A child sits stuttering at the bomb's horror
her mother lies here and there
muttering to her mother's head I love you
men press on like they don't care
For many bodies to clean up and mourn
she looks for pieces of her mother
laying them beside her shredded head
the child peered upon her brother
Who was lifeless and torn
basking in a sea of blood
she shook as to awake him
his blood intermingled with mud
She saw a finger lying alone
it had her mother's ring upon it
she gazed into the stone as though a trance
her mother looks to lay in a loin's pit
A man in green touched her shoulder
she looked up at him with one tear in her eye
he picked her up with a long hug
in her pain and sorrow she started to cry
Author notes
about suicide bombers and the victims they leave behind during the war
Written August 5th, 2005
A contest entry
- Don't Ask Me 2 by skitza.
300 points, ended August 14, 2006, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BLOW MY MIND UP by Swan song.
1000 points, ended August 26, 2007, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free For All - Can You Survive? by Ninth-Poet.
2000 points, ended September 5, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wow Me by BehindTheShadow.
2550 points, ended October 5, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Cry by DemonicChanel420.
700 points, ended October 28, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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This is very powerful, the emotion is very raw and moving. Best of luck in the contest!
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I love it I absloulty love it. The reason for it was exactly what was going through my head bravo- brava great job. I love how I can imagine what is happeing as I read through it
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It's very interesting and detailed,
it's as if you can picture the pain.
Very well written, I like it. -
i love this! it's so emotional! it really hit home and made me think "what if that was my mother"! we have had to many events such as this in the world! but as poems go, this one depicts things perfectly and really puts it in perspective!
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Who was lifeless and torn
basking in a sea of blood
she shook as to awake him
his blood intermingled with mud
I think the repetition of blood in the last line threw off the flow
but that's the only suggestion I'd make for this entire poem,
which means it's pretty damn good.
nice job!
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Wow, a very sad, sad write. You've done a great job!
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That was a gruesome imagine,thinking about a kid looking for pieces of her mom...I can't imagine how that would be. Just one big fat sack of sucky I'd say lol. Anyhow, it's not a laughing matter, and I think you did a wonderful job with this piece, it really struck up a lot of emotion, well done.
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Indeed a wonderful theme with a heartfelt treatment as well.....I love it..well done..and my thanks for sharing it..
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this is a poem worth reading and rereading over and over again. thank you for this wonderful poem to read.
Riftkin -
Creatively refreshing!
the visual imagery that you have left in my mind by your words are like something I'm not soon going to be able to forget in the short term. You have a powerful piece of literature on the visual level which I appreciate greatly as well you manage to not let the visual aspect get in the way of the emotional levels that are found in your piece.
-Keep the ink flowing!
-Good luck in the contest!!
-Sage of the east -
wow what a visual you have made here. I to feel as if I want to cry. Well done and good luck again.
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Heartwrenching The aftermath of an explosion and the loss of a family. Very vivid and very well done. Ill read this again
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'a child sits stuttering at the bomb's horror
her mother lies here and there
muttering to her mother's head I love you
men press on like they don't care
for many bodies to clean up and mourn
she looks for pieces of her mother
laying them beside her shredded head
the child peered upon her brother'
Wow.. I almost feel sick.. Very important poem.. Maybe you should post this to Iraq or something. You never know. Well written.
Lacking in full stops.. but then again, most poems are. Shame.
Thanks for entering.
skitza
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WOW that was a ggrrrraaaaaeetttt poem I LOVED IT AAAAALOT!!!!!!!!!
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This was a very intensely powerful write, and unusual, as most write about boyfriends or friends etc spending time with them over the summer and that but for this kid its the man that stopped to remove her from the remains of her family ....
Onto a sure winner here I would think! Good luck! -
wow dats very very depressing. having a child cry over her mom's shattered pieces. how gross would that have been, but the child would still look at it as her mother, and thats why its so touching. she lost her mom in an instant, and thats what its like in war ... in iraq and middle east. this is a great poem and a great way you portrayed this little child! good job. u deserved the gold
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noooooo that cant happen....noooooo.....
this is so not fair....this is full of emotion and this is full of emotion and it seems like it really is through a child's eyes.....very good write and very good emotion and context and description.....good luck in my contest.
~*~Kristen~*~ -
wow this is so emotional, It actually made me cry. Well done love Orical
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*sobs*
*cries* that is so saaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I loved it alot!!!!!!
and umm... good luck in the contest! -
very well written
So intense and sad. You captured what, I am sure, many go through in the lands where war is still going on. Such a sad and useless waste of lives. I can't even imagine really going through such an horrific experience.
etherealforu -
A moving piece showing what what war really is about. Very Very good!!
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this was an excellant piece you did and very touching. I almost cried reading it. I like the meaning of this poem.
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Wow, that was very intense and sad. It brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart. Keep up the great work and good luck in the contest!
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oh my. That was touching. I think I'm going to cry. Its sad that a child..any child.. would have to experience something like that.
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Just came back to give you some applause, love the poem. Hope you win!
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This is an amazing poem. Very powerful and intense. Your imagery was just astounding. I could see the little girl sitting there in the middle of all the bloodshed. It is so sad that children must face horrors like this everyday...when they should know only happy things. You made me cry as I read this...Excellent job...Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
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I love it! Its sad but has so much emotion and feelings.
p.s. thank you for applauding for my poem
You're an awesome poet, keep at it! -
Hold on while I wipe my eyes and blow my nose.
This was an amazing poem. I have a few suggestions that I think might make it read a little smoother. Please accept them or reject them as you see fit, either way, this is a beautiful and heart wrenching piece.
The second line "her mother lies here and there" shocked me to the core, it set the tone very well.
I found the third line reads funny "her head she mutters her I love yous to" I think it may sound better as "She mutters her I love you's to her head." but then again, I'm not sure if it would mess up your rhyme scheme.
The first two lines of the third stanza
"who was lifeless and torn
he bask in a sea of blood" may read better as:
"who was lifeless and torn
basking in a sea of blood"
The last line of the fourth stanza
"her mother looks to lay in a loins pit" has a simple spelling mistake, I think you meant lion's pit, rather than loins pit.
Keep writing, you have a very promising poetic voice, and a wonderful perspective.
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inspiring piece of work
It was a message of hope among the despair. I enjoyed it very much. -
oh my god this poem is so sad and touching, of how children are looking at a terrorist situation, they don't understand whats going on all they know is that their loved ones are gone. Very sad, therefore it's very good.
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wow that was very intense and sad and deep and im bout to start cryi8n very nice
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