"Anyone got a light?"
Nicotine still encased in cigarette paper
twistes between her index and middle fingers
as they tremble the nights events away.
An amber flame ascending forward,
dancing slowly upon the black head of a match,
offered by two rough fingers pressed against a thumb,
shielded from wind behind a rough male left hand.
The softened filter raises and presses to her mouth,
and is held flimsily between a set of dry rosy lips.
Crushing the filter, her inhalation gasps
and the tar laced smoke flows from her lips like a river.
Rolling over the smoke as it escapes her lips
are two quiet little words "I'm Darla."
Pause. Two admiring ice blue eyes stare back at her, "Nick."
And so begins the age old story of boy meets girl.
~~~
Author notes
Written September 14th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- What is light? by Jay Elle.
300 points, ended October 31, 2006, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - even the wicked can love occasionally by unraveled.
450 points, ended July 21, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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hey, i enjoyed this quick snapshot of a moment. it seems like a good moment in a novel or story. would you mind explaining to me how this fits the theme of the contest? right now, i don't really see how they relate. thank you for entering,
<3cassidy -
Good idea though this is more like a snap shot a few short seconds under a microscope. Glad you liked it. Thanks for the comment. Peace,
V. -
This has really vivid imagery, well written, though would like to have more info on the nights events that made the fingers tremble so.
Thanks for entering
Jay -
This is brilliant, I love the detail. I could picture the scene in my mind. Wonderful ending too. Realistic yet dreamy, in a way. Great job
Sorry for taking so long to judge my contest, my internet has been giving me some problems. Good luck
♥
~Lana
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This made me light one up..very detailed the images were sharp and very crisp brilliantly penned thank you for allowing me to
Read and comment on your work.. -
Good
Nice Poem! -
Hehehe, this narrative reads like a commercial for a cigarette company, then moves into the more sensual of relationships. Clever write.
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Thanks for the tips, I like the ideas they work well. Thanks for the encouragement.
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Good poem about boy meets girl. I am sure this happens all the time. I do agree with third eye about the active voice in the piece. It would be more like we are there watching it unfold, instead of a retelling it like it already happened.
Good entry. thanks for entering the contest!
Toltec Warrior -
Fun little write, and perhaps describing a scene played out countless times around the world. Any excuse to meet the pretty girl. Captivating and realistic! Thanks for entering.
peace
doug
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actually you've used the active voice in s3 except for the last line, easily changed by making "flowed" "flows"
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I like the story and the detail in this. A few minor points you may want to consider. Line 2 "in-cased within" in akward and a little repetetive. I think simply using "encased" would be enough.
S3 line 1 "soften filter" should be either "soft" or "softened". I like the imagery you've used it really brings the scene to life. I wonder if you've considered telling it in active rather than passive voice eg:
Nicotine still encased within cigarette paper
twists between index and middle fingers
as they tremble the nights events away
and so on. I think it would add to the vivid images and strength of the poem, but even as is, it is a strong piece.
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snapping of fingers, coolness
Dragging away as he sees the play of words the spectator grins, winks and nods. The players named, so it begins.
Rich.
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