qwertyuiopasdfghyujiklzxcvbnqwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnmqwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm
'You can't have "Jew",' I said.
'Why not? It's a perfectly good word. Are you anti-semitic or something?'
'Jew has a capital J,' I said.
'Not necessarily. I've used it before.'
'Not with me you haven't. There's the dictionary. Look it up.'
Jumbo grudgingly picked up the Shorter Oxford and looked up "Jew". He sniffed loudly, slammed the dictionary shut and removed the tiles from the board. His replacement word was a sodding disaster.
'That's twenty-four points you've cost me with your nit-picking, you motherfucker,' he said through gritted yellow teeth, his flabby body shaking with rage. 'The J was on a triple letter score.'
I sneered derisively and laughed long and loud, making Jumbo froth at his ugly fat nostrils with anger.
'Watch this and weep, Jumbo,' I said, playing out all seven of my tiles onto the board to create a stunning word: UNZIPPED. 'The Z's on a double letter score and it's all on a triple word score, so that's 90, plus 50 for playing all my tiles, 140 in total and the end of the game,' I declared in triumph. Jumbo was caught with 14 in his hand (remember: he still had the J) and thus I, the great SNOGGO, became Greenwich Scrabble Champion for the 25th year running. Not only that: but 25 consecutive defeats in the final for Jumbo.
Jumbo roared in frustration as he saw his hopes of taking the coveted 24ct gold "Queen Anne" cup away from me, SNOGGO, dashed to the ground yet again. And, by centuries old tradition, 25 consecutive victories meant the priceless cup was now mine to keep for ever. Jumbo's scream of uncontrollable, incandescent rage could have been heard as far away as the Vanbrugh Hill Municipal Waste Disposal Centre.
'God damn you for all fucking eternity,' he bellowed unsportingly as he waddled out of the cheering hall. In so doing he flouted the gentlemen's convention of always staying to take part in the closing ceremony. He missed seeing me, the great SNOGGO, receive the shining gold cup from the gnarled hands of the Lady Mayoress, the Hon. Mrs Snotte-Wragge, who whispered in my ear 'Fancy a quick shag later, back at the mayoral parlour, SNOGGO dear?' For the fifth year in a row I told her to go and get stuffed as I didn't go for ugly old bats with arses on them like a double-decker bus.
Later that evening, as I sat in the splendid Georgian surroundings of Snoggo Manor, cradling the gold cup and admiring the row of 25 Championship certificates on the walls of my elegant dining room, finishing off my second bottle of Bollinger Grand Cru '89 and stuffing my 18th oyster down my happy throat, I heard a knock on the door. Who could that possibly be at nearly midnight?
It was Jumbo, my fat defeated foe. He looked downcast. 'SNOGGO,' he said, 'I've come to offer my apologies for my inappropriate behaviour earlier. You deserved to win, you are the finest scrabbler in all of Greenwich. I have come to offer you the hand of friendship and to invite you to my humble home for a midnight snack to celebrate your stirring victory.'
'Jumbo,' I replied, 'that's uncommon civil of you, old man. And your timing is excellent, as I've just finished my apéritif and was on the verge of kicking Mrs SNOGGO, my new 17-year old Thai mail order wife, out of her hammock to make my supper. So what's on the menu, squire?'
'Well,' said Jumbo, 'I was thinking of pâte de foie gras - naturally made by Mrs Jumbo using our own force-fed geese, with a bottle of Château d'Yquem '78 to start with. Then perhaps a kilo of blood-red filet mignon avec pommes frites, washed down with a rather good magnum of Brouilly '99. Then there's Mrs Jumbo's famed cheeseboard with a tumbler full of vintage port, followed by a dozen crêpes suzettes, a few petits cafés, a monster Armagnac and a giant Havana each.'
I considered the proposed menu carefully before replying. 'Sounds quite good to me, Jumbo,' I declared, glancing over his shoulder at the Bentley waiting outside. I could just see the peaked chauffeur's cap of the diminutive Mrs Jumbo peering myopically over the leather-covered steering wheel.
And so, having told Mrs Snoggo to tidy up a bit whilst I was out, I went off to dinner with Jumbo. In all our 25 years of Scrabble rivalry I had never once set foot into his house, so I was eager to check out what sort of lifestyle he enjoyed. Once inside Jumbo Villa, I cast my eyes over the luxurious furnishings with an expert eye, evaluating their immense worth and rarity with incredible perspicacity and knowledge.
'Not a bad pad you've got here, Jumbo,' I conceded. 'Not in the same class as Snoggo Manor, of course, but still damned impressive.' He was visibly flattered by my compliment.
'A glass of sherry while we wait for Mrs Jumbo to serve us?' queried Jumbo jovially. I sniffed at the huge portion of delicious amber nectar appreciatively. 'Lustau Amoroso Bodega Marquès de Mierda '42?' I guessed instinctively. Jumbo nodded. 'Fucking spot on, SNOGGO,' he admitted in stunned amazement.
I took an enormous gulp and felt the alcohol hit me like a slam in the abdomen from Cassius Clay's butcher and more vicious brother. The room spun and I closed my eyes in resigned delight.
When I came to I found myself hanging unclothed in chains on the wall of a dank cellar. My head was pounding and I felt distinctly below par. I looked over my shoulder and beheld Jumbo standing there with a sjambok in his hand. He was stark fucking naked, naked as the day he was born, and I have never seen anything so repulsive in all my life (with the sole exception of that incredible day when, as a child, I caught my paternal grandparents bonking on the Persian rug in the Great Hall at Snoggo Manor on Christmas Eve). Jumbo’s huge pendulous breasts sagged over his bloated fat belly, which itself hung so low his genitals were mercifully hidden from my view. He was a fucking monstrosity.
The tiny Mrs Jumbo stood to the rear of the cellar, also naked, pallid and with her public hair died a shocking pink. She was a skinny freak, a vision of sex Hell. I noticed the tattoo on her belly. It showed a depiction of the crucifixion which I felt was in dubious taste, especially with Jesus sporting an enormous erection.
What I, the wonderful SNOGGO, suffered in the next few hours was truly indescribable, so I will only summarise it. After a seemingly endless whipping from Jumbo (assisted by Mrs Jumbo, but her puny lash strokes were almost pleasurable), accompanied by their combined frenzied cries of demented hatred and loathing, I was forced to suffer the supreme humiliation. Jumbo mounted a set of fine Regency library steps, positioned his Hellish lumpen body behind me and unceremoniously inserted his tiny penis into my outraged anus. Oh the shame! Oh the shame!
‘O Jesus Christ help me!’ I yelled in rain and pain. And suddenly a voice spoke unto me. 'O great SNOGGO,' it intoned, 'thou needst not suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune so needlessly. Only have faith in me, the great loving Jesus, and I shall give thee strength to deal with thy fucking awful tribulations.'
It was a miracle! SNOGGO could and would be saved! Quickly I mumbled a couple of Ave Marias remembered from my youth as a leading mutual masturbator in the chapel choir, and I silently promised a quick twenty thousand quid to the local faggotty priest paedophile fund, and my chains fell to the floor with a blast of heavenly thunder. Halle-fucking-luliah!
'Right, Jumbo you fat cunt,' I snapped, 'you have fucking had it.'
And with one mighty blow of my right arm I smashed him against the wall. His huge hideous body crumpled as he slid to the floor, blood oozing from his fat gob. I gave him a bloody good kicking in the face and in the heart region and shortly he went to meet his maker, with a sickening grunt and expulsion of vomit.
Then I turned to the horrified naked ugly skinny tattooed Mrs Jumbo and said: 'OK, cuntface, where's my fucking supper?'
She shrugged and headed upstairs to prepare the meal I had been promised by Jumbo earlier, as I was seriously hungry by this stage. Little did she know I would be obliged to put her out of her misery later. Or if she were lucky, I might offer her a position as unpaid toilet cleanser chez moi.
Yes, it was yet another stunning victory for the fabulous SNOGGO, thanks to timely divine intervention for which I am very much obliged.
And don't forget my luscious 17-year old Thai mail bride would be waiting to give me a really good blowjob once I got back to Snoggo Manor. Either that or I would give her a good belting and send her back to her grotty poverty-stricken village with a demand for a full refund.
THE END
Author notes
For SNOGGO's next adventure go to www.allpoetry.com/poem/1499739 , but for the first appearance of SNOGGO's beautiful 17 year old Thai bride you need to go back to www.allpoetry.com/poem/1405465 .
And SNOGGO is my nomination for personality of the year. Vivo SNOGGO! Vivo! Vivo!
CONTEST NOTE: WHAT SHOULD SNOGGO DO NEXT? OR SHOULD I CONCENTRATE ON ONE OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS? SNOGGO'S THAI BRIDE? OR MRS JUMBO, MAYBE SHE HAS POSSIBILITIES......... PERHAPS A STORY OF HER LIFE AS SNOGGO'S TOILET ATTENDANT.
Written on 30th August, 2005.
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Hah, definitely funny and interesting. Pretty vulgar but hey, who said that was a bad thing? Good job and thanks for entering
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Beware of Green Witchies bearing gifts. A resoundingly disgusting offensive story done in a way that reminded me of the style of Edgar A. Poe in some of his tales; by the way, Jumbo barfing at the end was a nice touch, but most people shit themselves (when they crap off). I know some people out here in middle of nowhere that have gotten mail order brides, they're quite satisfied.
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Haven't visited in awhile and as always, glad I did. This one is truly action packed, with lovely descriptions of not only the racey scrabble competition but the delicious gourmet delicacies. Bravo.
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write what you feel and feel what you write keep writeing at what ever cost...
love the papa -
But the swearing is always justified on literary grounds I feel. Nothing superfluous. That's not my sophicated style.
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Very nice entry, although just a tad high on the swearing. Funny, though.
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There's nothing better than a heated game of Scrabble to set the tone for a story. I must confess that I have never heard of SNOGGO before now, but the character is intriguing....
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Wow- this was funny! You always have the cookiest stories! I think SNOGGO should have an incident with his wife and ship her out! That would be a great addition to this story! Wonderful!
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This was...interesting. It's very funny, albeit disturbing and a little offensive. You wrote this very well, and even though I'm not sure if I personally like it or not, I have to admit you are a good writer. Good job.
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hoooooooooooray
wow. increidible. amazing writing. stunning. also cunning. very good work. -
Very intersesting write. Very well written. Great job! Thanks for entering my contest.
~Alicia~ -
Hi there Red Red Rose! You recently commented favourably on a SNOGGO story! Why not join the groups "Fans of SNOGGO" ? Then you'll keep up with all the SNOGGO news!
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Hi Cyanide! You recently commented favourably on a SNOGGO story! Why not join the groups "Fans of SNOGGO" ? Then you'll keep up with all the SNOGGO news!
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Hi there! You recently commented favourably on a SNOGGO story! Why not join the groups "Fans of SNOGGO" ? Then you'll keep up with all the SNOGGO news! xxx EDNA.
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Hi! You recently commented favourably on a SNOGGO story! Why not join the groups "Fans of SNOGGO" ? Then you'll keep up with all the SNOGGO news!
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Different and yes, morally offense, funny and warped all wrapped up in one. Good work though and thanks for entering the contest.
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I'm sorry, no short stories!
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Wow, Just wow. Lets see what my favorite part was :
The part where he was haning there naked and then him having to witness that fat fucker standing there naked.
It was priceless what thoughts were going through his head. if this ever became a book, i would read it all the time. Just to have a smile and see how crazy your mind really is. It was funny and priceless, and its nice to get away from my life and read this kind of stuff. I will difinetly be reading more of this story. Might go to another section right now, hehe.
-Justin -
Lmao, i loved this! The style, the descriptions, the sleaze, the fury, all of it beautiful and amusing. x
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made me dig
mmm scrabble
i prefer drugs
After fighting five drug wars in 30 years at a cost of USD150 billion, McCoy said, "Washington has presided over a six-fold increase" in the world opium supply from 1,000 tonnes in 1970 to between 5,000 and 6,000 tonnes today. Meanwhile, the number of US heroin users has gone from 68,000 to more than one million during the same period and, despite 15 years of US bilateral anti-drugs efforts, Andean coca production doubled to 600,000 tonnes by 2000.
and thanks to the us... i have no problem getting them
stick with the wrighting though... you've a talant...
try drugs not scrabble though.. try drugs... -
I have to admit, I was apprehensive as to what to expect..
but I thoroughly enjoyed this witty, perversely entertaining, well 'executed' write.
Shockingly gutteral, morally offensive, but justified in context of this disturbedly funny tale.
Well penned Edna!
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lol have to laugh that this was put under spiritual can see why it could fall into the category well done a really funny and upbeat write i enjoyed it the putrid bubblegum pink background somehow adds to the write well done xx Cheryl
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Umm weird. Funny made me laugh which is hard but still weird.
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Yeah, um, this should be under erotica...
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Well, I mean it's quite hilarious, but still... Scary, yes?
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scary.. O.O
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Dear I&V: It was not long. It was not disjointed. It is a allegedly funny story. Sorry you didn't understand the point, or find it amusing. Be as rude as you like! Why hold back? I just don't understand how anyone can't see the joke, so I should be fascinated to hear why you don't.............. I can see how someone might be offended by the rude allusions to the silly christian faith and the concept that SNOGGO was saved by divine intervention from buggery by an oath, but how can you not see the joke? Oh dear.
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i love the beginning, i love how it is a scrabble game,such anger over a game of scrabble. perfect!
the only thing i didnt like was mr.jumbo's description.EWWWW
very gross.
great job -
Edna, I have to be honest. this was very long disjointed and I have no idea of what was the point of it. not trying to mean or rude. iamge and Visions
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SNOGGO's mail order wife has NOT been done before. She came GUARANTEED virgin both ends.
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he he interesting. i also did not really like the mail order wife thing cos thats been done a few times already, but otherwise, it was rather funny, in a strange sort of nonsensical way, not like that other one about the stuttering competition, which was cooler i reckon, but anyway, that was still great, and i liked it.
^sir alymere^ -
great
Hey this is great made me giggle haha i liked it alot very well done and good creativity aswell
well done mate and keep it up haha
+wellsy+
+purity+ -
wow...quite funny. youre a very talented writer...especially in the comedic area of things. good write...good read!
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I liked the part of them playing scrabble. Snoggo - what a character, creation, invention. Very talented writer!
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Bravo
Wow, I am amazed by the way you imagined this piece....How did you create the character Snoggo? -
Dear Andy Stephenson, If you write music, you win. I only listen. Keep scrabbling.
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Umm...wow.. Okay. What do I say? It was interesting. Dark in a way that didn't think it was.. But I did actually read it all the way through, and commenting...which is rare. So...yeah.
-Hood
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Very good
I didn't know you could get a refund on a mail order bride. Maybe I should try one. Quite a story and you have a better trained imagination than I. Do you write songs? I would hate to be defeated in all areas. I appreciate the dialogue lessons deeply and will continue to learn from you. In this story you almost lost my with the scrabble. -
Except for the whole blow job/ mail order bride bit- this reminded me of my brother coming to my house and beating the snot out of me in Scrabble- he would pull words out of his ass that I swear were created just for scrabble geeks like him to humiliate sisters like me. Damn, I miss him.
Thanks for the fun read.
m -
Did you try any more SNOGGO? Watch out for the new one, "SNOGGO and the Werewolves". Coming soon!
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LOL!!! This is fucking fantastic!! Your description is impeccable and highly stimulating
This is a fucking fantastic read! I am off to read more of SNOGGO's adventures lol,
Thanks for sharing this amazing write
Much love,
xx Katie xx
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Yes, there is something of Will Self there, but not consciously. Walrus and carpenter, no, never read this. Good comment.
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lol....something of a cross between will self and the walrus and the carpenter. i would ask where you get your inspiration from, but you seem to have more than eneough ammo living in this day and age.
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Bookmarked this...damn, what a ride.
Edna your mind is scary, but damn brilliant
Peace Muddy -
Not sure what I expected, but it wasn't this. Quite a creative writer - what an imagination. Good thing the story is over though. not sure where it would lead to after this. Thanks for sharing.
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One word sums it up:
LAWLZZZZZZZ!!!
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SNOGGO will never be nailed to the Cross
Religion and Sex,perfectly in sync!And Jesus wept as He saw SNOGGO in his misery,mail order bride miraculous delivery. Promise of sumptious feast,tiny Jumbo washing his feet with her hair.Mary Magdalen would be proud of this Tender Loving Holy Care.
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