O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
and flash against the backdrop of my thoughts
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Dissolve the soughing haze that clings to all my dreams
and wraps confusion round my spinning soul.
Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust.
Release creative flow like prismed floods
that sweep stagnation from my standing sense.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds.
Lift the heavy doubt that cowers thick and close,
a fog that saturates in vapid shades of gray
and wraps confusion round my spinning soul.
Reach through this cacophonic mental din
and seed within my harried understanding
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Sweep a translucent wind throughout my psychic planes,
infused with temperate airs to clear the cotton mist,
a fog that saturates in vapid shades of gray.
Defrost the ice and snow from all my fields,
the winter-scapes within that numb perception.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds.
Return decayed ideas to elemental drift
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath
infused with temperate airs to clear the cotton mist.
Connect me to the place where light is born,
from where it swells to crest in consciousness
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Part confusion from conceptions fallen dead,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath.
Restore the waters of my inmost lands,
so that my springs will flow with apprehension.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Sing to me invention, and help me learn to heed.
Dissolve the soughing haze that clings to all my dreams,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties.
Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust.
Author notes
featured in:
Art Arena's World Poems : www.artarena.force9.co.uk/thomas3.htm
to learn more about the hybridanelle: allpoetry.com/Column/1086828/all=1
Written August 14th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 86 of 86
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Debashish:
like these?
and seed within my harried understanding
...
the winter-scapes within that numb perception
...
from where it swells to crest in consciousness
...
so that my springs will flow with apprehension
besides, your words here demonstrate that you haven't been through the other structured poems i have posted here. sometimes i write in quite variegated pentameters, hexameters, etc.
and, like i said, this piece alternates between two meters. on neither account are the meters exact. there is very little about language in general that is "exact".
hey i've just realized (via the article i'm poring over right now) that most of my poems make use of a subtle device called "Emergent Patterning". there are obvious patterns in the structured pieces, but there are also emergent patterns. this is neat. i had no idea how to talk about this secondary layer of patterning i like to emply until now.
Edited on Aug 24, 9:31 p.m. because ''. -
Erin...what can I say about this that hasn't already been said? It is such a beautiful prayer, soft, subtle and compassionate. Truly one of the loveliest writes I've stumbled upon here to date
Ruth -
I don't get the form style but as for the poem itself the flow of this was highly and very well excuted and the whole time while reading this poem i was overcame and overwhelmed with the sensation of just being soft and easily carressed upon the cheek and the structural point of view of this was just unique and creativity...keep up the great work and hope to see more in the future
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Sorrry my comment wont be as long as the other, but i would like to just say i loved this poem, good write and keep it up
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err ?
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yesyesyesyes
(Wicked sweet emphasis here) AWESOME!!!!!!!
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GREAT!
This is simply amazing... It's poets like you that make me want to put my nonexsistant tail inbetween my legs and hide under a chair! lol. You're so talented! Keep the poems coming! -
This is one type of poem I have yet to write. Maybe I will attempt today since I have nothing better to do. Sorry I clicked again- I had forgotten I read this. But I am glad I id because of the link.
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The creative use of the chosen words is wonderful to see. So many of us tend in life to keep to the words that are so familiar... this includes myself. With your creative word usage, I find myself looking to once again expand my creativity and imagination in my poetry. This is a great gift that you give to others and I really appreciate what you have here. Thank you. Also, I like the way the phraseology works in this poem... keep it up... you are truly on your way to understanding yourself in much deeper depth... great job!
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Mate,
I am not convinced by your argument on archaism in the first line. Even Tennyson has kept idiomatic flavor in his sonnet "Tithonus", which has more than ten syllables in some lines. Mate, iambic pentemeter follows accentual syllablic metrics, and those flippant syllables automatically go out in scansion!
D -
Hello Erin,
Of course you know I knew most of your responses would be along the lines of the ones you gave me here. I am glad I popped in this morning, else I might not have seen that you had replied at all. You failed to hit the reply button to post this...(musta been tired...hey?) I almost did the same thing here, so "no worries" mate.
I have used "from out of" in my own vernacular and I see your explanation as viable. Still a bit bothered by "so they" but a reasonable explanation there too, so all in all I am going to send my applause and thank-you for the in depth response. I am anxious to see the next one.
Cheers and well wishes,
Del -
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
Re: Although I do like the immediate archaic tone to this, I am not fond of the “from out” phraseology. It would sound as good if said “out from” without detracting from that tone.
The "from out" phraseology is one i've grown up with. Note that there is an elision of the word "of" in the line: ... from out [of] the sounding ...
elisional phrases are fairly common in english. your alternative would cause the meter to stumble, too, because i want an iamb there. "out from" would make it a trochee, causing things to go wry in that location.
Re: In these first two stanzas you have set the reader to thinking this is a prayer-like plea to some imagined being with powers to grant your innermost desires.
Imagined, maybe. There do seem to be helper spirit beings trotting about with us. The plea is pretty much to any benevolent, compassionate source willing to assist--holders of light.
Re: Right away I see you making an associative correlation between very individualistic things with the universality of all things. “Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust” sums this notion up nicely for me…great line.
Release creative flow like prismed floods
Re: “prismed” “prizmed” (I know…I am being too picky here)
Prizm: www.onelook.com/?w=prizm&ls=b
Prism: www.onelook.com/?w=prism&ls=b
As for "prismed", this goes a bit out of the box, but it's in the OED.
Re: Moving some of your associative parallelisms to internal parts of lines rather than just as part of an end line scheme is very effective. I see that it is very liberating and an idea I will incorporate in my thinking…I like this.
This happens naturally, even inevitably. During my next project, the Pindaric Ode project, I'll actually be making very conscious use of internal schemes in order to ensure "form" variation in what would otherwise look to the average person like identical structures. So far as I understand, Pindaric Odes can't repeat structures between them, so I'm going to have to get really whacky during my next project in order to ensure this.
Re: After reading this far, I was suddenly aware of the wondrous implanting of “colorlessness” in this piece. “soughing haze”, “primal light’, “fog”, “vapid shades of grey” “cotton mist”, “Ice, snow, rain…” Well done, sir.
Oho! You may be the first to notice this. There's also another series of verbal parallels that relate directly to these words of colorlessness.
Re: I don’t like “so they” here. A simple “to” does the job and doesn’t mess with the metrics. Did you feel the need to be anapestic at this point?
I like it.
"to" wouldn't work. I'm not asking that decayed ideas be returned to elemental drift to rise again, but so that they may rise again. Similarly for its refrain in the tenth stanza. Of course, I've condensed this to "so they". :-/
It was a comprimise on my part. I wanted an iamb there, but decided an anapaest would variegate the meter some anyway, and it didn't hurt the poem too much.
Connect me to the place where light is born,
from where it swells to crest in consciousness
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Part confusion from conceptions fallen dead,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath.
Re: These two stanzas helped me discern that this was a “prayer-like” write. It does, indeed seem like a plea to some “greater being.”
Plea indeed. Here's hoping.
Re: The form, itself seems to have forced you into a rather “un-thrilling” ending to this. I was anticipating some sort of indication of a realization coming forth, but no such realization occurs, so the plea apparently falls on deaf ears. Not an unexpected outcome, I suppose, but a slight letdown nevertheless.
Well, it's a prayer, an invocation, not a story. So, there's no need for the sort of conclusion stories have in my mind. It begins as a prayer and ends as a prayer.
Re: I am always impressed with your wordsmithing abilities and this write is clearly indicative of your talents in that area. I know of no one who puts more hard work into every write than you do.
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Yes, in part, or the source of light. In the way I look at the universe, there is no source; light simply is. Yet, for the sake of this poem--to provide the desired focal point--I have assumed there is some actual source.
So, this source is karmic (conditional) in relation to "human condition" (karma), my condition being near-perpetual brain-fog brought on by extreme chemically induced damage to my wet-ware (I've posted a column that relates some of this story called "Poetry is my first true love"). So, in this poem I have asked the holder of light (which is each of us, consciously and unconsciously, and "god", and everything in between, and then some) to shatter the curtain of confusion/uncertainty/brainfog and restore/reveal/relate/refract that light (creative energy) into my conscious clearly percieved understanding.
If you're curious, I can forward an email to you that has a couple of notes on the prosody of this poem. Just pop an email addy at me and I'll send you a copy.
Edited on Aug 21, 7:10 because ''. -
Are you addressing birth of light, just tossed up this idea (a wild guess!).
D -
Delete it? Are you mad? This is beautiful!
I'm not going to have the time to respond. But there are intentional archaisms in this poem, because the concept is archaic. The entire poem is inspired from ye olde invocations of inspiration found in Homer, Ovid, etc. I have intended for this poem to have a somewhat archaic feel to it.
I'm not nearly as well read as you, and even if I were I doubt I would have half the retention you seem to have of what you've read. Terribly sad deficiency on my part... I don't seem to be able to retain but a small percentage of what I read. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with my studies. But, there have been some happy results.
I'm wondering if you would find something you liked if you were to sift back through the past few posts I made before this.
You might find it interesting that this is what I call a project poem. Kind of like Spenser's experiments I suppose. But, I'm consciously employing a bunch of prosodic schemes thare are pretty elaborate, too, also as practice. The idea is that after several years of practice, what I must consciously do now will be done naturally then.
I felt a little uncertain about the exclamation marks myself, actually. Reading it over again just now, I've realized that I'd rather go for the more meditative feel of leaving them out. So I've edited the poem to remove them.
As for punctuation in general, this is also an experiment in grammatical "correctness" within form.
Edited on Aug 21, 1:33 because ''. -
Erin,
I saw somewhere you mention “Princeton Encyclopedia on Poetry and Poetics is your favorite book;” But, I don’t see the necessary care supposed to be taken at each line break, as mentioned in that book. You may check how verse libre and form poetry practitioners have used them and defined the rules, from Ronsard to Shakespeare to Spenser to T. E. Hulme and William Carlos Williams. Archaisms have been very bluntly used, in contemporary poetry archaism is limited to dark humor! (Read James Fenton) Exclamation marks are rampantly used (they say a poet should use at most five exclamation marks in life, you have exhausted half of your quota, pardon my pun). From your erudition I didn’t expect such a heavy handed work, especially due to the fact that you have devised this form.
1) First tercet starts with an archaic statement (diction problem) which may befit a Spenser or a Pope living centuries back, let us live in present century! About the feel: it gives a feeling of an appeal to god/nature/or that elusive and sacrosanct! I sense an iambic construction here o GRANT me RAIN from OUT (may explain archaism, but then even people like Tennyson have been flexible with pentameters; check his famous sonnet “Tithonus”) the SOUNding CLOUDS…but as an image sounding clouds doesn’t illuminate and give anything original…It is already looking like a mere metrical exercise! (don’t take me otherwise, please feel free to express your objections). I don’t see any necessity of a comma, line break is an official half comma pause! But then I fail to see any tension or suspense at the end of the line to get something unexpected until I reach the next line! I am not very happy with your enjambment decision between lines 1—2 and 2—3. L 2, in fact, demands a bigger end pause than L1. “backdrop of my thoughts” is not very elegant, and I am sure you can better this! “An inspiration wrought by subtle minds!” is not a place to break a stanza or tercet. A stanza is an Italian word which means a new room, I don’t see any new view (V) or room in the next tercet (why break it). I don’t see any reason to interject with “minds!” Moreover, the line is a cliché (if checked properly).
2) I believe that a pentameter is best when lends a slant, though I agree with the mood of delivery, coz I have to, as author is also the founder of the form! May I suggest a spondee feet at the end, for such a prayer, it will give that added dramatic feel which it requires! In the second tercet first line I am not very happy with “soughing”, I am sure you can come up with something more comely. Erin, each word has its own “music” and soughing with a long syllable at the beginning demands more spaciness in the narrative. “ and wraps confusion round my spinning soul” is an overkill. Wraps confusion or spinning soul are clichés which have been avoided since long I am sure, and even they are used they shouldn’t appear so close coz they mean more or less the same. I however sense that you are perhaps trying to construct the pentameter.
3) I don’t know how and why did you embark upon the idea of creating such a difficult form? I think I remember reading about somebody who wrote 14 sonnets, with a rule: last line of previous sonnet taken as the first line of the new one. I think it was spenser! It was him only who wrote innumerable poems with Alexandrines and Hexameter! But then these experiments were purely academic. Spenser tried to identify himself as Chaucer’s successor, but unfortunately all his poetry started in ideal world and remained in an ideal world: a phenomenon Chaucer loathed some centuries before that! Third tercet is even worse, what do you mean by “prismed floods”…somewhere I read something more interesting “cacophonic mental din”, which look poetic but absolutely out of sync!
Erin, beyond your second tercet I don’t think I have the energy to give a detailed critique. I sense a carelessness, which is beyond any frames or boundaries. I am really sorry, mate, you looked to be very sensible with your commentary…but I cannot be more positive, if you ask for an honest feedback.
However, I respect you for your motivation to attempt new styles. It may sound caustic, but I know how difficult it is to write a villanelle in English, how difficult it is to attempt terza rima! People like Lord Byron and W.H. Auden have devised “rhyme royale” (did I spell it correct?) to get rid of extra rime baggage from Dante’s Terza rima! (I think he was the first, may again be wrong!). It is an ambitious decision to attempt such a difficult scheme, I will become mad if you ask me to write one. ( I am honest about that). If you ask me only Villanelle I like is Hanley Hopkin’s “Villanelle”! When I said “I don’t see that your poem can sustain the structure” I wanted to mean that hybridanelle is a very very difficult scheme and it will be only coincidences when such a scheme can work! Read W. B. Yeats’ comments about Petrarchan and Spensarian sonnets, and why he and Auden considered that only successful and consistent scheme is the Elizabethan/Shakespearean scheme (which of course have been played with; check “Ozymandias” was it Keats?). But then people as recent as Robert Frost have managed to successfully write a terza rima sonnet, so there is no sanction as such…only the difficulty level is what matters! It is more difficult than climbing mount everest without oxygen (I think I am making sense).
If you consider that my comment is inappropriate, send across a PM , I will promptly delete it!
Warm Regards,
Debashish
Edited on Aug 21 because ''. -
excellent
I really feel like an amateur now lol A beautiful poem I must say. I can tell you put a lot of effort in this and was a joy to read
Mark -
DH: Hrrm, not very clear what you mean:
1) "it doesn't sustain the structure"
I don't know what you mean by this.
2) "those tercets don't have the tension and build to keep them separated with strophe breaks"
This also is not very clear. First of all, which tercets do you mean? Second, explain what you mean by not having tension and build to keep [tercts] separated with [strophic] breaks.
3) "At times I am also not happy with line breaks"
Which ones? Why?
Don't just say you don't like it, point out where and why so the curious author can have the opportunity to see and understand what you're seeing. -
This is a nice poem, but then it doesn't sustain the structure. Somehow I feel those tercets don't have the tension and build to keep them separated with strophe breaks. At times I am also not happy with line breaks.
Debashish -
This was very well writen. I enjoyed the repition and I must say I am quite speechless...I found myself reading this over again, drawing in each word... and, well, I just couldnt bring myself to look away....well done!
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sophisticated
Wow, this is so crisp and disciplined. My hat's off to you for this Hybridanelle. It's like a well manicured lawn with box hedges. -
Hello Erin,
* Sorry it has taken a few days to get back to this, but when haikumonk banned me I had no way to post anything. I typed this up and had it ready to post when I got the infamous “white screen of banishment” notice, but here it is now, hopefully better late than never: *
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
and flash against the backdrop of my thoughts
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds!
* Although I do like the immediate archaic tone to this, I am not fond of the “from out” phraseology. It would sound as good if said “out from” without detracting from that tone. *
Dissolve the soughing haze that clings to all my dreams
and wraps confusion round my spinning soul.
Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust.
* In these first two stanzas you have set the reader to thinking this is a prayer-like plea to some imagined being with powers to grant your innermost desires.
I get the image of one who has many confusing thoughts, who wishes to have them organized, categorized, or otherwise clarified and explained. Right away I see you making an associative correlation between very individualistic things with the universality of all things. “Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust” sums this notion up nicely for me…great line. *
Release creative flow like prismed floods
that sweep stagnation from my standing sense.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds!
* “prismed” “prizmed” (I know…I am being too picky here) *
Lift the heavy doubt that cowers thick and close,
a fog that saturates in vapid shades of gray
and wraps confusion round my spinning soul.
* Moving some of your associative parallelisms to internal parts of lines rather than just as part of an end line scheme is very effective. I see that it is very liberating and an idea I will incorporate in my thinking…I like this. *
Reach through this cacophonic mental din
and seed within my harried understanding
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Sweep a translucent wind throughout my psychic planes,
infused with temperate airs to clear the cotton mist,
a fog that saturates in vapid shades of gray.
Defrost the ice and snow from all my fields,
the winter-scapes within that numb perception.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds!
* After reading this far, I was suddenly aware of the wondrous implanting of “colorlessness” in this piece. “soughing haze”, “primal light’, “fog”, “vapid shades of grey” “cotton mist”, “Ice, snow, rain…” Well done, sir. *
Return decayed ideas to elemental drift
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath
infused with temperate airs to clear the cotton mist.
* I don’t like “so they” here. A simple “to” does the job and doesn’t mess with the metrics. Did you feel the need to be anapestic at this point? *
Connect me to the place where light is born,
from where it swells to crest in consciousness
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
Part confusion from conceptions fallen dead,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath.
* These two stanzas helped me discern that this was a “prayer-like” write. It does, indeed seem like a plea to some “greater being.” *
Restore the waters of my inmost lands,
so that my springs will flow with apprehension.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds!
Sing to me invention, and help me learn to heed.
Dissolve the soughing haze that clings to all my dreams,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties.
Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust.
* The form, itself seems to have forced you into a rather “un-thrilling” ending to this. I was anticipating some sort of indication of a realization coming forth, but no such realization occurs, so the plea apparently falls on deaf ears. Not an unexpected outcome, I suppose, but a slight letdown nevertheless. I am always impressed with your wordsmithing abilities and this write is clearly indicative of your talents in that area. I know of no one who puts more hard work into every write than you do. *
Cheers and best wishes,
Del
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awsome
wow!! very good!! -
I honestly don't know what to say about this piece. Take that however you want. I had planned on coming here to make a big huge comment and hopefully get the points that I needed to push me up to a certain numerical figure. And I really am still doing that. But the poem itself, I would be disinclined to say yay or nay on. Sorry for wasting your points, or not completely wasting your points. Berate me at your leisure.
mark -
Dear Erin,
**
John -
Is this a prayer?
-
Great
Very beautiful poem...such meaning and heart put into it. Loved your choice of wording. Very much enjoyed reading this. Can`t wait to read more of your work. Very Talented!!! -
davidz: woohoo! won over on the second read! that's almost better than hooking 'em on the first read.
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I love the say that this was written.....very nice job! Much better than I could have ever done....
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well done.
On first reading I was not very pleased with this. It seemed to drag on without going anywhere. And then I decided to reread it
and noticed it appeared to be a metaphore for writers block. With that in place it felt appropriate that it didn't go anywhere, because that is what writers block feels like. The feeling of praying for rain is probably close to what someone who experiences writers block may feel if they believed perhaps that inspiration comes from above. (which for me it does not). very poetic use of metaphore and structure. well done. -
I had no idea what on earth an Hybridanelle is, so I did some digging and found your column on this subject, only to discover I also had no clue what a Terzanelle is! ARGH! Good thing you wrote a column about that too. Now, Villanelle that I know. I guess I have some studying to do and come back to this, so I can read and appreciate this poem for what it truly is, though I doubt it will change my first impression: a piece of art. Thanks for stimulating my mind into a new area of poetry.
Edited on Aug 18, 8:26 because ''. -
Profound
For once, a spiritual poem of immense depth and spirit. I love this greatly -
I have tried my pen at writing the villanelle a few times but nothing as beautiful, breathtaking, and seemingly complicated as this. This poem so reminds me of Native Americans who chant for rain in times of dry spells. The words flow peacefully into my spirit, and leave me longing to be soaked in a summer rain that pours into my soul.
I love "the sounding clouds". Those words placed together make me hear a rolling thunder. Your meatphors are mesmerizing. I neither stumbled nor faltered throughout the read. It actually left me smiling, and a lifted.
I became quite fasinated with; "soughing haze that clings to all my dreams"
Brilliant!
Renee
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Beautiful Erin, glad to have read this poem!
I can relate to this piece because I'm fascinated by the creative process, its sometimes even more precious to me than the finished products... Oh my gosh, I just understood this instant your choice of title "An Invocation". Perfect, absolutey perfect!
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This is just the most amazing thing i,ve read in quite some time....absolutely loved it.can read it over n over again. yuo are brilliant|!
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ohho! one of the greatest compliments to a poet's work is a desire to show that work to others. tell me, would you be willing to just put a link into your blog to this page here? since i have a lifetime gold membership here i'm not planning on ever removing this poem, so the link should be more or less permanent. so, let me know if you'd be willing to just put a link into this page on your blog. this is what i'd prefer since it makes it easier for me to keep track where my stuff is going.
Edited on Aug 17, 7:58 p.m. because ''. -
flowing and full of rhythm
really good use of words and your use of imagery was extremely riveting- it made the reader keep on going. but what i really thought was remarkable was how all the words flowed together and made it sound almost like flowing water...it really lets the reader sit back and watch the words wash you away. -
great
this poem is really good although long its really good I enjoyed it it is very different and unique I say keep on writing sometimes it does take length to express yourself I say keep on writing cant wait to read another. -
Intense
How can I comment on the king of commentary?
Third stanza from the end,
"so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath."
I didn't think you needed the word "so"
My favorite line:
"from where it swells to crest in consciousness"
Man, I have to come back to this one (smile) -
Reach through this cacophonic mental din
and seed within my harried understanding
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds.
this was an awesome poem- i liked it alot- very well written- -
i really like this. it has alot of strong points and was very well-written.
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Complete,sweet,powerful, SHAREALICIOUS
"Part confusion from conceptions fallen dead,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath."
I am astounded. This invocation is as flawless as I could imagine one to be, though I'm not quite certain I want to have
"my springs will flow with apprehension" why apprehension??? It DOES cause me to think.... hum.... does my own spring flow unwisely placed at times? Hum. Good medicine, this, to ponder...
Thanks for the awesome invocation... it has touched me... with permission I would like to place it on my "blog" to share with others, with any links you may desire and of course with "your credits"... if so, send me the info you want with your okay, and if not, thanks for it enriching MY life (and it seems others too) aloha, 3SE -
Fascinating.
I know very little about the vilanelle, and hope to learn more, but aside from recognising a little of the form (I don't really know how it differs from it) I was intrigued by your astounding use of words. The theme is familiar, but this is probably the best explanation I have ever read of it. -
Amazing
I was totally blown away by this peice! what can I say but wow? -
Lovely
Very lovely! I like the style, and the background. The poem itself flows well, and catches at the mind!
~Amanda -
You really must have worked hard on this one,Erin- not because it shows, but because each word seems to have been selected and polished as if from a basket of windfall apples. You mintained all those heavy vowel sounds, with the occasional little ray of hope refleted in the slightly lighter ones. I would love to hear you read this one aloud.
I was actually going to quip and say it is the best description of writer's block I have read lol, but it is more like someone struggling in a sleeping bag that has been stitched up with him in it and then covered with a heap of heavy blankets.
Hope you are going on alright, my friend. -
This is very good work. It is long, but keeps the reader interested. Good descriptive writing - the imagery works wonders. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Edited on Aug 16, 6:48 because ''. -
prismed floods, cotton mist, psychic planes and so one...the phrases are amazing...what an insightful look into the creative process and the drawing out of all that is in it...i loved this poem...the imagery in the midst of the form is astounding as always...
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Beautiful
I am truly impressed. I normally lose interest with a poem this long ( I have the attention span of a gnat with poetry sometimes), but this poem absolutely held my interest. Your word choice was simply fabulous.. and the imagery was so painterly and rich that I felt almost as if I could see every bend and turn of the work as you were writing it... like I could see it through your minds eye, a psychadelic spirit quest. Very nice. Very nice indeed. -
yay!!!!!!!!!!
I'm impressed and I love how the words are in a wave across the page. what a beautiful structure! I know, what a dork I comment on structure. but it was appealing to the eye and made it flow right through from beginning to end.
"cacophonic" nice word choice! very unique vocabulary nice to see someone well educated crafting a poem. :Þ
"Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust." nice picture and elements there WONDERFUL!
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Good Work
I enjoyed these lines thoroughly-
"Release creative flow like prismed floods
that sweep stagnation from my standing sense.
O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds!"
Very good work with the poem. The repitition was very good. The first line of every stanza is very good. Try out my poem "Who is it?".
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A very beautiful poem, full of surrealism and fanastic pictures. A cry for inspiration or a yearning to see the spiritual as well as the physical? I don't know, but do know that I enjoyed this immensly. Especially the first verse:-
" O grant me rain from out the sounding clouds,
and flash against the backdrop of my thoughts
an inspiration wrought by subtle minds!"
Thank you so much for sharing.
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Blessed be...
I love your invocation, Erin. Great stanzas, and perfect imagery. I've always believed in magic, something that reflects in my own poems, but I could never have written such a powerful invocation as you have done here. It's almost so that I can feel the magic spark in my mind as I read your great work. You should read my poems "Chant of Strength" and "Knowledge Gained", and tell me what you think... I liked haikumonk's haiku-version of your poem too.
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A wonderful write with a fluidity and expertise that is rarily seen. Each word a choice... not a given: each phrase mandatory. Your work is excellent.
As for haiku! The folowing:
primal light
in stellar dust -
obscured
inspiration flashes-
against the backdrop
of subtle minds
shades of grey
saturate confusion
and fog
temperate airs
clear the cotton mist-
translucent wind
You would have never guessed, eh? lol
Take care, and nice work.
Don
Edited on Aug 15, 11:57 p.m. because ''. -
Del: I'll look forward to your thoughtful critique. I know I'm going to have to wait until your ban is lifted... But I suppose this will give you a little time to refine the finer points of your critique.
One note on the technical side of this poem. I did end up confusing myself on one of the end-line schemes. Instead of alternating between alliteration and assonance, I ended up starting with alliteration and then using assonance throughout. But this did have the effect of bracketing the assonant scheme inside the alliterative scheme, which has its own merits, especially given the content of this poem. I'm also aware that I took some liberties on the meter; this was intentional. I try to keep myself from becoming overly rigid by relaxing my metrical grip once in a while.
Edited on Aug 15, 8:33 p.m. because ''. -
wow, im loving the background, very different lol
~~~Shawna~~~ -
this is a very long poem but it is also a really well written one and it was well worth the read, thanks for posting it!
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This is such a strong and emotional piece. You have articulated your thoughts so very well; using excellent flow technique. Very thought provoking overall - and beautifully done...
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Hello Erin,
I have a rather long and exhaustive critique planned for this one. I have read it several times and I don't see it as one of your best from a technical standpoint, (which I shall cover in my formal critique), but from a content standpoint, I see it as a possible turning point in your personal maturity as a writer. I am willing to bet you know where I am going with this, but suffice it to say, when I met you some years ago, I am sure this kind of almost "religeous" write could not have been made by you. More on both aspects will be forthcoming.
Til then, cheers and best wishes,
Del -
wonderful! this is a good write - unique and creative - it flows very well - wonderful imagery. Thanks for sharing!
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your form is authentic and your words flow so easily. It captures my attention and causes me to think. an invocatin is one of meaning. you have shown that through your writing. excellent piece.
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Excellent
Dearest Erin, Seldom are the times one can peruse this sight and come across poetry that utilizes raw artistic form, novel word groupings, and still retain focus. This poem is fantastic. I sympathize with the sentiments which may arise when many comment upon this piece without fully appreciating your abstract sense of imagery. Keep writing and I thoroughly enjoyed your tasteful rebuke to some pointless commentary. Bravo. -
Beautifully Expressed!
A truly inspiring poem and the use of nature in all its elements was well woven.The imagery is somewhat ethereal and a quality of idealism tempered by realism cmes shining through. -
duana: i tend to feel insecure about my work...
...but thoughts like yours always lessen that sense of insecurity.
Edited on Aug 14, 11:57 p.m. because ''. -
ninetnine: it's always at the reader's discretion to decide whether or not he or she likes a piece of writing. the thoughtful reader will have a clearer idea what specifically he or she likes and dislikes. one thing is for certain. i as a writer cannot write to please the reader because i have no idea what the reader really wants or needs. what i can do is explore subjects that are of interest to me personally and represent them in ways that challenge and also interest me. in the end, i am just a writer who is enjoying his own process for his own reasons, and you are a reader who either enjoys and takes part in that process in yor own way or dismisses that process as not being able to contribute anything worthwhile to your interests.
Edited on Aug 14, 11:55 p.m. because ''. -
wow, I appreciate this type of peotry so much...now if I could only write like this(I'd never feel insecure again)...but of course I never will- it is as much a fantasy as unreachable love. But yes I do enjoy reading it. You have a lot of talent, and you don't need me to tell you that.
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yeah i like the easy background.
subtle minds...
i like little wordings like that.
very long. good or bad? depends on the reader, unfortunatley. -
suzeecue: yes! an invocation of the muse!
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wow... simply put wow everyone else has covered everything I can say about this piece. Well done.
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This is deep and meaningful. Full of wonderful images that paint pictures before the reader. Well done.
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I loved your imagery. I liked reading this poem. It was enlightening. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing this. Please keep penning!!
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oh my goddess! i'm totally in love with it!
the format was totally amazing!
i'll have to come back and read more of your writings.
it's great!!!
congrats
love,
libi -
This is very interesting, As far as the form goes, I dont know enough about the Hybridanelles to comment on lol, however after reading this a few times I have to say, I really did love this. To me this reminds me of one trying to get back their muse, almost as if day to day realities have fogged up your creativity, and you are trying to get back into the light so to speak. Im sure many people can draw what they want from this piece, which to me is exactly what a good poem should do. It leaves the reader looking a little more deeply into ones own place within themselves, and with in the universe. Well thats what I took from this anyway lol. I really enjoy your poetry, it is always a challenge to look a little outside the box and I really admire that about your writes
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Wow, this is awesome..I had to read it couple times to get it and Im not really familiar with this form but your article was very interesting..this is quiet challenging work..im glad i came by this piece..for sure I will read more of your work..
Part confusion from conceptions fallen dead,
and draw its suffocation off my faculties
so they rise again as notions nursed on cosmic breath.
I loved that part so much..very powerful write indeed..
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What an incredible poem...I loved this poem. This is an excellent piece. I really liked-
"Dissolve the soughing haze that clings to all my dreams
and wraps confusion round my spinning soul.
Unveil the primal light obscured in stellar dust."
This is awesome. I loved this and really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work. Nicely done.
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reading this-i feel like i am reading "real" poetry,..old times
O grant me....
i like it though, it's nice to read something different-i think the background should be more rustic rather than modern..
great piece
ash -
Great
Beautiful. I loved it... -
obscure imagery can be lost on many. enjoyed the ebb and flow of the spacing and gentle background.
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WOW i love it good job.~~*Dunc*~~
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AG: ah! yes! i know very few will see through the imagery of that line, but it seems to be pretty compelling nontheless. since you like this line specifically, i'll explain it for you so the line will stick in your thoughts even more :
primal light: the center of being/soul/core self/source of personal inspiration
stellar dust: the human body (because we are made of the stuff ejected from ancient stars)
your comments always make me smile
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