Catchlit pupils, heavy with ambiguity
They are the glare behind gypsy skirts
We want and need, faultless and beautiful
Like pointless waves on a pointless beach
Author notes
Please take this to pieces
Written September 20th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Again, just tighten it up a bit. You have great ideas they just need tightening.
Catchlit pupils(,)heavy with ambiguity - no comma
They are the glare behind gypsy skirts
We want and need, faultless and beautiful
Like pointless waves on a pointless beach
Catchlit pupils heavy with ambiguity
glare from behind gypsy skirts
we desire faultless beauty
like empty waves on pointless beach.
I don't know if this helps, so i will stop here in case you find this insulting.
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A terrifc title to this piece, but then I get lost in the lines. Not sure where they are going, breathless yes, but the rest?
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deal.
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very tasty
i have to fully disagree with this "polly wolly" fellow.
it's the kind of write that i want to tattoo across my chest.
okay, so that's a little extreme, maybe. but i understand it (in my own way) and love it.
cheers.
<3
jessica -
Ben, you have been gone from posting far too long. I have to say that when you come back, you come back with panache. You always have such an intellectual way about your writes. Though that is your strong point, one of these days, you and I have to put together something that goes beyond that. We’ve “collaborated” on a piece already, but I think we could really tear it up with our words. Deal?
~ John -
i just dont get this, what is it meant to be about? each line seems to be about something else and how is a wave pointless. mabye you could leave some authors notes to explain the poem. in a positive each line is written nicely just dont see how they work together
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