I could see exactly what you where describing and I could feel the emptiness that came along with the images!!!!
Beautifully done!!!
KIKI (delete?) (reply?) -
Christopher Sicard 1 day ago
Put on you red shoes and dance the blues 285 critiques, 28 poems. said:
Verdict: Beautifully Transcending
This was a wonderful depon of loves memory. At least that's what I got out of it Sometimes I do that. I'll say what I feel it to be and it is something completely differant. Anyways your style is still very differant and I enjoy how youe freeverse so well. I used to think that my little teenage rants were writings worth posting but some of them are just Blech. But leave it to me to be my own worst critic. (delete?) (reply?) -
Jo, Youre very welcome...it is YOUR words that brought about those feelings and spoke for themselves
You have a beautiful touch with words and the comments well deserved
I look forward to more...and...
bless you and I hope you find comfort, my condolences to you on your loss
And, by the way, don't let your pen ever go astray or dormant without them...they wouldn't want it that way. Let your love and memories make it take flight...you know that would make them happy....and honor them as well.
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thank you for reading and leaving comment to my poem Dolores.
Jo -
wow Kitty! everything i wanted to put out there, you have so eloquently wrapped into one tight little package for me. you have me in tears to know that I can do this, you know? I can't tell you how special your thoughtful words are to me.
Jo
Edited on Oct 10, 1:11 p.m. because ''. -
Bittersweet and sad
Descriptive and thoughtful write. I felt as if I were strolling along with you down that quiet road, nearing an empty house, feeling the desertedness of it all, and the chill from the season.
Your imagery right away draws one in and I can feel the desolation and the sadness hanging in the air almost like a mist.
The poems strung from the branches and then the leaves as unwritten poems, wow! That is simply stunning as a metaphor and catches the imagination. I could almost see softly written verses falling in bright colors from the trees to the ground and lying there scattered about unordered and waiting for the right touch...yours and theirs perhaps?
Your tribute here is touching and very well written...to the eye of this beholder...it is perfect! I wouldn't change a thing.
Luv, ~Kitty {{{{
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michele...i think you have captured the sense of this poem so well. he was a good friend I will remember all my life. thank you so much your intuitive and thoughtful comment to this poem. I truly appreciate.
Jo -
what an intense tribute to someone that's gone away... and the sense of a hidden force that drew you to the house when you knew that it would be dark... is a strong one... almost a last wish that it wasn't all true... that the person would be there, with the pick up truck and the lights on.... i got a lot from this poem... and enjoyed it very much... your talent shines brightly here, nice job
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some wonderful sentences, just brilliant lines. the images are powerful and evocative.
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thank you Image. i really appreciate your thoughtful insights to my poem. thank you again for stopping by to read it.
Jo -
good
This was a very good and reminiscence, vry real to life and very stirring, and very good use of time and metapohors -
thank you much Konk...i truly appreciate your comment to my poem!
Jo -
amazing
i must say its a beautiful poem...comes from a poets hart congrats -
thank you sophonax for your comment and keen eye to my poem. I think you're right about the naked and bare tree thing here...it's almost to the point of cliche. i'll have to rework that somehow to something fresh, but really appreciate your insight and helpful comments to my poem! THANK YOU!
Jo -
Interesting description of clockword as "light" but it works, "fall lightly as clockwork". I like your imagery
"I follow the unlit road
tucked within hilly blindfolds
to the place you once lived."
This made me feel quite sad and lonely.
.
However one sort of bad thing (just my opinion) is that although it fits in the poem, the lines
"Trees stand solemn witness,
all too naked and bare."
seemed a bit cliche.
But overall the poem was a pleasure to read, and nicely done. -
hi ToDieBeautiful. actually the death was this last August, but October seems to bring along these memories for me. I think no matter the date, October just has this sorrowful chill in the air but undeniable beauty about it, an irony of season I suppose.
thank you for reading and posting such thoughtful comment to my poem. I truly appreciate.
Jo -
This poem is truely beautiful, with all the write words, and just enough emotion to make a person get teary eyed. I liked it a lot, and Idon't think it could get any better. I've never lost anyone in October. Just March, May, July, and Aug. So spring and summer angels I guess... I'm sorry October is hard for you, and makes you remember your friend.
LaLa -
thank you so much for your comments and advice to my poem Irish. October never feels to come a good month for me...maybe the true end of summer is evidenced by our own eyes, we can't help but bear witness to the passing of time.
on the advice of another poster earlier today, I've actually clumped this together as one big poem on Word and will tinker with the line breaks and stanza breaks from there. the mirroring of S2 and S3 actually came off incidental...maybe it's because these were basic elements of this person that I knew for him were important--(his home, his car, Leonard Cohen's music, his poems), so it just reflected back when drafting up the final stanza of the poem.
again, I really do appreciate your helpful insights into this poem. THANK YOU!!!
Jo -
I'm sure your friend would feel honored that you wrote such a great poem in his memory. It's such a delicate balance of holding on and letting go...not just anyone can keep that balance without falling one way or the other. I do feel like autumn is a time of weeping, sometimes; just the way the trees all weep their leaves and the sky cries with autumn rains...death of summer, marked change into solemnity...yes, October definitely weeps. I like the way that you taper off at the end, like things are coming to a close, dying out. Not so sure I like the three extra long lines at the beginning of your second stanza, though; they kind of stick out like sore thumbs to me. I think this would look really great on paper if you either tried to keep the first two stanzas almost exactly the same length for lines or if you started at the beginning with even longer lines and slowly worked your way down to the little line "these leaves." Just an idea Your second and third stanzas reverse mirror each other so well, it almost seems formulaic. I think you could ease up a bit on the precise mirroring and it would make things a little smoother. Again, just my personal opinion. Anyways, enjoyed the read quite a bit; I love autumn, even though the world cries
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always looking and re-working these things Nimbus...but you don't think the space for breath and a new set of images was required by this stanza break? second stanza was so directly related to the third image-by-image, I guess this may have been the way it feel on my ears.
like i said, this one is still fairly fresh, and i'll certainly re-look it with your crits in mind. probably try clumping it all together as one long narrative piece and seeing where the breaks should really be.
thanks again for your very thoughtful and helpful comments to my poetry yet again! i truly do appreciate!
Jo -
You started well, I agree with much of the first stanza, but then why did ya employ a stanza break was beyond me. Though you came back with a fresh "I" but that first person narrative is clear, and coming back with I in first line second strophe didn't give a new view or a thematic shift...While you have created a good brooding atmosphere in the first stanza itself you lost it in succeeding ones...I am sure you will get back to whittle it down and merge those stanzas...or bring a fresh perspective to it, to warrant those stanza breaks!
D -
That is so sad, i'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I'm glad that even though he is no longer here, you still have such an inspiration to write!! keep it up because i really enjoy reading it!~becky
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hi country! the house, the car, the cohen music and the poetry--(and Paris to which I have never been), these were the basis of his life. I have so much poetry that I wrote which was inspired by this man. he was a great friend and an extraordinary poet, and I miss him. thank you so much for your thoughtful comment to my poem.
Jo -
thank you screaming. i really do appreciate that you took the time to read and comment to my poem. i truly do appreciate.
Jo -
thank you Noon. my poet-friend was an extraordinary writer; long-distance calls I would listen to him all night reading his poems. sometimes what I miss most is his voice...
Jo -
simply beautiful
this is very beautifully written. very sad also. i like how you start off with the tunes in your head and the pickup in front of the house then how you put emphasis on how the humming stops and the pick up has hauled off. great write~becky -
Wow. this is great. i love the imagry you've use din this poem to capture it's essence, soul and meaning.
Keep up the work.
SC xXx -
awww this is sooo sad
i'm sorry about your friend
you've expressed your feelings very well throughout this poem
keep on writing
and a great job you did here! -
thank you so very much Sonja. I do appreciate your insight to my poem. although the last stanza was probably the most difficult personally, it was the easiest one to flow in writing this poem...
Jo -
thank you simulated for taking the time to read and post comment to my poem. I truly appreciate.
Jo -
thank you Prabhu...i always appreciate your insightful and thoughtful comment to my poems. you make me feel very special as a writer.
Jo -
We can't have anything we need or want. Lack of love or missing love person is a sadness part of our life. Your poem is great writen following this theme. It is so sad to see picture like you describe it:
*
Your house is all blackness,
old pick-up hauled off,
the music stops inside my head.
Trees stand solemn witness,
all too naked and bare.
*
To fell the same, empy soul and dark in your heart...I understand all of your feelings included in this great work.
~Sonja~ -
very good
This poem is very true. It tells of looking back and then looking at now. Sadness is all a part of life so this poem has every right to exist. Keep writing.
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Well it is the life, we all are chasing our loved ones through and through with an intensity of our efforts. You are lucky that way that you can reach at least to the house of your friends you can relate his joy through the image of the house but sometimes this effort happens only the memmories then it becomes a great painfull exercise too. The write is really a kind of an exercise where you are removing the layers of the self with a risk of its bleeding with tears. The flow of the write is just great and very impressive too. I really appreciate this work of Jo..prabhudayal khattar
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thank you klassy! i really appreciate your comments as to how you related to this poem! again, thank you for reading and leaving comment, and if can recall the person who led me to your poetry, I will certainly let you know. it was just one of those recent message chats and i made note of your name, but it will come back to me! thanks for stopping around, and i'll certainly be back to you as well!
Jo -
How beautifully stark are the images in this poem...so somber and lonely. Going to a place that used to be where a loved one or friend once lived is like visiting ghosts, haunting and full of old sounds and echoes of yesterdays. I love the metaphor of the leaves for poems, treasured sentiment to be save for posterity. Such an essence of longing comes through, almost one of despair at the end of summer, when things die down.
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i don't mind at all that you have bookmarked Fate...I'd like to say I'm "happy" that you feel this poem has a place where you dwell, but you know... please feel free to make a copy if you wish...yours is one of the sweetest and most heartfelt sentiments I have ever received to my poems. thank you...
Jo
Edited on Oct 05, 7:15 p.m. because ''. -
It is amazing the poetry you find when you have your own read.... I absolutely love this work and hope you don't mind me bookmarking it for there is a place in those words that I dwell in for long ago on (no lie) an October day when we left....taken away... Thank you for this
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thank you your hine us! i dunno about the contest for this one...i feel like i've already won by having the contest itself inspire this write. but thank you so much your kind words and praise. i truly do appreciate!
Jo -
Wow with a poem like this one you need to have it in a contest,this poem is truly awesome,tho'e the poem is a sad one it is also beautiful the word's seem to flow easy and smooth,find a contest and enter as a pre write,it's to good not to .
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lol...well October could be a beautiful moth if you captured a moth and named it October. you're just too funny!!!
Jo
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thank you monimac for your very sweet and thoughtful comments to my poem. I truly do appreciate!!!
Jo -
Hi cognition! although I didn't enter this poem for the contest, reading the flux of October Weeps poems that have been featured, I even told one of the writers in comments that the title inspiration for this contest was simply eloquent. every poem i've read from that contest is so different and unique, you truly wouldn't think it could be. that contest leader certainly needs a reward for inspiring such writing.
and thank you so much for the comments left to this, my poem. to know a reader might relate is all I can ask...so thank you!
Jo
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Aww, thanks, and glad that you didn't think it was my intention to call October a 'beautiful moth.' My doctor doesn't drug me that often.
Best wishes, as always.^^ -
lol shooting...i don't mind you showing up! glad you do!!!
I laughed about the "country" comment myself. but maybe the Ford pick-up--(that car inference but yet again) had that country connotation to it, I don't know.
thank you again the sweet and thoughtful comments to my poem...and I did read "moth" as "month" even with the mistype! you take good care!
Jo -
thank you Classical...i've read several of your poems, and I appreciate the praise coming from the calibur of writer such as you! thank you ever so much your very nice comment to my poem!
Jo -
thank you Christopher, my ever-steady-poetry-buddy! I always appreciate your comments. you're very very sweet to me and I thank you!
Jo -
He probably is Dharma...I don't know if I can say "mentor," but he certainly was a good teacher, a good friend and always an inspiration, a laugh, just a phone call away. I do miss him a lot sometimes and lately moreso...but it's nice to think of him smiling. thank you Dharma your sweet words and thoughtful comment.
Jo
Jo -
Bravo! Excellent!
This was a very sentimental piece Jo! Your emotions easily and wonderfully transcends to the mind of the reader. Loss can be a debilitating experience, but you took this loss and spurned a poetic masterpiece in its own right The imagery was amazing! Excellent job, and best wishes to you always!
Stacy
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My fave line:
"you lay on me heavy tonight."
I don't know I liked it so much, maybe because I relate so much, but nonetheless
This was a beautiful write. Very open and meaningful, poetic and raw(emotional).
Great writing!
I love the title as well, it's awesome. I read a different poem for that contes too, it's brings such thoughts out, don't you think?
♥ Jenn -
Erm...
I meant 'month,' not 'moth.' x.X -
Awesome.
Me again... I just always manasge to show up, I s'pose. On this, though, I must disagree with gamil1031. I am anything but a fan of country, with all the due respect to those who are, but I absolutely adore this poem. October is a beautiful moth, but it is somehow sad in a way, to me. This piece captures that esscence perfectly. And another car refernce, I see. =)
Awesome. -
You have a distinct style all of your own..which I find wonderful. I really enjoyed this writing. You have a way with your pen indeed. The imagery and the feeling you have shared within this write are amazing. Well done...keep up the great work.
Liz -
Wonderful.
Great write Jo, the emotion conveyed and the reason for penning this are absolutley beautiful. Once again I have to say that your style is amazing. Great job and I hope to read more from you soon! -
thank you whisper...i really appreciate your comments to my poem. if it weren't for the "October Weeps" contest thing going on--(I'm not entered), I don't know if i really would've gotten this one off the ground. that title offering was such inspiration...and thank you again!
Jo -
awww Camus...you overwhelm me! but truth be known, i know there have been poems of mine that your comment was not so flattering, so i truly trust you and thank you for your honesty, which I truly respect! on this one tho, you've made my day, so THANK YOU!
Jo -
beatiful a wonderful wonderful poem Jo, really nice visuals the line: Dried leaves skitter, across the dark roadway, like ashes, unwritten poems, these leaves. amazing xx Cheryl
Edited on Oct 05, 2:19 p.m. because 'spelling x'. -
Superb
I hope that I've already got your name amongst my favourites cos your style appeals to me as do the themes of your excellent poems. There is a poignancy, a deep emotional impact that never descends into oversentimentality in this wonderful poem that is truly touching.I love your symbolism which is pure in a poetic sense and the tone of the poem is perfect. Am I in love ? lol Keep up the superb work. camus -
thanks Billy for reading and posting comment to my poem. i guess it is a haunting feeling. i've been thinking of him so often, and especially lately. thanks again!
Jo -
This is a truly haunting piece of writing which is full of sublime images. I find it to be a visual poem which carries me along with you on your journey to the house that your poet friend lived in.
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