revision:
As the automatic doors closed in front you,
I marveled how your face looked different behind transparency.
What I saw was not merely your face but
my face on yours.
It was the only time
I believed
we could be beautiful.
And these split-seconds ran
a lifetime in my mind
as the train left exactly at 7,
and I forgot to wave
goodbye.
---
old version:
As the automatic doors closed in front you,
I marvelled how your face looks different behind transparency.
What I saw was not merely your face but
my face on yours.
It was the only time
I believed
we could be beautiful,
and the only time
I believed beauty alone was
not worth stagnancy.
This train leaves exactly at 7.
Author notes
please comment if you click this on the featured box. thanks.
please do tell me which one works better.
Written August 24th, 2005
A contest entry
- Hanging On and Letting Go by LunarKnight.
400 points, ended October 9, 2005, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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i like the revised version better, but i think you should cut the 'as' off the last stanza. it's unnecessary and somewhat confusing. the rest of the poem is quite good.
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I think this is really good, it's sad, but it does have beauty to it. Wonderful job, and keep up the good work.
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thanks for the tip. I'm still tinkering around with the poem. And I'll definitely keep your suggestion in mind. Thanks for the comment.
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i only read the revised version, and overall a good poem. the first line felt a little awkward though. perhaps if written "as the automatic doors closed between us?' this piece packs a lot of punch, good write!
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The automatic doors closed in front you,
I marveled how your face looks different behind transparency.
What I saw
was not just your face but
my face on yours.
The train left exactly at 7
I forgot to wave good-bye
It was the only time
I believed
we could be beautiful.
Just a thought.
Having a good time reading you.
Lisa -
oh ok. maybe you can give me a few pointers other than just stating out something abstract like that. I'm open to revision pointers, since I'm always trying to revise.
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You have the material for a good poem, all you need to do is add a few more solid sequences and remove those tiring phrases which you get to read even in newspaper headlines, or in glossy fashion magazines!
D -
thanks so much.
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It was the only time
I believed
we could be beautiful,
I LOVE THIS LINE! this is a great poem
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Brilliant!
Gut wrenching! in the blink of an eye. -
it is exactly what I'm talking about, but whatever you read there, i intend it, to borrow from Frost. Thanks for the comment.
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Interesting and intriguing, emotion. Left me with the picture of a final goodbye...don't know if that's what you were writing about. Intense in that light.
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aww...so emotional. I could honestly feel the emothion in the poem. Gave me kind of a shiver.
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simple yet so effective...the beauty of your poetry. This painted such a wonderful scene in my mind...of longing, of lust, of romance, of goodbye.
and i must commend you on your title...extremely impressive and fitting
as always im in awe
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I like the way this has been thought out - it is very smart and has been written well so that it is understood. Very beautiful and of course the last line had a great impact - well done.
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Oh I like this piece. I think that I would change the format a little. I would make S1 read like the rest of the stanzas. I also think that in S1 I would make it read more direct. Example: the automatic doors swhished close in front of you. Then go into how you marveled. S1 L3 I would write it: I saw not merely your face. Then go on from there. These are just minor suggestions and this is how I see it.
I enjoyed the brevity of the piece I just love briefness.
~Dee -
Such a beautiful picture my dear. Well penned!!
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Very straight to the point and yet deeply touching. Love the line "We could be beautiful" and of course the ending. Can't help you as for improvement, simply don't make it longer or clarify too much if you choose to revise it, its brevity is part of its appeal. Thanks for sharing.
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bloody brilliant
oh, gods, i love trains. this is has such a subtle intricacy to it: the doors, the reflections on transparent glass... like that thing they have in Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum.. in the optical illusions, I think.
And I love the philosophy here. I'm worrying about my final paper, for philosophy class, and this poem, as I've learned from you, gave me consolation. Existentialism I somehow find synonymous to poetic salvation.. if any.
I'm moved by the last line.. like a blind man by the doorway, asking, "who's there?"; the time you've given is brilliant. The ambiguity shines through. -
thanks for the comment. any points for improvement?
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Running to Catch a Train and the Pain runs on
Oh!This made me shiver,somehow very matter of fact and so sad.The last line just punched me in the stomach.Emotions are running high and the train pulls out and you are gone.Loved it!
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