As I envy the ocean so calm
As I envy the sun so bright
As I envy the ship at rest
As I envy the world around me.
I wish my mind be like the ocean
I wish my life be as the sun
I wish my stand be like the ship
I wish the world could count me in.
How hard it is to strive and live
How hard it is to struggle and move
How hard it is to sleep at night
How hard it is to fight hunger.
But soon, there’ll be no pains at all
As I surrender my last breathe
I just wish to be with Him in heaven
However, my life will change as I bid goodbye.
Author notes
'the old man and the sea'
Simple words for everyone to dig with me wholeheartedly to the deepest trial of ones life...
Written August 4th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Hey great job! Sorry about that contest, bummer. You probablly would have won. Well thanks for comment and all. I like this poem. I envy ducks. They have no care in the world. . . .anyway good job!
Much luck
Much love
kat
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Hi, unfortunately, I'm going to have to cancel this contest because no one's joining and I don't have that much time to promote the thing around here. THanks for sharing the poem, though, and I hope you continue to work on this poem more.
Kannika -
I'm not that disappointed. hehe. I know how writer's block can be. consider this a free write, and i hope my critique can help. thanks for appreciating the photo by the way.
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Know what??? I'm not satisfied either with what I have written. You could probably notice in my author page when was my last piece written, really not a good time for me to write, I was just amazed and loved the photo you've posted coz I had been into it too (basic photography)back then. Sorry to disappoint you, Pinoy pa naman ako.
Edited on Aug 07, 7:18 p.m. because ''. -
Hi. Finally, a fellow Pinoy.
I'm having a bit of trouble with the repetitiveness of this one. Although i liked that little attention you gave to the order of ocean, sun and ship. Though what its importance to the whole poem, I am not sure of as well.
Also, I thought there was too much generalization in here. I was looking for some concrete images, though. SOmething to ground this universal theme of suffering and learned helplessness into the particular, to make it more effective. Maybe show us what this I persona had to go through in his life? I don't know. Just show us the specific things he had to suffer to come to this kind of conclusion.
The tone of the poem, though, is perfect. The feel of the poem, like this man has finally found something else higher than his physical existence, was very evident right from the very start.
Good luck with the contest and keep writing
Kannika -
This was very good, although I'm not usually too fond of the repetativeness of some poems, this one struck me in a spot that I thought was interesting. it was sad and graceful. good job!
Bagel -
very sad. the ending is a bit confusing....am unsure of what you mean...i am slow though..anyways. different. good job with writing this. enjoyed. good luck in the contest.
Blu -
that was good book. i like the imagery you gave in this and the emotion u did a really good job
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