Marriage:Two trees growing by a river -- too close, they crowd
each other out -- too far apart, they are not in touch.
They must grow close enough together to stay in touch
and far enough apart to leave each other room to grow.
Relationships:commitment and sharing.
Love does not create a relationship.
All relationships can be defined by
how the commitments are kept and by the depth of
sharing. In a deeply committed relationship with
rich sharing, love will show up. But, if you are
madly in love with someone and there is no commit-
ment, no sharing -- you will soon hate them.
Celebrate each and every day that you spend with your mate.
Even, the bad ones. Particularly, the bad ones. Generosity,
in the face of adversity, demonstrates the greatest faith.
Action, that springs forth when things are not easy, is the one we believe. Create your love -- stronger than a child's like or dislike. Create your love so that your partner is perfect down to their last imperfection. Loving someone means having them be okay to be who they are even when we aren't happy with the way they are being.
Celebrate every success and accomplishment, no matter how minor. This gives you the strength to traverse those times when nothing seems to be working.
Stay connected to your joy. It is the energy of all the love you have yet to express. With joy in your life, your sharing will always be rich.
The best way to have it? The way it already is. Only by accepting how it is right now, are we be able to work with it to create what we want for tomorrow.
All great endeavors take work. Thank God. We don't appreciate what comes too easily. Therefore labor in love. Life and marriage are not toil and suffering unless we demand that life be as we want it to be. Life is how it is. Don't take it personally. Just take it and make it into what you want.
By Thomas Burson 02/14/94
Author notes
This was written because a friend called up and said David John is getting married. Write something I can frame and give to him. When do you need it, I asked? Today! This is what showed up. It hangs in their dining room. I have given it to several other couples after they are married. They all have hung it where they can read it every day. So I guess I hit a good note.
Written February 14th, 1994
In a list
A contest entry
- The Best Advice You NEVER Got by Viyanna Rosemarie.
550 points, ended March 16, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 91 of 91
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this is a great piece.
i agree on alot of it. but what hapens when you are the only one building the brigde? what happens when you are the only one trying to cherish all those minor accomplishments?
it is unkind to try to love when one doesnt recieve it in the way it should be given.
yes one should cherish eachoher the way they are. not demanding anythign. but when one life changes to try to have something in common with your mate.. .and it still doesnt work... is it time to move on?
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Comittments must be shared. Otherwise all you have is a lie. If you know that to stay is to betray yourself or make yourself available for abuse, you must leave. My wife and I separated in my first marriage because we were co-dependent and as much as we loved each other, we were not good for each other. But, once ended, another relationship is not an answer but only pouring water on someone already drowning. it took me ten years of work on myself to get ready for my next marriage and without the work I guarantee that the second one would never have worked. There is a lot more, but I am so tired and I have a job interview tomorrow, so I will talk further but not tonight. kay?
Love, Tom B.
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Great message Tom.
This is by far the best advice that you have given to a couple to be ! Nice work on this. Thank goodness I read this!
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You know, you do what you can. I learned a little in this life and this is one of the ways I shared it.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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Beautiful
I don't know if I ever told you that I did use parts of this letter as inspiration for my vows 2 years ago. We ended up doing a pagan type ceremony, and got married on Lake Superior We have now been magnetically drawn even closer to the lake than before and have relocated to Duluth, MN. You words are eloquent and downright truthful. I have always loved this letter. Love, Harper -
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Yah know I am always happy to hear this. I love to hear that you are feeling a deeper connection to the world you are in for that is a good thing as well. So Glad to hear all of this.
Love, Tom B.
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Excellent
I am so glad you sent this link to me because everything you wrote I knew had to be but it is nice to be able to print this and hang it in my house to remind me of what marraige is really about and that love has to be worked on...Thank you once again...
You can add another couple to your list of who will live by these sentiments...
Many blessings to you
Much love
Tes
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wow... this one really made me think... i wish i had read it earlier today. i just sent my husband a letter to the jail telling him i might not be waiting for him when he gets out and told my boyfriend i would go be with him. sometimes i act before i think. i woulda given u a gold personally.
hugs,
georgie,
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If this gave you pause for the cause and opened you up to more possibility than it did all I could ask. I have gotten gold. The poem hangs in a number of peoples houses to remind them how to stay married.
That is gold to me.
Love, Tom B.
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As with any union, a balance of personal space, flowered by relational qualities, is a definite requirement. This is enlightening/refreshing to view in a world of confused separation.
There is a need to trust before you are able to love... Building trust through commitment and sharing can define love and/or a soulful friendship.
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I thought I had sent a note already.
I break it into a relationship on two planes: spiritual and material. In the spiritual world, being in the moment and being open to share the love and the river of joy, it lives in, is, by far, more than enough.
In the material world, we have to learn the art of relationship: trust, compassion and sharing. This takes practice and hopefully this poem helps.
Love, Tom B.
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a nice read.
thank you for the sharing.
the world would be a better place if we all knew or remembered this...
http://www.thestarlitecafe.com/poems/105/poem_91006378.html
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We accomplish more by building towards a goal or seeking solutions than all our complaints ever will. Each one of us who remembers to deal in love changes a heart to a better place.
Love, Tom B.
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Well this is so much better...I like this take on relationship..makes a lot more sense to me.... Very well written! Relationships are complex and need constant care and renewals....
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Just as anything viable continues to grow and change so a healthy relationship is a constant source of surprise and renewal. We can never take it for granted. I am glad you enjoyed this simple statement of what a relationship calls for. Love, Tom B.
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This is so beautiful , I wish it were so easy . Marriage is work but it takes two , one cannot hold it all together . There are many times i have wished this would be true and i know the spiriual side too .
This made me cry , wishing it was like this beatifully penned piece , I always wanted it to be.
Your friends are so lucky to have this on their wall!
I am trying to not be negative , but in my heart and soul its gone , His love left long ago , the pain is too much.
How i had wished prayed .
Beautiful write!
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This is anything but easy. Relationships take both people working at making it work. I didn't know how in my first marriage and screwed up a lot of it. We never stopped loving each other we just couldn't live together. You are speaking of something different. You are talking of a relationship where one person quit. Everything after that was you letting yourself get used. You are right it is time to move on. Not to do anything to him. No, to take care of you.
Love, Tom B.
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Well, to say the very least, yes, this does hit a 'good note'. From beginning to end, truth, wisdom and gentility.
On an off note, I love how you incorporate nature into your pieces, such as this, for we are all bound to the elements (in a good way, bound was used for lack of a better term) and nature always makes for great metaphors and analogy, drawing that proverbial picture in ones mine, allowing for better clarity.
This is truly a wonderfully poetic 'hand book' for a loving relationship. I've book-marked this one as well.
Thank you, Tom, for sharing this, this part of you, with me.
Blessings, always,
Bella
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My pleasure. I thought after all the comments on love last night that I needed to balance it with a good set of comments on relationship and this is the best I have. Relationships are our construction. We play out who we are on this stage. It is to our advantage and a blessing to someone we are with the more we understand how they work and how articulate we are within them.
Love, Tom B.
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insightful... there is a simple
wisdom to this... reminds me of old Chinese proverbs... spoken from experience, I'm certain...
nicely done and good advice!
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much more experience than this simple wisdom would seem to require. Thanks for taking the time to share what you found here. Love Tom B.
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WOW
Incredible..so true..This is simply perfect..
Excellent write..and so thoughtful of you to share it..
Peace
~A~
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I can only speak to the simple things. The realization that a relationship is a work of man. Marriage is asking for the blessing of God upon the work you preform so preform the work he/she would wish to bless.
Love, Tom B.
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WOW
where were you three months ago when my sibling decide to divorce her husband! Thank You must give to everyone getting married,already married,and considering marriage. Excellent write couldn't have wrote it better myself. You capture the essence of what it takes to make it work and keep it alive!
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Thank your your thoughts. I am always hopeful that it will help in some small way. Love is the energy but we need training in the art of relationship. Love, Tom B.
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oops forgot the bunnies
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Thank you for not washing over the true meaning of marriage. If you want the happy ever after you must work for it. A good marriage is a union of two good forgivers.
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There are two parts to marriage. One is the love and the spiritual side. It is the flame that needs tending and makes us larger in its Light. The other is the relationship or the human side of the endeavor. It takes work and learning. For we are not born knowing how to live with another.
Forgiveness is about setting ourselves free of the past so we can create new beginnings and be free to feast from the spirit. Love, Tom B.
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This is well written, and from my vantage point, completely accurate. I like your point of loving everything, including the imperfections. haha! I don't trust people who appear perfect! This is good advice for people getting married - it isn't always easy, but it is always worth the trouble. Congratulations on your trophy.
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To make dreams come true there has to be truth in the dreams. I wrote this to honor that. Love is a beautiful thing and is spiritual and full of magical energy. I wrote this about the relationship part. Relationships are the cup that holds the love. Without a good relationship all the love soon runs out.
Glad you enjoyed this. This has proved to be a gift, not just for the writer, but for people who read it as well. In this I am fortunate. Love, Tom B.
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This is a beautiful testament to how God intended marriage to be: a relationship, not of dependence, nor of independence, but one of interdependence.
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True cooperation and partnering is an art and craft. Love gives one the joy, desire and energy to learn to do this. One of many blessings. We just must have the wisdom to learn the craft.
Peace & Love, Tom B.
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Wonderfully written
You kind sir are a splendid poet. I love the way you describe your thoughts. I sincerely agree with all you have said in this letter to those you call friend. You have blessed many friends with these kinds words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing them with me as well. Hopefully one day you will be sharing them with Robert and myself. Thank you again for directing me to this lovely letter.
As always keep your pen flowing and the words tumbling out so smoothly.
Always, and
Summer
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You are welcome to print out a copy with my name on it. Share it, for what good does it do sitting on AP not being read and shared.
Love, Tom B.
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Wonderfully written. This is something all married couples should see and something that single people should read before entering into a marriage. It is fantastic advice. Thanks for sharing the advice.
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This is a gift from God to my finger tips. Thanks for the compliments. it hangs on the walls of several people I know who are recently married. I am honored to be regarded so. Love, Tom B.
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I agree with your sentiments. I too wrote a poem for my brothers wedding way back in 1974. It has been used by most of my family members. There was a time it was posted on this site and may very well still be. The first paragraph is Ray and me and I think that's what keeps us together. We have our own personal likes and dislikes. Then, we have those things that we do together. We have separate computer rooms. They was allowed because all the kids are grown and gone (except the youngest). We use each other's PC's when one is on the fritz. There is no mine and his but ours. We've been together 36 years. Two of those years were spent dating and the other 34 married. The greatest reason we remain as one is because we believe in the vows we spoke many years ago. We also know that with God in our lives we are bound to stand against all odds. Thanks for this Tom. We need reminding even after a long jaunt at this that there are stipulations to remain in this union. Excellent!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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We always need to be reminded to be present, experience our experience. I am glad that my effort supports you in this. We forget or misplace the importance of what have that supports us and revitalizes us in our rush to experience a new creation. I am glad to hear that this supports you in creating with what you have
Love, Tom B.
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Inspired by truths from deep within a poetic soul
We don't appreciate what comes too easily. Therefore labor in love.
Life and marriage are not toil and suffering unless we demand that life be as we want it to be.
Life is how it is. Don't take it personally. Just take it and make it into what you want.
Acceptance of how it is over how we think it should look is a hard paradigm to get over.
There's a process of growing plants called companion planting where two are in close enough proximity to protect each other without becoming root bound.
Boundaries and understanding the person's space has been something I have to fully understand.
I realize trust has been a serious deficiency in the my roots.
Very deep thoughts Tom.
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I never cease to be amazed at how this touches people. It is so unlike my normal writing style. I shy away from giving advice, my own life being in such need of help. Still this one seems to have grown wings and brushed many people's heart. Thank you for all of your thoughts.
Love, Tom B.
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What an inspiring write. funny I found this at a time in my life when I really needed it. They say God works in mysterious ways...I do believe. thanks for a little inspiration at a time that seemed hopeless. A great piece. Kelly
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Truly all you need is ever present, all you have to do is be willing to receive. If this helped in any small way then we are both blessed. thank you. Love, Tom B.
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AMEN
For love comes with each breaking dawn to be there no matter what and to see that person for who they are not what you want them to be for in time love is seen through freedom to be oneself . Shareing those changes and giving each other growing room love comes to ballance with faith -
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Thank you. This is just what it is. A prayer for the couple to learn that Love is the energy, their commitment an opportunity for successs and I have but provided a few stray arrows in the direction of improving their chances. Thanks. Love, Tom B.
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Congratulations on your award a great letter and another great keepsake,
warm thoughts
Frozentearz -
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thanks for the constant support. May your day blossoom into wonderful joys.
Love, Tom B.
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I see you have given this to newly married couples but is is good advice for all mariages. Your metaphor on two trees growing side by side, leaving room for growth is so true. Although people are married they are still individuals, still needing room to grow without the other one cramping their style.
The following are great lines for Life in general. "Life is how it is. Don't take it personally. Just take it and make it into what you want." For me life is 10% of what you make of it and 90% of how you take it. Taking things too personally can harm in multiple ways.
Your poem is great!!!
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When I wrote this, it mostly wrote itself. As I look on it now, it is about living in relationship. This means that living is an artform. We need to see how are creativity needs to be applied and where we need to accept the way it is. You are so right in all that you have said. Thank you for sharing your joy with my poem.
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Wise Words!
Your first stanza reminds me of Gibran. He says the same of temple pillars. It is important to be connected like the roots of trees but not so closely that we choke on another.
You second stanza is ever so true. Love without, trust, and respect of the other is not love at all. Lust is not love, after a while the sensuality wanes and there is nothing left. Excellent advice on both accounts.
"Generosity, in the face of adversity, demonstrates the greatest faith."
This is wisdom at its height. I know this to be true without room for dispute. I hope the contest holder sees the wisdom shared here. This is stellar work my friend, although I am not in the least surprised. Brilliant!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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These are wise words you've written here. I can think of no better advice to give to those who are about to be married. Thanks for the wisdom, and thank you Julie for giving me the link to this
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Thanks for the support and compiment. It is nice to hear. May your days be long and wise.Love Tom B.
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I am forever in debt that you have shown me this and shared it with me...I will treasure it just as your friend has...a beautiful honest write on what will work...the mechanics of a solid relationship....I have learned much from you this day...thanks, your friend, Julez
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Julez
You owe me only living your life to the best of your ability. I do not own the rights to wisdom and good sense. I have made to many blunders and done to many stupid things myself. I have learned I am not damned for not being perfect. I have gotten so I can hear good things about myself without wondering what they want. Learned to give support and help where I can for what else as humans are we to do.
I don't know your story and truthfully we all have stories. But, I have learned to listen to the heart and here the cries of the soul, both joyous and sad. I guess it is a talent I have been blessed with. I only say that because so many have proclaimed it something special about me. So, I guess it is.
It is obvious, to me, that you have a lot to give. You care and want to do good. These are a good place to start. The rest is recognizing that in keeping the focus on yourself you are not keeping others out. You are just making sure that you are the best person you can be so that you can share in the best that others have to answer. Your friend. Love, Tom B.
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an excellent write with wonderful advice. i am going to show this to my son and his fiance. who knows? maybe one day it will hang in their dining room. keep writing poet. i like your words. God bless you always
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You know, I think i wrote this while deeply blessed. a friend called me and said David John is getting married write a poem. By when I asked. Well I need it by this evening he replied. The analogy about the trees was said at my first wedding. The rest is just the lessons I learned and paid for. Best thing to do with all knowledge is share it. The reason I think the hand of God is in all this is that so many people are touched by it and take it into their lives. That takes far more than me to do. Love Tom B.
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Bravo,excellent advice and common sense to guide any and every couple and how easy it is to forget these things in the busy of bee,good luck in the contest but you already have the trophy of gifting guidance to love sweet love so that it does not turn to hate,dark hate.Well done!!! love and light,Yvette
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Very true indeed
I remember this. I first read this when I was writing my marriage vows, and some of this flavor found it's way into my marriage vow soup. This I believe was the starter. You definately have touched on what marriage should be, and gratefully, I get to enjoy a relationship much like the one in this note. Thank you for your insight Tom. Much love, Harper
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No kinder and more meaningful gift
It truly is gift. To me to be a source of inspiration to someone's relationship is a reward beyond compare. Thank you with all my heart. Love, Tom b.
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I love this write of marriage !! The solid foundation of what makes it and the friendship that must form with trust to begjn it. This is beautiful!! having been remarried only two yrs now, this is an inspiration to read and keep in mind.
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as you can tell
This came from a personal well of experience. I have given it to friends on their wedding day and found it framed and hung in their house. Always amazes me. it is about relationships. The care and up keep. Love gives us the power to do it, everyday. Love Tom B.
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thank you for adding this to the contest for lynz. it is very beautiful and i could not pass it up. thank you again. viyanna rosemarie
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very beautiful poem tom. thank you for permission to use it for my step daughter. viyanna rosemarie
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I think I should have seen this twenty years ago and maybe it would have made a difference...then again...maybe not....for in love and marriage and committment there must also be trust, when that goes away and deception replaces it, the comittment has already died.
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This is not about love, it is about relaitonship
Trust is central, for there is no commitment without trust. No room for honor either. Like I said it makes love a lie. Still when if you let another great love into your life, then remember me just enough to let me know. Just so I can hold your hands and tell you how happy I am for you. If you don't remember me and visit often so we can grow close as friends and share bad stories and find time to finally visit one another and laugh till the sun goes around. Love Tom B.
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Hard work.
Marriage is hard work, as is life, just to survive nowadays leaves love wanting. And children needing to be loved. Never enough time for anything.
I in later years look back and wonder? Where did the time go? Why did i not love when I should have? She was there but life and survival drowned us both into submission. Now alone, I seek only pleasure in life, not hard work,because any relationship after the euphoria at the onstart, dwindles into reality. What need have we to be loved what is the reason why? To be comfortable, to have meals upon the table? To satiate our desires?
All this I can have without a relationship.So what tell me has a marriage got to offer, that a single man cannot have?In all forms of taste, perfume and beauty.Whenever he so wishes it.And never a woman ever to nag him not to do!
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< that you find it worth sharing is compliment enough
I have been blessed with sometimes having the right words at the right time. Thanks for seeing this as a piece worth sharing.There is no higher compliment. Love Tom B. -
This was something from your earlier response and joy just seemed right to share. Glad it was able to provide you with joy. Love, Tom B.
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Excellant
A most excellant write indeed. You were correct, I did enjoy this. -
Actually, I have thought about being a life coach, but I wouldn't know where to start.
I know how long it has been. You were one of the first people I met on this site. Glad yu like this piece. Love, Tom B.
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Well, I have a hard time seeing myself as humble, but thanks for the compliment. Glad you could enjoy this one. Love, Tom B.
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I see that I already did comment on this and my thoughts have not changed since then (wow, that has been over a year ago) and I realise now that it has even ben much longer that I have had the pleasure of making your aquaintance on this site. And now I will go one step further....at that time my printer did not work----it does now , so I will print it , find a nice frame for it and hang it where I can see it first thing every day. That would be this room-----finally done remodeling and it isnow my zen-office-inspiration place all of my own. It is sacred territory
You know you ought to consider becoming a life coach
much love always,
xoxoxoxo
reenie
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you write so well,
and you are so humble.
i love your poems.
candy -
Wanda,thanks. I think so. We are both far from
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