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She Has Fallen

 



 

 

I walk this unstable land
amid storms of raging love,
and thought their embers burn all around,
I am searching for an unwanted desire.


 

I see her, spinning on threads of cold ice
perilously close to the edge,
she falls in,
and turned blue with the coldness
that has settled within her heart.


 

She has done nothing to deserve this
except live and breathe.
Her blue frozen tears
are my path...

I find her.
I call to the sun for warmth
and a spring thaw
so I may reach out
and pick her up,
and hear her voice calling with desire.

 


 






a companion piece written for Falling and Barren  by Molly Densmore  





Author notes

She has fallen, what man wouldn't dream of picking her up!
Written September 10th, 2005

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • lavender shadows
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the bronze on this one Dad! Just keeping adding to that collection on your trophy page!

    And, you know I'm more critical than I ought to be... But you've somehow managed to deal with that! And you know I'm not into wordiness (although I'm wordy myself... Always using twice as many words as necessary to describe a simple thing... perhaps I'm a hypocrit, but at least I'm trying to be better!). Yes, I'm serious about my new nickname for you though!

    To my dearest "and wbiro",
    Your water daughter (because "glad dad" rhymed so well! )


  • wbiro gold member
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you Di! You beat me again, you rascal!

  • wbiro gold member
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    thank you, shewolf, and I'm glad you enjoyed the two pieces together as much as I did creating the companion piece! Pure inspiration! Thanks for the bronze, too!

  • wbiro gold member
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you, my treasure, for your suggestions! May my 'ands' bother you to doomsday! lol I think they work poetically here, kind of like a drone... as for all the words in the 'coldness' part, sometimes adding more words gives the reader more time to formulate and mull over an image- do not think poetry is proper grammer, my dear, it is a mental and emotional paintbrust! lol but I shall tinker!
    your glad dad!
    Edited on Oct 05, 11:10 p.m. because ''.


  • masterblaster gold member
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on your trophy, good write, hugs Di


  • CarolDesjarlais silver member
    September 11, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This is a great idea, to write a companion piece. It is good. It is evocative. It is tender!

  • lavender shadows
    September 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This is such a powerful piece! You speak so passionately (oh dear, you wouldn't believe how many times I had to try to spell that word right! ) throughout the whole piece.

    A few things that I may suggest, as a strong-disliker of "filler" words...
    "she has turned blue with the coldness
    *that has* settled within her heart…"
    ...I think that it would work just as well, if not better, if it were "[...] the coldness settled within her heart…"
    Also, at the end:
    "and pick her up,
    and hear her voice calling with desire…"
    ...here I honestly think that it would be better removing at least one of the "and"s. I think that the second one would be better because that would make the last line much more powerful.
    You could do "hear her voice calling with desire…", but I personally think that "hearing her voice calling with desire…" would be better because it would emphasize the longing, as though she were from a distance still. (OK, my explanation sucks, but perhaps you understood what I meant).

    Overall, really good piece here though. Best of luck in the contest!

    The critical AP daughter you haven't been able to get rid of yet


  • SexyAngel0418
    September 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    wow... This is awesome... You did a great job on this one!!! I really like it AP daddy... I really like this poem!!!

    Hugs,
    Beth

1 - 8 of 8