Squirrels in the trees
Jump, leap, and glide merrily
Dancing with the leaves
Author notes
I made this up in class for a haiku assingment. My teacher really liked it, and I do too.
Written August 20th, 2005
A contest entry
- Prewrite Mania 3 by Celticmoon.
800 points, ended May 27, 2008, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I think this piece would work better as such:
Squirrels,
jumping,
leaping,
gliding;
merrily dancing
in the trees.
Just something to think about as I feel this would bring a stronger image. Normally I would not suggest the usage of so many 'ing' words but for this piece it would work. Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you.
Blessings
Bel
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Cool!
I like Squirrels
~thorn1
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Commentary
This has a very good innocence of a feel to in such a sway that the reader can simple revert back to the memories of that time in happiness while they were kids themselves -
LET ME KNOW IF YOU ADD TO THIS PLEASE, VERY GOOD,
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way way way awesome
wow, you got a lot of comments. and all well deserved. having fun on allpoetry? cuz i am. i especially love the last line, it is a great poem! -
uplifting
i can imagine your teacher liking this. it's about nature and it has 17 syllables. that's about all a teacher would want from a haiku...
it's sweet... the first and third line are excellent. they set up and conclude this haiku in a very good manner.
if you wanted to improve it, there would only be one line to change. that would be the second line. jump and leap are the same thing. that's a weakness. "merrily' is an opinion, and opinions are not really valued in good haiku.
the rest of the poem is excellent..
if you decide to revise this poem let me know...i would be interested in seeing what you come up with.
i don't know how old you are. i'm judging this poem as if you were an adult. it is good as it is, but it could be excellent, with a little more thought and observation.
i hope i haven't been too harsh.
you show talent, that's whay i have made my response so long. i hope you are well and happy...
al the best on your poetry path,
myron -
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I'm sorry, you've made some mistakes, too. Jump and leap are not the same thing. Jumping is up and down, while staying in pretty much the same place. Leaping is a lot like jumping, which must be where you made the mistake. Leaping is jumping, but at the same time moving forwards. And have you ever watched squirrel for even a short period of time? If you have, you most likely would agree that 'merrily' is the right way to describe them....unless you got some sort of weird squirrel. I probably won't ever revise this poem because I like it just the way it is. I hope I haven't been to harsh. ; )
Squirrelgirl
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A very light-hearted poem. Indeed we could all stand for a little leaf chasing.
John -
This is cute and light-hearted. Very enjoyable moment.
Thanks for sharing!
Charishma -
This is cute. Your syllable count and form are pretty much on target...keep up the great work.
Squirels are indeed great fun to watch..they keep destroying my bird feeders in my trees...sigh.....lol
LIZ
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