A silver moon shining in a blackened sky
nothing can be seen but the snowy ground
and the frozen trees , looking as if she was in a land of ice sculptures,
Cold, lonely, wishing she was already at her house
at her table, eating, and then sleeping
knowing this journey she must make
knowing this is her destiny that the gods put before her
Then she saw a tree
with its long dead, gnarled branches
and covered in blood
appearing as if it were a vampiric spider bathing in its victims blood
She heard breathing behind her
she turned, whipping her blonde hair
and to her surprise
with her deep blue eyes
she saw a man
long black hair and almost white eyes
elegantly dressed
"Ah how are you doing m'lady? You know Transylvania is that way right?"
scared she dared not reply
feeling a feeling when you know something awful is going to happen, as if this man was the devil himself
"There is a terror within these woods that not even Dracula could tame."
She saw his hair turn white before her eyes
saw claws where his finger tips were
saw the white wolf that once was the man
She turned to run
she ran faster than shes ever done in her life
but the wolf was still there
only visible because of his eyes
his white fur blending in with the snow
where can she run?
where can she go?
To her Tragedy she found herself face first
she had tripped on a fallen limb
she tried to get up in hast
knowing that if she wastes even one second
the wolf is sure to catch her
As she got up she felt knives on her back
She felt his breath on her neck
and his fell as his heavy body pushes her down
like a lumberjack cutting down a tree
then felt the pain as he bites down
ravishing in his meal
she fought back
but the she heard laughter that seemed to be mixed with howls
as more wolves joined in
feeling her skin rip like clothing
her insides being jerked from her
her screams seeming to make the wolves even more excited
an end to her short life of 17 years
........on the night of the wolves
when the pack hunts for their feast
when the sounds of the night is filled with howls and screams.
Author notes
felt like writing about werewolves for some reason lol
and thanks to rose dark thorn for her help on fixing it. thanks rose!!!
Written October 4th, 2005
A contest entry
- magical creatures by XxLucifersXBridexX.
300 points, ended October 18, 2005, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1023 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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Don't revise it. You have already done so once and that has left it with a sharper more wild taste for us as readers to feast upon. If you were to polish it once more it would become so shinny that it would drop, fall and slip from your hands breaking into thousands of pieces on the terra-cotta floor.
I love your works and I can see why Miss Shadow does to! Take good care of that girl, I know the rewards will b great if you do
Well done!
Dryad Enya -
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Thank you so much for your comment!
And dont worry, shadow is in good hands
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Beatiful!!!!
This one is breathtaking! I just love the story you've created!
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its just so beautiful... i want to marry it... then again there are a lot of poems i want to marry. this one actually gave me the chills.
well done. that hasnt happened since the fall of the house of usher. -
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Wow i havent wrote like that in for ever.
Thanks Shadow!
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wowwwwww this is soo good! i love this- it's brilliant!!
xxx
Good luck with this poem- I loved the story. usually i don't like reading looong poems, but this is unique!
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Thank you so much! It means alot to me!
And thanks for adding me. Im always up for making friends
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stupid reverse psychology...
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its cool
I like the story feel to it.
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this is fucking amazing!
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Im glad you like it
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lol thanks
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Ooo me likes, me likes... You gets a clappy dood.
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and thank my friend rose for helping it sound scary lol
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thanks!!! its the evil version of red riding hood lol
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This really did send shivers up and down my spine, and then up and back down, and Im not just saying that, this was the best poem i have read in a while when it comes to werewovlves, I really enjoyed it, it scared me! Great job! I have run out of them free applause things but Im going to applaud this anyway! Awesome
xxx QueenT ooo -
I liked this. It sent shivers up and down my spine. This was a cool poem!
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wow, this is amazing!!! thank you so much for entering! that is very very good
i love thesense of runnig away and ya....
great write, keep it up, good luck in MY contest
janie
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This was very good. I agree that it does need some editing. Also, you have a lot of repitition that I think could be reworded to give this piece more impact.
Very nice start. Keep writing. -
lol thanks...that rose knows hot to get things started lol
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I just read the above comment and agreed with like the frozen trees were they nareled. I think you did a great job. this really pulled me in and made me want to know what happened next again a great job
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thanks!!! where do you think needs more discriptions? but thanks for your kind comment!!!
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BRAVO
I think this is good. I really liked the end. This was creepy.It has alot of potential. Just adding a few more discriptions like was said above, would make it perferct. Keep up the good work. I will have to read more. -
I like these.
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oh wow! This is fantastic! even better than before. You and Rose worked well on this. It's certainly creepier. *shudders* I hate to be eaten alive. Great write.
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np... good luck!
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thanks!! im not totally done revising it... i have a good friend on here helping me with it, but thanks for the complament
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The imagry in this is simply amazing... so much detail and so... earie (sp?) just a really great poem... thanks for entering and good luck!
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Love this line: appearing as if it were a vampiric spider bathing in its victims blood
I also love the description of her being ripped apart.
feeling a feeling one feels when they know something aweful is going to happen, feeling as if this man was the devil himself
You might want to change that line a little. Reading it, feeling and feel and the word itself is repeated way too many times.
Other than that, you should read it over and catch the typo, because there were a few again in your revisions. -
Okay...I see a lot of past tense, present tense problems in this poem. That and a word missing, a word that makes it sound...off. That, and you might want to go into more detail.
Shall we start from the beginning?
Poem symbolized by +
My advice symbolized by =
+A silver moon shining in a blackened sky,
nothing can be seen but the snowy ground,
and the frozen trees inside the forest that she now walks among,+
=Frozen trees...What do they look like? Are the gnarled? Has the frost turned them completely white, are they grey or tinted blue? Emphasize on that 'snowy ground'. Does it crunch under her feet? Is it pure weight or yellowed by time? where are her footprints? What about the girl herself? What does she look like? Why is the sentence cut off and forced into a different stanza? It leaves some readers an unneeded pause and may confuse them.=
+Cold, lonely, wishing she was already at her house,
knowing this journey she must make,
knowing this is her destiny that the gods put before her,+
=Why does she wish she's at her house? What is there that she wants? How does the night outside in the winter make her feel to want to be back at home? What is it about her house that comforts her? What is the journey she must take? What is her destiny? What did the gods set before her to do?=
+Then she seen a tree,
with its long dead branches,
and covered in blood,+
=The first two stanzas were in present tense. You switch to past tense in this stanza and down. What does the tree's long, dead branches look like? Are they torn, gnarled? Half falling off? Are the glistened with ice? What does b,ood look like ob icy branches anyway? And why do you have a comma after blood? There's no need.=
+She heard breathing behind her,
turned and seen him,
long black hair and almost white eyes,+
=Still with the past tense. Was the blood loud, long, short puffs? Did her heartbeat start to quicken? Was she scared? Get into the mind of your chracter and explain how she feels. What about her senses? Does she smell the blood? Why was there blood on that tree, anyway? Did any questions go through her mind? And about that guy...Was he wearing anything? What did she think of him? Did he have a certain expression that startled her? Was he covered in blood as well?=
+"Ah how you doing m'lady? You know Transylvania is that way right?"
scared she dared not reply,
"There is a terror within these woods that not even Dracula could tame."+
=I think you meant how ARE you doing when he asked how she was. How did the fear she felt FEEL? Was she shaken? Did she move at all? Was she shocked, too terrified to move? Was she in horrified awe? Was her mouth agape, eyes wide? Again, why was she afraid? What went through her mind when he spoke of the danger? What expression did he wear? Did it affect her in any way?=
+She seen his hair turn white before her eyes,
seen claws where his finger tips were,
seen the wolf that once was the man,+
=More past tense. How did she feel as he changed? Did her eyes go wider? Did she back away? Did she feel dread? What kind of white did he change into? Was his fur tainted with blood? What did his claws look like? Compare human nails to wolven claws. When she saw the wolf, how did she feel? What went through her mind? (I think this would make a better story than a poem)=
+She turn to run only to find the wolf not far from behind,
where can she run?
where can she go?+
=This is where you go back to present tense. I think you meant not far behind instead of not far from behind. And yuo need an s on turn. Show her panic. Make us fear the adrenaline coursing through her veins, the desperation to survive. That determination to arrive back at her home and sut the door before the end.=
+To her Tragedy she found herself face first,
she had tripped,
she felt his paws on her back,+
=Again back to past tense. How did she feel when she fell? Did she feel sorrow, tears of frustration because she fail to do what she was determined to? What had she tripped on? What could she hear? What did she see? How did the weight feel upon her back? Did they dig in? Did it hurt her? Did it crush her? The comma is unneeded, but if you want to make it a full sentence, you should have it in the same stanza.=
+She felt his breath on her neck,
then felt the pain as he bites down,
ravishing in his meal,
On the night of the wolves.+
=How did his breath feel? Hot, steamy? Could she smell it? What was she thinking? Was she crying? Was she begging for her life? Did she give up and accept her fate? What did the teeth biting into her flesh feel like? Describe the pain so the reader can feel it. What about the night of the wolves? What makes it the night of the wolves? Are there anymore wolves? Did the girl ever hear howling before her death? Did this wolf howl in triumph? Let us SEE and FEEL the story in this poem.
What I think? I think this needs a lot of work and anyone is capable as long as they are willing.=
Edited on Oct 07, 12:57 because ''. -
hehe, the dark version of red riding hood lol thanks baby!!!!
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This is really good I like this one Victor! I love it. I wish I could get over my writer's block It is sooo bad I can't even edit my poems!
Love
Brandy -
lol yea, its a dark fantasy verson of red riding hood lol
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whoa, creepy. *shudders* Amazing write Vic! I feel sorry for the victim but hey, that's dark for ya.
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omg i love werewolves!!! the feeling they generate is amazing, i just wish they got the recongition they deserve. thanks april!!
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lol thats just my style jim, but i can change it if you would like.... werewolves are my fav. monster. i always use them in my rpgs.
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i love werewolves, i dont think they get the recongition they deserve, thanks!!
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Lycanthropy much???? lol. very good job!!! *applauds*
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Werewolves are one of my favorites, right behind Vamps. Maybe a bit of bone crushing would have been good.shrugs When I'm in the mood for dark I'm in the mood for dark. I liked this it was fast paced and full of fright. Make me long for a walk in the woods.
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A very good poem, Victor. It describes with beautiful morbidity and macabre imagery the werewolfs hunt. I could feel the womans fear. Just one thing, each place you used "seen", you should use "saw", EXCEPT in the first 'stanza'... That's the one place the word is used right. Did you write this in Word? Typical spell-checker fault...
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