There’s a subject that I’ve always found fascinating
But when I bring it up, an argument invariably starts.
It’s not politics or religion. Nope. Much worse, I’m afraid.
There’s no nice way to say it so I’ll just blurt it out – Farts.
Everybody likes to bask in the aroma of their own concoctions,
Though you’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone who’ll admit it.
So if someone farts in a group and you see one of ‘em smiling,
You can be pretty darn sure he’s the rotten bastard who did it.
Just how is it that something so repulsive to everyone else
Can be so savored by the one who percolated and dealt it?
It’s a grand mystery, like UFO’s, the Yeti and Sasquatch -
How the farter enjoys it while others are dying who smelt it.
There hasn’t been a scientist yet who's bold enough to confront it.
But I say the lowly fart has been taken for granted far too long!
Think of it - what would we do without our exhaust capabilities?
Without the simple pleasure of a cabbage and bean induced song?
Why is farting ignored like some kind of shameful, dirty secret?
I guess it's because Fartologists don’t make too much money.
But there are a lot of other good reasons to study Fartology!
For example, the fact that farting is just pretty damn funny!
So I launched my own investigation, kind of a gastronomic X-File.
A clinical study of flatulence in all its great varieties and moods.
And I discovered why the farter only likes to smell his own wind.
It’s quite simple - because it’s a mixture of all his favorite foods!
Here's something else I learned during the course of my research -
We can smell a fart for the same reason that we can smell a rose.
Moisture must be present for us to detect it, so when somebody farts,
It means there are a lot of little fart droplets landing inside your nose!
And have you ever noticed how farts seem to have their own language?
They can sound like a question, a statement, or an angry command.
Well, I've deceiphered the code! In fact, an angry fart once said to me,
"Hey, stop eating all that damn Middle Eastern food, man!"
Gold trophy winner
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