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A Bloodthirsty Yet Beautiful Sonnet

DEDICATED TO THE FAT HIDEOUS BETTY, MY NEIGHBOUR

    
 

  
Does anyone here know of a good mohel?
As I urgently need someone to circumcise
My neighbour's Yorkshire terrier, canine boil
Needing lancing, joybringing to my eyes.
A kindly mohel simply will not do;
He must lack scruple and human pity;
That hound’s not been bathed for a year or two
So th'event might turn out a bit shitty.
Yorkshire terriers are of two classes:
The insistent yapping ones we all hate
And the pansy ones with hairy arses;
But both look good nailed to your garden gate.
And he needn't be a mohel either,
Merely someone wiv' a willing cleaver.

   
 
   

Author notes

Yorkshire terriers are a sort of fantasy creature: fantastically repulsive. They are also part of Nature: a repulsive part of Nature, but still part of it. It would be a beautiful sight to see my neighbour's dog nailed up, his tongue lolling out of his hideous gob, drooling in death.

Pronunciation notes:
Line 1: "mohel" is pronounced "MOY-(ch)ull" with the (ch) being gutterally but not emphatically pronounced as in a Scottish loch;
Lines 13/14: these lines rhyme when spoken in a cockney accent and my neighbour is a cockney and talks like that.

PS This is a sonnet.

PPS I have prepared a special recipe for cooking Yorkies; this is now available on allpoetry.com/poem/1279193 .

Written on 3rd August, 2005.
18 months later, I still hate that dog - did I mention she has two of them? I hate them both.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • no-longer-a-member-
    July 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Edna, I've dealed with worse neighbors
    for three years, I lived next door to Mexicans, and I'm willing to bet every penny I have left (Euro 1.15) that they were illegal. Yes, yapping is annoying, but what about Mariachi music at 3 AM when you've got the pSAT the next day?

    Nicely written.... I have no idea how, but I'm starting to like your writing


  • thorlorn thanatos
    March 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    An odd poem... very interesting

    Your hate for your neighbours pet is beautiful well phrased

    Thankyou for entering

    Ryan


    • Edna Sweetlove
      March 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      My hatred for that dog is unbounding. Thank you for my lovely bronze cup.


      • thorlorn thanatos
        April 4, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        Aww I bet you love it really
        your most welcome

        • Edna Sweetlove
          April 4, 2007

          Edit | Reply
          No. I loathe her dogs. I loathe her. If I were religious I would pray for her death. Instead I just keep hoping.

          • thorlorn thanatos
            April 4, 2007
            Edit | Reply
            That poor dear.

            Well I encourage you to add a new ornament to your garden gate... nothing to brighten up your day than to smile at something you loathe hanging limp

  • GoneWithTheStorm
    September 14, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    A humoristic poem??? .... I TRUST this is your HONEST opinion of how you would nail your neighbour's terrier to the garden gate. You must hate the lovely creature.... I cannot see why you have put this poem in my contest. At least it was not what I had in mind, but thanks anyway. Anna.


  • LadyOfFate
    July 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    that will do as long as it is on the page. when I do my final sweep of judging I just look at the poem pages.

    fyi- I never thought a controversial poem could have humor. I still say it is sick humor though.

  • Edna Sweetlove
    July 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Well, you ASKED for something controversial! Surely wishing the death through enforced circumcision of an animal is slightly controversial? Especially seeing I am a pet lover myself! And you didn't rule out humour. I shall certainly add the phrase and a "smiley" (if I can work out how to do one).

  • LadyOfFate
    July 30, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Oh dear... well, it is controverasial that you put a poem about hating an animal in a contest of an animal rights activist. also a little bit of sick humor. I do not know what to say. but I do know you forgot the smiley face and the phrase. please fix that and explain the controversy of your poem besides the fact that you put it in the contest.


  • Phoetiquette
    February 6, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Mohel can also be pronounced Mo-(ch)el. It's only 'MOY' in the yiddish dialect, pretty much.

    Perfectly disgusting write you have here, by the way. Have a nice, yorkie-free day.


  • Shakes-spear
    December 24, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I do hate their yapping, but could never end one's life! They look nice stuffed! The Shaker

  • Edna Sweetlove
    October 29, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    No way can such a poetic gem's complex and sophisticated rhyming scheme be amended so I shall gracefully remove this immense work of art from your competition. With most delicate poetic felicitations from Edna Sweetlove, sonnetteer to the Holy Trinity (by appointment).

  • Caricature
    October 29, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    very humorous (as i detest dogs) but for my contest i want terza rima sonnets (rhyme of aba, bcb, cdc, ded, ee. and needs 11 syllables per line) unless i'm horribly mistaken, all you have here is a sonnet so, either change the poem around :\ or i will have to DQ you.

  • JETS jets jets jets
    August 6, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I, too, can understand what it is like to loathe a neighbor. I live next door to white trash, across from drunken idiots, and I'm constantly surrounded by people who have no regard for anyone but themselves.

    I found this poem comical. It brought a smile to my face as I thought about my own trials and tribulations that I face with my current living situation. But as a dog owner and a lover of all animals, can I offer you a bit of advice? Kill the fat bitch who owns the dog that barks too much, and buy that poor dog a steak and give him a nice bath.

  • butterfly2001
    August 6, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I know a few dogs I would like to nail to the fence but I never thought to write about them. LOL good write.

  • LaBelle
    August 5, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Aww this is a bit...disturbing. But definately the most interesting sonnet I've read in the contest so far. I'm not sure if it's elegant-sounding, as I said it should be but...um...it's interesting.


  • Cherry Hades
    August 4, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Bravo! Very clever! (I am glad to see you WROTE about stringing this yappy fool dog up..Instead of DOING it..)

  • Edna Sweetlove
    August 4, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Yippee! I couldn't have written it better myself! Yippee! You will be interested to hear my neighbour's hound is called Indiana. I would pay anyone £100 to strangle it.
    Edited on Aug 04, 8:14 because ''.


  • weewatto
    August 4, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Sublime Edna. I too loathe Yorkshire Terriers, and believe that their doleful brown eyes and petite stature DO NOT warrant such affectionate names as Button, Mitsy, Poppet etc. but in fact conceal an inherent evil intent to be as bloody irritating as is doggily possible and every available opportunity, yapping dementedly at nothing. The only disappointment in this poem is that you've dignified them with more attention than they deserve, namely about a billionth of the space taken up by the blessed flea that bites it's arse. Funny though. xx Rach xx PS. Is that more like the response you hoped for?


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    August 3, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Nice. -Al


  • naravin
    August 3, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    hehe

1 - 23 of 23