Its back with a vengeance
The silent killer that stalks
From within your own mind
Telling you you’re unwanted
It hides in the back of your mind
Whispering how empty you are
That you would be better off dead
Ohh welcome the death it says
You’re worthless and a joke
Living in the world of the living
You need not be there to spoil
Just end it all and be gone
I must fight to live everyday
But it has taken hold again
Now the fight is on
To live is all the prize
Author notes
I have lived with Depression for years. Diagnosed with Major Depression with Suicidal tendencies, I have beaten it for a long time. But beating it, means you have to beat it everyday, not just one day. About a week and a half ago, I took a bad turn and have been fighting it, while trying to make everything look ok to my friends. Today is the first day that I have not had any thoughts of suicide in over a week. But to be honest, I don’t know how long I can hold that, I feel my strength waning even now.
Do not pray for me, as God has forsaken me a long time ago. Either I make it or not, as always it depends on me and my next actions, which are already in play.
Written September 20th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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wow, I know this feeling- I have learned to just fight these thoughts- cause I know they aren't real. I hope you come back and write more poetry! Duana
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Not sympathy, Scribe...understanding & support...you have a great many Friends, Dan...we all love, respect & admire you...asking for help is a sign of Strength, you know...not weakness...Artists are well known for having difficulties, Dan...we are so sensitive to the World & all that lies within it...Take care of you, Scribe...we're all rooting for you...
Wanda
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Oh I just remembered; They dragged me out of a tub of blood awhile back. Right in front of my teen-age grandkids .. so I did hospital time .. and it isn't the first time. I'm suicidal on a grand scale. The first time I was 16 .. but the main thing I wanted to say was, while I was in the hospital, a nurse came and really sweet, reminded me that I was setting an example for my grandkids.. telling them that suicide is a way of coping with life. Please think about that. There are many ways to cope with life .. all of your friends here .. counselling .. talk to me ..since I know what it's like ..being drug out of a tub of bloody water naked by handsome firefighters is not a good experience ..
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Dan, God has not forsaken you, my Friend...& I will pray for you...& sing for you...& smile for you...until you feel well enough to do it for yourself once more...I have Faith in ya, Scribe...you can beat this...& you know my history with suicide in my family, Dan...it is not the answer...Keep fighting it, my Friend...you'll win this battle, as well...Seek help in whatever way you can, Scribe...Don't listen to the voices inside your head, Dan...they're lying & cruel...you are worthy...we need your Presence here...the World needs all the Poets it can get, Dan...Don't give up... Wanda
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Dear Pierre, I only know you in passing, but I know this problem well. All of the things which had worked to keep my head up sounded stupid and wrong, and so was I, my inner voice robbed me of passion, castigated me for sloth, blamed me for everything that was wrong and took credit for nothing that was right.
It helped me to remember Woody Allen's words, "Eighty percent of life is just showing up." We do have a place, every one of us, and anyone who disappears is missed. Never forget the tenacious bonds that people have, even when you feel they are slipping. Blessings to you, even if you don't believe in them right now.
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I suffer from depression too; among other things .. and it does ravage the mind and put you in a dark pit that you sometimes want to just stay in .. Believe me when I say you aren't unwanted .. remember I love you just for your first name..what more can a man want?
and you told me it wasn't French .. now that's something .. you have me, and I know you aren't French .. but are you sexy? Doesn't matter .. I just got dumped and feel pretty lousy too. Getting old .. all that blues; Want to be attractive and well you can see me .. gravity does a job ..Listen I'm not getting any comments and that's another thng...where are you? I could use some comments..
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I feel your poem.....
I feel the sadness and the pain and your poem carried me away for this is as real as it gets. I am dropping by to leave some flowers for you hoping it will brighten up your day a bit and though we don't know each other I want to give you a hug for the courage that you will take, to fight your own battle of survival and wishing you will be able to conquer your fears and live a better day!
Please take good care.........
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What can I say that they haven't. Other than you know what I have been through. And how long all I wished for was to die so I could be with Maynard. But I kicked myself in the ass, and started looking for life. To tell you the truth I didn't think I would find it. But I not only found it, but found it soon after my self kick. Don't give up Dan. Don't make me go there and kick your ass. take care OK.
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I'm glad you have taken the steps to seek the help you need once again. Depression is an illness and it's nothing to be ashamed of. There are many of us here who love you Dan and will be here for you. I know you know that, but I just want to remind you again. You are worthy my friend and you have been here for so many others. Now let them do the same for you. Stay safe and be well.
(`'•.¸(`'•.¸ ¤ ¸.•'´)¸.•'´)
~~~Touchof1der~~~
(, .•'(¸.•'´ ¤ `'•.¸)`'•.¸) -
This makes me sad for you, Dan. And I can relate somewhat as to what you're going through....Not on a personal level as to myself but I have another dear friend, and also a family member, who have/has been going through serious depression. It's an effort every day for them to fight it, live life as best they can. But they're conquering this demon within, and I know you can, too. The times we've talked, all the time I've known you on AP, the things we've both written and things we've talked about.... in each and every word there's hope, and the sometimes hidden knowledge that deep within each of us lies the strength and faith we need. We have to let it surface, allow us to kick butt in all the right directions.
Joel is so right in his comment above. You may feel the depression you've been diagnosed with, it may seem to be eating you alive, and it may seem that God has forsaken you. Now you have to turn all that around (and you can do it). Rekindle that faith in God, he hasn't forsaken you, don't forsake Him. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle, Dan. Always you need to remember he's there for you, for all of us, in whatever way we perceive Him to be.
Your poem envisions the hell you're going through... and the last stanza, that last beautiful verse says it all..that's my Dan speaking, with the glow of the faith within. Even you can't make it die, Dan... That faith and hope has a stronger hold on you than you may realize, stronger than the demon who challenges that strength to fight on.
In you rcomment you said..do not pray for me... well, Hon, my prayers are already out there and more on the way
Let that guardian angel you have keep it's loving watch over you
And you know how to reach me if you want to.
s and much love, my dear friend
Dee
Edited on Sep 20, 1:45 p.m. because ''. -
Aww Dan, you disappeared..i knew something is wrong..im so sorry to hear all this..its really touching my dear..i know about depression and i did lived moments with brother who had that..so i really know those feeling and thoughts..hope you can see doctor soon and get help..i will be here for you my friend..
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Thank you Joel!
My friend of many years here on the net. You are right about living for others, as usually it is very fulfilling. I have always tried to be there for my friends, but it is even getting hard to be here for just myself anymore.
Yes I am fighting it, and will continue to. I see a doctor tomorrow, and hopefully I can get back to myself again.
Thank you my friend! -
Sad but Very Touching
A sad and touching write my friend. Sure, depression is hard on us and fighting back takes a lot of our strength and energy. But fight we do and always we win, defeating those evil thoughts that seemed to have penetrated into us.
God to my knowledge does not forsake anyone but we often forsake God in our own busy schedules. We have no time for God with all the mundane pressing on us. We conveniently forget the mundane will be easily done with God by our side.
I have known you for some time now and I have only seen a wise head and a man who knows the world better than many. There was a time when I took your advice and felt a lot better afterwards.
A guiding light you are and can not be worthless even in your own eyes. There are many who seek your shoulder to cry and many who find strength in you. Your gentleness gives so much courage to those who speak to you even through IMs or comments.
We do not live for ourselves always, often we live for others as well. More than living for ourselves, living for others is more satisfying than we realise. I have been through hell myself but have survived not because I am strong but because I had freinds like you standing by my side.
I know you will survive and succeed too.
Love and blessings from India - Joel - -
Oh dear.. These are strong words. But I like it, even though it's a sad and depressing topic.
Keep writing, this was interesting!
Maggie x
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