space is limited.
the underground, close
to completely usurped,
built into one monumental
mainstream identity.
rebellion is
a fable now. tales of punk
before "punk"; an era
when safety-pin mutilation
was actually offensive. that
was before blue mohawks
and do-it-yourself
fashion strut, pouty-lipped
down Galliano runways.
no longer may we genuflect
on the alter
of the thrift store. the church
for the low of budget
has been bought-out.
torn apart, pieced together, marked-up
(to be) bought-out, torn apart
pieced together
marked-up.
and at a tenth-hand temple of retro
slumming-it
is a luxury reserved
for the fashion elite.
l-. (sept. 13/05)
Author notes
hopefully this is more poetic than rantish.
Written September 13th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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super
What an awesome write!! -
hey you! good of you to stop over and always appreciated.
i have yet to read anything of dosteovsky's, but will look into it, your reading suggestions are always right on.
and i get waht you're saying about it being a bit choppy. i'll try it your way and see if it jives. 'cause, for me, this is all about the message, i don't want to tangle it all up.
thanks again.
l-. -
Because of the protest of a fashion elite and the fact that you describe "the underground" in the second sentence, I couldn't help but be reminded of Dosteovsky's Notes from Underground. But, probably not intended or of any significance.
Still, I think this might be something the underground man would write.
My only problem is that the meaning seems to get lost in the chopped syntax. I put it into prose and tried adding more clarity by fusing some sentences and, well, making it more prose-like. I understand that I'm speaking heresy, but you don't have to leave it in prose, just look at it in a different perspective. You know?
It's good to see you're still writting.
It's always worthwhile.
-
you're always welcome.
this reads much more cleanly now. the absence of capitals and the straight-ahead ideas make everything come across as one strong punch instead of the more scattered ones it was.
only one minor suggestion now: "slumming it" could use a hyphen to make the finish a little smoother. this final stanza has become the strongest part, i think [especially the middle]. -
adam, thanks fr the insight. i've actually decided to jesso the last stanza and make smalls of all the big letters. (it's rare i agree with a whole critique).
hopefully the changes are appreciated by more than myself (tho, my appreciation is most important in this instance)
l-. -
with the capitalized parts it becomes an out-loud piece, is all. the ending is very tragic ["paper bags"] and an excellent point, so it's easy to forgive the out-loud in the written-down where the spoken word is less effective [e.g., i think the ending sounds great but doesn't read nearly as well].
i'm sorry this comment isn't the saving grace needed after the others, but at least they did a thorough job of pointing out the good of what your writing typically is.
Edited on Sep 25, 12:02 because 'it was needed.'. -
excellent!
A creative topic in poetic rant form. I liked that though...Deserves to be read more than once to get the full impact of your words and feelings. Your ending stanza is superb! -
Reading it for the first time- the third stanza is where it all begins to make sense to me. Reading it for a second, I realize your beginning couldnt've been more perfect- and the rest appears to tie in purdyfully. (yeah, that's MY word)
I agree- 'poetic rant' fits.
Punks irritate me to tenth degree, and
I <3 dollar store tiaras.
Edited on Sep 20, 5:46 p.m. because ''. -
EXCELLENT
wow wow wow...best I have read here in a while. you certainly have packed a powerful punch, a blow to the senses and the conciseness and provocation behind every word is certainly sensed! great great great write and I wouldn't suggest you change a thing! thanks for the opportunity to read! -
How about a poetic rant? Nah its very poetic I completely understand where your coming from; not that I was ever a punk before it became cool. But its like these people have lost their identy (old-school punks) and are now forced to do more extreme things to stand out and be rebellious. Impressive (as always) I love how you took an idea that I have often thought about and expressed it perfectly. Haha now that I've written all this maybe I don't get it at all and its all about the partitioning of Africa or something!
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