I've been hanging around for too long
Counting sheep and milling trees
Among the brilliant haze of longing
For mother, love, and bluer sky.
And what of the sea?
A liar, her fire is submerged
Cold and trapped in a world
of moving solids with current.
And I will come to you
Another face, closed off by mask
And the bitter half smile
Of expectation and up-turned
Sentence.
Stars will have no hold
The sun will blink, just another -
- Burnt out god in a cheap blanket
of heavenly cliche.
Your mind will sleep like caved babies
That I will still crawl up a mountain to see.
Author notes
Written August 25th, 2005
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i love the picture.
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Great
I really liked the images that you were trying to paint with your words here.
Keep on penning. -
What a wonderful background and picture too go with this well written poem - a well packed deal you have given us.
Edited on Feb 05, 10:53 p.m. because ''. -
Looks like we entered the same contest. I've always known Amunet to be as unbiased as possible, so I didn't mind going out of my way to enter something. It was an interesting picture, and I always find it curious, all the different perceptions of the same thing, people can have. Look at the difference in ours, the points of focus. Mine was more along the lines of the tree, and the candle, and the path. But yours was the sea off in the distance, the lovers hands, the sky, and the parent and child center. Almost makes you wonder, if we were looking at that same picture at all, doesn't it?
But this piece, pretty poet, this... Que muy bonita... how very pretty. It has such a dream like quality to it cadence and imagery. Quite romantically predisposed, were you? ^^-^^
You should write like this more often. (~sigh~ yes, I know I'm too easy, what do you want from me?) Anyways, I think one of the reasons I took so well to it, is because it reminded me of one of my favorite writers 'Tanith Lee', she just has this vivid way of painting things with words, giving them a romantic edge, they normally wouldn't have. That's what this reminds me of. In particular, her story 'Biting the sun'. Though I doubt you know of her, it's probably not your thing.
Anyways, the poem itself is interesting, a twisted cloaked thing. Leaves one with the feeling that your hiding things, so of course, you know I have to figure out what your cloaking. It must be something interesting, right? And even from the beginning, you speak of realizing that you've been immersed in this poetic world very heavily for a long time, perhaps too long, you wonder?
But in the second stanza, its almost like you're giving away the 'why', the sea... her? are they linked? A comparison perhaps. A she, that is cold and trapped and burning... and you feel her. Is she your reason for contemplation? The feelings must be strong, to call her a liar. On what, do you challenge her by?
And is it a warning, or just statement of intent to say you will come to her, and cloaked behind mask, or to say you will be as she is, just a statement of fact? What if she is not as hard and cruel, as you see her?
But the next stanza, that is where you give yourself away, your romantic intentions. To say the sky's beauty and the sun's appeal, that you have been reaching for all this time... will no longer hold interest for you, while you're with her... that it all fades to pointless nothing, in her prescence. That's terribly romantic... To have someone love you that much, how I wish...
But still, I loved the way this sounds, this is what I caught on, and tripped as well:
~~Your mind will sleep like caved babies
That I will still crawl up a mountain to see.~~
I adore the way these sound, when spoken out loud. And though, I understand the last line to mean, you would go through great difficulty and obstacles to see her, to be with her. It's the one before I trip on. I love the way that sounds 'caved babies'. I could swear I've heard that before, but I can't remember. Do you mean she sleeps like quiet innocent death? I can't be sure. -
Absolutely spectacular! Hard hitting and I love the metaphors. Rock on! Blessings, Gypsy
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hmmm....
N... -
cute poem reminded me of something, but i'll save that for another time, how was your gig, punk? Did it go well?
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a young popsicle.
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There is always something there that makes a reader glad to have read your work.
Stars will have no hold, the sun will blink, just another -
- Burnt out god in a cheap blanket of heavenly cliche
Most writers on this site couldn’t get a phrase like that together if their life depended on them being poetic. Just wonderful.
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Hello Horus,
Strange piece this one is, all I can talk about is the feeling it gives me. I feel as if its talking about the end of a life and then ........a sorta trying to reach out. Well anyway that's my take, enjoyed the read, nice to see your still at it. -
This is one sweet verse. I loved it.
peace, Kelly -
hmmm...i dunno what the title means...but never the less, a beautiful work...the imagery painted a picture that i could close my eyes and almost see. an excellent piece of poetry. the picture you chose to use tied in very nicely with the message of the poem...plus, it looks cool as h*ll....keep it up...i will be reading more!!
~Kariime~ -
Very beautifully written and great word choice...it used great imagenary and it was an easy read....keep up the great work!
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admirable
ahhhhhhhhh.this was much better.and not at all like a mop. -
Very interesting..... very, very interesting...
This was really good. keep writing, and best of luck in the contest! -
So what, you're going to hypnotize somebody? lol
Interestin poem...'twas mysterious and title is most appropriate...keep writing
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