Arr

-ARR-

A skit about pirates.


Scene opens on to a pirate ship, where the Cap'm Bigbeard stands with a list. He has the most excessively voluminous facial hair in the general vicinity (that being really big).


Cap'm: ROLL CALL! Up, ye mangy curs!

Crew: assembles

Cap'm: Nasty Jim!

Jim: Arr!

Cap'm: Dangerous Pete!

Pete: Arr! explodes

Crew: takes no notice, as if Pete exploded all the time

Cap'm: marks list Cooky!

Cook: Arr!

Cap'm: Mr. Devious!

Devious: deviously Arr. bits of Pete sploosh in the water

Cap'm: Jittery John!

John: WHA! WHO! DON'T HUR- oh. Arr.

Cap'm: Backwards Bill!

Bill: !rrA

Cap'm: Sammy Stitches!

Sammy: MMB! Sammy appears to be stitched to everything within a few feet of him, excepting the other crew

Mate: Arr, 'e can't 'arr,' sir!

Cap'm: WHAT? E's a pirate, ain't 'e? It be in the pirate's big book 'o rules that a pirate must be able to 'arr'!

Mate: Aye, sir!

Cap'm: WELL THEN MAKE 'IM WALK THE BLOODY PLANK ALREADY!

Mate: We can't, sir! 'Is legs be stitched together!

Cap'm: Well... THEN THROW 'IM OVERBOARD!

Mate: Can't do that either, sir! 'E be stitched to the deck!

Cap'm: WELL THEN... um... er... Put a paper bag over 'is 'ead or something...

Mate: Aye, sir! salutes and places a paper bag over Sammy's head

Sammy: MMMMMB!

Cap'm: Matey!

Matey: What, sir?

Cap'm: Say 'arr'. It be roll call.

Matey: Oh. Arr!

Cap'm: RIGHT! We all be mostly 'ere then!

Crew: Aye, Sir!

Cap'm: Today, you lot, the crew o' the Flyin' Douglas under the command o' yers truly (the dread pirate Bigbeard)...

Crew: waits with bated breath

Cap'm: Will be ransackin' a fat merchant tradin' ship!

Crew: YAY! celebrates in a most un-piratelike manner

Cap'm: Now, are we not the most fearsome scalawags ever to sail the seven seas?

Crew: ARR!

Cap'm: And are we not the scurviest sailors ever to not eat fruit for a long period o' time?

Crew: ARR!

Cap'm: And are we not the most ruthless treasure fiends the world has ever known, every man o' us ready to yardarm 'is own granny fer the silver in 'er hair?

Jim: I love me granny!

Cap'm: SHADDAP!

Parrot: Rawk, pieces o' three.

Cooky: Eight, Polly.

John: AAAAAUUUGH! Who ate Polly?

Devious: deviously whacks John with a spyglass Arr, it appears the merchant ship be fast approaching!

Merchant Ship: approaches fast. Two officers on deck look through spyglasses at the pirates

Officer 1: I say, old chap, what on earth is that?

Officer 2: It appears to be a pirate ship, come to ransack us.

Officer 1: Bloody hell. Whatever shall we do?

Officer 2: Erm... well, I suppose we could play cricket or something...

Officer 1: Righto. scene shifts back to pirate ship, where Cap'm looks through a spyglass at the other ship

Cap'm: What be they doing, Devious?

Devious: They be playing cricket, sir.

Cooky: On a boat?

Cap'm: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! How dare the scum play cricket at me, the pirate with the most excessively voluminous facial hair in the general vicinity!?!? Load the cannons, boys... now this be PERSONAL!

Officer 2: back on the other ship, holding a cricket bat By Jove, I believe we've offended them.

Officer 1: I think you're right, old chum. I didn't think we played quite THAT badly.

Sailor: Sirs, do ye think that it may be time to use our secret anti-pirate weapon?

Officer 2: You don't mean the...

Sailor: Yes, sir.

Officer 1: But it's...

Sailor: Quite right, sir.

Officer 2: And they...

Sailor: Already taken into account, sir.

Officer 1: Do you really think that...

Sailor: Indeed, I do, sir.

Officer 2: But my aunt Betina...

Sailor: No need to worry about that, sir.

Officer 1: ...Then I suppose our course is clear.

Officers: FIRE WHEN READY!

A black screen later, something enormous is launched via catapult from the merchant ship at the pirate ship. Sammy 'MMB!'s just before the most horrendously gigantic keg of rum you've ever seen (labeled on the side as 'The Moste Horrendouslie Gigantick Keg of Rum Ye have Ever Seen') squishes him, creating a large hole in the deck inside which the keg is wedged. The other crew act like huge, flying objects squished their fellow crewmate all the time, and examine the keg.

Jim: managing to open the spigot and get some tasty rum 'Tis rum, lads! RUM!

A screen bearing the words 'Three Days Later' fades out to reveal a scene of drunken revelry, during which several lines are shouted which may or may not include the following

-: Arr, I'll take ye all on, ye scally scurviwags!...

-: WEEEEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOO! Ouch. to be said by a pirate running, falling or otherwise moving very fast and subsequently colliding into something very hard

-: Arr, how 'bout some rum on a stick? Well, I suppose it may just hic be this plank that I may 'ave dipped in rum sometime yesterday...

-: Cap'm Bigbeard, ye never told us how tasty yer ship is! munches on a bit of the railing

-: Yo ho, yo ho, a parrot's life fer me...

Polly: Rawk, hic piehicces o' hic fifteen...

-: Arr, the sea be made of rum! Yahoo! jumps in without any semblance of grace

-: I think we lost all the hic cutlasses, cap'm... holds an armful of cutlasses

-: 'EY! Why isn't me cup full yet? the cup has no bottom, and the excess rum is being spilled into the open mouth of a very happy pirate lying below the keg*



Go now and read AHARR, the other half of the pirate skit.