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Chapter 1 : The Beginning
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Naki lived with her mother and her brother, Arch, while her other brother, Cartaki, lived with her Abuelita (grandmother) and Abuelito (grandfather). Then, when she was about 2 years old Arch and Mia went to go live with her mother's parents, Naki's Grandpa Al and Grandma Carol, while Naki went back and forth living with her mother for a month then to her cousin, Dayna, for about 9 months . Then at some point Naki, Arch, and Mia were living in a foster home for a while. When she was about 4 her mother had gotten herself into some trouble and her father was contacted to take her, Arch, and Mia into his custody.
See, it was a cold chilly Saturday night. The moon was full and whiter than the first snow of winter in Chicago. Their mother, Dora, had taken Arch all the way up to the third floor window of their little dinky apartment and it was wide open. There was a crowd gathering at the bottom in the parking lot. People from the left and right all screaming, "No, leave that boy be." You could hear the loud shrieking sound of the ambulance and the irritating sound of three police cars closing in on the building. She was getting ready to jump out of the window with Arch in her arms. But someone was at the door knocking and knocking so she sent Arch to go and answer it and the police kicked in the door at the same exact time Arch was about to open it. To this day he still has a scar on his eyebrow from that day. After he was calmed down from crying he explained to the police that everything was okay that his mommy said she was just going to give him back to God. Right away one of the police officers took Arch by the hand and led him to the squad car. Another officer took the mother into another squad car. The third looked around the apartment and found water on the floor coming from the bathroom with a towel at the bottom of the door. As soon as he opened the door there was a gush of water that poured out and he found Naki and Mia cuddled together drenched from the waist down with ice cold water, because that was the only kind of water that came out of the faucets. He wrapped them both in the warm comforter that was on the bed in the next room. He led them downstairs and placed them inside the same squad car with Arch. All of them confused at why they were being arrested. Because they were going to go back to God? They just didn't understand. Why would they? They were only 3, 4, and 5 with Mia being the youngest and Arch being the oldest.
But anyways, Dayna tried to fight for custody of Mia with the help of her brother, Ron, because she had thought that Mia would be better off with her because she thought that the father would mistreat her because of the fact that she was not his child. But the courts denied Dayna the custody because Naki's father did want custody of Mia because he thought that it would be wrong to take Mia out of Arch and Naki's life, since they already knew her. But nobody knew exactly what Naki's parents' relationship was like. But Naki's mother, Dora, says that he constantly abused her and made her feel like crud. So why wouldn't she tell the police that? She did. They just didn't listen.
Author notes
Written September 15th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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More! I demand more!
What you're describing has the potential for a real emotional impact, but I feel its not quite handled as well as it could be. You've got an excellent structure for a story starting up there, you really do, but I feel that if you want to make it a truly exemplary piece of work, you should slow down the pace of the story. Take care to describe the emotions of each character, give some more background and describe their normal, every day lives. Extend each aspect of their suicide attempts and then embellish on courtroom procedure. Arch would make a great central point for this. Give him more space. Show (don't tell) his love for his parents, and have some dialogue that explains how his mother is giving him back to god. This has the potential to be one of the better stories on this site, if you just tease it out a little further!

