I never thought I’d
mope around and feel
sorry for myself.
They say I'm a happy,
mentally stable person
who can bring a smile to the faces of others.
I do enjoy it,
but it does not last.
Oh, sorry, sorry me...
In reality, in my hidden depths,
I am relegated to the trash heap of life.
No joy, only extended sorrow
and heartache.
Each day I ask myself,
"Why open my eyes
when I see only
a pitiless cloud of darkness
raining down upon my soul?"
Just tear my heart out and squeeze it.
Burn my eyes.
That is the way it is
on the trash heap of life.
I trod through a land of beauty
and cannot see it,
and wander on an endless, long trek
in a desert of love.
I reach, and my arms are heavy.
I speak and webs of deception issue forth.
I run and disappear into the night.
I am down.
Down, down, really down now.
Manic.
Depressive.
Give me as many polars as you like,
bi, tri, deci,
I don’t care.
Shoot me.
Stab me.
Make me your sex slave.
I am a puppet
in the game of life.
Derelict.
Lost.
Whatever.
I’ve given up.
Gone.
Used and tossed.
Ridiculed.
Hung.
Then buried in a shallow grave
in the trash heap of life.
They say life was hard, but this is just impossible.
Dreams? Severed.
Aspirations? Trampled.
Self worth? Stolen.
Gun, please.
Friendship surrounds me,
but I cannot return it.
I hoard it. I Waste it.
Then I die.
Die. die, die upon the trash heap of life
in a razorblade bloodbath
of self loathing and hate.
The hands of friendship spurned,
love thrown away,
those who’ve tried to reach me
get in return my emotions of clay
and contageous despair.
As I wallow in it,
those who would help me give up and move on.
I see I infect some,
so I keep them all away now
and I live in a box
where I cannot
spread my sallow disease.
I eat the maggots and worms of life,
for that is what I’ve become,
to me, and all around me.
Manic.
Depressive.
If I didn’t live for the manic,
I’d end it all.
Manic!
Manic!!
Manic!!!
Depressive.
On the trash heap of life.
Author notes
Guess what ailment this piece is about?!! I think we all have it to some degree or other...
want to see my other half? Try 'Happiness in La La Land'
allpoetry.com/Poem/1127423 !
Written August 9th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Hidden Depths by Hidden Depths.
300 points, ended August 14, 2005, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Awesome write, i enjoyed this muchly, congrats on the silver.
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I think its a nice counter to the similar felt and quite understood plague
More effective than trying to fight it off with a stick
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ahhhhhhh! :0
hey, how did they get in there? (I think this reply belongs in my La La Land piece!)
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Well no worries as I am quite the stubborn and bull-headed type who is also quite familar and use to digging in my heels when necessary. Never allow my age to fool you or under estimate me as I am far from typical and can relate in more ways than what you possibly realize
-your awaiting to be daughter
Edited on Aug 14, 2:20 p.m. because 'I wanted to give additional heartfelt luvin'.
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well, my soon to be sweet daughter, the depressive in me can't tell you how much your affection and love mean... because he would just push it away, being addicted to misery! Now my manic side, well, he'd push you away, being so obnoxious! I'll just say I'm imagining your deep affection and love now, and it is like a gentle rain in a long dry desert!
Edited on Aug 14, 2:11 p.m. because ''. -
Unfortunately you are right about many being able to relate in some form or another to this....but WOW!!!!!
I absolutely love this as you gave word to something that many cannot comprehend or understand; hence the growing number of cutters. All I can say is wow once more as this only grew stronger as one read and carried weight throughout unlike some poems that spurt to soon fizzle.
Just thought you could use some of your given affection and love in return
-G
Edited on Aug 14, 1:31 p.m. because 'blah blah blah'. -
Read them both. Are we a little manic in the works? HA! I can nail the one illness down. Schizo-manic-par-I don't know!To answer you authors question.
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ME! Three! *laughs* yay for manic depression... Ah, I can definately relate to this one. I'm in a rather upbeat mood at the moment though ^.^ Wonderful poem... put everything I've felt into words perfectly. Damn you're talented o.o Off to read the flip side o.o
~Amy
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Good grief!! This is incredible! You did an awesome job of describing the emotions and the thoughts here. It's quite interesting to note that the largest majority of creative people suffer from bipolar, depression, OCD's, and a host of similar diseases. Great job here Wayne! Now... did I just read something that said ummm... "Make me be your sex slave???"
♥ Kimberly -
~Brilliant~
wow, very death oriented. and sad. made me sad. and the background...spooky...ooooo. Really long but gets the point across so well and makes the reader feel the angst and torture within yourself is imminent. Great write but to die doesn't end anything...it actually makes it worse. good luck in the contest! -
You convey much pain, but do not get at the root of it all. Dig deeper and you may be able to get out of this deep pit you are in. Very descriptive; lets the reader join you in this box you're in. Great poem!
Edited on Aug 10, 7:08 because 'spelling error'. -
Absolutely Brilliant
Hey there, You seem to write what some, wait no a lot of people feel somedays. I myself have those feelings. You write with such passion. Well Done -
Hi, well if you wan't to be a sex slave there's hope for you yet sure ,lol, bad depression the sickness of the century, I wasn't quite sure wether to laugh or cry for you, a dramatic trip into a sad mind,all the best my friend, this is not you, you are far too lively, hugs Di
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Maniacal Genius!
Join the crowd,Prozac for elation,tranquilisers for sedation not to mentionC.O.D which the shrink says he will work on shortly.Hate the numbness of so mnay pills our Beautiful Minds full of Chemical Ills.You described the condition spot on and the imagery is Maniacal!I am with you all the way and this will pass until another scar day!Just kidding.Thanks for sharing,God knows it wasnt exactly what we hoped for! -
I guess we all feel this way sometimes and you have articulated the feeling well. I think it overwhelms people who are seen as happy souls more than those who aren't. There is so much pain her it flooded me. This is a great piece.
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Vivid Imagery!!!!!!!!
Vivid! Extremely vivid imagery througout this write. Some of it made my stomach churn (I never have liked maggots), but I'm sure it achieved it's desired effect. This was both gut and heartwrenching. I was pleased with both. I like a poem to make me feel...even if it is painful.
You switched it up often and this heightened the "manic depressive" feel of it. The "I reach but my arms are heavy" line got me. Very good with that one. I felt the weight. The "give me as many polars as you like" line made me laugh. If that wasn't the intention, I apologize.
You made me feel the pain of your isolation...loss of hope...mental illness. This long poem seemed very short to me...and I suffer from a short attention span. The imagery and emotion kept my interest throughout. Yowzers! That doesn't happen often. Thanks for your entry! -
This is indeed interesting. I think you have obviously touched some people with this, but me, I just find it amusing so I'm laughing my silly butt off. Thanks for the giggles.
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HOT DAMN
damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this is freaking deep lol very compelling and true to form hope u win with this write -
Well, thank you, vini! I try to keep it clear, and then have a bit of fun with the overly dramatic! Die die die...!
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This is me in so many ways, You seem to capture me alot in what you write. Just even if in the feel of a peice.This was wonderfly written,And for a long peice it held on to me for hours.I read it an hour or so ago,and Its just been setteling comfortably in my mind.This has a musical beauty to it.I like the expression,and its so truthful.Wonderfly done grandfather,as always
Always
~ vini ~ -
I believe I said, 'eager to get rich'....but then....I may have mumbled...in an aside to the white-coated aid.
I know no fear....for lo, I have walked through the throngs of maddened society. -
did you say 'get rich'... I though you said 'get rich'... it sounded like you said 'get rich'... (am I sounding insane?!!!) and eager... I smell a scheme... thanks, glad you enjoyed the read- hope I didn't scare you!
Edited on Aug 09, 8:57 p.m. because ''. -
Ah...I agree with you -- we do all have signs of it...to an extent....most not often. All psychological 'ailments' exist to an extent in the general population...although those eager to get rich treating these 'horrible' conditions would not admit to it.
Given the complexity of the human brain...I'm surprised it works as well as it does.
You, Sir, are obviously insane. Welcome to the asylum.
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