(I)
I've lost the joy that used to meet your smile,
And found without its light my life now feels
That I have squandered love; It takes a while
Before faith's misconception hurts as real.
In emptiness your voice leaves sounds untouched:
The tones and melodies of brighter days.
If I had only known I loved you this much,
I'd not have lost the sun for darker ways.
What secrets lie beneath an absent voice,
That fear would bar your music soft from me?
I can not bear this hurt, but have no choice:
The dream I dared not dream means such to me.
I can not see nor hear that which I know,
and blinded thus, I can not let love go.
(II)
But awed by life's illusion, truth takes hold
The key, to one or other's happiness;
And wearied by neglect my dreams cry Hold!
Sweet memories fade to bitter loneliness.
Your love was born of better love than me,
Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear
That died amidst the joy you taught to me,
And the hopelessness I bear when you're not here.
This vista's mirror mars my shattered dreams,
Sad bleeding figments spread and fester full,
With words that glisten stripped of hope; it seems
That promises mean little after all.
Though life was pled these lessons through long years:
Your dreams compel me further than my fears.
(III)
And where the tide may lead, though reasons grasp,
They yield the course to delve where hopes take hold,
To draw still further from a heart's worn clasp,
A Dream of Love that life has seldom told.
It bodes me ill to think; I sleep therefor,
And sing your silent song -- fill deep my mind;
As depths beget closed eyes, I love you more,
Bereft of hope, my chances long behind.
Betrayals task and task... Oh cry, repent!
At inquisition's trial -- my soul bares all.
To questions posed: A whole life fairer spent
That love should ebb and drown its tragic call.
What love has found our love an imperfection,
Has left me, lost adrift in your direction.
(IV)
Such timeless severances, though high the price
That calmest anguish (loneliness) endears,
Keep firm advances raised in old device,
While silence weeps and pays with cries and tears.
Like breath that long submerged, refused the air,
Or wings, denied the wind whereon to fly,
Such love, self justified, though seldom there:
So longer life could live that longed to die.
I can not see nor hear that which I know,
Though life was pled these lessons through long years,
And blinded thus, I'll never let dreams go,
For dreams compel me further than my fears.
These eyes struck blind by love have found true sight:
One life's existence makes the other's right.
Author notes
4-Shakespearean Sonnet Cycle
4th sonnet added on November 21 2005
Written September 7th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
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this is great. I like how you wrote a form poem. I admire poets who can because I cannot do it to save my life.
Thanks so much for entering and sharing this write. good luck!!
~*~Austyn~*~ -
this flows very well and the meter and rhythm are so beautiful at first i dreaded the fact that it was so long but after reading it i know that it had to be that long and its a beautiful sonnet...the words are beautiful awesome job
good luck in the contest
thank you for entering
nyx -
wow, this is amazinlgy well written adn it hold so much emotion and feeling, I loved it! good luck!
~Brooke -
These are really lovely verses. Well structured and meaningful. It's the kind of poetry that makes me sad because it means something to the person whom writes it, you can tell. All the best and keep writing!!!
x Stef x -
Dear David, now the Shakesperian Sonnets I recognize, these are magnificent, so many beautiful words you have written in them, they are so full of love and leave me breathless.
Hugs Joan
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Wow, this is beautiful! Everything, the words the meaning the picture! I am jeaslous! Marvlous writting!
love<3 -
Great
This shows such great writing skills. It isn't a easy style to write in. You did very well in this poem. Do you have any more poetry like this? But anyway GREAT JOB!!! -
quite nicely done. i like how #4 brings everything together and wraps it with hope. the repetition of key phrases is effective and not over-done. a very enjoyable read!
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This is very beautiful. Sonnets are not easy to write technically well and keep the thoughts poetic. You did both. I seem to live within my dreams these days and it's all I want to write about so this one touched me. Nice job!
~Lyrical
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Cherry2788: That is probably the best compliment anyone can pay to a poem. Considering the length of this one, I am flattered if the reader reads the entire thing at all.
I only added the 4th sonnet recently. I think the poem felt depressing and hopeless without it.
If you could identify at which point in the poem you felt most affected by it, I would appreciate that alot. It would be very helpful. -
A true victory!
Gasp! I am so in awe! Good write! It sang unto my soul and then swept my heart away with it. Your writing is wings in flight.. a wonderous and awesome thing to behold. -
Your poem brought tears to my eyes. very good.
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amazing
amazing!! it is so beautiful and is reaching out to so many people amazing. i hope to see more from u in the future! FANSATIC!!!
Hoffy -
Superb
WOWWWWWW this is so beautiful and touching,I so enjoyed this write. I so hope to read more from you and thank you for sharing this write with my family and I. Keep up the awesome job you do. -
AWESOME
Good job i think your poem is great. very forward but amazing how you use your words. -
this is very ture and I think that this is very helping to others this is a very good pice
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great
AWSOME WRITE... mine and yoyr writing style has a lot in common you should check out some of mine and see what you think...ill be sure to check out more of yours cause this is the shit...i hope the rest of yours are just good as this one...
derek -
It is really a beautiful write revealing a the great strength of the poet's capacity and his strongness of the express.The thoughts are alothough very sad and very deeply stating the pain of the heart through and through. The description in details is the real achivement of this write which has come up very strongly with its appropriate feelings and approariate senements too. The beauty of this write lies in its strucure which have been followed a pre determined structure . The flow of the write is very impresssive and just to the point too. I must say it is really a serious and great effort..prabhudayal khattar
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SPEECHLESS
~*~WOW~*~
This is like wow.... I'm in awe. I don't know what to say! This is full of skill, you are a great poet!
~noir ~
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This is a very nicely-written poem and you are truly a good writer. Keep up the good work, and thanks very much for s haring this!
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Exquisite!
Magnificent! This was an enchantingly beautiful masterpiece!
Your words soothed the soul as each syllable was digested
in mouthwatering delight. The images were fairytale like yet
very enlightening. I loved so many lines in this poem but one
in particular caught my eye, "Though life was pled these lessons through long years: Your dreams compel me further than my fears. WOW!!! That really blew me away! This is a work to be
very proud of. Excellent! Exquisite! Bravo! Encore!
Edited on Nov 22, 4:31 p.m. because ''. -
superb
Exelently put across, I realy liked the flow of it. It was as the raging river yet at the same time a gentle stream. Very nice job holding your flow with this one. -
ashes of freak: Edgar Allan Poe said that the most powerful and poetic of all human emotions is sadness. Even when we are at our moments of greatest happiness or humour we are moved to tears.
I think his point was...... write something sad.
Thank you for your comments. I have other depressing poems if you are interested. try : allpoetry.com/Poem/1640861
Cheers! -
very long-but if you think about it LOVE is a very long thing to deal with. Good job and nice emotion as well.- Trista
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Wonderful
Woa this is incredible work...nicely done...this poem is sad but very nice job showing that saddness ... this poem is sorrta depressing also but I love those kinds...they are awesome but this is about the best one I have read so far and that out of 13 depressing poems...well keep this up...great work...Emily -
wow...simply amazing. This poem was masterfully written, and I give you many many props. It is incredibely expressive...it describes the most complex of emotions, and it is seamless. Impecable rhyme and meter, my friend. You are amazing.
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Extremely well thought out and written poem! The sadness felt in this poem is overwhelming. You did an outstanding job on this congats. and good luck in the contest.
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speechless, just outstanding, i trully felt the emotion you put into this, thanx for that
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i LOVED this...it was so beautiful...the set-up is very nice...it fits well...i love your concept and emotion, the feeling made the piece even more beautiful...keep writing, this is great! xo kitten
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What a most awesome sharing this is! Wow! I am left speechless with the utter talent that is displayed in this! Good gracious me! Wow! Bravo and kudos! Thank you for entering the contest!!! Wow
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speechless... left a very good impression on me. Keep it up, u got skillz/talent
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Awesome
I loved it ! Storm -
Beautiful words, well written!! Strong emotions can be felt here through a powerful choice of words!! I enjoyed this!! Thank you! Keep up the marvelous work!!
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that was awsome.... im in this kind of situation.... its an awsome write......keep it up... i hope to see more
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Geez this is good! You did an amazing job with this piece! I really enjoyed reading it -Pasion
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outstanding and very moving piece of work, most excellent
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This piece definetly took some time and effort... magnificently done...Keep up the beautiful work!
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Sad but lovely. Sonnets are a form I myself haven't mastered, but I have to admire those who have, and as far as I'm concerned, I think you did a lovely job (but you know from prior examples that I like your work
). Best of luck in the contest!
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Holly: not all my sonnets are quite this depressing. "Fair Autumn's Kiss" is kindof the uplifting conclusion to this poem. allpoetry.com/
Poem/1531098 -
Excellent
there is some very vivd imagery here, and the writing has a haunting quality that makes me feel empty almost, and drags me into the world of the narrator. (the emptiness is mearly a comment on the effectiveness of the poem) The style is also very well done, I liked how each sonnet complimented the next one. The end ties it all together. -
Kudos! Excellent work... Brava!!
Kudos!! This vibrates with imagery the music in the words become haunting! Excellent imagery magical tones... "It bodes me ill to think; I sleep therefor,
And sing your silent song -- fill deep my mind;" Truly magnificent memorable lines Brilliant!! Wishing you much success in all of your endeavors!!
-
great
wow great write i completely understand how u feel -
THis was a great pice of work!! keep up all the good writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
thank you for your comments. The deviations from iambic pentameter are (as you probably guessed) all intentional.
I would be happy to explain any metaphor which you can't make sense of. Many of them of intended to mean 2 or 3 literal things at the same time are a bit vague. Therefore you will not be able to pinpoint with absolute certainty what some of the metaphors mean.
I wanted to create a poem which works on 3 levels.
The plain prose level: (this poem contains enough plain english that even a child can understand what gist is).
The level of imagery: someone drifting at sea blinded without navigation. perhaps clinging desperately to some driftwood. contemplating simply letting go and allowing themself to drown"
deep metaphor: this poem contains descriptions of a relationship and explains
how it failed: the speaker did not express his unconditional love for the 2nd person.
why it failed: the speaker was afraid of unconditional love.
repentence : the speaker is apoligizing for being afraid and apoligizing for the course of action he will now pursue.
accusation : the speaker is insinuating that it is not his fault alone and the 2nd person is responsible as well.
resolution : the speaker now understand that he was in fact always unconditionally in love with the 2nd person and although the relationship is finished will cling to that dream of love forever notwithstanding that he is lost and will die clinging to it rather than forget. (TIME is a condition afterall. unconditional love is irrevocable love).
-
Well, well. Actual sonnets! From a technical stand-point this is just about perfect. A couple of lines are off on meter. In particular: "If I had only known I loved you this much" and "And the hopelessness I bear when you're not here." These both have eleven syllables where the accent works better stressed on the eleventh syllable. Your last two lines are perfect examples of where eleven syllables is acceptable in iambic pentameter (the feminine ending).
These are some excellent sonnets. Some of the metaphors are lost on me, but that could be attributed to a shallow analysis on my part (even though I have read it a few times).
One of my favorite lines: "To questions posed: A whole life fairer spent".
Despite the sadness of the poem, the fact that you have created three sonnets just makes my day.
Edited on Nov 04, 11:59 because 'Spelling'. -
Ow, that's so sad. You put so much emotion into this. It's a wondrous job well done.
Lynn
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I appreciate your comments. This poem is very personal to me.
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BRAVO! BRAVO! Magnificent piece of work! The feelings you conveyed here is simply the work of a master. You are a true poet. Let those emotions continue to flow through your pen as you write upon the silk paper that draw such beautiful pictures in the minds of your readers. Exceptional work done here, Congratulations! I applaud you! ~val~
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Beautiful write good luck in the contest
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Absolutely, beautiful..Written so well...Good luck in the contest..
God bless,
Betty -
Bowled over!
I have never before read three sonnets following each other with such structure and theme. I am truly delighted and bowled over! The way they held together, and the final couplet were awe inspiring. -
I have been longing to learn how to write a sonnet. I never went to school to learn how to write poetry .. I just write. I don't really know what to say .. but I clicked and I read and it was lovely but as to critiquing the sonnet itself, I wish I could but I can't . ..
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though i did not immediately catch the water imagery - that is ok. These poems swell with beauty, are fluid and work wonderfully with each other. You have rhymed quite nicely and - the work is just wnderful, and very strong. Excellent work, no doubt....no doubt.
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WOW!! Now that is what I call poetry,Absolutely beautiful.I have read it through twice now and feel that I am sharing a very deep sense of loss with you. Thankyou for sharing those emotions with me, I would not critisise what I myself can't achieve. God Luck in the contest
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My words will not do this poem justice .I just want to say it is a xception write a great read and i really liked it .The second verse was my favourite
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a sonnet mired in love
To write a sonnet is a challenge, to write a good sonnet is
an inspiration, you have written here three, and a last couplet
with a flow that perhaps needs some tweaking, but with that said
, it had a lovely classical feel to it and seemed to take the reader in deeper as the subject of love and passion of love
and loss then a slave to it; each sonnet had its own imagery, as it had beautiful
lines of prose, , I didn't quite like the last couplet it seemed
not of the same language , but I feel like reading it again and then some , to experience it deeper, that said , is much said
made it worth the while , -
This is one of the better sonnets ive read, and thats saying something considering sonnets are my favorite poem set up ( even tho ive never had the ear for iambic pentameter ) The words you used really up'ed the ante on this one. The imagery was quite clear and well written. I usually dont see many sonnets written with more than one set but this one kept true to the form. the last two line of each set really did sum up the lines preceeding them. so in conclusion i think u did fine on the hinting of the ocean, and the third set was not disconnected. you diserve this applause
-
CU CU CA CHOO
THIS IS AN AWESOME POEM!!!!!!!! i love sonnets, but i guess that just my personal opinion...... but back to the poem, you not only had an awesome theme/topic thingy, but a WICKED flow and rhyme scheme!!! this has to be the best poem i've read all day, maybe in the past several months on here. i think you did very well. great emotions and great expression. i wish you the best of luck in the contest! anywho, awesome write, so keep writing, and have yourself a very nice day!
-
I don't think I know how to read sonnets very well. It was kind of confusing for me. But what I did see out of it, was this real sadness. That you loved and didn't see how much, till it was already gone? Is that what you're saying here? But either way, it was pretty to read by itself anyways, and I hope things are going better for you.
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munda: I wanted you to stumble in your reading, as the speaker would stumble in his saying it. As if making a sudden realization of the truth.
A theme which is expanded on later in the poem.
I also wanted to use something which contains memories of the ultimate empty line of affection "I love you so much".
Every person who falls in love is COMPELLED to at least think that line (perhaps every day!). And I wanted to compell the reader to remember doing that.
And to hell with all the critiques who say I'm not allowed to do that in a sonnet.
-
This is pretty awesome. I know how hard it is to write more than one sonnet and keep the theme from beginning to end. Unfortunately I didn't read the first draft, so I cannot say whether this version is better or not. As much as I enjoyed reading these sonnets, it does sound forced here and there, but I'm sure you can turn this into perfection after a little more work. For example in line 7 of your first sonnet you use an extra syllable that takes away the perfect flow and makes me stumble in reading. Since line 7 & 8 cannot go without each other, I shall use both:
"If I had only known I loved you this much,
I'd not have lost the sun for darker ways."
How about:
If only I had known I'd love this much,
I'd not have lost the sun for darker ways.
Or:
If only I had known I'd love so much,
Would I have lost the sun for darker ways?
But of course this is only my personal opinion and trust me, I know how much work you've put into these sonnets and applaud you for it.
-
I must clear something up by "mapped-out" I did not mean predictable. I simply meant that through reading it, it appears as if you are trying too hard and should just let it flow more naturally. I must say though that I like the latest revisions and they help a great deal. The only change I didn't like was "dark begts" to "depths beget". i remember reading that line originally thinking, "wow that is a cool line". now it seems to clang in my mind for some reason. All of the other changes were excellent though. I did not find this piece a straight narrow path at all. I did not know where you were going with it until I finished it so that was definately a good thing. Also I think the transitions from sonnet to sonnet are very well done and you need not worry about that at all. Anyway, this is a great write and now that I understand better why you are putting to so much work in to this I feel better about the piece...lol. That probably makes no sense to you but I find myself more of a random abstract person and really technical stuff sometimes bores me. That is not the case here and I appreciate the hard work you put into it. it makes it that much more fun to read. I can't wait to see a finished project. Keep up the great work!
-Dan -
I'm definitely going to have to read the other sonnets. From reading your comments, it's clear you have put immense thought into it. Upon first reading it struck me that it is reminiscent of old works, use of vocab from another era. I enjoyed the ebb and flow of this piece.
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grannyeri: do you actually READ the poem or do you just post trite remarks to leech points from commenting? there are three sonnets here not 2. And you posted almost the EXACT same comment about this poem 2 days ago.
2 days ago:
"Have never written a sonnet since I was in school - eons ago, but I am sure it must take some talent to write like this. A bit of time too, I'd say. How long did it take you two write this? Did you change it a few times before it came out like this. Don't think I could do it. Well written. "
today:
"Wish you well iin the contest. Sonnets are not the easiest poem to write, and you have taken some time to crete these two wonderful ones. Well done. "
If you aren't going to actually read the poetry, why don't you just ask me to GIVE you points? It would actually cost me less and I wouldn't need to wade through as many pointless comments.
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This tops as the best poem I have read on AP. I used to make huge leaps of assumptions and think a poem reflected the character of a man- I no longer do that. But I will congradulate you on writing an excellent poem. It sure sounds heartfelt!
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Wish you well iin the contest. Sonnets are not the easiest poem to write, and you have taken some time to crete these two wonderful ones. Well done.
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Your heart may understand exactly what it means.
That doesn't mean anyone else will understand. It certainly doesn't mean anyone else will care. poetry is crafting what the heart means, into a linguistic form that is accessible by other seperate human beings, and will bring them pleasure in so accessing.
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This part really was beautiful *I've lost the joy that used to meet your smile,
And found without its light my life now feels
That I have squandered love; It takes a while
Before faith's misconception hurts as real.
In emptiness your voice leaves sounds untouched;
The tones and melodies of brighter days.
If I had only known I loved you this much,
I'd not have lost the sun for darker ways.
Where secrets lie beneath an absent voice,
For fear which barred your music soft from me,
I can not bear this hurt, but have no choice;
The dream I dared not dream means such to me.
I can not see nor hear that which I know,
But blinded thus, I can not let love go.* I loved the flow and the heart wrenching story it told. You did an awesome job with this poem. I really liked the flow and the sonnet was beautiful.. Excellent write hon. Hope you do well in the contest and great job on this again.....
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This poem amazes me, probably because of some current events more than anyhting. You are an amazing writer. I did get caught thinking that you needed a better transition form the second to the third although I very much enjoyed the third the best. Love is an amazing emotion that can cause anyone to believe almost anything. I truly felt for this poem. Thank you.
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awesome
i love instantanious versions best words means little if the heart does not know what it means
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I am glad I returned as the back and forth between yourself and Yossarian was fascinating. It seems the two of you have analyzed this piece fully.
I can not add more than I had in my original comment and I hate to simply repeat my praise. I do see the editing and feel it worked well. -
I'm trying to hit a balance. If there is too much hope, then the love is not unconditional, it is merely hopeful. There has to be a glimmer of hope as true love creates its own hope, but there should be no reasonable hope. I think the amount of hope should be literally to use a term from Lord of the Rings :'a fools hope'.
unconditional love only shows its self when there is no rational justification for a course of action. But this is easy to confuse with desperation. Someone who feels unconditional love, feels only love. No desperation. No fear. That is what I'm trying to write about. Someone who feels unconditional loves does not NEED hope. They epitomize it.
In various revisions of this poem I see the amount of hope being created from a LOT (the speaker is practically overflowing with hope) to absolutely none (the speaker is not drifting he is killing himself and taking his love with himself to the grave.)
I am trying to hit on that balance which I believe is most noble and most beautiful.
-
from a constructive critism pov, the first and last sonnet stanzas caught me up more than the second but from a regular pov i will admit that the emotions felt are sad and indeed very deep but at the same time it gave off the small hint of hope in the tenth through thirty-first linces(second and third sonnet stanzas)and also this felt very personal to you if im not mistaken. anyways i wish u good luck and keep up the fine work
Rae -
crystaldust 09-09-05 21:55
Good heavens, gentlemen, I got completely caught up in your fascinating (and instructive) exchanged that I nearly lost sight of the subject matter. May I assume that the sonnets now posted are the revised version? They are very good, I find, and I'm quite sure Yossarian (where are you, by the way? haven't heard from you for ages) wouldn't have spent time and energy over them had he not thought so too. Having only just got back on site after nearly six weeks of moving and disruption, I can't right now comment in detail. Too tired, too old, not thinking clearly enough tonight. Shall return if you'd like me to. Davidz: did you see that I re-worked The Knight and the Witch as three sonnets, as you suggested? It was fun to do. If you've time and interest maybe you'd like to look them over. Enough for now. Joy -
That very last line is magnificent! I love it! You did a terrific job on this entire sonnet! You are quite gifted and should be very proud of this piece! Very few people on this site can write this well!
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"mapped out" you mean predictable?
I'm revising constantly... so maybe the current version is better.
I am striving for "inevitable" rather than "predictable".
I want the reader to hit a line and say "YES! that is how is MUST BE." rather than "ohh.. I knew that was going to happen."
so the whole poem has been reworked,, with some single word changes introduced to use more metaphore and less literal words ('sun' instead of 'light'... also forshadowing a problem with navigation, but leaving no hint that is what it means) (sing instead of feel) (depths instead of night) (tide instead of course) (plus more) ... reintroduced some of the imagery of the ocean and sea which I took out from the original version. The final couplet now answers a question which was important but I previously took for granted. it finally reveals what the original relationship was between the speaker and 2nd person was).
I'm trying to create a feeling of revelation rather than re-iteration.
my fear with the current version and I would like some feedback.. is if the imagery changes too quickly from sonnet to sonnet. -
As I promised I came back and read the whole thing again. I must say that this truly is an amazing piece from a technical/structural standpoint. I understood the theme of the poem and what was being stated but found myself thinking that the poem was too "mapped out" if that makes sense, but thats just me. I love spontaneity. As I said though this is a really amazing work of art. I think people overthink their poems sometimes and other people over analyze another's poem. Just some caution for you. take it or leave. Thank you for sharing and keep up the fantastic writing!
-Dan -
I just wanted to say I thought this was beautiful. Its not really my place to say, but I feel like if you have a suggestion on a style or form that would improve another writers work thats a great thing, I feel like its completely negative to just pick it apart. It may not live up to someones
particular standards, but thats b/c they may not see it the same way the person who experienced it does, which doesn't make either way right or wrong just different. In this case I think the poem was beautiful and well expressed. Maybe because I'm somewhat illiterate to "poetry standards" I pay more attention to the MEANING and form and in my opinion this was put together very well and had tons of underlying meaning. I absolutely love it of course I don't claim to be a professional just someone who loves to write as a means of expressing feelings I can't convey in any other way. Everything I write comes from my heart and although I'm open to suggestions on improving I would hate for someone to tell me I expressed my feelings poorly, b/c I'm the only one who truly knows what those feelings are. No matter how you write anything someones always going to get something different from it when they read it. The only person who is truly right as far as the thought behind the poetry is concerned is the writer. So the point is I don't feel like anyone should try to reconstruct someones entire poem. That would change the meaning for the person who wrote it and would not get out what they felt needed to be expressed. I saw nothing wrong with the style and the feelings expressed were the feelings you chose to express. Theres nothing wrong with that. I always try to keep an open mind when reading someone elses work and I really hate to see that comment posted under something I find amazing. -
yossarian: You raised valid issues and the only remaining this was to determine if this particular poem is in fact flawed in the way you suggested.
looking at the poem carefully reveals a single overiding image:
the speaker crying himself/herself to sleep during the dark of
the night dreaming the dreams of his lost love's dream and
consigned to that fate forever.
In fact this entire poem is a monologue which the speaker carries on while falling asleep on a particular night.
the poem describes what the effects of events are on the speaker without stating them literally at all:
"In emptiness your voice leaves sounds untouched;
The tones and memories of brighter days.
If I had only [xxx],
I'd not have lost their light for darker ways. "
: your voice in real life. (the day)
used to include a gentler kinder tone. a more loving tone.
now I can only dream about that sound in the silence of my own mind while I sleep at night.
(darker ways)
"This vista's mirror mars my shattered dreams,
Sad bleeding figments spread and fester full"
:what the speaker NOW sees in his mind's eye, conflicts with
his prior erroneous and mistaken beliefs and proves his beliefs are wrong. this revelation is painful.
"With words that glisten stripped of hope; it seems
That promises mean something after all. "
the "words that glisten".. (you can guess what those words were... probably something like.... "it's not working anymore... its too hard.... I don't love you anymore.. etc etc"). but they were glistening words... sharp? polished?... wet with tears? (it's not you, it's me) let the reader decide.
the promises?? what were they? in fact the promise was "love me completely or you will lose me". but is this explicitly stated?
there was another promise as well. .. perhaps it was "I shall love you forever!" .. or another one? the speaker takes the position that they matter. it was a promise which the reader must discover by the fact that whatever it is, the facts presented in the poem must lead to that conclusion that the promise matters.
as you say " it's important what doesn’t get said too"
those "words and promises" are not said at all. And are left
as an exercise to the reader. perhaps I have failed in making this exercise worthwhile or enticing. but not for lack of trying.
"...though reasons grasp,
They lose their path to drive where hopes take hold,
And draw still further from my heart's worn clasp
Your dreams of love..."
: speaker fully understands (grasps) the ramifications of this choice. Instead he applies his mental powers to rationalize and justify (creating hope from sheer blind desperation.. something that can not be seen or heard) and pursuing the 2nd person's affection. i.e. pursuing a hopeless cause. (you must remember information from the first stanza 'blinded thus, I can not let love go".) also suggesting being town between 2 seperate choices, going in diverging directions.
"Betrayals task and task... Oh, cry repent!
At inquisition's trial -- My soul bares all!
To questions posed: My poor life fairer spent
If hopes would leap to drown their tragic fall. "
:this is almost pure imagery. There is no literal inquisition.
This is the speaker performing painful introspection
and lamenting past choices. torturing himself. realizing he would be better off simply abandoning hope and spending his life pursuing other things and not the 2nd person's affection, which is seemingly beyond all hope.
also using the word 'tragic' in its literary meaning. the protagonist decends into darkness, realizes the error of his ways, repents and then dies. which says something else which is not stated explicitly. what kind of 'hope' can be a 'tragic hope'?
it implies: "I was wrong, you were right, I know that know... now I die (perhaps from natural aging)."
there are all kinds of other double or triple innuendo's.
while some of the specific phrases in this particular poem are simple and direct, that was intentional. I set out to specifically use those beloved and hated phrases which have become liguistic cliche in modern english language and build on them into a deeper context. "I loved you so much!" "If I only knew!" "I can not let love go!" "I can not bear this hurt" "I have no choice". It was an attempt to expose the layperson to what should lie beneath those words.
"I can not bear this hurt" should mean nothing less than unbearable agony. (festering bleeding wounds)..
I have no choice should mean exactly that. -> adrift alone without power or means of propulsion.
"I can not let love go" should entail physical dire consequences. (this poem implies drowning and death)
bah I'm typing too much..
anyway thank you for your comments and I invite you to criticize any of my poetry you like. there is too much pointless hoorahs for pointless poetry around here which easily fools writers into
permitting themselves to be satisfied with inferior work.
regards
David -
Well, we shall bite, too, then.
I had pretty much gathered that much on the story (or, as you described it, "theme"), but that wasn’t what concerned me.
Lame was a bad word to use, and I apologize for that. I probably should have stuck with tepid, which more accurately describes what I feel about this piece. This is hardly lame, as "lame" indicates cliche. This piece is not cliche.
The tepidness lies, not so much in the theme (which is sufficient...I shouldn't have given it the lame label either...truly lame themes are hard to come by, and this isn't one), so much as it is in the implementation (just reiterating). My issue (the one that really came to mind as I read this) was that it could all be said in far fewer words (heartbreak has a way of being more effective when it stands in a more concise form...to me at least), and I felt you wasted a lot of text in the exposition of your story, and particularly because of the linguistic tone and style you chose. Heartbreak is easily long winded, and when in the form of three consecutive sonnets, that's a big danger, which is not to say yours was longwinded, but it did bore me on a different level. Now, do take all this with a grain of salt, for we two poets subscribe, no doubt, to very different schools of poetry, but I feel as if this sequence hasn't met it's full potential linguistically. The words just aren't up to par with the care you've put into the form and style. It's a treat to study, but not so much to read. I'm not suggesting you go all out and bring every metaphor and beautiful word you can pull into this, but I found that the simplicity of the language harmed the poem, and lost my interest in its deeper contexts.
That also falls under a more umbrella problem, and that is that this has no subtext. It's fairly simply stated what's happening to the narrator and his beloved. You present everything as is. The audience is uninterested in knowing, but very interested in not knowing. That's why Shakespeare was both a great dramatist AND a great poet. He knew when to hold his cards in terms of plot and theme. He didn't put everything on a nice platter and say "Macbeth is a fool", and spend thousands of words saying it. He used thousands of words, but painted the arch of his plays slowly. Ineffective drama is when the character says exactly how he feels and what he's going to do. Ineffective poetry is about the same. That’s why so-called "cutter" poetry is such utter crap: it says *everything*. Poetry is interrupted silence, and it's important what doesn’t get said too.
That's about all can give you on this. Take it as you will. I'm glad you replied to my comment rather than frothing at the mouth and screaming at me for critiquing your poetry, much like some of the philistines on this website.
Cheers,
Yossarian
Edited on Sep 08, 1:56 p.m. because ''. -
see the list this poem belongs to. It contains all my sonnets.
allpoetry.com/list/19649
I just decided to add a few sonnet like poems. which deviate from the form significantly enough that I will not be the first person to call them a sonnet.
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83%, A, 4.1/5, gudonyer!
Three sonnets in one, a strong flavour of rhyme and a good flow of ideas. There are here "the sessions of sweet silent thought." Gertrude Stein once said that "poetry is essentially the discovery, the love, the passion for the name of anything." There is something of what Stein says in your poem.("Gertrude Stein: Writings and Lectures: 1911-1945," Patricia Meyerowitz, editor, Peter Owen Ltd., London, p.138.(gudonyer-An Australian expression) -
Catching the essence of sonnet writing is a very hard task,but you've managed very well.Would love to read more of your sonnets if u have such.
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Hi David, a very nice collection of SS, I kiked these a lot, not an easy feat, all the best, possible my favorite form is SS, so important the flow, Hugs Di
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Yossarian: I'll bite. Can you please refer me to the non-lame implementation of my theme so that I can see how this would be done when it is done well?
the theme is. The speaker underestimated the merit the 2nd person's ideal of what love means (unconditional love). And as a result of that underestimation allowed their relationship to die notwithstanding that they both love one another and continue to do so. However in the meantime, having moved on the 2nd person has found herself with another 'love' who she holds to a lower standard than the perfect standard she held the speaker to. Having realized that the 2nd person's original notion of love was in fact perfect the speaker realizes that he has thrown love away because of fear (fear of unconditional love to be exact), and his punishment is to spend the rest of his life without that love he has finally adopted as true. The speaker faces that future willingly (unconditionally) notwithstanding that he knows objectively to do so condemns him to loneliness and at the best of times nothing more than dreaming about the 2nd person at night. because apart from sleeping dreams, he can not hear or see her love in 'real life'. In the end the speaker has gone beyond his means to move 1 way or another and drifts clinging only to "this dream of love" that he learned from the 2nd person.
I am looking forward to reading the non-lame implementation of that theme.
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I must beg your forgiveness. I am very tired and have something weighing heavily on my mind right now and so i am going to bed. I just wanted to let you know that I started reading this and i was enjoying it...it wasn't that it was not good, but my mind started to drift to the above mentioned topic. I was unable to finish reading this but I will write down your username, finish it later, and leave a better comment. Also i am going to applaud this now as a means of refunding some of the points I used up in clicking on this. Sorry to have wasted your time. Hope to read it again very soon.
-Dan -
hmmmm
to me the first and last stanzas caught me up in the words/lines of the write keep up the good work -
This is a marvelous technical sonnet. It flows wonderfully from verse to verse, stanza to stanza, etc...You keep a consistent theme throughout and it has a great feel for language. It evokes a style that seemed to die with the Elizabetheans. Wonderful job in that sense...this is very classical, but without resorting to archaicisms. You fool us into believing this is indeed a centuries old sonnet.
That being said, however, I find the content (as a whole) rather tepid. There's not much poetic meat to this, and, ultimately, that's far more important than technical perfection, which this almost certainly has. I feel like you got all the elements, then gave it a lame theme...or rather, a lame implementation of a theme. The images and emotion seem so stale...they've all been written before, by lesser poets.
That's my (minority) opinion though. But, to me, a sonnet should be something unique thematically and linguistically, not a retread of every sonnet before it. Don't be afraid to experiment. Don't be afraid to use your language to its breaking point. You've definitely got your chops, now it's time to move to the next level.
Cheers,
Yossarian
Edited on Sep 08, 1:24 because ''. -
scott: I didn't mean to say there is a trailing syllable in line 7. I was only referring to the trailing couplet.
But you are reading L7 exactly how I wanted you to read it.
"If I/ had on/ly known/ I loved/ you this much"
You may not like it, but it seems by your own scan that
the line reads how I intend it to read. So much for my craft. They only thing left is a disagreement on asthetic taste. hopefully that one line doesn't ruin the entire poem for you, but there it is. I like the jarring feeling that strikes right at those words ' I loved you '. I think it goes
well with 'if I had only known' and it emphasizes 'YOU'. (by stressing it). It sticks the line in the readers head and perhaps they will wonder... if he had only known?? then what? could it have gone differently? (YES)
its use of past tense also threatens the possibility that the speaker no longer loves the 2nd person as is elaborated in the couplet.
I think that line is how it must be.
I am a bit less sure about several of the other lines. But I'm happy with line 7.
If it helps to know I'm not just dismissing you, I think you can find in the comments of the original version of that sonnet "The Dream I Dared not Dream". evidence of me going back and forth on that very line.
one other reason for violating the meter in english sonnets, is to break the monotony. so sometimes it can be as simple as that.
(not in this case however)
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But which syllable is trailing? "If I/ had on/ly known/ I loved/ you this much"
I see the trailing syllables in the final couplet, but not in this line. I don't mean to be argumentative, but I just don't see it, and it sounds wrong when I read it aloud. The continued repetition of the possessive pronoun "your" makes the person every bit as specific as the pronoun "you" in the line.
By all means, leave it as it is, but know that it could be better. -
grannyeri: all three sonnets are derived from self standing sonnets I wrote over a few week period. The 3rd one heavily modified however as its base form used an aabbccddeeffgg rhyming scheme and full of metaphores of being adrift and stranded at sea. (see my poem Adrift)
All told... it must have taken at least 24 hours if not 48 to write this. (including the production of the self contained).
And yes... many revisions are involved. many unrevisions are also involved. (i.e. going backwards to earlier previously discarded text).
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Scott:what you say is generally true. 'YOU' in that line is very important to me. So that shall go down as either a poor choice on my part or not (but let it not go down as carelessness). In this poem the difference between 'loved you' and merely 'loved' is significant. Because it is intended to emphasize the identity of the 2nd person. This is not any generic love, but a very specific love applicable to a particular person and no other.
The poem goes on to talk about the 2nd person's dreams.
Anyway thank you for pointing it out. It was not a mistake, but deliberate. I do however make mistakes so appreciate when seeming mistakes are pointed out (whether or not they are mistakes).
engish language iambic pentameter may have an extra trailing unstressed syllable. It is still considered iambic pentameter.
My use was also not a mistake, nor is it intended to emphasize anything in particular because it is part of the standard form.
Edited on Sep 08 because ''. -
Have never written a sonnet since I was in school - eons ago, but I am sure it must take some talent to write like this. A bit of time too, I'd say. How long did it take you two write this? Did you change it a few times before it came out like this. Don't think I could do it. Well written.
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Then it was a conscious decision to abandon the iambic pentameter in only that line (and, of course, the penultimate couplet)? It seems like an odd place to deviate from the rhythmic structure and it really rings oddly. I would suggest that you reconsider. I am by no means an expert on the form, but I have had some experience with it, and when I read this aloud (which is the original design of the sonnet) the line does not really work well (IMHO).
I think that only very important words should run counter to the rhythm in a sonnet, and I don't think "you" qualifies in this case. -
line 7:
I decided to say 'LOVED YOU' stressing both syllables. You've got 4 other iambs if you want in that line.
one may want to ponder the poetic significance of stressing the word 'loved' or not.
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Nice work, here - difficult sequence. Of course, I have a preference for more natural sounding language (even in the sonnet form), but many people prefer this type of formality.
Line 7 of the first sonnet has eleven syllables and an imperfect iamb in the words "you this" - i suggest dropping the "you" - this seems to preserve the meaning and it saves the iamb.
Scott -
wonderfully written
great poem i can totally relate to the words and it meant alot to me kinda made me realise how she might be feeling even though she is the one who left me well ty for the read -
I cannot criticize this piece in any fashion, as it would undoubtedly reflect my lack of education. Although I have always considered myself to be fairly intelligent, I was amazed, but overwhelmed with the use of language. I must admit that I read your poem twice before I felt an ounce of understanding, but I thought it was beautiful and very well written. In my opinion, if there are a few gramatical errors (not that I would have pin pointed them), they gave your poem character. It also seems to have given others something semi-productive to do with their spare time. In any case, I loved this poem and I applaud you, not only on the time it must have taken to draft such an elegant piece, but on the content itself. Not an easy subject to write about, especially if using personal experience as inspiration.
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I'm not sure what you mean 'round into something set apart'.
Can you elaborate?
IMHO The couplets do build on one another, but not without knowing what each couplet individually means (requiring all the information in the associated sonnet). Are you suggesting that the couplets should be able to stand alone without their sonnet and form a seperate poem?
As to the building..
the first sonnet answers the question
: whats going on?
the 2nd:
: why?
the 3rd:
:where will the speaker go from here?
the speaker: can not let love go, because his muse's dreams compel him beyond his fear of loss and as a result he is left to drift, bereft of [hope and ] his own imperfect dreams in the direction she has sent him.
I would still like to know what you mean by 'set apart' in the statement 'round into something set apart'.
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