After I leave this lifelessness
to crash the home of worms,
wallow with other immaterial substances,
the sun and moon will bow
in luminous mourning.
They'll bleach these bones,
force them to weep in their
marrow, absorb pithy sighs,
sponge moans of eulogies,
make rock neighbors knock
hallelujah choruses, stretch
root congregations
until they speak in tongues.
Only then, will I reach
for sporangium's quilt,
neatly folded among shifting faults,
and warm myself
when pulverized yesterdays
get lonely and cold.
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Oh my how did you find this piece??? I've forgotten about it. Thanks so much for reading.
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wonderful
You have an eerie feel to this, as if it was written with a quill dipped in fantasy, barely acknowledging reality. It is dark and wise and says truth. I too love the sporangium reference- wouldn't often find that. Lovely poem!!
hugs WolfHeart -
Haven't left yet?
I hear the scream in the seam of self-deprecation’s dream about the end, and just when it’s about to grab the rest of us, we wake at the beginning again, ready to rest – ready to subside on the other side. Love the sporangium reference. ~ EZB -
Hey Red, so glad to hear from you. Glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee
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I absolutely love the vocabulary in this poem. It's a bit abstract which I can rarely occomplish myself though I enjoy this style of writing a lot. Wonderfully dark write.
Red -
Wonderful critique. NO! I don't mind this is what I look for when someone critiques my work. Thank you so much for taking the time
This is very much appreciated.
~Dee -
"other immaterial substances" i think abstracts my thought process away from the imagery employed.
"the sun and moon" brings to mind the yin/yang;feminine/masculine;unconscious/conscious relationship. but i have trouble seeing this vital principle "bowing" to the individual, the ego. (christ, can you tell what i've just been reading?)
the stanzaic break between "bow" and "their luminosity" seems unnecessary. i'd put the break between "morning." and "They" instead. either let the content decide the form, which is what you'd do with this piece, or let the form direct the content (the form can't decide on the content, merely direct it, or channel it).
"absorb pithy sighs" is pretty abstract to me. not sure how to interpret the "sighs", or why they are "pithy".
the colon after "make:" is causing interference for me between this and the following line.
i'd say either "drops of eulogy", "eulogic drops", or "eulogies into drops". somehow there is a small syntactic disconnect with the current phrasing.
the rest of the third stanza is tough for me to digest. not sure how to interpret it.
the final stanza has a good punch in it for me, affects me emotionally to some degree. i think this emotional effect would have been much stronger if the lines 6 through 12 were ommitted altogether:
After I leave this lifelessness,
[] crash the [sightless] home of worms
[and mix among the] substances,
only the sun and moon will [bend]
their luminosity in mourning.
[Then] (for the time dimension) [] will [I] reach for a sporangium quilt
neatly folded among shifting faults
to warm myself when pulverized yesterdays[]
for which I long[] get too lonely and cold.
aye then. there's me four cents. hope you won't mind.
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Sporangium quilt is just plain old dirt. So is pulverized yesterdays. Looking at death differently.
~Dee -
Got this whole picture, except the 'sporangium quilt' (a spore filled blanket?) not sure on that, but you do a great job of reducing the body to DUST..........great brain food, you've served here.
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this seems to come from a very dark place that most of us afraid to tread upon , but you excelled at form and presentation and all that what EXPERTS would consider a flawless yet very morbid and truthful look at what might lie beyond,
Reenie
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A different way of looking at death the decay - not one we usually like to think of. You have written this very well and it gives us something to ponder about.
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I am always drawn toward the morbid and this poem is no exception. You took a simple image of burial and death and created amazing images and eloquent verbage. You have an excellent skill for description and a huge vocabulary that always impress. How about one for cremation? Beautiful as always.
-free -
Thanks Lea.
Dag gone word to or too, I always screw them up.
I liked your suggestion also.
~Dee -
stanza one: oooh the mention of my old screen name (hee hee!) cool
I really like the second stanza, epsecially the words 'pithy', 'luminosity' and 'mourning'. I also like.. well hell I like it all actually.
it's just a preference thing, but in the next stanza I think I'd prefer 'drops' over drips. but whatever you prefer is fine. just thought I'd mention it.
in the last stanza, I liked the word 'sporangium'. hee hee. reminded me of biology
in the last line, you forgot your extra 'o' in the word 'too.
all in all, a good poem. thanks for entering.
Lea
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Thanks Blaze, I'm glad you enjoyed the read. It seems that my dark writes are the more powerful. Hummm wonder what my psyche is tell'n me!
~Dee -
Thanks Malabu, see what a depressed muse can come up with
I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Wow...this is a really good poem, I love the way you use the words...I wish my english was that good
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Amazing poem!!!
A really deep and inspirational write.
Keep up the good work. ( I need to stop quoting my english teacher) lol
Fatally yours,
Shadow xxx -
gee this is another way of looking at death.Morbid~ Is life this bad that we want to proclaim our eternal resting place with a deep hole in the ground be cold and mortified by maggots in the soil rotting of a life once lived?.....This is very vivid to my imaginations...I love the inscriptions this writing has left with my thoughts..very beautifully expressed and with utter class....Poet
Huggs simps..
Malabu
Edited on Aug 27, 7:50 because ''. -
I agree with nicholette there is lots to ponder
in this write of death,
I love the choice of words you have choosen
but then again I always do
Blessings
Tears -
Life is a whisper too
It is life after the life which is said very honesly and very openly too. The thoughts have been made very focused and fearlessly handeled.Generally after life ,if thought,the mystical and fearfull emotions takes control on the mind..The write is very much creatively scripted .The flow of the write is very much impressive and just to the point.I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar -
Brilliant!
A beautiful but deadly style of writing.Death is dignified in your hands though bleached bones and worms keep us close to reality.Imagery is amazing and word usage of high quality.Feel ready to face my Maker. -
Really good stuff. Death is one of my favourite subjects. Check out my group Death Eaters. I love the way this poem has come out. The last verse was realy very good.
I will reach for the sporangium quilt
neatly folded among shifting faults
to warm myself when pulverized yesterdays
for which I have longed, get to lonely and cold.
VERY GOOD JOB! I enjoyed reading it. It never lost my attention. -
very nice write dee with great imagary and quite the deep premise with it. Death is but the completion of a cycle and the beginning of a another. the first stanza starts strong and leads the reader down a wonderful path well done!
love and light
blaze -
hmm this poem kind of confused me at first but you know what i say thats good . . because when a poem makes you think then its accomplished its mission! wel done good work
luv ya, franxox -
Thanks so much jane, you always lift my spirits. I'm glad you enjoyed the read, hope it went well while drinking your coffee Humm coffee...sounds good
~Dee -
Outstanding
'After I leave this lifelessness
and go crash the home of worms
and other immaterial substances,
only the sun and moon will bow'
And fields of the most beautiful poppies will then shine in the sun for you will nourish them, as your words nourish me now, dear poet. You are such a wonderous poet! This is an outstanding example of why! Brava, my dear Dee, Brava!
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Thanks so much Mary, I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Thanks so much Stella, I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
absorb pithy sighs-
Such a great line in a very good poem. Full of great imagery.
M -
This is fantastic I am really impressed there are some really great sounds happening in this piece and some really amazing imagery congratulations on such a creative success
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Thanks Nicolette. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
I think this is the second poem of yours that I've read about death.... A very moving poem that has that lingering quality about it; makes one sit here and ponder the after-life, but also this time called life too. I had to smile about the "neighbours knock hallelujas" - a brilliant line and such a vivid image of skeletons rocking and knocking!! I loved the line "root congregations speaking in tongues" too - wonderful and very creative! Although this is a deep and nostalgic poem, it has a touch of lightness to it too. It adds another dimension to death and burial - wonderful work, Dee!
~ Nicolette
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