Reflection On My Life

Reflection On My Life

All my life I felt that
I was nothing, nobody
Not worthy enough to even
Have the 'gift' of life

All my life I felt
Everyone was better
Ever since I was in
That damned school

Before it was alright
Everybody knew everybody
It was fun and I loved going
I actually liked school

But then I started there
Everything just went downhill
I lost everything
Even the friends I had before

One time I asked one of them
To play with me at recess
She refused and it put me down
That was the way it was since

Oh well, then I was the one
Everyone picked on ...
The one they laughed at ...
The one they always loved to tease ...

All through high school
It was like that
I tried to fit in
But that didn't work well

I wanted to be accepted
I wanted to have friends
I wanted someone to care
But all they wanted was to see me drunk

Everyday my self-esteem escaped
Now it may never be found again
I let it get away, now it's wild
It don't wanna be caught again

The end result is how I feel
Useless, boring, idiot...
Not idiot as in stupid though
But it'd be just as well

When Rose moved out here
We spent a lot of time together
We grew even closer than ever
And I learned something

I didn't have to act 'normal'
I actually showed my true side
My sarcasm, my dirty mind
And I liked it

Instead of being laughed at
They were laughing with me
My laid back ways
Stress didn't bother me a bit

I began to like myself
I began to think I could get somewhere
Maybe become the next Shigeru Miyamoto
But now I know for sure I won't

As little as a year ago
I had dreams, but not anymore
I realized they're out of reach
I'm not able to do it

Programming is too hard
Especially with games
I came to realize that
I didn't do enough good work

Many of the marks weren't deserved
Yes, I did attempt, but it failed
A lot of those projects were failures
Those failures show 'cause I'm jobless

The attempt at a job was another failure
I was too slow for them, couldn't speak right
Guess it's my fault that I can't speak perfect
And my fault I couldn't find the information too

I asked them after I was finished
No, we have no positions available, they say
But the next day, I hear they want a volunteer
I would, but I can't, probably think I'm too slow for it

The only thing I DID do right
Was the librarian job
I would do that but I can't
They're too cheap to pay me too

Now that I'm looking back
I realize all my mistakes
I was never one to look back
But now my past haunts me

Why? I honestly don't know
I have tried to keep it out of mind
As it's not good to completely forget
As then we'll makes those mistakes again

Today, I look at comments people make
Good ones I take as teasing and not serious
Bad ones, I automatically take to heart
No comments, I take as 'I don't wanna hurt you'

Like they say, 'If you can't say anything good,
Don't say anything at all'
So, either way, I take it the worst way
And along with me, I upset someone else too

I'm sorry if I do, I don't mean to
Sometimes, I'm just joking though
Other times, words can make me wanna cry
Even my own ... thoughts and words alike

Ever since I thought of writing,
I had tears in my eyes
They're kinda dry now
But I still wanna cry

Come to think of it,
There's one person who
Makes me feel good about me
And her opinion always tops mine

... Even her opinion of herself tops mine
As it seems, she feels the same way
My words of encouragement just makes it worse
I could only do such a thing when I was FFF

... Once again, I'm useless
Especially when I'm not happy, like now
It just makes her feel worse
And then we're both in a bad mood ...