Once I was the apple of your eye
The fool that became, as one does,
A silly man who fell for love’s cry
Once I was the apple of your eye
But now you’ve found another guy
Memories begin fading of what was
Once I was the apple of your eye
The fool that became, as one does
Author notes
I’m not sure about this one. I am torn as to keep it or not. I guess it depends on what kind of feedback I get.
This is a Triolet. It falls in the formed scheme of ABaA abAB. A very dear friend of mine turned me onto these and I only hope to do her justice with each one I pen. Thanks Susan!
Written August 22nd, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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Well, to be honest, you got one terrific triolet here
You really did justice to the whole form, except that you turned around 'once' and 'I' in forth line... as far as I know, they must be exactly the same... however, I can be wrong, but I learned them that way 
Very well done
Leander -
Short however well expressed!enjoyed
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First let me express my ignorance. I have no clue what a triolet is so I really cant comment on form. I found some of the words to be a bit trite, but this may be as you intended (fading memories, apple of your eye) Overall, though, it was emotional and easy to relate to. It has a flow that makes it easy to read and feel. It isnt a poem that goes, "Zing" for me, but it is one I enjoyed reading.
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Interesting, how you incorporated a little twist in the traditional triolet form. It served you well. I now see how you are beginning to "personalize" the triolet in you.
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I thought this was sad but sweet. And if it was me Id keep it but then again Im just a hoarder
I enjoyed reading this John.
Mia
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John, It is nice to see others still writing the old forms, I have written a few triolets and even an expanded triolet, they are fun but tough to do well. Edna says that lost love poems are two a penny ,but for those writing them and with the feelings still fresh they are worth a lot more than that. I have a triolet that I wrote going onto my wedding invitations. I like the form for many reasons, the structure is rigid but at the same time they feel less rigid when finally written and read. Enjoyed this John...peace
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Read your author's comment...get rid of it. It sucks.
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Fun to read
I'm glad I read this. I like poems that are short/sweet it's a nice style. That's very eloquent for an angst poem, I liked it. -
I liked stanza 1. Then I found stanza 2 annoying. However, the theme's OK, even if not exactly original! Lost loves are sadly two-a-penny - after a few years they fade away like a memory of a good burp.
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Wow, that was really simple but really beautiful!
--Trillian =P -
very sweet nice rythem
You are blessed to have the memory of a lost love fade away. I still love every lover I've ever been blessed with. Well done, simple, straightfoward. I love the form and your use of it -
Most of all i love the style you wrote this in...it is very beautiful...and passionate about a love lost. Great job on this keep up the amazing work!!
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This is my second time to read a triolet. I must say it is really very interesting. The first was a poem by kirbysman, and now that I've read yours, I must confess that I am hooked! I want to write triolets too, and perhaps someday very soon, I shall be experimenting with the style. A good job with this, more power to your writing!
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Nicely Done
Wow! I like this one alot! The emotion in it is clearly visible and I like the form. I think it's a problem that looots of people can relate to. Keep it up! You should definately keep it!
~Michael -
i enjoyed reading this very much!!!
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Great write! I can sort of relate..but in a girls way.
But then again to Love is to Hate.
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I like this! I always enjoy reading forms with which I'm not too familiar. While this is simple, it still speaks of a happy time cut too short!
Excellent work, and keep being challenged! -
When I see poets like you writing triolets, and others I respect writing cinquains and haiku I feel like the guy who never took guitar lessons but learned to play by ear. That's not a bad thing, just an observation. At any rate I checked the definition of a triolet and you are, as paralegals say when they find the perfect case law to support their need, on point. But you are more then technically on point. You give "once" an aroma that only one who is more than a technician can.
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I like the form here, it is effective at bringing the central idea across, the loss of affection, however I can't help but feel the 4th line emphasises the phrase "apple of your eye" to a point where it is repetitative. The language is well chosen, very moderate, and in being moderate comes across as well rounded, educated; but not pretencious. All in all an enjoyable experience to read, something I seem to be able to rely on when I read your work.
Edited on Aug 23, 1:38 because 'typos'. -
not bad
This is intriguing, but I have serious reservations about this line:
The fool that became as one does
It doesn't seem to make sense to me. Became is a transitive verb and requires an object, but "as one does" doesn't work there as an object. Therefore, the line doesn't make sense. I would be curious to know what you meant by it, of course, but I would also advise changing the line. Otherwise, this is fine, all in all.
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excellent
Nicely done!!
Poem is in perfect form and expressed clearly. I think you should keep it. Job well done.
BRAVO!!!! -
very good
A very smoothly written triolet with no loss due to the refrains.
Nicely done.
Talia -
Hi, I like this very much and yes it works well, I really must try this form ,it is very interesting, an enchanting write with that bitter sweet feel, great, all the best, hugs Di
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ive seen the triolet forms written before but to me i doubt that id attempt one but with this write the form was excuted very nicely and spoke volumes so keep up the good work and see ya around
Rae -
John -
first off quit giving me credit!
You have done a splendid job again. I love the wording you have used here and the flow.
It does not feel repetitive or stilted. You have chosen a great refrain line that works in each instance.
Bravo my friend.
Susan -
I one day will check out this form cause it was so beautiful John and you did it justice and I am sure Susan agrees. Take Care and Be Safe, Catressa
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this is good. you should keep it. it has so much emotion and despair. i like it alot. and not all poetry needs to be classified. it can just sit in the mist of it's own world. sometimes those are the best. this is great. thanks for sharing and keep up the good work. i can feel your pain of being a lost memory.
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This is an excellent triolet! I really enjoyed it and think your form was right on the money. I just posted my first ever triolet the other day so it was great to see another one on here. Great write!
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i'm not sure about this poem either. the use of the word 'guy' sort of ruins it for me. It just doesn't fit the sadness you are trying to establish. I also find this a bit vague and ambiguous as well but that's my problem with stylized pieces, you are forced not to say what you actually want to. although I suppose you can look at it the other way and say that it is forcing you to simplify and analyze your emotions. anyways. i've liked others you've written much better. mel.
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Thank you for introducing the triolet, I'd never heard of this form before. It is lovely. I found the repeating and slightly altering refrain of Once I was the apple of your eye, I once was the... and Once I was... to be very novel, looking at it again the title of Once reinforces that pattern, reinforcing the sense of loss. My goodness, what a good poem!
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well, i think that this is awsome work, good job.
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Wow! I wasn't expecting the words that I read and my heart goes out to you. I appreciate how you were able to get your emotions across without any bitterness or signs of resentment-but rather you accepted it and hopefully are able to move on. Heartbreak does leave us wounded, but the sting of it does fade in time. You deserve a very special someone and I'm sure she's out there. I'll be praying for you. ♥ vj
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I say keep it also!!!!we all have our bad loves on our way to the real true one,nice job dont let the pen run out of ink .
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KEEP IT, its a great poem!!!!
Its short sweet and to the point, very nice.
It flowed very well and the rhyming scheme is great.
Well done
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I say KEEP IT!!! It works! It first the form nicely and damned if you didn't say quite a lot in just these few lines. No way should you toss this out with the bath water. Shame on you for even considering it!
Geez Sweet Cheeks!! I thought I was the anal one! You did good Hun. Leave it!
♥ Kimberly -
bravo
KEEP IT! It is great to see a bitter sweet triolet!
I have a 2 triolets and tried writing others bitter sweet, but the form seems to want to try so hard to be romantic.
The sweetness comes from the affection shown in the poem. The refrain creates the impression that the speaker is still in love.
Very well done! I would applaud, but I only have 4 pts, and I'm out for applauds for today.
rather than applaud. I'll go comment on another poem of yours. how is that? -
OOH i'm gonna have to have a play with triolets now. I love the phrase love's cry, its very vivid. Great write
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Oh man, had you thought about the day she would leave you, you'd have been better prepared...
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Sweet
I think you should keep it. It is short, but some poems are better that way and I think this is one of them; it's still nice and flows really well together. I like the rhyming scheme and the repitition of the lines- they work well together. And the repitition conveys the emotion quite well. -
I don't think I have ever read a sad triolet before. You have inspired me to write my o0wn.
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Short, sweet and to the point. I like it like that, although I don't think it would be bad to reference the sweetness of an apple as Angelindiskyz suggested.
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This is sad
the repetition of certain words adds to the strength of the poem. Thanks very much for sharing this, it is short and sweet.
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very beautiful write... it flowed wonderfully and tugs very gently at my heart strings... there is a lot of emotion in this one... and i love all of it... wonderful... amazing... magnificent.. bravo...
AC -
John, this is too short a piece to have had such an effect on my heart and my eyes. You are one of the dearest people on this board, and your words always move me! Love and hugs, Patricia ♥
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I think you can definitely expand on this one, John!! Maybe referencing some descriptions of an apple - how it tastes - the sweetness of it - like you once felt about this person. Just a suggestion - but I like it so far.
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