This is who I am:
Faint yellow-lit street corner night,
Tall lamps attracting
Death un-defying moths
or
Black-buried busy day
Frosted with moisture and smoke
In an air we deem
obsolete
or
Red-light night
Scent of sex, alcohol, and trouble,
Sweats of hidden police charades
or
Silent fluorescent-bright morning
Rust-eaten playground, house to
Another virtual death that nobody
Buries: innocence.
This is who I want to be:
Hummingbird once perched on a tree,
Flying mightily away,
Avoiding another pebble slingshot
or
Piano hidden in the attic,
Ivory keys detached, strings untuned,
Revisited again, useful despite
Abandonment
or
Life line stretching across the wrist,
Girdle of Venus heeded
And seeked to be satisfied
or
The un-returning of Saturn,
Black holes: recyclable identities,
Turning of revolution in synchronicity
To the calm steps of the feet.
Author notes
The parts THis is who I am and This is who I want to be are supposed to be parallel with each other, but you can't do that kind of formatting here.
Please comment if you click on this from the featured box. thanks.
Written September 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I really loved this, it has amazing imagery and conjures up excellently the gulf between our realities and our dreams. It's worth remembering that each of us are different things to different people and perhaps some of the concepts represented in the second half of the poem ARE actually how others see you
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thanks so much for this hearfelt comment.
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A life is a poem.
It is a deep human thirst which have been scripted through very poetic structure appealing very deeply to the readers. The quest for tahe satructure of life hoping in this write is just very beautifull and very natural too. The beauty of the hope designed in this write is a feel of the universal truth for which everyone in this world is running day nand night. The flow of the write is very impressive and just to the point.I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar -
thanks so much. and yeah, everybody seems to like the abandoned piano, though that was what i had been thinking of revising for fear that it was too abstract. anyway, thanks again.
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Damn. "The un-returning of Saturn"? Like, whoa. That's intense. I also really liked your ananlogy about an abandoned piano.-Curtis
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wow, thanks, though I'm sure it's far from perfect, but thanks anyway.
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wow. i'm actually speechless... i do not know what to say.
this poem is perfect.
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i love the part where you try and explain who you WANT TO BE.
beautifully expressed...im in awe -
THanks. And I will keep working hard on my writing.
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Another very nice piece, you have a wonderful talent for someone so young, keep working hard on your writing because I believe you are capable of great things. -Al
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I'm sure after rereading it you might find something to your fancy. If not, well, then, whatever your interpretation, then I intended it! haha. That's Robert Frost for you. THanks for reading my poem.
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intriguing
I don't understand it all, but I enjoy the structure and the contrasts. Worth re-reading. Lovely imagery. I love the 'useful piano'. Just where I am right now. Intriguing, and what else should poetry be? -
Oh my, thanks so much for the wonderful comment. By the way, the girdle of venus is a palm line, the one that is part of the heart line but is somewhat disconnected. Its, you are right, about sexual urges.
Everything else is coincidental. haha. But as Frost said, "Whatever you find there, I intended it." bwahahahaha.
Kannika -
This was pictoral eloquence, i enjoyed the visual and emotional tie with everything you wrote in this, very refreshing
good luck
A.o.D -
Wonderful
Now here is why I have you among my favorites, amazing poem. Like someone else mentioned the metaphors are very unique and visually stimulating. I particularly like the first one, since I just love moths. Love the stanza on sex/passion and the one on the death of youth in a rusty playground. The last stanza is just amazing "recycled identities," at first I called your poetry spiritual now I'm inclined to call it mystical. I'm trying to see how the stanzas of who you are and who you want to be parallel: moths-hummingbird (althought you identify with the dim yellow light and not the moths, but I see how the first one represents an attraction to death while the other seeks to live). The obsolte/buried day - the useful piano (interesting juxtaposition considering one is an abstract while the othe a physical object). The sex/trouble stanza and its parallel in the Venus' girdle stanza I'm having trouble understanding, the only thing that unites them is the line "seeked to be satisfied." The images are wonderful, the stretching lifeline and Venus' rigngs as a girdle is really original, perhaps you're referringt to the girdle as a sexual symbol, one that is everlasting as opposed to the tired routine under the red light. By the way I love that you use different shades of light in the beginning of each stanza on the first part, I tried to find something similar on the second half, couldn't find it. I could go on forever, babbling in appreciation without adding anything constructive, so I'll stop myself and just thank you for a wonderful read. -
vey refreshing, the stanzas' are all awesome ... I would like to say, the flow of this piece is amazing keep it up
Best of luck with the contest ... I might also add
Take care
~ Steph ~ -
This is an excellent write. I couldn't pick a favorite stanza because all were superb. Wonderful imagery and excellent word use. I truly enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
I loved the use of colour in the Who I Am:
"Black-buried busy day
Frosted with moisture and smoke"
It contrasted the 2 parts well. Wonderful imagery here!! Best of luck in the contest. -
this poem is a "thinker" for sure. the title caught my attention
this poem very creatively who you are and who you want to be. rather than stating "facts" you've penned beautifully visual descriptions that have the reader thinking... some are obvious and some allow room to wiggle.
i thoroughly enjoyed this
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You know I didn't even bother to find out what the contest was about, but it doesn't matter. I totally understand what you were saying and I thoroughly enjoyed the metaphor feast that you served up with great finesse and sincerity.
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vey beaty loved it
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this is refreshing
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