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the dating service

hello all you eligible bachelors,

I'm Lisa. I'm pessimistic, yet I always try to look for the best in people. I'm stubborn, vindictive, & sarcastic... In the nicest possible way, of course. I don't think before I speak. I do not believe in karma. I either over analyze a situation, or I just don't care at all!
I cheat, maybe on people too. I'm not sure, I have a pretty bad memory, due to being whacked in the head by a 2X4. that is why there is a huge indent on the side of my head and my eyes are crossed. I do not shower daily...i think there overrated, once a month for me. I'm a bum, I'm too lazy to get a job. So I live off of everyone else. I'm too cheap to afford; toothpaste, toilet paper, razors, and shampoo. So pretty much I haven't brushed my teeth in a long ass time. and god knows how longs its been since i wiped my ass. my butt looks like an African bush. i got a shit load of cling-ons stuck to it. I was a prostitute for 4 years, the customers kept getting fewer and fewer. they said they didn't like getting crabs each time they came and that i smelt like one of those white dead carp with one eye that wash on shore. so i shot him. I've been in prison for 18 years and not even the ladies will come near me. so all you guys look out I'm on parole in 3 months.

Author notes

pretty much the point of veiw is from an old fart in jail sending her letter to a dating service. pretty retarded, i know. but i couldnt think of anything else.
Written October 1st, 2005

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • heartnsoul
    February 2, 2006
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    Ahhhhh this isn't retarded! It's hilarious!!! What a visual too!Hey! It's one way to keep Big Bertha away from you while you serve your time! There is a method to your madness I see!
    Good luck in the contest!
    ~Michelle~


  • rufina caraid gold member
    February 1, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    When you leave those prison gates behind be prepared for the onslaught - I hear Bobby-Sue has brothers!
    Cling-ons' are called 'Dags' in Australia - it is also used in reference to people with a weird sense of humour - You are a Dag! (In the nicest possible way of course)

    Good Luck with this
    Von


  • Sarah957
    January 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Whow! The fellas are gunna be lined up right outside that cel door, I just know it.
    Sarah


  • galfalfa gold member
    January 28, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    LOL..do your provide your Valentine with a gas mask or a ten foot pole?
    Thanks again for the giggles and for entering my contest, loved it!


  • NoWayJo
    January 27, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    this is cute and had me laughing all the way through. I wrote up a similar want-ad for a contest recently, but I drew mine up for the EX. it's funny how people read it as a joke, but it's like 99.9% true!

    I think there's two similar contests where this write might be eligible, and I'll pass you the links when I locate them, OK? not sure if they're accepting prewrites, but you can check them out yourself, because you really have a humorous side which would work well in either of these "want-ad" contests!

    Jo


  • Festering Eye Sore
    October 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    haha. I love love loved this part "i smelt like one of those white dead carp with one eye that wash on shore." and also, the way you ended it was really cretive as well. You deffinately had me lauging. Thank you for entering, and best of luck.


  • ceXee
    October 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    hahah i think its funny stuff good luck!

1 - 7 of 7