He fills the needle with his addiction.
Ties off his arm to find the veins.
Pushes the needle through his skin.
Just catering to the idiots within
Author notes
Now while this might not be as mind blowingly wonderous as you might have hoped for in this contest i would greatly appreciate a good opinion on this poem so please don't hold back.
A contest entry
- I want your best piece. by EnigmasPhilosophy.
950 points, ended March 13, 2007, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me feel something. by OhNoChastity.
430 points, ended January 24, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetic Idol (Auditions) by TwilightBloodRuns.
315 points, ended June 8, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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The last line is powerful. It shows a different understanding of the person addicted. It's not just condemning him, but instead sort of understanding. I like that this poem shows the wrongs behind addiction but isn't preachy.
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Thank you for being practical. I will do my best as well.
Okay, here goes:
Why not describe the scene of the act versus telling about the action? Put in some metaphors or similes to bring about awe. With short poems, economy with words is a must. It would be helpful to take out any extra particles or articles (like the) to focus on the word choice or the effect you want to convey with the words you choose.
The last line kind of wrapped up the poem, but with the title and first two line's blatant telling, it lost its effect a bit and kind of just dangled. The last line has the potential to be great if it was changed (I don't know why there exists more than one idiot within) to something like: Catering to the idiot within or Catering to idiots within. Leaving the reader with ambiguity, or something to take away from the poem (just think, while your last line may tie the poem together, someone can take it as inspiration to start another poem) is a good idea. A poem need not be tidy like an essay or a story with a beginning middle or end, but it can focus on a part of the story. If you would like an illustration of what I am talking about (an adaptation of your poem) please let me know. -
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thank you
thanks for the honest input i will take it to heart and see if i can work this piece a little more to make it as good as i would like it to be..
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Great peom for it only being 4 lines long. Most people cant create such a masterpiece with so little words. I really like this one a lot. Keep it up, cant wait to read more!
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An excellent short poem worthy of 3 stars.
Wow, what an accomplishment, poetically speaking! A poem consisting of only 4 lines. Although this poem is very short, you really managed to day a lot in such a short poem. And I especially like how the last two lines of the poem rhymed. Please, take the time to review some of my poems for me. Reviewed by ADB5121967.
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I like that you say idiots instead of a tired escapist cliche like demons...shows that its a foolish mistake instead of some sort of power being held over onesself. well written, but forgetable. goodluck.
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