"Mommy, let's play the cloud game"
the cloud game
that simple past time I taught him
in the days of running around in just a diaper
(him, of course)
in the summer heat. Mine and his special time
finding beasts and poetic inspiration
in the fluffy whiteness and childhood
innocence.
I come up with a half-hearted excuse
and go back to what I was doing
which must of been important
but can't ever really recall what it exactly was
now.
The next time, and time after that
another pitiful excuse
until I collected a plethora of little white lies
to pull out whenever the question arose.
I never truly took the time
after a while
to indulge a child's hope
to reconnect the strained bond we had formed
oh, so long ago
that I let loosen by
pretending
to be an adult.
So many worries, so many other things
cluttering up a mind
that refused to take the couple of minutes
to point out a nonexistent shape
in a simple cloud.
"Not this time"
and I caught
out of the corner of my eye
the crushed look upon his face before
he faced away, staring into the sky...
"Look Mommy, a princess! Just like you!"
and I smiled at him
never realizing the magnitude of the gift
from his little (but bigger than mine) heart.
"Play this game with me"
2 years older, yet still frantically searching
for a way to hold us together
he was my little superman,
my hero
worshipping him for the perfect creation he was
(is)
but somehow I began to move my religion
to less worthy deities
and somewhere between birth and seven
he became just a little boy.
Once again, I reached in my bag of excuses
and put him off with
"In just a minute"
Minutes, it seems, went on forever
but not for that lone little boy
and he moved on.
I guess he began to believe
I was just too damn busy
though I haven't accomplished a thing
(not completely true. I began and finished breaking a young child's
pure heart)
Finally, too late, I took a look to see
that little boy in diapers
isn't so little
football, baseball, third year in school
with two siblings following closely.
Being a mother isn't always easy
so many mistakes made
in the years since simple pleasures
but none as big,
as momentous as ignoring
one little boy's plea.
I guess he took the hint I
didn't really realize I was giving.
And he looks at me funny when I suggest
playing the cloud game.
Author notes
This isn't actually my personal best (obviously... the to/toos are mixed up and it's more plain speak than 'poetic') but I would have to classify it as the most personal to me, so I guess that would include being my personal favorite. It's my whiney emo mother shit, and the only piece of my 'work' that I can't dettach myself from. Most of what I write is just that... what I wrote, but this actually still effects me. It may not be perfectly written, and sure, I could possibly revise it and make it more 'poetic'... but it is an emotional piece, and I still can't look at it with uneffected view, so it's still impossible for me to revise.
I would of probably went through my collection and found something that is more 'intelligent' or better written... loaded with metaphors and stark lines... butchered to fit the 'perfect poetry' mold that we strive for today... but I'm in a mood and found your contest while in that mood, so I'm throwing this in. I do not expect a trophy (though this has won one, somewhere; that doesn't mean shit, I know). You asked for best/personal favorite, so here it is. This is what I go back and read when my kids have gotten on my last nerve and I want to tell them to go somewhere and play with a brick... so I guess that has to say something.
And no... I will never win 'mother of the year' award, but neither have I ever strived for it. I'm just trying to get out of this without having given birth to serial killers that will go on T.V. and blame his/her mother for their 'little problem'.
I do love my children. This shows that (I hope). An explanation of why this 'poem' materialized is below. One of these days I'll give this to my children... probably when they come to me and tell me what a shitty mother I am.
...
When my son was a baby/toddler, I worshipped him. I spent every moment showing him this, from spoiling him to simple games such as 'the cloud game'. We loved to find the shapes in the clouds. Beautiful summer days were always spent outside, staring up into the sky. Just me and my little man.
Somewhere, though, I started to slide in my adoration. I can't actually explain why. Maybe just stress, my own selfishness...or perhaps I just took for granted that that little boy would be there, waiting.
He wasn't.
The day that this was wrote, I looked over at that little boy (now seven) and asked if he wanted to play the cloud game. He really did give that funny little look, and used my own words back on me. "Not right now." At that moment, I knew I had made a mistake. I had put him off so much that he began looking to others. Perhaps that is a good thing. In my mother's mind it isn't. That little boy was my best friend, and I wanted to be his hero. But I'm not anymore. With my own actions (or lack of, actually) I had forced my son to look elsewhere, and now I'm just his mother. And that is good enough, but I wanted so much more.
I cried that day. And then, later on that night I wrote this. I cried all the way through the writing of this, and on each one of the comments I recieved. And sometimes, thinking back on this very thing, I still cry.
(Told you it was emo mother shit. Hey, if the teens can whine and complain... so can I!)
Written September 3rd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Your Best Work by Nicole Hanna.
500 points, ended May 21, 2006, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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This one of those momments, been there done then bought the souvenir tee
Precious love is a forgiving thing never pass up a moment again, never say anything you don't mean, after he's out of college get a life. He'll have his own.
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It's not too late!
Your son is only 7! Don't give up on the cloud game. You'll need to win him back, and you can if you really want to. Do it now, while you still have a chance.
Maybe, someday, he'll play this game with his own children.
M
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that is really beautiful. i dont know what else to say... very nearly made me cry. your son is lucky to have a mother that cares so much...
beautiful write
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wow, what a beautiful piece.
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This was very touching, you truly poured your feelings into this.
i believe anyone can relate to this, whether they were the mother who said "in a minute" or the child who turned away afterward.
a beautiful piece in my opinion. -
you poured your heart out in this write, I think many parents including myself feel this way. The good old days are gone.... The simple life is now a dream that exists about one arm lenght out of reach. thank you for sharing this personal piece that captures the feelings of most parents all over the planet. rudolf
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Wow,
What can one say to this ? This was so touching, and very deep
The main things that bothered me are the line breaks, and the use of profanity sometimes that I felt wasn't really needed because this is already really heartfelt.
I think the other comments have helped with the corrections.
You really deserved that silver trophy.
This poem is so worthy and very well done.
Kari
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This write has moved me beyond words. I am a mother of sorts. I have raised my nephew, and I never claimed to be perfect but I tried to do the best I knew how. And I can relate to this in so many ways. Mistakes are what make us human.. and although we'd love to be their hero's forever, we don't unfortunately. When I have children of my own. I pray I have learned from my mistakes, and I hope to be a better mother than I was to him.
This write and your notes, have really wrung the tears from me. Because as you cried I have cried for the same reason.
This is an exceptionally wonderful write.
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Wow... this is actually good, and very touching. I like how very detailed it is and I can tell it's very personal to you. For some reason I read the author notes first thing... since I've never had a child, I can't comprehend exactly how you're feeling. But... this does seem soul crushing. I do know a thing or two about realizing you've taken something or someone for granted... things that will never ever come back. I know how some poems are so hard to write, and it's something to read a piece that has meant so much to its author. And, mistakes or not, I do like this stylistically, too. This is so moving. Thanks for sharing
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"which must of been important" - "of" should be "have". Though we all do say "of" for "have" so it's quite a common mistake.
This was sort of emo but a good kind of emo; not the usual whiney emo that one usually reads.
Good heartfelt poem.
-Nam
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LOL
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Damn, I commented on this one already, too. If I pointed out that error before, and you didn't correct it ... you're in trouble, and will have to stand in the corner!
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I did. Go stand in the corner.
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You moved it to the front page!!! YAY You know this is my personal favorite Always has been...probably always will be ...Sigh now I am crying again....
Bookmarking so I won't lose this again,,,
You are brilliant but you know how I feel about you and your poetry. I love you both...
*love
Lynda
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I'm not going critique this. I can- but I won't. Most of what I saw Nam commented on already.
There's not much I read here that smacks me around. Most of your work does on some level and as a mother, this one did as well. (sigh- my daughter will be 13 in a few weeks and I have to Force myself to be engaged with her and the things she's into now). Motherhood is full of regrets isn't it?
It's not a great piece, but it is good, even without the revisions. I've written a few poems of this type that I haven't posted and probably never will. She'll get them when she's older and has her own kids- I keep telling myself she'll understand then.
She's out of town this week and this really made me wish she was here. Thanks, jerk, I'm sad now.
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I'm in a mad dash out the door and to work but I wanted to stop and say "thank you".
Yes. Motherhood is full of regrets. It seems mothers see in hindsight. At least, it seems I do.
That's normally not a good thing.
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Oh god. You went and did it. Showing you my fav finger. LOL I am bawling.. But this is how it goes isn't it. For me it was God's Paintings. The sunsets. I can see this all happening. And it goes round and round. Our parents, us. Sigh.
I love you for your honesty. You know that. Your out there in your face, take that. I am not perfect and you aren't either.
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"(him, of course)" - I think people are smart enough to understand who's in the diaper - but, thanks for the imagery, nonetheless.
"which must of been important" - "of" would be "have".
"but can't ever really recall what it exactly was" - "really" isn't needed.
"that I let loosen by" - I'm thinking that "loosen" is going with the second line above it, in what you're describing there, but, even in reading it with that (if that's what it's intended for) just doesn't seem to read right in this line. I think "loose" would work though it would probably give two separate images, and the latter image is probably would be the most thought of.
"from his little (but bigger than mine) heart." - I don't think placing "you" in this works. I think the line would read fine as: "from his little yet big heart" or something similar. Adding you into it, just is unnecessary.
"Minutes, it seems, went on forever" - repetition of "Minutes" is a bit much here. A suggestion: "It seemed to go on forever" - or something similar.
"Finally, too late, I took a look to see" - the repetition of the 'oo' in three words in this line, seems a bit much. I think you could rework the line to cut the repetition.
Other than those things, a good poem that you have written here, but, it could use some work.
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Thank you. Most people won't review this piece. I either get "great poem" or nothing.
I have worked on this a bit... making it more "prosey" with lines breaks, condensed lines and phrases a bit. I don't think, though, that I have even scratched the surface. You're right, this needs lots of work.
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Your honesty is amazing. How many times in the past I have done the same thing. A few months ago, one of my twins asked me to do something, and in my busy way of 'not' paying attention, I told her not right now. She said "Mom, you are always busy, cooking, cleaning, and doing stuff. Don't you want to spend time with us." Well I guess it took the innocence of that seven, now eight, year old child to give me a good dose of common sense. I have tried since then to pay more attention. To involve them in some of what I do. They even help me clean now, we make it fun. I don't want to wallow in the guilt because it only makes it worse. We cannot change the mistakes we have made, only learn from them, or keep making more. Sorry to ramble.
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OMG! This touched me so deeply. It is just so true. Every mother in the world can feel this. When they are so little and you are run so ragged and then you try to bring back those moments but it's too late. I have a poem about this too. It's about wanting the quiet but then wanting the quiet to go away. It's so funny, just yesterday my 15 year old was getting ready for the Homecoming dance. She had just gotten her nails done and I happened to be in the bathtub so she stuck her little hands under the door so I could see them and it brough back such a memory of when they were little and if I was ever in the bathroom, they would stick their little hands under the door... like they were trying to reach me. so precious. This is beautiful, heart-breaking, and so relatable.
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Hello,
I finally got back to read this again, and it had the same affect on me, I still loved it, but this time I was looking for anything I could suggest to you, to improve this. I only came up with a few things, things that might not be right, but I thought I'd point them out anyways.
From what I could see, all your sentences were correctly punctuated at the end. They all had periods placed at the end, but most of the sentences formed in this had clauses within clauses that should be separated by commas. However I know that many authors purposefully leave out some punctuation so they dont clutter their poem, and that's okay, but if you intend to submit this to a magazine or other publishing opp, that is a stickler for correct grammar, you may want to go through and re-punctuate all the sentences.
The other thing I saw was just a suggestion for wording.
In the last two concluding lines;
And he looks at me funny when I suggest
playing the cloud game.
^^It might read smoother and conclude better if you add 'now' between 'And' and 'he'.
So those are the only things I notticed that effect the piece, but I don't think they take anything away from it. (I just notticed because I'm an english teacher's pet, and grammar always catches my eye, even though my own writing is sorely lacking in that aspect)
Thank you again for reading 'Dharmic Law'. I appreciated it so much, and your suggestions were very helpful, and I've added some (hopefully good) imagery to it.
Good luck, and best wishes.
~Shirley -
(This site hates me. Everytime I type out something of considerable length, it messes up on me.)
LOL I still whine, and my teens are far behind me.
Actually, should you ever be bored and feel the need to critique something, I would actually appreciate the mistakes pointed out to me here. You see, this is still too much of an emotional piece for me to read through and find the flaws. (Yeah, I'm an oddball), but I would appreciate them pointed out to me.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read this. I didn't even know anyone read my author's page!
(crossing fingers that the system doesn't screw this one up before I send it) -
I'm tempted to resent that last comment of your author's comments box, but I won't, simply because I am a teen, and I do whine. Your author's page asked for this poem to be read because it was very personal to you, and I did so with that thought in my mind. Normally I read with a very objective and open mind, and try to offer strong critical suggestions, and had I not been prewarned that this is "emo mother shit" I probably would have pointed out every flaw I could see, but I don't feel the need to do that right now.
My main reason for enjoying this poem is this, 'the cloud game is simply staring at the clouds and picking shapes and creatures out of them, most often creatures that are distorted and blended and not like anything walking the crust of the earth, therefore the clouds give a rugged sketch of an actual scene or picture... and I think that is what your poem has also done, it gave a rugged but very personal sketch of an actual event. So that's why I liked, and um, sorry for rambling so much. Loved the poem, and I can't wait to read more.
Best wishes fellow poet,
~Shirley -
I remember to this day being that lil boy (girl I should say) an to this day still am. All 21 years of me....though the shoe now is on the other foot....I take care of my mom....or did atleast.....Funny how she would go to later on tell me when I was older how she didn't know how to do things like "play the cloud game" or "love"
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You know, I've found myself commenting on a lot of the entries, asking about the technical aspects of their poem, which the author notes ignored. Here, though you don't speak of the technical aspect, you addressed WHY you wont speak of it, and I applaud that. Sometimes, things are personal for the sheer sake of being personal to us. I have a poem such as this myself, which I actually hate on a poetic level, lol, but which I can't seem to throw away regardless, because it captured a moment, a feeling, just as your piece does. I think your author notes were perfectly suited to the poem and the contest.
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genius
I just had to come to comment again when I noticed this poem...It is one of my favorites of yours and even though it makes me cry everytime, I just had to read it again because it is a poetic masterpiece....As I said before re this poem, you dare to speak of "should have" when most people would keep wearing rose colored glasses claiming they could not have done anything different....You are a wonderful person and a brilliant poet my friend....Lynda
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Okay, do you know why this is a good poem? Because not everything has a happy ending. Not everything in life turns out the way you want. So many poems out there have a beautiful ending, and I think that you feel guilty for not creating one in your own child's life. But I am not here to critique you as a mother, I am here to critique you as a poet. There were some gramatical errors. You managed to tell the story well, although I think that with some editing, this could be cut down consideribly without ruining your vision that you have for this poem. Your spacing was unique, and the way you added deeper emotions in the parenthesis was as creative as the use of dialouge. You have much potential as a poet and I can definatly see how hard you worked on this. Good luck!
-Courtney -
Wow. I'm speechless. I can't thank you enough for this comment. Normally, I find more than enough words to express myself (quite long winded at times), but now, I'm at a loss for words. I am honored that you like this write. This is my most personal write as of yet, one that I actually tear up rereading it, for every bit of it is true...and it breaks my heart to realize the effect of my mistakes.
As for changing the format...once again I am honored that you liked this enough to actually want to print it out, so how could I refuse such a request?
So, as soon as I get a few extra moments to spend trying to reformat, I will and let you know when it's posted.
Thank you, once again, for such a wonderful review of my write.
~Meli~ -
Incredible!
OMG....HUGE lump in my throat and watery eyes now...THANKS!
But seriously....I am choked up bad.
Gosh this sounds so much like the idea behind "Cats in the Cradle"...ever hear that song?
OK, you just seriously made me want to run into my sons room and just lift him outta bed and squooooosh him and drown him in love! I understand and relate to this on so many levels that I cannot possibly name them all!
GOD, so lovely! There have been many times when I didn't take the time with my son that I feel I should have. I only wish when he was that precious little adorable toddler that I had spent more time! I wish I had done more "paddy-cakes" and goo-goo-gaa-gaas with him. I wish I had exchanged more stories of fairies and goblins and exchanges of giggles and faces. Even now at ten, my son so often wants my time and I feel like I do not give it enough...I want one lifetime to give to nothing but him....GOD do I love this kid!
Ok, so wow, there are just WAY too many things I could point out and say about this piece! Where do I begin?
FIRST you made me laugh pointing out HIM in the diaper...because for a second I actually pictured a grown woman in a diaper running around! hahahah
Cute!
Second...your imagery and descriptives are enchanting...the "fluffy whiteness", "childhood innocense", and then your sentiments so earth-moving; like the princess in the cloud, and his heart being bigger than yours though little (how true for children!),and the little superman comment....wow! Isn't it amazing how they need no costume, no bulging muscles, no super powers....it is the heart and soul of these little amazing humans that truly makes them heroes....as mine always will be too!
The excuses, the time, the worries, the clutter....oh so many things detract us from what we know matters most...and then by way of this, we can add guilt too! Oh what a tangled web!
Oh I could go on and on...how many things you accomplish and touch on in one piece. I am truly moved at how lovely and brilliant this is.
I hope that you can manage to still keep the love and bond with your kids despite whatever you might not do perfect. Please know one thing, despite anything, they do love us and have wonderful memories and feelings even if we are not perfect, and even if we are so hard on ourselves (probably more than them).
One last note, tonight my son said to me (because I am pretty ill right now, though getting better), "Mom, I am being so good because I know you do not feel well," as he brought me dinner that he made for me! Nothing could sound more beautiful to me than that! Funny how simplicity in beauty works!
Thank you for moving me so much! I would love to see you restructure this because it is truly incredible and I would love to print it and hang it up! I don't mean change any content because it is incredibly perfect...I just mean the layout. However, know this, not for one second did it ever take away from the incredible beauty you have laid out here!
Truly wonderful and you have my heartfelt applause!
The win was well deserved! (ok, well shoulda been 1st place!)
Luv and blessings to you, ~Kitty {{{{
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This is beautifully written. It makes me want to savor every precious minute I can with my special little one. A great job
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DAMN! What a kick in the head.....this is just TOO TRUE! You did an awesome job with this write! I can't say enough! I could see my son's face as I read it............I just felt so bad!.....LOVELY.....
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Beautiful write . Makes you think of your own wasted days and missed preciouse moments with you're children .Love the term make every day a memory day . really enjoyed this and i was playing the cloud gaame two days ago ....on my own /..sad
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How we can see ourselves in this poem, how we always say later, or I'm busy, and before you know it, they're grown and have no time for you. Well written, poignant and from the heart.
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this is a great read. it's written well and carries an important message. being a mother myself, it strikes closer. makes me cringe to think of my own faults as a mother. thanks for that.
I did see a couple of places where 'to' should have been 'too'. thought I'd mention it.
nicely done,
Lea
Edited on Oct 08 because ''. -
that's absolutely, tearfully beautiful. I'll admit that it made me cry slightly.
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It's a sad and pitiful truth...We never know we made a mistake until we've already done it. I admire you for your honesty and candor. You may have spoken to a young mommy that needed to think about all her "wait a minutes".
The write was excellant. I guess when you write with anguish and remorse that is befitting to be a bit choppy. I thought you intended it.
Loved this very much for, I too, am guilty.
~~~POO~~~ -
Thank you. It hurts to know (now) how simple it would of been to of prevented those hurt looks on his face, simple hurt caused by me not seeing that it wasn't about the game at all. Live and learn, huh? All we parents can do is strive to be better, I guess, after realizing the mistakes we make. Thank you, once again, for your wonderful comment.
~Meli~ -
And the days of childhood are fleeting
This is a pure "White Cloud" poem and I applaud your honesty though you are probably being hard on yourself.The choppiness you mention strengthens the message as life is choppy and we mums have so much on our plate that yes there are times we make mistakes or have no time to play the game.You are still his Princess.I liked the images as they carressed the child within and without and there was an abstract quality of thoughtfulness and dreaminess that was wonderfully woven into an inspiring write. -
Thank you for this beautiful comment. As a parent, it just seems like there are so many things we let slip, trying to be a parent, and end up missing the better moments. I hope that my son has the same view that you do, and forgives me for being stupid enough not to see how important it was to take the time out to indulge a child's mind and heart.
Best wishes ~Meli~ -
beautiful
that is so fucking beautiful i am crying right now seriously i am the middle child of five and i look into this poem just to see how mothers really feel like i know i dont tell my mom this enough but i love her and even though you parents make choices you regret and know matter how much you ignore or dissown your kids on behalf of all kids out there i just want to say we love you and no matter if we scream we hate you or dissown you something in our heart never lets you go so thank you for kicking my ass back to reality i appreciate the sense of realness and passion
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