I pulled the curtains tight,
Hiding the neon sneeze outside.
I turned off the lamp,
Your pale skin looked sunburnt in the light
Which squeezed through the curtains
And flickered like a dying man's heartbeat.
I lay down on the futon with you,
Making myself into your shadow.
The air conditioner hummed like distant waves.
I pulled the covers tight around us,
Pushing myself into your warmth.
I hooked my arm under yours
To feel your chest gently rise and fall
Like an empty fishing boat on the water.
I whispered into your back,
Hot breath inscribing each word:
"You are mine."
But you were already asleep.
Author notes
Written September 19th, 2005
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Comments
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This is great and if it was written quickly, well heres my handshake to you. Beautiful imagery- romantic and loving. Truly a beaut of a piece!
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Wow...thank you so much for the praise. I guess the only reason I was looking for a critique is because of the short time it took for me to write this. It's that self-doubt that we all have when we write something, I think. I'd had a sense of it in my head for a while but I literally spilled it out on to the page within an hour or so. I suppose that's what comes from writing directly from something so close to your heart.
I'm glad you enjoyed reading it and I hope you read some more of my pieces. Once again, thank you.
As promised, I'll return the favour by leaving a comment on one of your poems. I'm looking forward to reading your work. -
What sort of honest, constructive critique were you looking for, man? I have nothing to say about this. It's already finished. Don't go looking for anything new; in my opinion, you should leave it just the way it is. I can't tell you fix or add or subtract; it's perfect (though I hesitate to use the word only because of its connotations). Why ruin an ideal poem?
Again, this is my opinion. But I suspect you know that already.
I can't even pick out a favourite line or two; everything wonderful is crammed right in there. It's short and concise - just as a poem should be (trim off all the fat, leave all the flesh and bones bare). Your sense of abstract illustration amazes me; it is to what I aspire. Your poem certainly is a source of inspiration.
So, what else to say? All left is my praise, my praise, my praise.
This amazes me (ah: more praise - when ever will it end?). When it's no longer 6.29 in the morning I expect to come back and read some more of your pieces (and, no: I don't mean to say I will be back at 6.30am. Don't be so literal).
Oh, yes: so bookmarked. -
This is amazing, quite original, and it has amazing imagery! this is so unique and I'm in love with it.
I have to put you on my favorites..and theres nothing you can do about it!
mwah ah ha ha ahaaa!
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