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Your Face / re-written

Missing image
Original Version

Moonlight shines in your dark eyes
Black as the darkest night skies.
Your looks take me to a time in space
For I have come to know your face.
Your smile always melts my heart
It has right from the start.
A nose I see so straight and proud
To touch it often when I’m allowed.
Your sensual lips where passions lay
Kisses long I give you all day.
Stroking your cheeks lovingly
Touching, caressingly.

You see my darling I want you to know
I will never stop loving you so.
...............................................................................

Re written version


To gaze at your face, that I know so well
to see your smile, then I'm under your spell.
Your eyes, they shine like mystical jewels
I sink into their depths of the look of fuel.

I tenderly touch the curve of your nose,
tracing my finger to the shape as it goes,
caress your cheek that I love to kiss.
I knew not heaven could be like this.

I pause at passion of lingered lip
rapture is mine in the bow and tip.
your kiss is place of passion's bliss
A Princess, I am, on first kiss.

I want you to know, I love your face,
And long the holding in tight embrace.






Author notes

This was the 5th poem I wrote allpoetry.com/poem/741927  posted July 29th. 2004

Jennifer.
Written August 5th, 2005

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • jenelda silver member
    February 8, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    THank you sweety for the compliment, I had fun re writing it and see how my writing poems had changed, I'm lad you found some inspiration, go for it! It's amazing what you can come up with.
    Jen.


  • Pretty Hate Machine
    February 8, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Great Job

    These are both fantastic and I love the drawing too. what a neat idea. I believe I have found some inspiration. I really can't choose between the two though. They are equally as good.


  • Anthony-
    August 15, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I think that both versions reflect this truth and honesty about your own integrity. Well done to bring these qualities and certainties out into your piece. And a fellow Aussie to boot! Tony.


  • eternalpoet
    August 15, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    5 Stars *****

    wow... this is an amazing re-write... i love it.... .. excellent write... tottaly impressed, , you gonna get good quota of chocolates for this write ... well.. its really wonderful and loving write jenni... just like.. soothes me everytime i read you..

    there is a mistake you have done here while posting the pic... you write poems for me.. and post someone else's pic.. ?? .. damn i know you wrote it after you saw my face

    nice write.. good work.. thanks for sharing my dear pluff pluff spongy doll

    hugs and kisssesss

    gives huge choco

    take cares and have a nice time my dear friend.......... just keep it up........... your humble little friend......... .......... ........... ............ - vic ( who else ??? )


  • Anna Kay
    August 6, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this one is just lovely! It was very interesting to read both versions, and I must say that I really liked both of them! It flowed really well, I especially liked the second stanza...indeed a great rewrite!


  • CarolDesjarlais silver member
    August 5, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Awww, this is nice. Most of the rhythm flowed well in the change. I do, indeed like the rewrite. Good job!

1 - 6 of 6