I knew I wanted something, but I only knew how to dream
She knew she wanted something, but she only knew how to scheme
I captured her attention, as she captured my esteem
We were tired of getting ice, while others got the cream
We thought reality was a thing as cold as ice
I sought to posses her beauty, as she sought to posses my sweat
We danced beneath the tree of life, because we chose to forget
The illusion we had created in our life was only a silhouette
But she was the most beautiful illusion that I had ever met
An illusion as beautiful as the Eve of paradise
I felt warm as she gave to me the illusion of affection
She felt safe as I gave to her the illusion of protection
But the forbidden fruit of that tree only leads to death
We must face the justice of the One Who gave us breath
The forbidden fruit has an awful heavy price
Our desire to escape pain, in reality, filled our cup
With the pain we ran from, we had to drink it up
We hoped to return to the paradise where there’s no pain of birth
Redeemed by our Savior the Son sent by the Father to the earth
In the reality of love the Lord made this sacrifice
Author notes
Written September 19th, 2005
A contest entry
- Inspired by Bible stories.... by nightshade10.
625 points, ended December 19, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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First off, thanks for entering this in my contest.
I think there are a lot of really intersting ideas here. I'm not so sure about the structure, though. It seemed like the rhythm was a little off in parts, which was kind of distracting.
I also thought that there was a huge shift in message that was a little confusing between the third and fourth stanzas. The beginning of the poem is all about this illusion of love that you have with someone, but then all of a sudden it seems like God is thrown in there out of the blue.
Anyway, thanks for entering this. Good job. -
I agree, but this isn't really what I'm looking for in this contest, however I do think this is an amazing poem!
My only suggestion for you, something I find alot of poems are lacking, so I'm not just picking on you, would be to add some punctuation. Grammar is a really vital part of poetry because it allows the reader to understand each thought and each phrase as you intended to write it. Where as a poem lacking any punctuation could have the potential to lead the reader astray, therefore causing him to draw a completely different conclusion than you intended to give.
Just a suggestion though!
Other than that, I loved this write, and I think you did a marvelous job of penning it! Keep up the excellent writing!
Best wishes and many blessings fellow poet,
Shirley -
I liked reading your poem. It's mulit dimensional with passion of sorts that go beyone words. I honestly think that there isn't a thing that you could've done to enhance this poem. Good luck in the contest - keep writing! You have a talent here!
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I cannot thank you enough for you honest reaction to my poem Eve of my Life
This poem was written solely with inspiration. Your comment-"it seems it was leading in one place but ended up in another" was a very accurate description of the life of the young woman that inspired this poem. The only disparity in this poem that I am aware of is that, I as the author assumed that the readers of this poem would understand that each love story has its own genesis metaphorically speaking. You see in my perception of creation is that it is an ongoing process as in Milton's Paradise Lost.. This poem is my favorite out of all the poems I have written. I have already published it. The young woman that inspired it died seemingly trying to escape her pain
Edited on Aug 28, 1:25 because ''. -
Courageous message. No author comments though. Interesting ending for the beginning of the peice - it seems it was leading in one place but ended up in another. You may want to try smoothe this disparity, not sure. as always it's up to the writer. Take care and good luck for winning.
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This is such a nice, easy-to-read poem. Very well written. I love the structure of your rhyming. Bravo! Very nice job.
Best of luck in the contest.
Best regards,
-Nathan -
Interesting rhyme scheme you have chosen in these lines. Sentiments well expressed in these lines - easy to read and understand.
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The rhyme scheme and structure of this are very nicely done. And I agree that this poem had a thousand hidden meanings, (ok, maybe not that many, lol) but you get the point. It's a good, no scratch that, it's a great poem. You did very good on this one. Keep writing like this.
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amazing
i can so tell you love this woman. i feel the same way about some one i know
thankyou so much for sharing this incredible, this beautiful poem. it has helped me find the words i need to explain to my lover. full marks
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Wow. That's wicked deep. I like that. I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme in this poem. I also liked the way this poem had a thousand hidden meanings, with each one contributing to the whole effect. Wicked cool. Keep it up!
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