Inhaling breaths of loneliness, I wait
for you to come and fill the atmosphere.
My life depends on kindliness of fate,
for my own free will led me to despair.
Faith in an eternal love, keeps me here,
whispering in hope that you'll hear my prayer.
It may be only my imagination,
still, these thoughts fill my heart with elation.
Passing through the suffocating air,
gently drying my soft tears that night;
Tenderly you spoke, "It will be alright."
Breathing calms as I embrace sincere care,
I relax and sleep so soundly- content,
in the dream of true love's soothing lament.
Author notes
Hi everyone. This is my first attempt at a Pushkin Sonnet. I really don't know what a Pushkin Sonnet actually entails in terms of staying true to certain content, and techniques, so all I can say is this is the 'form' of a Pushkin Sonnet. It is trochaic meter with ABAB CCDD EFF EGG.
The first stanza I actually used iambic pentameter in lines 2 and four. This is still in the works. I wrote this poem out, and then trying to fit it into the form of this sort of sonnet, was like trying to put a size 6 shoe on a person who takes a size 10 shoe. I am sure you can feel the pinches all over the place in this! I can! I really liked this poem better without the forced fit! I don't really think it was meant for a sonnet
If Shakespear were around, or if my husband(or any highly educated person) were reading this(and he was honest), they would definitely say, (and some would laugh all the way through it), 'this women is definitely not a poet.' That is no revelation to me! I have a history of putting the cart before the horse: claiming to speak spanish before I even heard of it! (five years old). Showing the neighborhood kids how to write the alphabet when I was three even though I had no idea myself...I haven't changed a bit- I'm still a toddler at heart! Just don't let me sell you shoes, or give you any medical advice, and we're good.
(PS any feedback would be great!)
Written August 23rd, 2005
In a list
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9 outta 10
follow the tide and you never get wet;
remember the truth, you shall not forget.
stand by the river and watch where it goes,
look to the moon see how it glows'
a meter means nothin' to measure
but the heaping of treasure
and the same simple pleasure...
write on...write on
the mark of an poet does not always find
the center, always strive for an open view.
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Great job
This looks like it's a little more of a challenging form to write. I think I'll try it sometime.
Personally, I thought you did a pretty good job. My favorite was the last two lines. I think you may have meant to say "love's soothing lament" but I could be wrong. Again, great job. Peace. -
Its fine
I thought you did a bang up job on this one so dont be so harsh on yourself keep up the style you most like and dont be afraid to try something new -
wonderfully done
thank you for sharing this wonderful poem with me. i do not know about this form but i like what you have written. it is beautifull done. i hope the one you are waiting for does rescue you indeed. heck, i hope i get rescued too. thank you for sharing and happy thanksgiving. hope2makeit
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nice work
fanisy realism very creative pease of work many of us in are daly lives exsprence some the things you mentioned very nice piese
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this is absolutely stunning. I love this to death. This reminds me of all the good times I had with my cat before he passed yesterday. Great use of vocabulary! I love this sooooo much.
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i did one of these the other day. onegin stanza. a good piece. way too much information in your author comemnts. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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right- I remember deliberately using some iambic pentameter in there. But some lines I just haven't fixed yet. Thanks for your feedback, and I will discuss it more with you later.
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The first three lines are definitely iambic pentameter, and it seems comfortable to you. The sestet looks more like trocheic pentameter, and that is fine too. The second quatrain flips between iambic and trocheic, to my ear anyway.
LOL I wrote a (not very good) poem about how I dropped the "ce" from peaceseeker.
A friend of mine wrote one called "Sometimes Pity and Final CE Aren't an Option".
allpoetry.com/Poem/639181 -
Hi. hm I can't even remember what meter I intended this in! I will have to look it up. I knew he wrote in iambic tetrameter, but someone from here told me to use I believe trochaic meter- yes- that is what I used as in my authors comments. Can you judge it by that and see how it suites? I think I messed up in places, and it needs to be smoothed out. Once I do that, I will let you know.
Also, I was going to call you peaseeker, haha- it was intuitive, but my logic said, 'nah, that can't be right, lol'. -
I like the poem, and the rhyming is very good. I did a quick study of Pushkin sonnets, and found that he wrote Eugene Onegin in iambic tetrameter, which is neither here nor there.
I think that keeping the same meter throughout would help this poem to flow; I floundered about somewhat finding the stresses. Meter is one of the more difficult aspects of form poetry, and practice makes perfect.
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Yep
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read my comment below which I must have been writing at the same time you were writing your's, lol
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It wasn't intentional to have it read as yu read it- but from the beginning I realized it could be read that way, and I saw irony in it. Soothing is supposed to read as a verb, not as an adjective, but it doesn't work.
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Yeah, I first thought it was missing punctuation there. A semicolon then? That'd work
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no. my husband said that too. I even put it in there, but it wasn't right. I guess a comma might work though. It's a stumbling block. I am going to change it- just haven't figured out yet how.
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Ah, as it is intentional then it is a good poetic device to grab the attention Just needs some smoothing out in spots. For instance I presume you meant 'love's soothing lament': possessive?
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yes that lines exasperates me- but I will explain it to you sometime. Life is contadictory, sigh.
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Well, I have no idea how a 'Pushkin Sonnet' should be either, but this is a good poem, Duana With a little tweaking it can be very good.
A Russian friend (on another forum) told me once that Pushkin didn't really translate well into English.. too many nuances were lost.
sp, "alright": 'all right'
The second stanza needs some rewording, I think.
e.g. 'in the dream of true love's soothing lament'
Seems contradictory for a 'lament' to be 'soothing'?
~G
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this was beautiful and the words really resonate with me.Bravo and a joy to read.I love the angst interwoven.~Natari
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First I love the content. I am very impressed. When we are filled with loneliness and pain (I can relate to those), it's faith in His love and purpose and hope that sees us through. Breath is a wonderful analogy. As far as meter goes, I'm terrible at it, so I cannot comment. The rhyme scheme works well and does not seem forced to me. The only word that seems a bit forced is atmosphere, but I'd be hard pressed to come up with a better word. Personally, I would not change a word.
Edited on Aug 24, 7:56 because ''. -
Duana, you will know how useless I am with meter and such, but I shall still try here and let you see what I have noticed about your poem.
First Stanza ... I notice you have written this in pentameter, the 7th line of your first stanza you have 11 syllables instead of ten?
Second Stanza, the first two lines have nine syllables whereas the others in that stanza have ten ... perhaps this is how this particular form should be. I am ignorant of this form anyway, but I have just mentioned what I noticed about your poem.
I love the theme of your poem, you always carry your reader through your work feeling satisfied at the end because of a good read.
Well Done!
~Katie~
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Meter, altogether is good. I think I'm beginning to see what you're struggling with and, in some aspects, you're right and wrong.
You are a poet. Simpletons who know nothing of poetry couldn't do such a thing as this. Look at the fields you've already crossed!! Here, there is obvious melody: you're meter has come so far. There was a time when you had no clue of anything in meter.
Your writings are becoming more and more profound (read your first few writes compared to your latest). I think you've just hit one of those spells where you don't feel like you're getting anywhere (and those spells, however long they may last [I've had some mighty long ones], always prove to grow us best!)
Where I think you're going with your frustration... You don't want to be another poet ("AP Jargon"), you want to be your own voice. You want to stand out... not for vainglory; that isn't what I mean... You want to recognize yourself with a unique voice, one that sings "Poetry" as when you read a poem that fills you with those thrills that only that poem can fill you with? Tell me if I'm on the wrong track... but think about it. When it comes down to it, is that what you're really looking for?? I'd love to start working with you on phrasing. I never have tried to help anyone in that area... but I think, with some persistance, we can do this. Why phrasing?? That's where everything lies! That's why a poet such as Frost, though quite simple in his vocabulary compared to the most, rings louder than any other. That's what gives us a distinct voice. What do you say??
Oh yes the poem
(I'm such a dork). Your meter did fluctuate to iambs sometimes when I think you intended trochees (I could be incorrect) but the point is, you jumped to another meter. Good going!!
Get back with me asap.
- Cor -
Thanks for the suggestion! I definitely will! And it is really great to hear from you again after months I believe!
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Thanks Morbid! I am glad you liked it.
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Thanks for the suggestion! I definitely will! And it is really great to hear from you again after months I believe!
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RILKEAN
Read Rilke, Read Rilke, Read Rilke, Read Rilke... you will be soooo glad you did... He is your kindred spirit... I loved the "Surreal Rescue"... since it rescued me from what is for the most part the astonishing drivel on AP...THANK YOU FOR THAT... rut -
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I just out that my best friend from high school's favorite poet is....Rilke, and guess what...we were like kindred spirits. Anway, I noticed in my account log that someone read this poem this week, so I came back to it and stumbled on your comment- a timely coincidence.
Do you know anywhere online that Rilke's "The Visionary" can be found online?
Duana -
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Trust you found this
over the months... hope all is well... rut
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Inhaling breaths of loneliness, I wait
for you to come and fill the atmosphere.
My life depends on kindliness of fate,
for my own free will led me to despair.
i loved that beginnign, and the rest wasnjust as good.. keep it up, awesome awesome job! *claps loudly*
though sad.. the emotion in this pokes me in the bellybutton,and irks me to no end.. i've felt this way before..... pelase dont stop writing.
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misselaineous, I almost want to give you a hundred points for that applause you gave me. That's how much I appreciated it, and how sweet I thought it was! So, thanks!
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