Aharr

AHARR

The rest of a skit about pirates

Scene opens where we left off last time in Arr... if you haven't read it, then ye be a scurvy dog and should read it. Now. Anyway, that fades out and fades back in with a brief shot of the crew of the Flying Douglas having really bad hangovers, which also fades out and comes back at the beginning of roll call the next day.

Cap'm: Matey!

Mate: Arr!

Cap'm: Right! We be mostly 'ere then!

Crew: Arr!

Cap'm: Now! Our mission today now that we're all reasonably free o' rum... Polly flies headfirst into a mast and plummets into a bucket of soapy water ...is to get revenge on them mast-munchin' bilge-belchin' deck-swabbin' horrendously-gigantic-keg-o'-rum-catapultin' sons o' landlubbers' parrots THAT BE THE TRADING SHIP CREW!

Crew: Arr! aggressively

Cap'm: When we get a hold o' the scurvy curs, we'll swab the decks with 'em!

Crew: ARR!

Cap'm: We'll kill every man jack of 'em!

Crew: ARR!

Cap'm: And if they try catapultin' large quantities of alcoholic beverages at us again, well, we'll throw it overboard!

Crew: Stunned silence. Cricket noise.

John: B-but sir... that's free rum!

Cap'm: more silence, no cricket. Ye have a point. Ahem... and if they try catapultin' large quantities of alcoholic beverages at us again, well, we'll drink it all like the last time!

Crew: Yay!

Cap'm: You there, Mr. Devious! Climb up into the crow's nest and tell us what ye see!

Devious: Aye, sir. deviously climbs the rigging

Matey: What do ye see?

Devious: Arr, tis crows, sir!

Matey: With the spyglass, ye dirty dog!

Devious: Arr, tis more crows, sir! They be blurry now! And they be muckin' up the spyglass!

Cap'm: YE BE USELESS! Come down and do it from the deck!

Devious: Aye, sir! deviously climbs down the rigging, covered in white splotches

Crew: Eww.

Devious: Wipes off the glass and looks from the deck Arr, it be the merchant ship! And they be stuck on the reef of death!

Jarring chord. Fade to the deck of the merchant ship, which is tilted to one side. The officers are having tea.

Officer 1: I say, it's dreadful being stuck on this reef of death, isn't it?

Officer 2: It is indeed, old chap. I wonder if someone will come and rescue us?

Cap'm: back to the pirates Arr, that be excellent news! Prepare a boarding party and prepare to ransack!

Crew: Yay!

Officer 2: back again But I do think the chances of that are rather a bit slim, don't you think?

Officer 1: Yes, I suppose so. Still, I suppose if they had a lot of very small boats, like those ones over there...

Officer 2: Yes, those would be perfect for navigating this reef of death.

Officer 1: I do hope they send some more of those. Then we can be out of tis dreadful place. sips tea. By now the pirates have boarded and are fighting the merchant crew. Two of the pirates carry a large, colorful banner that says "Happy Boarding!". Another pirate wears a pointy party hat and blows on a party kazoo between swipes with his cutlass.

Officer 2: after a few more sips of tea while the combat is going on ... I say, can any of you chaps fetch some more tea?

A wet-sounding slash and a "One Hour Later" later, the pirates are back on their ship reveling in their new-found wealth (consisting of a bunch of barrels and a box of soggy biscuits, plus a few random shiny objects). Some of the merchant crew are walking the plank. Another "One Hour Later" later, and John is out on watch duty at night. It is foggy.

John: Shivering ...errrrhhhh... I'm n-not afraid... I'm a p-p-p-pirate...

Bucket full of Water: splooshes.  Polly slides out, hiccuping

John: AAAAAUGH! AAAUGH! AA... oh. Heh... heh... looks around warily

Ghost Pirate: Materializes behind John, who takes no notice. Random objects make noises, which john overreacts to in much the same way as the bucket, but doesn't notice the ghost pirate.

John: I... I'm... n-n-not... s-s-s-scared... finally turns around and sees the ghost pirate. His eyes widen.

Ghost pirate: ...Boo.

The screen goes black as John shrieks in a most un-piratelike manner. The black instantly changes to a shot of a huge ghost pirate ship and the Flying Douglas side-by-side in the fog bank. The scene changes to the faintly-glowing ghost ship's deck, where the crew of the Flying Douglas is tied to the mast. A very regal-looking ghost captain materializes out of his quarters and inspects the prisoners.

Ghost Captain: Well, what have we here? Live ones, eh? Well, I know what too do with you lot! Untie the captain! a ghost pirate unties Cap'm Bigbeard and scoots him forward. John is shaking uncontrollably. Come with me, me hearty, and we'll have us a nice chat.

Cap'm: Ahright... I'll come with ye... but if ye touch me crew, I'll... er... do something ghosts don't like... to the lot of ye!

Ghost Captain: taking Cap'm aside Now, we can get down to business... a little cap'm to cap'm...

Cap'm: Arr.

Ghost Cap'm: looks around and whispers To be honest, we need directions out o' this big creepy fog bank. We been stuck in 'ere forever and it's really creepin' out the crew, if ye know what I mean.

Cap'm: Ah, I see. Well, see, ye can't get there from here... ye have to come about and make a left turn at the reef o' death.

Ghost Captain: Arr, so that's it. An' 'ere I've been turnin' right all this time. Thanks.

Scene very quickly changes back to the normal deck of the Flying Douglas. Everyone looks rather surprised.

Jim: Arr, that be weird!

Bill: !seY

Cooky: What now, Cap'm Bigbeard?

Cap'm: Now... hmmm... We set sail for the port at Biscuit Bay, to deposit our plunder!

Crew: Yay!

A short scene of the Flying Douglas docked at a dock. The pirates all go into a building called the Biscuit Bay Brewery.

Cap'm: now inside the bar Ahoy there, ye salty dog! We be back!

Bartender: Look, it be me mate Cap'm Bigbeard and 'is crew of scurvy sailors! What'll it be, boys?

Cap'm: Arr, a punched parrot fer me. Bartender gives him the drink

Jim: I'll take a bilgewater brew. Bartender gives him his drink

Cap'm: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! I'll not be outdone by one o' me own crew! Two black benders, on the double! Bartender fills up the mugs and hands them over

Jim: In that case, bring me a pint o' Molly's Bowel-Buster! Beat that, Cap'm!

This goes on for a while, with a few black screens showing everyone else getting tired, tankards full of beer, ale and other things piling up by Jim and the Cap'm (who are still trying to one-up each other, and not drinking), and the pub getting darker.

Jim: GUNNER'S GOB-GRILLER GROG!

Cap'm: NAILED-TO-THE-BOTTOM ALE!

Bartender: Right, closin' time, boys. Ye owe me... let's see... twelve barrels o' plunder, some random shiny objects, one pirate ship and a box o' soggy biscuits.

Cap'm: WHAT?

Bartender: And that be just the pourin' charges.

Cap'm: black screen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!...

Credits roll. At the end of the credits, a small blurb appears.

Blurb: No actual pirates were harmed in the making of this film, although some were seriously threatened. The crew of the Flying Douglas is now retired fade in to show the crew and Cap'm in a retirement home (called Assisted Living for Retired Pillagers and Plunderers) sitting in rocking chairs and living on a small dinghy pull out to reveal the entire retirement home is in a very small boat somewhere in the pacific ocean.

John: in an old guy voice Who ate Polly?

Cooky: also in an old guy voice Eh?


END