"I will go back to that silent evening" - Galway Kinnell
As death watch nears its end
we stand on your porch,
the fog a silent shroud.
A yard away, life hangs on
a mere thread of breath
that waits for the final draw
but she’s already gone,
we’ve begun to mourn
in the still of an April evening.
Author notes
Written September 1st, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Stolen Starting Points (contest) by zara.
400 points, ended September 11, 2005, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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ohhh, this is so sad, and I know it well.
Congratulations, a sad moment captured perfectly.
Kathleen
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love the second stanza. fantastic. the last line of it is brilliantly worded so as to have an intriguing double meaning, or maybe more. but i see it as: 1)obviously, the life is waiting for the last breath that person or thing will draw, but also 2)the final draw can be interpreted as the final draw, as in a tie of sorts, between life and death because perhaps life and death really are not as different as we think. anyway that second stanza really amazes me. excellent job and congratulations on getting it in this book i've heard of.
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Very fine poem.Deserves its place in the book.
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A well-executed peek into sadness.
Excellent, and congrats!
Stacy
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great..
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and gratz on publication
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Reminds me of a sad morning in July when we all sat and watched the best dog in the world leave us. Still hurts thinking of that day. Still makes me cry when I think of her body going limp.
Very good piece here. Takes the reader into grief.
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I know we talked about this piece .. I swore I commented ... maybe just to you.
Congrats...deep, sad, reflective piece.
Lisa
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Ah! You’ve taken inspiration from the Kinnell, without using the line; I like that. This poem reflects a quiet time with quiet, slow-paced language. All those single syllable words make for strong poetry. Thank you so much for entering.
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this is one of them (in the book) there is one that was in your wayfaring contest as well = )
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the brevity of the piece- the strength of its whisper- the touch of it's soul- this is what poetry is meant to be-
thank you for the submission.
m -
so many things we forget to see as something beautiful because we are aware of endings. Really well done!
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I love this poem, it is so dark and amazing!
Keep writing!!
I love this poem
WOOOOOO
Hugs! -
amazing. it was so deep, i could feel the emotion in it like it was my own. well done.
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wow this poem is realy good i love your choise of words there very strong i just love every thing about it love always,
~Jade -
Very touching and poignant write, conveying in a few short lines the emotions of a moment of sadness which you will obviously revisit frequently - echoing the theme line of the poem, without needing to include it.
Lovely.
PJ
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I really like this. I could feel the chill settling in my bones. Almost felt like watching for someone although you are achingly aware of the truth that they will never come.
good stuff.
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Such writes in the simplicity and yet depth captured with perfect beginnings, middles and ends... well, this is what writing should be. How great to find this one here and see how high the bar is set for this challenge.
hmmm... now how can any of us top this one? Great voice in this jan... fantastic ending too. -
Yeah, you don't need good luck wishes with this poem, Jan - this is utterly beautiful in its gentle sadness... so much in these few words! You have the words in you and as always, your poetry has that lingering quality about it. Truly beautiful!!
~ Nicolette
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Okay, you had to know this one was going to bring a tear to my eyes. Jan, this is beautiful, I do believe you've outdone yourself here.
I'd wish you luck in the contest, but with a poem like this, is it needed?
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this takes me to a place in time where something like this was a reality, another scene & month.....but we also greived, you've done a tremendous job of showing that one minute its a reality of wait (& dread) and the next another reality of loss. Its still a beautiful poem you've written, however.
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All of us need to go through this process on our way to healing and living a normal life again. Well written about a tough topic.
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I like this poem a lot, but to be honest with you I don't really understand it as much as I'd like to. I can't wait to see more of your work soon though. Keep up the good work, Jessica.
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I have actually been through this so the poem hit me pretty close to home, though short it really captures the reality of what one goes through in this situation great job.
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Again, you've managed, through simplicity, to capture all our imaginations with this sad piece..it's great.
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excellent, Janet. tragedies like these can't be approached through flowery words and fantastical metaphors. Death is talking in whispers on a porch in uncomfortable clothes. It is crying at the kitchen table. Being able to write it as it is... that's life.
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This is fabulous hon.
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Jan...you are really too good...perfection, my dear. Sadness with hope...a delicate balance.
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Great description of such sadness. I didnt find it difficult to read at all, just a beatutifully written peice that drives the [point home very well.
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Poignant
Yes, we do start to grieve as soon as we know death is near. Although the poem is short, you've used words which evoke the scene in great detail, drawing on our own experiences. The ambiguity of "your porch" brings it closer to me.
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o
i m sry
the bakround didnt show up the first time
nevermind!!!
ill read the poem!! -
its VERY VERy
hard to read
i suggest that u change it!!
i cant read it so i cant comment it
but i love the title!!!!
much luv,
aby
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Yes I like this. I like it alot. Its short, snappy and has all the ingredients of a delicious English pancake filled with strawberry jam. I particularly enjoy the uses of time that have been made in it. Good job!
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It's a great poem.
I like it...The images are really vivid and I think it's great.Keep writing
diamarie
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This is certainly sad but you have written it beautifully, using rich expression , I enjoyed reading it even though it is sad.
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Thanks so much Gill, I know she does.
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this is a perfect sequel Jan.. to Mary
I'm sure that somewhere.. in the ether, along the elements and stars and static.. she hears your words and heartbeat..
As I do here..
a wonderful piece
it surely made me sigh
~GILL~xxx
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