Of fairest winds unheard but for your sighs,
Of moons not held to reach your gentle hand,
'Twixt glimpses caught within our star-filled eyes,
The dreams we shared, we didn't understand.
No lens was ever held to fewer flaws,
How perfect seeming formed our foolish dreams --
So seldom hearts beheld of less because
Our love twice fuller sees what mere love seems.
What light would burn down prisons' strongest walls,
And carry brighter flames in passion's fingers,
Whereto the darkest cavern fear still gnaws,
That flame would drive love deep while faint hope lingers.
What desp'rate fire we burned, as loves must sear,
Until that night our hearts gave over fear.
Author notes
[Shakespearean Sonnet]
-the fire referred to is the anxiety one feels when they are afraid to tell someone they love their true feelings. In this case it was mutual. (for a time)
Meleah rocks my socks
Written September 15th, 2005
In a list
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I enjoyed the beautiful "olde worlde" feel to this lovely sonnet that so eloquently (and accurately) described the nature of falling and being "in love". I admire the skill that had this piece flowing so effortlessly!!
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kendhal: It depends on your definition of goth. I would say the majority of my poetry is goth, just not overtly so. Try "How Shadows Feel" for a sonnet.
I think "Reverence" and "As Wings of Wind" are very goth (but not sonnets). "Everlasting Hour" as well, "Furious Heart", "Scarred" ....
My villanelles are more goth than my sonnets.
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This is also beautiful you have a lot of talent in your penn. Do you write any gothic sonnets? I'm interested of the darkerside of sonnets. Kendhal22
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Amazing!
This is beautiful! I love the words it was used to write with, it just really blew me away. I'm totally speechless! Now I have to go check out the rest of your works, because you can never read too many good poems! Good luck on the contest that you're in, you're probably the best one there!
~tenshihijimushi (hiji) -
uh hum this is incredible very intriging and full of energy well in heart any way i liked this peice it shows talent well done and gd luck!
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Very Well written! I have always been amazed by your writing skills.
This one didn't let me down!
Poem- 67/70
Comments- 29/30
Overall: 96/100
Suggestions- Great Job! It's just that I prefer having verses. But that's where subjectivity creeps in. Wonderful poem davidz! -
hey!!! this poem was awsome!!! I thank you sincierly for commenting on my poetry, but God did give the gift of life... He also gave me the will to love... thats more what I was refering to than "God made me love you", but none the less... I thank you!!! (Great poem once again!)
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So descriptive and beautiful. Your words weave together. It flows. Very awesome job. Good luck in the contest.
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Beautiful piece! this part especially spoke to me "What light would burn down prisons' strongest walls,
And carry brighter flames in passion's fingers" it shows just how strong love can be if you let it. great imagery and good luck in the contest!~becky -
very elegant write...thoroughly enjoyable to read...you've great talent
thank you for entering and best of luck to you
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Wonderful, absolutely wonderful I loved the end rhyme very nice. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck to you.
Always,
Brat
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Beautiful. I haven't seen anything quite like this on here. Best of luck in the contest!
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A masterfully penned sonnet.
I too thought it fast paced but then
I slowed down and read it again.
Simply stunning!
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Very nice job, this was a great read. Keep up the good work and I hope you do well in the contest.
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Wow! Just wow! It's so amazingly phenomenal! It's just so wow! It's left me speechless, this poem you made. Great job and keep up the terrific, no, spectacular job you do so well!
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I love the backgrouhnd colours to this poem, they add much to the title and verse. Nicely written sonnet, one ething I have not written since high school. One day maybe...
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Great sonnet! I liked how you stayed true to alot of the old school prepositions. Great imagery, and seemless rhyming. Way to go!
Edited on Sep 17, 1:00 p.m. because ''. -
that was awesome!
I loved it
you are really talented!
good luck in the contest you are entering
and keep on writing -
Very nice write,very finely crafted. You should do very well in the contest. -AL
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really liked this
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This is a really beautiful sonnet. I love reading poetry like this. I really like the first two lines. This is very professionally written. Great write!
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Godwin I beg to differ. In the english language iambic pentameter may contain an additional trailing unstressed 11th syllable and still be considered fully iambic pentameter. This holds true for sonnets.
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I must quickly point out that line 12 has eleven syllables which is contrary to what a sonnet should have [ nine or ten syllables].In all, good job.
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this was great nicle flow kinda fast paced, but very awesome and a great way of using words, alltogether I say great work my frind. keep up the amazing work and looking forward to more from u.
Mortikie -
Nice job! wow such a wonderful write up dear, its just incredible ... I like it its just plain beautiful ... Words can barely explain what I think of this piece, keep it up dear
Take care
~ Steph ~ -
Bravo! Encore!
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. You're an incredibly talented poet. -
Hi David, AP'S computer is playing tricks again, just managed to get onto this poem after trying several times, like it a dramatic love write was not sure of line ending in fingers, seemed to jar slightly, but that is a personal opinion, a desperate plea to love,very romantic, all the best, kind regards Di
Edited on Sep 17, 3:13 because ''. -
wonderful write my dear friend you have done an exceptional job....keep the talent flowing through your veins and always share your gift........
Meus Opus Magnus and Blessed Be.......Alison-Maree -
blown away
WOW! You WROTE that????? That is AWESOME dude! I love it! OMG. Thumbs up. Two thumbs. Where's the thing to click 'aplaud'? *gets mouse, hurries and clicks*
lol -
What desp'rate fire we burned as loves must sear,
Until that night our hearts gave over fear.
-Simply stunning. Rarely these days am I impressed by rhyming poetry, but I got to hand it to you davidz not only did this come off completely unforced and natural, but as an overall poem,l it's an emotional knock-out. I'm definitely bookmarkign this. Either you are too ahead of your time, or this has stuck you in the past. If it be the latter, for the love of God, stay there. This is amazing. Please feel free to read some/any of my own peotry new and old, as I certianly intend to browse through more of your own stuff.-Curtis Meyer -
terrific
I think this is beautiful and save for a few types of poetry that could be named, not an expert on anything except that which I like. I praise that which I enjoy and this was a spectacular painting! Lovely paint of words. -
TERRIFIC!!
wow taht's amazing i love it!!! it has such a musical flow to it and i can feel it's beauty shining through your carefully chosen words! it's like a collage of words on a canvas of paper!! the words are chosen like the colors used to paint and exquistite painting.. aka i love it!!! great job!!!! and best of luck in all your writing!
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slight confusion i think but otherwise its good
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this almost sounded like something Shakespeare would write. you did an amazing job, I'm impressed
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Bravo!
Excellent, excellent Shakesperean sonnet!! Bravo! -
almost there
very nice. yes, the form could use some work. a revision to iron everything out would be nice. in my opinion, the gist is on point though. it leaves room for the reader to apply their on perspective. i wouldn't change the content at all. -
I Love to read your sonnets, I am not very good at them..Hiaku or Choka I can do..never have mastered the sonnet as of yet. Great job, it was well worth the read, thanks for featuring it!
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This was very beautiful, I loved it all. I'm just speechless really, amazing job. Best of luck to you, and I hope to read more.
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I'm not into the technicality of forms, I like what moves me and this piece moves me. I think that the flow was nice and that the meter was very well done.
I truly enjoyed the read.
~Dee
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I am amazed that you get such detailed and dramatic critiques. Some are just invaluable and some seem a bit overdone.
The rich artwork here blows any thoughts of punctuation and pauses out of my head. I compare that to any good reading experience. If I read with no thought of meter that is because the meter is melodic and smooth. Otherwise my focus is on the meter's flaws, not on subject. The meter in the reading here is manipulated beautifully (with creative variations) and I am free to notice the depth of content and brilliance of the language and phrase.
Your work draws some very interesting and educational comments. -
I am afraid i am a poetry ignoramous on writing forms, but i do appreciate a nicely written piece, i will leave the serious critiquing to the knowledgeable ones the likes of Nimbus and just say I enjoyed the read.
Barb -
nimbus: I am struggling to understand exactly what you are advising. However I appreciate your efforts to give specific technical critique.
line 2 has many possible meanings suggesting either the passage of time as a moon is a month, reaching for something unobtainable, to looking into a mirror. Whether something is too abstract, is dependant on the readers mind set at a specific moment in time. But the quatrain ends with dreams we did not understand, so I hope that allows the reader to let go of any miscomprehensions and move on to the next.
"No lense was ever held to fewer flaws,
How perfect seeming formed our foolish dreams"
I thought the line "no lense was ever held to fewer flaws" is quite easy to understand however. What do we scrutinize with a lense to search for flaws? diamonds, fine art, japanese swords. stamps: anything which bears close scrutiny. A lense looking for flaws. the line merely says... something which was looking at something else saw no flaws. (that something is the judgements of the speaker towards a their dreams/love).
The poem goes from looking out to space to looking inwards for tiny flaws.
"So seldom hearts beheld of less because
Our love twice fuller saw what mere love seems. "
this is why there were no flaws. The speakers love saw PAST them.
the rest of the poem I think is self explanatory.
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Perfection!
'What desp'rate fire we burned as loves must sear,
Until that night our hearts gave over fear.'
Oh poet, what words! Your sonnet is very beautiful and so well written. Please don't heighten the narrative on my account, this old heart might startle and stop abruptly if you do! Perfection! Jane
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Of FAIRest WINDS unHEARD but FOR (??)your SIGHS (??),(masculine rime may not be thematically appropriate)...however a trochee may look natural at the end!
Of MOONS not HELD to REACH your GENtle HAND, (images don't connect well, abstraction is little too much for the motif to sustain)
'Twixt GLIMPses CAUGHT (??) withIN (??) our STAR-filled EYES,
And DREAMS we SHARED but DID not UNderSTAND: (a struggle to read in iambs, and if done so it may go against thematic expectation). Understand is surely not the best of choices, though I understand you needed a word with two stresses and three syllables!
No lense was ever held to fewer flaws, (Here you start losing me completely, images start to look too adventurous)
How perfect seeming formed our foolish dreams -- (I would expect a big thematic pause here, and think a natural strophe break can help)
Last two lines work well, but you lost the pace you need to generate for the drama you want to create! Can you heighten the narrative, a bit?
D -
"your ability arouses envy"
zee1: if only my poem would arrouse something.
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My knowledge of Shakesperian sonnets is shaky at best, but this is beautiful. Your use of language is stunning and in my humble opinion shows talent, the imagery is breathtaking - your ability arouses envy.
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Thats awesome... My love, named David... read this and thought it is awesome too... sounds like something he would write... this is amazing and it made me feel safe... beautiful job... I love it...
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