You were no bouquet, mother
Fitting, for the bottom of a crater
Your love ran me through
Mad, I held out my hands
from your menstruation
Like Some Mesopotamian -
- Necromancer cackling at the
moon: His reflexion, hunched over
Fissures of smoke and fire.
I consumed mushrooms by the -
- handful, held UFOs in the palm of my eye
And of course... Was rear-ended by
An entire alien armada, forced to fly
Cliche into the minds of millions
Fuck mahogany sauce spoons
You were the dragon's low jaw
Had you stole my soul?
Oh, I think so...
Yes, and virginity!
Called me a new god
Rubbed me down, as if -
- I'd run the message from war
To hell, and I did with your
fingerprints 'bove a heel.
I guess you knew sleeping with me meant
Chemical Babylon and bent beyond heaven,
but -- It takes two to fuck, and I'm sorry,
but I lucked it, and it... Was probably better
Than the first time we met, I get, every
last bit of it, like a library; Woman
I make shadow from paper to tree
And mark heads with ash, a priest
darker by far than you, I grew
The outcome from ancient genes
And love, thick-fist-ed, and consistent
I keep the Mary, the Jesus, the ghost.
But the sun... What a fucker
Comes banging up my ass
Again, I win, the pauper
And who was I to write the book?
But just the clown to read it.
Author notes
I was going to call this smoked ass
Because, I'm better than you and pretty.
Written August 2nd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- loss of a mother by soulreaver666bb.
300 points, ended June 30, 2006, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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This one seethes and I must admit that I agree with Muddyking's comments above. This does rock! It is a brilliant piece and literally speaks volumes. I actually felt the anger welling inside me, as well as a turmoil and urge to just slap the face of humanity iteself. A hard hitter! Damn, this is great!
Edited on Jun 30, 9:26 p.m. because 'I can't spell tonight it seems
'.
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thank you for entering my contest, but i have to say that this isn't what i was looking for to give to Matt. Thank you though for entering. GB and GGHL. ~~~~~~~Bec~~~~~~~
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OTF
outrageously talanted fucker!!!
David -
Yeah.
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Sometimes you miss, but you hit with this one. Fucking brilliant.
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this was a stunning piece jeremi. well done.
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Chaotic, fascinating, horrifying and wickedly humorous in parts ("Was probably better than the first time we met" -- oh god!).
"I'd run the message from war
To hell, and I did with your
fingerprints 'bove a heel." -- Achilles? Sorry if that is a "duh" question and totally obvious (haven't read every comment here), but that is what came to my mind.
The nightmarish, psychotropic quality of this is just gripping.
Every time I read this, something else happens. If that makes sense.
How could she do this to you? And if I am reading this right, how could she let others do this to you? How dare she?
This was very powerful -- and daunting in a way. I had to steel myself to get through this piece (not because it was not well written but because it WAS -- just as I am sure you had to steel yourself to live through it), but I am glad I did. It fills this reader with a terrible anger. Your anger, actually, and so --
Well done, Horus8.
Lilac Moon
Edited on Aug 07, 1:08 because ''. -
I must admit, this was brave, on your part. I’m sure there’s few that could bring themselves to talk of such a sore subject, in even the most abject terms. But to deal with it head on, that takes balls, I’ll give you that.
Also, I wanted to tell you, I like this style of writing (I don’t know it’s form name), both the format and the story telling nature you use for it. Take out the darker tones, or more, the non-fiction aspect of it, and it becomes highly entertaining to read. It does keep your attention easily. And, on that note, I thought you might find it amusing to know what your opening stanza made me think of.
First though, I’ll tell you, it was great imagery. Very wicked and stark. I could picture it all very clearly, too clearly in fact. Which brings me back to my original point… Have you seen the cartoon, that plays out like an opera? With Elmer Fudd as a Viking, and Bug Bunny as first a bunny then a ‘female lover’? And anyways, there’s that one part where Elmer’s shadow is cast large against the mountain side, as he dances about singing “Kill the rabbit! Kill the rabbit!” ~ahem~ That’s what I thought of, very off subject, but I though it was funny you made me think of that.
But then, of course, I read further and further in. You try to keep it light, but really poet… it’s just very sad. Or at least to me, it made me sad… To be taken advantage of, in such a way, to be exploited… it makes my heart drop. I don’t understand these sorts of things, I just don’t… It has caused great harm. It’s just soaking through in this…
I'm so sorry...
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crap write my ass, this rocks
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Much is under layed here, wonderful job of bringing it all to the surface
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Yepper you drink'n someth'n if you think that this is a crap write, this is a magnificient write. Eerie, dark and makes me sad which is the effect you want.
Excellent write. -
this is one that sends the mind going in loops. wow this is one that takes several readings to grasp and even then it's a bit difficult great write Blessed Be ~calentice~
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splendid composition here
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mind-boggling and insane. but then that's what makes a horus poem a horus poem. excellent work.
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wow and holy shit this is messed up! i can really feel the tension and anger here but one thing im confused on, in your poem it says she took your virginity but then in a comment you say you fucked her, which is it? either way you need this
and seriously good work and good luck in the contest!
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beyond brilliant
I have read so many comments about this line and that line, I feel that the stolen soul phrase speaks so clearly in this. How your life changed from being a kid, to a kid being changed by life. We all carry secrets, but you chose to free the demons and for that there is no amount of applauses or accolades that can justify the worth of this write. Brilliance seen in every chaotic moment.
Peace Muddy -
Your honesty is powerful. I am sorry that this is part of your biography but admire your ability to speak it, and even more so, your ability to share it.
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But the real question is did you enjoy it?
Edited on Apr 08, 9:16 p.m. because 'hit the wrong key'. -
Idiot, what's to get? I fucked my mother, it's called incest.
Do you normally need a road map to get to 7-eleven, or is that your
shtick?? -
All the best of luck , i hope you win, because this piece disurves gold, its amazing!
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right!
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I'm quite honestly, amazed. This is sparked with images that ripped my bones from my flesh, and chewed them with grinding teeth. It is angry, honest, and had me reminded of the bile taste of life after love, sex and word vomit.
Sensational job.
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I wish it was a metaphor.
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better than the first time we met
this made me chuckle.
never read anything like this before. nuts -
Amazing work intertwining emotions and imagery together. Your words hold a powerful spell in their mist...
Good luck in the contest and congrats for making it this far!
Kate
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Applause Worthy
This was amazing. Not just the imagery, I think you scared me shitless with it, not to mention have me question if this really happened to you or not. I did not yet divine your message, even though I have read this piece, like 3 times. I cannot imagine what you wanted the metaphor to represent, but I feel like my night sky got darker, this room got darker as I read your piece. Maybe you've affected my mind already. Good Job! Your references remind me of Sylvia Plath, and you refer to your mother similarly (except for the incest part) to the way Silvia Plath referred to her father. -
I know this one.. and yes, it still fills me with that gut-wrenching pain..
underneath all your humour I see how it grows like a twisted vine inside you..
Bravo hun... bravo!!
~GILL~xxx -
I am still trying to figure out if you are trying to get something off your chest, or if you just wrote something to try and tick people off. It's definently a thought provoker, and the content leads me to believe you are dealing with some issues involving the women you have known.. But then, this could just be a write to make others think.. Athena
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Cannot comment at present as it might influence judges.
John-Las Vegas, Nevada -
it might be that it's 3am... but i dont know if i got this. no wait -- i do know that i did NOT get it.
it was interesting though... it kind of seems like you are angry at women.. starting with your mother... and moving on to whoever you 'fucked' in that last long stanza...
i liked your final couplet. thought it was cute... -
weird... i am thoughtful now. quite angry, well written. xxxx
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Of course you liked those.
Like with an oreo, you're for the filler
But maybe if you wrote the book
You'd be a clown like me. -
Was it my wig?
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I usually dont like poems rated A. But still.. as i cliked this on.. i thot id read.. and was wondering at the follwing lines.. they had such force within or highly descriptive with strength.. still they sounded subtle. I did not like the poem on the whole.. but to make things more polite here, i marked the ones i liked alone....
Necromancer cackling at the
moon: His reflexion, hunched over
Fissures of smoke and fire
Had you stole my soul?
An entire alien armada, forced to fly
Cliche into the minds of millions -
definitely different, something I have difficulty with
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You think I fucked my mother subtley?
That's a true or false question, you
have...
60 seconds. -
**
Edited on Aug 02, 1:02 because ''.
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