SNOGGO And The Werewolves From Hell
Another tale about SNOGGO
*by*
Edna Sweetlove
(his biographer)
The doorbell rang. My beautiful seventeen-year old Thai mail-order bride went to answer it at my command. I was not a little irritated as she was two-thirds way though one of her better blowjobs at the time.
I heard low voices and footsteps in the hallway, so I reluctantly zipped my large but perfectly proportioned willy back into my elegantly cut linen trousers. The door to my magnificent living room opened and revealed the marginally imposing figure of Detective Chief Superintendent Robert Sole (universally known as R. Sole of The Yard).
'Robert!', I said cordially, 'I am so very glad to see you, my dear. What in the name of holy fucking cocksucking Jesus Christ brings you to my humble abode, the magnificent Snoggo Manor?'
I motioned him to a seat and poured him a glass of Bollinger Special Reserve '74, without bothering to question whether he would wish one. A senior detective would never say 'no' to a top class glass of bubbly. Sole took a hefty slurp and farted importantly.
'Well, SNOGGO,' he said, 'what I'm going to tell you is completely confidential. It's fucking top secret. You must tell no one, not even your closest, your nearest and dearest, not even the delicious Mrs SNOGGO, your newly acquired seventeen-year old mail order bride, the one with the really cute arse.'
I nodded in acquiescence as I understood the seriousness of the situation: it could easily be a couple of hours or more before my beloved Asiatic hornbag bride would be able to complete her interrupted blowjob. I called out to her to stop listening at the door and get going with a couple of dozen oysters to keep me good and horny for her later.
'Over the past six months or so, there's been a mysterious series of ghastly killings. We've been finding bodies ripped apart, their guts chewed up, their throats slit, their limbs nibbled into mulch, their remains seriously mashed into shit, their corpses mangled into fucking garbage, as though a mad pack of dogs had torn them into fucking smithereens,' Sole explained.
'The killings start and then continue for a few nights, then they stop, then we have a few weeks' respite, then they start again, blood and guts and devastation for a few more nights, then nothing again. So far, there's been sixty-eight deaths. We've managed to keep it out of the press and off TV, but the bribery fund is running a bit low now.'
He paused as Mrs SNOGGO (my exquisite seventeen-year old Thai slut) brought in the oysters. 'I'll be delayed at least an hour,' I said to her. 'Go and practise your tongue work on a banana.'
'What sort of people are the victims? Any links between them? Any geographical pattern? How about racial or age links? Come on, you silly old cunt...' I questioned urgently.
'Well, O great SNOGGO, all the victims so far have been male. And all the killings have taken place between 12 midnight and five in the morning, and they've all been outside, in parks, commons, heaths, open spaces. No racial preferences: whites, blacks, brownies, chinkies, even jewboys. All age groups: the youngest was only sixteen and we've got the leftovers of a repellent corpse of some nasty old fart of at least ninety. There's been twelve on Hampstead Heath, eight on Clapham Common, four on Putney Towpath, seven on Tooting Bec and no less than thirty-seven on Wimbledon Common.'
My eyes narrowed as I realised the significance of D.C.S. Sole's information. Was he a total fucking Mongol not to have seen the link? Or did he never read the papers?
'Exactly when was the first killing? Were the victims' throats torn out? Were their hearts ripped out too? Were there any signs of hideous bestiality? Were their anuses abused?'
Detective Chief Superintendent R. Sole of the Yard checked in his notebook for the exact dates. 'March 12th was the first killing, that's just over five months ago. Bugger me, SNOGGO, how did you know about the throats and hearts, and the anal abuse too? You are so fucking clever! Jesus wept, I grovel at the shrine of your fucking staggering intellect.'
'Elementary my dear R. Sole,' I declared. 'If you remember, the Cirque de Transylvanie made its long-awaited debut here in London approximately six months ago and departed after a most unsavoury scandal involving the alleged cruelty by the circus-owner to his pack of performing Romanian wolves. The date of the circus's departure was, if I recall offhand, the 10th of March, just two days before your first murder!'
Robert Sole farted in horror.
'All the locations you have mentioned are notorious homosexual cruising grounds. The victims are all males. Gay males. Bum boys. Pillow-biters. The solution is obvious,' I shrieked to the utterly dim detective. 'We are facing the marauding of some mad gay murderous werewolves! From my own study of these vile lupine faggots, I know they always hunt in pairs and the evil motherfuckers usually have bestial sex after each killing.'
Detective Chief Superintendent Robert Sole ("R. Sole of the Yard") gawped. A problem he and his senior colleagues had faced for so many months had been solved in a fucking moment by the immense reasoning power and searing logic of the great SNOGGO's staggering intellect.
Suddenly, SNOGGO had another brainwave! I rushed (slightly drunkenly, having guzzled down five bottles of champagne in the past two hours) to my Queen Anne desk and checked in my leather-bound diary: yes, tonight was a full moon! Yes, sunset was ten minutes ago! Yes, the moon would rise in another ten minutes! Yes, I could do with a good shit!
'Werewolves are notoriously telepathic,' I told R. Sole of the Yard, 'they may well have realised you would wish to consult me, the great and wonderful SNOGGO, the world's greatest expert on virtually everything and especially gay Transylvanian homo-werewolves. It is more than likely you have been followed by that Hellish pair of brutes.'
Robert Sole gawped again, only now realising what a thick piece of hog shit he really was. Oh fucking Christ, how dull he was in comparison with the wonderful fucking SNOGGO.
We peered anxiously out of the elegant bay windows of Snoggo Manor at the dark depths of Greenwich Park outside. Even as we stared out, a fearsome roar rent the air.
'Werewolf,' I cried. 'Look!' And we saw a glint of fierce yellow eyes in the moonlight, yellow eyes staring malevolently. And we could see both of the hideous beasts were wearing lipstick and full make-up. And the less butch of the two had a pink vicuna muffler on to keep himself warm.
'Only a silver bullet can kill a werewolf, even a lupine pillow-biting one,' I cried knowledgeably, crossing over to my William IV dresser where I kept my solid silver revolver and my regular supply of silver bullets, maintained for just such an emergency as this.
Armed against the ghastly problem facing me, and with D.C.S. Sole trembling manfully at my side, I rushed up to the top floor of Snoggo Manor to gain access to the balcony of my fabulous residence with its wonderful vista over the park.
After a few moments' vigilance, I fired two rapid shots with incredible sharpshooting accuracy. Two unearthly but quite camp shrieks rent our ears as the evil werewolvish creatures from Hell went back to their ghastly dark void of anal-probing death.
'I think you'll find that will have solved your problem, Detective Chief Superintendent,' I said in my best friendly fashion. 'And now, I should much appreciate it if you would fuck off, as you interrupted the blowjob my lady wife, the lovely slit-eyed Mrs SNOGGO, was giving me.'
It took less than two extra minutes to agree a just recompense for my advice and assistance in this daunting case, which had challenged the entire criminal investigation department of the mighty metropolis: £50,000 cash tax-free PLUS unlimited shagging of all female parking meter attendants for a month, with or without their agreement or foreknowledge.
And my ever-loving seventeen-year old mail order bride was licking her lips in anticipation of finishing the tragically suspended gobbling. God bless her brown little ass.
THE END
Edna says: keep an eye out for more!
Author notes
If you'd like to read SNOGGO's previous sexually stimulating adventure, please try allpoetry.com/story/1481758 or go to story #7 at allpoetry.com/poem/1426235 .
Things that go BUMP in the night!
SNOGGO makes a guest appearance at Edna's Christmas Party as well: allpoetry.com/poem/1651379 ....
Written on 8th September, 2005.
In a list
A contest entry
- A Melodramatic Shame by Xakward--silenceX.
700 points, ended March 12, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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I found this rather funny, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but it was definetally well written. Good job and thank-you for entering. I wish you well when I judge.
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Glad I got to meet the mail order bride. This has been an enjoyable read in. Thanks again and will be back!
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hahahahha!... that was bloody hillarious!!!.... more ha hahahahah!... good job man!
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Dear L.L.: thank you for your applause; I am a bit bemused by your phrase "cussing and stuff". What is there to agree/disagree withy? And what is "cussing and stuff" ??
But best wishes. -
Although I don't agree with all the cussing and stuff it is a good story. Very hilarious! Interestingly told and very creative. Great write!
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Quite.
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You commented favourably recently on a SNOGGO story! Why not join the group "Fans of SNOGGO" and be kept up to date with all the latest SNOGGO news?
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You just did.
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How cuntingly outstandingly good.
I shan't comment more because I am slightly high, and I fear I should embarass myself.
Huzzah for SNOGGO. -
wonderful, I had read this before but it was nice to meet the fantastic snoggo again.
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Dear Philogos: You seem to like SNOGGO and I have been ordered to invite you to join the "FANS OF SNOGGO" group. Membership will allow you to suggest new adventures to him and you may well get access to his new website and personal fans' email address if you are good.
Edited on Dec 10, 7:12 p.m. because ''. -
Dear Keith
Thank you for your kind comment. SNOGGO and I are touched and SNOGGO wants you to join the new and exciting GROUP, "Fans of SNOGGO". This will allow you to suggest new adventures for SNOGGO and you will be invited to all of SNOGGO's parties (see www.allpoetry.com/poem/1651379 as you sadly missed my Christmas Party). -
Yeh, er, well, I dinnae really like reading much as I'm illegitimate (oh bugger, I mean I canny read write, right?), but this lupine tail had me gripped by the knackers from the opening sentence. These gay werewolves need a few years in the army, it's the only language the buggers understand. Snoggo's the wee boy, isn't he noo! A regular vanquisher of mythical breasts (oh shite, there goes my dyslexia again). Save a Thai bride for me, O great and mighty Snoggo.
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Oh dear, SNOGGO is worried you do not trust him. But if you need reassurance that he always tells the truth go to allpoetry.com/
poem/1176131 . -
I am not sure, Mr Snoogo, if you are being quite frank (and earrnest) in your retailing of this escapade. Certain of the details - for example, your prior knowledge of the exact date of the first slaying, lead me to think that there is more to this tale than you have been prepared to reveal. What hideous secrets are you concealing from your loyal followers? We have a right to know!
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If you don't like "reading" why are you here? Anyway, thanks for the compliment (as a non-reader!)
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Whoa! I'm Not All For Reading BUT This Really Got My Attention! *i give u props for that!
* *lol* Anywho This Was Awesome Work...It Was SOOO Funny!! 
I'm Not Much Of A Funny Book Reading Person *if that makes any sence* BUT Like I Said..This Got To Me!!! Good Luck In Your Contest!!! -Rachel
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this was hillarious, and extremely well written. i am still giddy, you layed it out so perfectly and reinforced points at the exact time just to refresh the smile, i usually quote my favorite part but there were just too many, job very well done !!! thanxs for sharing it
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Well that was deff. a wonderfull piece of slutty writing! he he! Nice way of mocking the world in a sense! Bravo! I enjoyed it !
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Well this is not something I'm used to reading
But yu have quite an imagination there becuz normally we don't think of any such hilarity in the supernatural.
Keep it up -
Glorious
Awe inspiring hilarity, fuckin right! -
Reading this at work and trying not to laugh out loud - a tough challenge! Very comedic, well done.
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I don't know what it says about me that I keep clicking to see what you've written if it appears.. but well, here I am again.
Thank you for the good laugh.
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I loved SNOGGO and his cute Thai slut. ROFLMAO. This was hysterical and written so well. The language and everything fit - refreshing to see this subject being written about and not having the angst and goth-like adoration for it. You are a great writer - now how about expanding how that lovely little slut practices her tongue work on a banana!!!! Bends over laughing.
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Hilariously Written
I find this quite hilarious and love the detail you put into it. It shows that you have a very creative mind and certainly put it to good use. At some points I got lost but then you would add a quip or so and I would get back on track again. I loved it and canno wait to read more so hurry and write!
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not wrong as in incorrect but wrong as in twisted and strange, its a good thing though.thnaks i will read the rest in the right order.
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Dear Lady Midnight
I am pleased you like SNOGGO. To appreciate the growth of the character you should start with the 1st SNOGGO story, SNOGGO's Space Journey which is poem # 1176131, then SNOGGO and the Slavering Beat (#1180980). They are signposted from then onwards.
I am intrigued when you said the story was "wrong". Incorrect in what sense? -
that was so funny,wrong and disturbing but hillarious!
this is the first SNOGGO story i have read,and now i have to read the rest.
great job -
Good Read
I didn't think there were very many people who had a sense of humor about paranormal activities. It is very refreshing. There are a lot of teen goths obsessed with vampires, and emo kids with blood splatter on roses, and slitting their hormonally-challenged wrists,throats or what ever body part gives more blood loss, it doesn't matter to them, as long as it bleeds, with a love letter from an ex. -
good stuff
thai mail order bride, that's great.... loved it man, pretty crazy stuff -
Thanks! To say there is an "interest in the supernatural on AP" is a vast understatement. There's a raging obsession about bloody stupid vampires, bloody faeries (spelled like that!) and blood and gore among the goth teenies and not-so-teenies-anymore. So this and SNOGGO's other encounter with the supernatural (see SNOGGO in Transylvania allpoetry.com/poem/1399630) are piss-takes, I suppose.
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Likely this wouldn't have worked without the crude humor, so it's best off left in. Some Aussie once said that dying is easy, it's humor that's hard. And had he realized he was on the bottom of the earth, he would likely be just as dead, but quite a bit funnier hanging toes up. One can only imagine. Over all this has nice timing and read speed. Did a write on witches and vampires recently. Found there is a real interest in the supernatural here on AP. So admittedly you have a real grasp on the target audience. In any event this made for a pleasant diversion and a delightfully sinister spin on the Hound of the Baskervilles.
Peace,
~RJ~ -
SOOOO FUNNY! I was absoloutly surprised! I enjoyed reading it. LOL GOOD JOB!
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I see this writing all over the place....um edna.....you do have flare...must say that.....dont agree with all your idealoligy....but love how you put it to form....laughable and with off humor....I am also very opinionated....but you have much better form for expressing these things then I have...LOL...love it...and a few others you have put to parchment...
Malabu -
I love your take on the Scotland Yard! The profanity mixed with the clipped ever so proper British vernacular was ex-fucking-squizit.
R. Sole of the Yard is written to perfection, I love his punctual farts.
I'm most intrigued by your seventeen year old mail order bride.
I imagine her somewhat like the impish assasin from Kill Bill One, my hero Go Go Yubari.
If you keep expanding this story, as you hint at the very end of SNOGGO and the werewolves from Hell, please please please expand on her character in as shockingly table turning fashion as you do with your other characters! I'd be indebted for ever!
I don't know where you get your twisted inspiration from but i counted nods of hilarity to:
Sherlock Holmes and a bevy of dirty jokes about lemonentry and dear watson and all that.
Werewolf in London, a general tone of pulp fiction and a little bit of Sam Spade ala Monty Python.
The most disturbing if not entertaining thing I've read yet.
Bravo Sweetlove! -
fabulously funny
It amazes me how you think so creatively. This is bloody hillhairyarse! I'm still laughing outloud. Your style is so easy to read as it flows from one thought to another in a musical language that is so smooth to hear. Your play on words, your appropriate "bunnies" all add to the magic. I enjoyed it.
Edited on Sep 13, 8:18 because 'typo'. -
LOL!!! wow... that was so ridiculously funny and messed up LOL! heh... man. well at least you picked a fantasy topic i'll consider it but shhhhhh
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It's detailed critiques like that which give you encouragement. God bless your little cotton socks.
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good story... i liked it
keep on writing -
You definately need help but not with your writing. The twisted tale is told as only a twisted mind could tell it. I found it riotously funny and entertaining. Best of luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long -
lol, you fucking idiot. no offence.
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You said it, not me.
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So sorry, too long for my tiny brain.
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Brilliant.,Gay Hysteria
Gay little write and as Sole trembled manfully beside you,Snoggo went into full fight.Siver bullets,Queen Anne Desk and bubbly of the very best.Codpiece must be a real twit to miss all clues as Snoggo never left his humble abode and lo and behold the mystery is solved.The reward of free shagging far surpasses any cash reward. -
nice job
keep the ink flowin'...
<3
Lindzii -
Another well crafted piece -Al
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