But awed by life's illusion, truth takes hold
The key, to one-another's happiness;
So wearied by neglect my dreams cry Hold!
Sweet memories fade to bitter loneliness.
Your love was born of better love than me,
Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear
But died amidst the joy you taught to me,
And the hopelessness I wear when you're not here.
This vista's mirror mars my shattered dreams,
Sad bleeding figments spread and festered full,
With words that glisten stripped of hope; it seems
That promises mean little after all.
Though life was pled these lessons through long years:
Your dreams compel me further than my fears.
Author notes
[Shakespearean Sonnet]
Written August 19th, 2005
In a list
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1 - 49 of 49
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cexee. you can control the order they appear in the list.
I put this one towards the bottom because it is contained almost vertabim inside "This Dream of Love" which is a 4 sonnet cycle (also posted).
This sonnet is the source inspiration for sonnet #2 in This Dream of Love.
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heh ok so it wasnt the first one, i swear i thought these things went in order but whatever its close right
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oh here we go again with people not understanding the meanings of things and again I totally know what you meant. Maybe its just me and you who are on the same page here, hmmmmm. David I particularly read this first posted sonnet to see what improvement you have made over time and this one blew me out of the water as your most recent. I can say this I will eventually read all of your sonnets and in time all of your writes. Very well done!
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Your dreams compel me further than my fears
-This line is gorgeous. All poetry should testify with the same vigor and conviction contain in this one sentence. Well done. You actually make me want to write a sonnet, as this is defintiely one of the better ones I've seen on this site. Best of luck in the contest, and please feelf ree ot read some/all of my own poetry on this site.-Curtis Meyer -
This was quite an undertaking you've taken upon yourself. It turned out pretty good considering the degree of difficulty.
I sound like the guy at the high diving trials!LOL
Actually I like it, but I think you have some very good info and feedback from some of the other commentors, as my knowledge of this type of writing is almost nil.
Regards, John
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abernaith: excellent comments.
I agree with removing quotes around 'hold'. I will change that. Originally I didn't have them... and then I added the... but I think capitalizing it better. (this is a minor point in any event as it has no bearing on meaning or reading).
To say "born to" would be somewhat more specific as you said. However one of the things I'm trying to do is make the line ambiguous between several different meanings. In this case you have come up with a new interpretation that I have never thought of before.
" that the beloved's parents, whoever they are, loved the beloved better than the speaker ever can."
Which is not something I had in mind, but I'm glad you could get that meaning.
the meanings I am going for are:
1: she treats her current lover (her love) more gently than me, and holds him up to a lower standard than me. (she loved him better from the start (birth) of their relationship. i.e. she is being unfair to me.
2: her standards of love are so high than I can not achieve them (i.e. born of pride, born of greed, "born of better love than me")
3: her current partner's love for her is "better" then me. (he underestimates her, expects LESS from her than I do, and holds her in lower esteem than I do).
4: she demanded more from me than I demanded of her.
5: other meanings.. sometimes opposite of the above.
In the end I'm trying to make the line in intentionally ambiguous. But I do believe that 'of' is a better word than 'to' for the meanings I truly am going for.
I am not trying to say that I am not good enough. Because I certainly believe I am.
"Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear, "
the fire is anger or passion, sorrow's fear, is the fear of losing everything or the fear of not living up to anothers expectations, the fear of betrayal, the fear of physical violence from a jealous ex-spouse. From that fear, came the fire which shaped and hardened her "love" or "me" depending on how you choose to interpret it, because both meanings can apply.
It is one single image, not 2 seperate images.
"That died amidst the joy you taught to me
And the hopelessness I bear when you're not here. "
this line is intentionally ambiguous. depending on what you interpret "your love" to mean, this line can refer to "Your love" or it can refer to "Sorrow's fear" dying.
In any event... BOTH died, depending on their interpretation. Her love for me died and sorrow's fear died.
The joy and the hopelessness were always there. unfortunately.
the hinted at meaning that joy died is also intentional. joy did die. The line implies "you taught me joy, and then joy died". (hrmm maybe I'll use that line in a poem).
In a subtle way the hopelessness also died. that is a secondary meaning.
"This vista's mirror mars my shattered dreams,
Sad bleeding figments spread and fester full
With words that glisten stripped of hope"
it is a metaphore. The vista is all the we can see in life. The vista is life. I am the mirror. A reflection of life. my sdream is SHE.. or 'me and she together', or the 'idea of us'. that dream is shattered. 'marring' is obscuring or altering it or damaging it. The "figments" are the pieces (or fragments) of that dream. If I said fragments that would imply the mirror is shattered. It was an intended secondary meaning.. but not primary. the figments 'bleed' because we are trapped in that dream and forever wounded and bleeding. The words (we know which words of which I speak) glisten, because they are gold but also because they are wet with tears and blood. Promises mean nothing because here we are. notwithstanding our promises. But also, blind faith in promises are what lead us to this place. Deeds must back up words.
"Though life was plead these lessons through long years:"
If I beg something of you, I am "begging you". plead and beg mean almost the same thing. in this sense I mean that the lessons were begging or pleading with life for a long time.
What they were pleading is not explicitly stated. It is implied.
they were pleading this anger, run, FIRE, bleeding shards of glass, broken promises, bitter memories, lost hope.
In less I'm mistaken the past tense of 'plead' is 'plead'
just like 'read' and 'read'.. whoops I am mistaken. I just looked it up. It is 'pled'. I shall fix that now.
thanks for your comments.
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I didn't get the significance of the image. LOL, nevermind that--never was much into abstract art. I'd rather read the words anyway..
This poem was certainly something different from the "Shakesperean sonnet" I normally read. "Modernizing" the form can be difficult, what with its notoriously challenging length and form. It's nice to see someone attempt to do it though, and with a popular subject--love, of all things!, as it can be a useful experiment to learn from.
Some things to consider:
I don't think you need to put "hold!" in single quotation marks. In old poems I've read (though I can't be too sure if I ought to refer to Shakespeare too) simply the word is enough. Perhaps you ought to consider something like this:
"So wearied by neglect that dreams cry Hold!--" (With regards to the colon, I just have this feeling that it seemed awkward, or perhaps 'modern' instinctively--that's my opinion. Whether or not you think it as well is up to you.)
"Your love was born of better love than me;"
I read your comment about the definitions you mentioned about "born". For your convenience, here they are
1. "Brought into existence; created"
2. "Having from birth a particular quality or talent"
3. "Destined, or seemingly destined, from birth"
Still, I don't quite understand why you chose to use "born of", esp. when "born to" would make much more logical sense particularly to the def. #3. The way I understand "born of" is that it means 'to be born out of *such and such*', viz. "born of hate", "born of pride", "born of hope". But, in your line, "born of better love than me" only implies to me that the beloved's parents, whoever they are, loved the beloved better than the speaker ever can.
"Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear"
I am undecided about my feelings towards this line. Somehow, I can't relate to the phrase "sorrow's fear". To me, it's like two exclusive emotions clashing together. And I'm not too sure whether or not a comma between fire and wrought ought to be considered. I've just got this feeling that it would seperate the two images better, since for me "hard-forged of fire" and "wrought in sorrow's fear" are mutual but exclusive ideas. Unless of course you would consider changing it to "hard-forged in fire wrought from sorrow's fear"...then the line, to me at least, would make more sense.
"That died amidst the joy you taught to me"
I think it would be best to remove "to", since the preposition isn't really needed. I wonder also about your use of "amidst". Do you mean perhaps that the love you speak about dies "surrounded" by joy taught by the beloved? Or, did you mean the love dies -along- with the joy taught?
"This vista's mirror mars my shattered dreams,
Sad bleeding figments spread and fester full"
Now, considering that you used "mirror", the "shattered dreams" seem more like "fragments" than "figments". But considering that you used dreams, then "figments" would have been excusable since the "dreams" are merely reflected/marred by the mirror. BUT you had to use "shattered" to describe the dreams, and followed this phrase with "figments" in the next line, when "figments" ought not to be implicated with such an adjective as "shattered" considering that it is often used in phrases such as "figment of the imagination" (sort of 'typecasting' the word 'figment' into something of evanescent qualities)--and this just confuses the whole imagery for me!
"With words that glisten stripped of hope; it seems"
I think a comma or two would serve your purpose better.
Lastly,
"Though life was plead these lessons through long years:"
I think a comma would do better than a colon, as the latter would only suggest that the following line is directly identified with "lessons". Moreso, I don't quite understand the arranement of the words. In part.:"Though life was plead". I don't get this at all. Unless, of course, you meant "pledge" instead. In which case, the line would go "Though life was pledged to these lessons throughout the long years:", which makes better sense to me and compliments the next and final line rather nicely.
It would be nice to respond with an explanation to this line, to enlighten me perhaps on its meaning.
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Though life was plead these lessons through long years:
Your dreams compel me further than my fears.
I loved that ending line,
I can not pick this apart..
This gave some great pondering thoughts
Blessings
Tears
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and I didn't even get into the meaning of the mirror and the vista... how a dream which is "shattered" could be further "marred", and why I said bleeding FIGMENTS rather than bleeding FRAGMENTS. Or who's promises seem to mean nothing.
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'hold' from line 1 and 'hold' from line 3 are not the same word. They are hononyms. In the first instance 'hold' means 'grasp', in the second instance it means 'stop'.
Since these words literally have a different meaning, the duplication of rhyme is acoustically and functionally no more repetetive than using the syllable 'ness' twice. Or using any 2 syllable word with a duplicated last syllable.
using the word 'me' instead of 'mine' is intentional. It makes clear the true message of the poem, while hinting at a subtle (and somewhat contrary) mundain meaning.
The terms 'your love' need not only refer to 'your emotion called love', but also 'the person whom you love'.
the word 'born' has many different meanings. It may mean
"Brought into existence; created"
"Having from birth a particular quality or talent"
"Destined, or seemingly destined, from birth"
it is the past participle of the word 'bear' which means:
# To hold up; support.
# To carry from one place to another; transport.
# To carry in the mind; harbor: bear a grudge.
# To transmit at large; relate: bearing glad tidings.
# To have as a visible characteristic: bore a scar on the left arm.
# To have as a quality; exhibit: “A thousand different shapes it bears” (Abraham Cowley).
# To carry (oneself) in a specified way; conduct: She bore herself with dignity.
# To be accountable for; assume: bearing heavy responsibilities.
# To have a tolerance for; endure: couldn't bear his lying.
# To call for; warrant: This case bears investigation.
# To give birth to: bore six children in five years.
# To produce; yield: plants bearing flowers.
# To offer; render: I will bear witness to the deed.
# To move by or as if by steady pressure; push: “boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past” (F. Scott Fitzgerald).
The meaning is 'the person (whom you love) was "born of better love (the emotion) than me": seemingly destined to recieve from you BETTER love than I received, perhaps deserved better love than I recieved, or merely was given an easier time of it... depending on what the word "BETTER" means.
All the while making it seem like I am denigrating my own capacity to love.
When when exactly did the person whom you loves become 'your love'.. that is the when 'your love' was "born". And that "love" for HIM is better than the love held for ME. That is the message.
The remainder refers to the love she felt for the speaker.
"Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear,"
where her love for the speaker was born/grew.
"That died amidst the joy you taught to me
And the hopelessness I bear when you're not here. "
Where her love for the speaker died.
The final couplet says essentially.. notwishstanding all that the speaker's love is unconditional.
so superficially it says.. "I didn't love you enough, and now I've lost you". (fairly routine message.. not completely childish, but simple enough for the masses to appreciate)
the deeper meaning is : "you didn't know how to love me. You loved me poorly or unfairly or in an inferior way to the way you now love "your love". And having learned how to love you've left me and found some one else. but I love you anyway and always will. You taught me joy. I am beyond the fear of losing you, and will pursue your dreams forever even though it defies logic and reason, even unto the time that memory fades and only bitter emptiness is left (i.e. death). But I do it unfearing. I do it for unconditional love. If we can not BOTH be happy, then at least ONE of us will be (one or other's happiness)"
so.. In answer to your question 'me' is intentional.
the speaker holds his love (the emotion) to be perfect and unfaltering love.
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Very nice
A very nice poem indeed. I wish you the best with it.
Joyce
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ps, not sure about the doble use as rhyme the word hold, sorry forgot to put it in,
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Hi 5th line I still think it should be mine not me I spoke this over last time with the prof, said I had a good point, you ignored this comment last time for some reason, lol, like the sonnet but that still grinds me, hugs Di
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I love Shakespear,a matter I have the complete works by him. Anyway beautifully written in his style of writing. You should be very proud.
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Really good poem. A bit difficult though, but you can really write well.
These lines were really good-
Sweet mem'ries fade to bitter emptiness.
Your love was born of better love than me
Carry on writing. -
Well done. It is a great opus of power. Tony.
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Wow... This is powerful. True love will always render fear powerless. This seems to depict romantic love, but the same is true for other kind of love as well. Very nicely done.
--Jocelyn -
well 'Shakespearean Sonnet' is the name commonly used for a sonnet which uses the rhymming scheme abab cdcd efef gg. I don't think this is a facsimile of Shakespeare. I would not deign to even try to emulate shakespeare. I'd make a mockery of both of us.
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Splendid
I have always been a Shakespeare Fan. I like anything resembling it and this was a good facimile there of. This is a perfect colloquy of deeply wounded, saddened and broken love. -
people of all faiths feel spiritual, and yet they all claim that only their religion holds the truth and all other religions are false (and probably quick roads to eternal suffering and damnation).
the obvious theory to explain this is that spirituality comes from within.
It should not be suprising that verses which are spiritual within biblical texts align with spiritual texts from other non religious sources. What is suprising is that so little within the bible is spiritual. Most religious people get by without ever reading the entire bible.
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Not too shabby!
Well, some of your rhyme and meter was off a little bit, but overall it was a good poem. I do like the idea of that last line- it's actually a biblical idea! "Perfect love casteth out fear"... Hmm- for someone who doesn't like religion very much, you sure seem to come close to it! -
Nice very nice, truly a dark piece, really reaches a part of your mind that hits the dark and mysterious part of the soul. It really felt this poem I liked it alot, great job.
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The imagery in this piece is excellent! I love the line "Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear". If I were judging the contest you would win!
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this was a well worded write.
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this was a beautifully written poem with good. Reminds of the illusions made by love. Keep it up!!
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Great, theres -nothing- left for me to say.
Ill just say, I also find it to be a work of art and go.
Oh, and good luck in my contest!
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This is beautiful. I could feel the bitterness and fear all through it. The sonnet is a difficult poem to master, and I feel you did a really good job with this one.
I especially liked this quattrain:
"Your love was born of better love than me,
Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear,
That died amidst the joy you taught to me
And the hopelessness I bear when you're not here. "
There is something absolutely heartbreaking about it. Excellent job. beautiful. -
that is such a great poem. your so talented. great job pulling me into the poem!!!
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Excellent.
You are really quite talented. Keep it up. -
I applauded your comment. I'm thinking of changing the couplet anyway... but you are right.. it was anachronistic. I believe a poem should be in a specific style. It is ugly to mix dialects of english together.
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this is really good! I like it alot! ~~~~~~~Jamie
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This was amazing. I completly felt the emotions you must have been feeling when you wrote this. It was so vivid and sad and beautiful and true all at the same time. I loved this. I'm book marking it and adding you to my favorites!
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GREAT!
i really felt this 1- good job! you deserve my applause. -
good job
Your cheering section has validated this, so I wonder if I dare make any comment that isn't fulsome praise? In line 13, you've used a form of the verb do in front of another form, an archaism, and it detracts from what would otherwise be a nearly perfect sonnet. Anyway, all in all, this is a great write. -
This poem is beautiful, very dark. This flows wonderfully and this poem is very descriptive. Fantastic job, this is a work of art.
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I absolutely love this sonnet. You have some deeply enticing phrase here. Piercing content. I can offer little in terms of critique as even the slight tweaks in meter only add to this one. So I will not gush on but have to say, one of my favorites.
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Cool, you have a justification, not just a blind need to cut, will go and see the variety of layouts.
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I don't normally seperate the quatrains. In fact this is my only sonnet which I have seperated the quatrains. Look at my list and you shall see that I use a variety of layouts. In this poem I seperated the quatrains because I felt each was one of the "lessons" referred to in the couplet.
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My personal prejudice, why do so many separate their quatrains, is not the sonnet meant to have great coherance, be one whole. I dont't generally agree with exact repetitions. End of rant.
However this is stil a very good poem. What raises above the ordinary is the complexity of some of the emotion. Like "Your love was born of better love than me" and "Sad bleeding figments spread and fester full " and "Your dreams have drawn me further than my fears.
". I felt less satisfied at lines like "And hopelessness I bear while you're not here" and "The keys to one and other's happiness". If you reworked it and carried on the complexity, the argument, as demostrated by the stronger lines, I think the poem could be more emotionally affecting and intellectually very interesting.
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your word choice is just beautiful... I really enjoyed this one in a very viceral manner. It brought me visions and scents and feelings. Nice work, excellent write.
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Keep it up!
Whoa! It took me quite a few reads to understand the true meaning. This is a mark how developed your poems are. You can really use words well. These lines were really good-
Your love was born of better love than me,
Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear,
That died amidst the joy you taught to me
And hopelessness I bear when you're not here.
Well done! -
"even if she is gone for good"
was she ever really there at all? -
I hope that the dreams of the lover have made him strive harder , even if she is gone for good. It should make him a better man, and keep on striving for something else, someone else, etc. Very fluid and easy to read. Well done.
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This is a very deep poem. It flows very well and has a great ring to it.
Your love was born of better love than me,
Hard forged of fire wrought from sorrow's fear,
That died amidst the joy you taught to me
And hopelessness I bear when you're not here.
I really liked that, it just seemed so well written. You did a great job. Keep writing. -
this was quite the write david as usual your structure and form is impeccable
love and light
blaze -
Dear David,
Personally, I would say "most" of the crap! I lked this. It is rather "blue" than "dark". Well, maybe "dark blue"!
The narration is not as circuitous as in most of the things I'm accustomed to seeing in a lot of angst things. Kept me on course till close.
Again, nice goings on here.
Chins up!
John-Las Vegas, Nevada -
what a wonderful write! I really enjoyed this. you are very talented. keep up the good work
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"this poem is better than a lot of crap" I'll take that as a compliment.
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amazing
i loved this poem so much. you have an extensive vocabulary and you use it well...its brilliant. you should be very proud. i can feel every line. this poem is better than a lot of crap the published authors write. great great job!
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