Dad I come and visit even though you dont know I'm there,
And I wish you were with me I can feel you in the air.
And I sit up at night thinking you are by my side,
And I lie in my warm bed and pretend that I can hide.
I fail to remember all the memories that we had,
And I never really thought about life without my dad.
And not once did I imagine that I would be alone,
I didnt think that you could face to leave me on my own.
I do not dare to dream for i am sure they wont come true,
And I just see each day as another day without you.
And I refuse to sleep incase i miss you coming home,
But you wont see me cry because my heart is made of stone.
I wont show my feelings because the truth is hard to bear,
But the pain will never fade knowing that you are not there.
You are gone out of this world and I know you wont return,
Though the wind will always blow and the candle will still burn.
But try not to forget me as in heaven we shall meet,
My tears will never fall, my heart will not admit defeat.
I will not say goodbye because to me it sounds so wrong,
This is really not the end, for now it is just 'so long..'.
Author notes
Miss you loads Dad x
A contest entry
- Grieving (Round 2 Invite Only) by Beating.
450 points, ended December 14, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Options Options by GirlAnachronism.
475 points, ended January 15, 2008, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 19 to 25 enter your best prewrites Judged by RedwingSpirit.
850 points, ended January 17, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poor Unfortunate Souls by GypsyEyes.
400 points, ended February 17, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Several Options.... by Dutch Doll.
600 points, ended February 6, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Miss You Terribly. by Poetryintheblood.
450 points, ended May 16, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! II by Nam.
1750 points, ended June 8, 2008, 94 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Super Quick PW by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended May 31, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1708 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Excellent write. Thank you for entering the contest.
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this is so very sad, my heart hurts for you. I would never be able to pen such deep emotions so well at all.
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I would suggest shortening your verses, like this:
Dad I come and visit even though you dont know I'm there,
And I wish you were with me I can feel you in the air.
And I sit up at night thinking you are by my side,
And I lie in my warm bed and pretend that I can hide.
Edited version:
"Dad, I come and visit tho'
you don't know I'm there,
I wish you were with me
I can feel you in the air.
I sit up at night
thinking you're by my side,
I lie in my warm bed
and pretend that I can hide."
Edited errors. Removed [filler] words.
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"I can feel you in the air." - seems like a forced rhyme.
Look what you have, and look what I made yours to be by removing certain words, shortening two, and breaking your lines. Which one reads better in your opinion?
2nd verse:
You have:
I fail to remember all the memories that we had,
And I never really thought about life without my dad.
And not once did I imagine that I would be alone,
I didnt think that you could face to leave me on my own.
What I would suggest making it:
I fail to remember
all the memories that we had,
I never really thought about
life without you dad.
Not once did I imagine
that I would be alone,
I didn't think you could face
to leave me on my own.
Edited errors. Removed [filler] words.
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I'm not going to do the entire poem but the two first verses of your poem above are examples of what you could do with it. I would suggest placing the apostrophe in the proper words (especially since you have it in some words but not in others), remove filler words (and, I, you, are, etc.) that aren't really needed, which going by my two examples above I believe you could determine on your own, and break the lines for a better read for the reader. Though long lines such as you have could work, in your poem it seems quite unnecessary. I can't really give suggestions on punctuation since it's not my strongsuit, nor could I really give good coherent suggestions on sentence structure but since it seems you're writing it out in a sort of prose mannerism, I would suggest thoroughly rereading the poem and make proper adjustments.
-Nam -
Thank you for your beautifully heartfelt entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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Is there a reason you commented my poem with "..." lol x
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lol, umm not really just kinda spechless, and i have no idea how to use this site yet,xxx
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Aww okay then =] x
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Wow!
This a an amazingly powerful and sad write. Congratulations on all the trophys, you deserve them. If this poem is personal to you, I am saddened that you say your heart is hardened and that you won't cry or show your feelings. Sharing feelings and crying can be so healing. I wish you only the best. Blessings, Patty
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amazingly written & so sad.
your words really express the emotions associated with loss, and they are really touching. i love how there is hope at the end as well.
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WOW..just...WOW..This poem was so sad..I know how it feels..But you just put everything into words..And im just awe struck...goodluck in the contests!!
melyssa
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Wow, so much emotion in this piece. It's sad and beautiful and the same time. Best wishes and thank you for entering.
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omggg how incredibly sad.. this was an amazing remembrance though it just about made me cry.
really great work =] -
I just lost my "second" father last month.
It's very hard, and this poem reminded me of the whole chain of events that my best friend, her family, and I went through. Touching write.
Thanks for entering your write in A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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I think you have done the memory of your father a great justice here....truly a heartfelt, heartwarming poem...I will say i especially like your attitude displayed in the last two lines, they are gone but never forgotten, and it is through our memories that they continue to live.......peace
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Congratulations on being a finalist with this very touching and emotive poem. Losing a parent can be a very sad thing.
Please join us in the final with two new writes, we look forward to reading you.
Sue and Jeff
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Very touching poem, Great job rhyming, thanks for entering
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my dad has cancer...i don't know what i will do with out him! i loved this write! great job! thank you for entering my contest and best of luck to you!
NineTailedFox -
I think this is one of the most beautiful poems I've every read hunny!!!!! I am crying so much right now.
I love you!!
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Excellent write very well written few rough spots but you'll have that. I like the last stanza for I believe that. And recently used that in a poem worded differently though. Thank you for taking the time to enter this into my contest. I wish you the best of luck.
Redwing Spirit
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I will not say goodbye because to me it sounds so wrong,
This is really not the end, for now its just 'so long..'.
very powerful ending to a very powerful and emotional poem. great job not letting the rhyme distract from the message. good flow, except in one or two places. over all, nice write. thank you for sharing this and for entering! -
omg, thats good. im about to loose my dad. 4 months. so sad. well done. i know how you feel. take care.
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Great write, very sad. I love the ending, very emotional. Good luck
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Awww this is so sad, So much emotione in hear! I could almost cry...This is a really good poem, It must be really hard what you are going through right now. If you would ever like to talk to a stranger send me a message! Great write and good luck in the contest!
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please put ap screen name in author notes!
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Done
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wow! this piece if just so sad, I almost felt like crying. I like how you get both the sad part out, but also the anger. We all feel it, even if just for a second. Good job!
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This poem was so..... sad. I feel so sorry for you, and you've made this poem literally come alive, and make me cry. I.. am speechless.. simply superb! Thanks for entering my contest!
Dare2Dream -
The final stanza is simply BRILLIANT! And this line
I do not dare to dream for they never will come true,
I just love. To dream and then not have it come true itīs just so heartbreaking. I really like this poem. Thank you for entering!!
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this was sentimental and emotional, the feelings were very palpable, nicely done, thanxs for entering the contest, good luck
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Hey this is an impressive write..I'm saying this,cuz well,I understand what it is to lose your father..I'm sorry...Good luck in my contest...
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wow this was deep and sad but i really liekd how you showed your true emotions in this piece...great job
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I like it!
I REALLY loved it. I feel all your pain when I read it. I have a softspot for "Dad" poems and you really nailed it, be proud. -
omg i loved it great write and i dont knwo what i would do if i lost my dad that is y i can not do a poem about it for your contest i dont even want to think about him not here
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Not that great? Are you mad, this is heart wrenching. Such honest and simple, pure emotions and beautifully written. There is no bull shit about this piece, it is wonderful. Well done! xxx
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