do you feel a loosening of the knots?
the web of lies society has wrapped you in?
you rebel towards things understood as a child,
that people said you shouldn't believe.
(and you believed)
no blood; no foul
you tell yourself
wandering away with
chains dragging behind you
they shorten
and cut the nape,
irritating and festering
drawing you into
a slowly decreasing arc
dragging you toward
the anchor
but it’s such a pretty collar
all your friends want one too
it doesn’t hurt to be
bridled and restrained
it’s such a lovely view
(except that the bars
fade into the scenery
you so enjoy
tainting your perception
until you believe
everyone shares this view)
the night awakens a lust in you-
a primal thrust of instinct
that screams
(it has to be, it must)
of insanity
and you
belay
delay
and fornicate
with your finger
(your god would not be pleased)
so back it up
stand it down
regroup
and plan
drive
the point home
only you need convincing
Author notes
Written January 20th, 2003
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no tweek needed
seeems like the words are coming but the fellings behind them are less strenuos -
Well I really liked the "your god" bit. I didn't need any more than that to understand the point you were make'n. Great write, its all very though provoaking (&*#@ the spelling!!, I dont have time to brain that word out, gotta run) BON
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Wohhh! That one was extremely weird!! Very good though, very very deep! I perceive this poem more as a religious issue...or is it? With the last verses convincing me to think that. Or could it be just society as a whole? Or the media, what makes cool? Very thoughtful poem. You must have pondered a while to make this so great! Excellent piece of writing, and very straight forward!
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thanks gecko. It seems I've evolved a bit. I have you and a few others to thank for that. invaluable advice and gentle encouragement has been the soil I've grown in. thank you, my friend. :)
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neutral
exceptionaly done mate
I still remeber the stuttering from when you first came here
the lisp is gone
the stutter replaced with a polished
smoothness -
ha ha! that it is drumdog. I've been in this frame of mind for a few months now and it's starting to show in my writing. thanks for reading
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yes! steph, that's it exactly. lol, leave it to me to find the long way to say 'ignorance is bliss'
as for the technical suggestions... the comma thing is a good idea- I think it would help there.
the 'your god' part is really just a reference to religion in general. I believe everyone should havce their own specific belief without organization of the masses. eh, I'll clean it up and see if I can'tmake it a little clearer. thanks for reading, my friend -
don't touch it!
This seems to me, a verbally violent attack on conformaty. Intelligent and well thought. -
neutral
i recall when you first mentioned the possible development of this.
avenues it would take and the shape it would betray.
i must admit i was a quiet skeptic, but it's fantastic. sure, there are a few things i'd harp on:
(except for the bars that,
with time,
fade into the scenery
you so enjoy
tainting your perception
until you believe again
that everyone sees this view)
((((i think this group would benefit from something like an old fashioned comma, strategically placed))))
also: 'your god would not be pleased'
it's kind of vague, as you don't ever reference specifically WHAT God/deity, etc. would be displeased. i dunno. i'd just like to see a sharper definition in that area. without knowing what god, it's kind of hard to assume that he/she/it would absolutely be displeased with the finger fornicating bit.
which, by the way,
was CRUDE!!! woo-hoo. and i don't mean that in a derogatory way, friend. harsh images parallel the harsh sentiments and that really makes this work. you chose a few images/props and really dragged it through. it's easy to lose consistency when you pick this point of 'view'. (you, you, you) heh. but you didn't cave and trust me, i was looking for it!
anyway, i really enjoyed this and here we are. i've not even commented on the message. we want to be deceived. it's easier. what's the maxim: ignorance is bliss? that's what this reminds me of. ah well. take care. -
thank you, bopsicle (still trippin on your name... rofl)
I have quite a few of the 'societal' rants. it's something always on the forefront of my feeble mind :P -
don't touch it!
yes yes YES!!!
now that my philosophical orgasm is overwith, wow...I REALLY liked this one. I don't see much societal criticism in poetry lately and this stuff is YUMMY. Needless to say I agree completely and I think you worded it like no other could. -
thanks lisa. I guess I may be a little hard on myself
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lol, thanks karen. we will work out the pre-frontal lobe tomorrow, ok? :D
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neutral
travis you told me to read this properly and tell you what i thought of it. well ive read it about four times now and all i see is a damn fine poem. pretty much perfection. i cant tear something apart when its all smooth edges lol.
fantastic writing as ever from you
welcome back
Lisa x -
don't touch it!
Wow, Travis, another amazing write from you!!! Very powerful with wicked images:) Welcome back, been missing reading your very thought provoking writes, they always give my brain a workout;)
Take care,
Karen -
lol, jaden... thanks. sometimes I just want to slap the collective whole of the human race, ya know? how can we be so stupid as to make the same mistakes over and over and over?
someday it may change. I can't wait -
thanks for reading, gozling
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don't touch it!
The title drew me in. . .then I was glad to see the poem itself was just as entertaining.
Got a damn fine chuckle out of this. -
don't touch it!
as your bonds drag you into
the anchor
besides the ending.. this part i did think was very clever!
hey... good to see you...
always think your shit is fantastic!!! -
katie, thanks so much.I only just noiced that stanza rhymes.. lol
I'll try really hard to read and judge that challenge tonight.
thanks again for reading :) -
rofl di!
you would fixate on the finger wouldn't ya!?!?
lol, thanks for reading. your comments never fail to put me in high spirits :D -
excellent
powerful. very powerful. i read it out loud and i sounded as though i was talking to myself in this hateful tone. it was awesome.
but it’s such a pretty collar
and all your friends want one too
it doesn’t hurt to be
bridled and restrained
it’s such a lovely view
this is going on as one of my favorites. amazing job.
Katie o) -
don't touch it!
Wow, you came back with a vengance Travis.....
Smack us with your words...
Last line really hits home.....(not the finger thing though) lol
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