"SNOGGO The Great Stutterer"
(SNOGGO's Seventh Adventure & The Only One So Far With No Killing)
by
Edna Sweetlove
(spinster of this parish)
The audience held its breath as the last contender stepped onto the platform. It was none other than the legendary SNOGGO, ten times world champion. But he would truly have to be on top form today to see off the challenge posed by the Polish contestant, Andrej Stammerslotski, whose rendition of the 23rd Psalm in Lithuanian, timed to the second, had taken a numbing twelve hours precisely, and which had scored a record breaking 5.993 from the twelve judges drawn from all the greatest speech defect academies worldwide.
'Ladies and gentlemen,' came the announcement, 'the final contestant in the 2005 World Stuttering Championships is the great SNOGGO who will render Hamlet's soliloquy.' The audience gasped. 259 words to be got through! Including two words beginning with a "Q" and no less than 21 "the's"!
SNOGGO stepped up to the front of the stage, dressed dramatically for the occasion in his famous pink patent leather doublet and lilac hose; he struck an heroic pose and commenced.
"To be or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune......
The audience were puzzled. What was wrong with SNOGGO? His enunciation was perfect, each word flowed smoothly from his nimble tongue, each immortal phrase perfectly formed. And, would you believe it, he had skipped that first "Q"; Stammerslotski might have spent an hour on that "Q". Had SNOGGO lost his marbles?
"Or to take arms against a sea of troubles," continued SNOGGO, not a word out of place.
"And by......" Silence. SNOGGO uttered a strangled gasp as he struggled to force out the next word:
"Op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op....”
“And by op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-
op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-
op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-
op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op...." SNOGGO gargled frantically.
Applause broke out spontaneously. What a masterstroke! SNOGGO had left it until line 4 before going in for an implosive P! The audience settled back for what they knew might be something rather special; people in the front rows put their waterproof hats on for protection from the anticipated outpour of his spittle.
"Op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op...."
SNOGGO gulped and thrust his hands up in the air, begging God for mercy.
"Op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op
-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op-op....." he continued poetically.
The audience rose to its feet, cheering wildly and clapping in time to SNOGGO. The minutes passed and still SNOGGO went on, never breaking his rhythm. What a performance! Finally, after a neatly timed ten minutes, SNOGGO finally got it out and went on with his recitation.
"....And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd." spouted SNOGGO.
He had reverted to his carefully modulated upper class accent, his stentorian voice booming out over the amazed judges and audience. What would he do next?
"To d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d...." spluttered SNOGGO. He was off again, doing a "D", one of the hardest, most tiring and most potentially boring stutters in the business.
"D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d,"
(gulp)
"D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d," [gulp]
(snort)
"D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d
-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d...."
continued SNOGGO not so very smoothly as the applause started again, more praise for SNOGGO.
But would he risk monotony setting in? The repetitive consonants streamed out of his mouth for endless minutes, broken only by occasional frenzied gulps. And then, in a virtuoso demonstration of his impeccable technique, he broke the rhythm and went into Viennese Waltz time:
"Di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah,
di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah,
di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah,
di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah,
di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah, di-di-dah,
di-di-dah...." he trilled, a look of rapt concentration on his face as the judges nodded in appreciation of the performance.
Johannes Bumsenfinger, retired Austrian stuttering champion 1966-88 and former world record holder for a single sustained Zzzzzzzzzzz, frowned. What was SNOGGO up to? What pattern was there to SNOOGO's stuttering? Johannes looked carefully at the text of the soliloquy for a few minutes as SNOGGO continued his triplet di-di-dahs, pausing poetically for effect every 50th "dah". Suddenly Bumsenfinger realised with a jolt of abject, bowel-loosening, terror what SNOGGO was doing. Hamlet's soliloquy contains 259 words and 259 can only be arrived at by multiplying two prime numbers: 7 and 37! SNOGGO was going to stutter only seven times throughout the entire recitation but he would choose every 37th word to stumble on! Utterly fucking brilliant! (Bumsenfinger farted involuntarily, and slightly soiled his otherwise immaculate BVDs.)
But would the judges recognise the stratagem? Surely they would; Bumsenfinger knew that André de la Merde, the Belgian judge, was a part-time nuclear scientist, so he at least would understand. Johannes glanced over at the obese, chocolate-bloated Belgian who was staring at SNOGGO with a look of rapture. Yes, old de la Merde was on the case! Even so, Bumsenfinger wasn't 100% certain he had cracked SNOGGO's plan and carefully counted up to see where the 111th word would fall: it was a "that". Oh Sweet Jesus! Bumsenfinger knew SNOGGO would relish a "th".
The minutes ticked by and SNOGGO kept up his melodious di-di-dahs, then suddenly broke off and, without so much as a pause for breath, continued with the immortal Bard's immortal words. The electronic timer at the back of the stage flashed up the staggering news that SNOGGO had been on that D for 28 glorious minutes and 32 shimmering seconds!
".............To die, to sleep,” intoned SNOGGO,
“To sleep! Perchance to dream, ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause; there's the respect...."
Johannes Bumsenfinger held his breath: if he was right in his analysis, this would be it! And yes! SNOGGO suddenly seized up as though his airflow had been cut off. His upper lip was drawn back in a contorted snarl and his tongue thrashed about between his perfect teeth as he struggled to get the "th" out. No sound came from him apart from a sound like air escaping from a punctured tyre.
"Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." hissed SNOGGO dementedly, gasping for breath like a fish out of water.
"Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....". SNOGGO was unstoppable!
How the audience loved it! They stamped, cheered and roared their approval. Would the great and ever-so-wonderful SNOGGO go for the world record for a stifled "th" (a technically tongue-boggling move)? The aficionados consulted their much-thumbed copies of the Guinness Book of Stutters: 68 minutes and 34 seconds to beat for a "th", the record had been established 12 years ago by the Canadian Inuit midget, Little Fat Yellow Hunnchbak Cripplemouth. What a fucking challenge!
After just over hour of seemingly life-threatening struggles, the audience began to get restless: But SNOGGO was definitely going for the record! Yes, yes,SNOGGO was totally up for it!
"Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
(slurp)
thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
(shriek)
Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
frothed SNOGGO, his arms thrashing wildly in feigned frustration,
"thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."
69 sublime huffing and puffing minutes passed to rapturous applause and jubilation, and then, seemingly oblivious to the mounting tension, SNOGGO started hissing and panting, trying in vain to get that “that” on the wing. A slow handclap started after 75 minutes: the crowd were bored, they wanted something new. SNOGGO sensed he was losing people's sympathy and suddenly he spat it out:
"That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and......" and then he paused.
Oh no! The judges and the audience reeled in terror. They knew what the next word was! Another "th" was coming up! But SNOGGO knew better than to repeat himself and he went into an offbeat staccato mode, with accompanying foot stamping to try and force the reluctant sound from his trembling (yet butchly gorgeous) lips:
"The-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the,"
[gasp]
"the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the,"
[gurgle]
"the-he-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-the-t he..."
spluttered the great and gloriously transcendental SNOGGO in an ever higher and higher tone of voice.
By now Stammerslotski, the Polish hopeful, who had been so confident his 5.993 would be enough to wrest the gold cup away from SNOGGO, was openly weeping and his supporters were trying to comfort him in vain. But still SNOGGO frothed on, sputum coming out his mouth like seaspray on a windy winter night in Frinton-on-Sea.
"The-thuh-the-thuh, the-thuh-the-thuh, the-thuh-the-thuh, the-thuh-the-thuh,
the-thuh-the-thuh, the-thuh-the-thuh, the-thuh-the-thuh........"
After only ten minutes of that, SNOGGO had changed into two-four time to much laughter and acclaim! Then, in a dramatic turn of events, SNOGGO clutched his heart and collapsed on the stage. He rolled about screaming:
"Thurrrgggh! Thurrrggh! Thurrrgggh! Thurrrggh! Thurrrgggh! Thurrrggh! Thurrrgggh! Thurrrggh!"
Had he had a heart attack? A stroke? Or was it just another part of the performance of the decade? One final twitch and SNOGGO lay still on the deck. The audience fell silent in anxiety. They all knew that the rules of the World Stuttering Federation only allowed ten seconds' silence before instant disqualification! The referee began the countdown and on the count of nine, the great SNOGGO, still lying prostrate on the stage, continued as if nothing had happened:
".......the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of….sssssssss, of ssssssssssss” spouted SNOGGO.
“Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss."
hissed the wondrous SNOGGO as the crowd went wild with delirium and poor Andrej Stammerslotski sobbed uncontrollably into his lager.
An ecstatic two hours passed by, SNOGGO's staggering stream of stupendous sibilance interrupted only occasionally for a quick gulp of gin and tonic (with ice and lemon) to keep him going. The audience knew that he must be targeting the World Professional Hissing Record and, when he finally made it into the stammering history books (four hours and twelve minutes), utter pandemonium broke loose in the Hall. Then, without any fucking warning what-so-fucking-ever, SNOGGO suddenly snapped out of that sublime stutter with a final “sssssss”…
"Ssssssssssssssssss-suh-suh-suh something after death,
The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us bear those ills we have
Than fly to others we know not of?" trilled SNOGGO.
The crowd hung on to SNOGGO's every word. They all knew the pattern by now and they waited eagerly to see what SNOGGO would do with the next word in line for the treatment: “Us”; would SNOGGO go for the "U" or would he do a repeat hiss?
"Thus conscience does make cowards of uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH,
uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH, uh-uh-UH....". Yea, verily, SNOGGO was in cha-cha-cha rhythm now and he
began dancing excitedly around the stage, his superb body keeping time to that infectious
Latin beat, so popular with us all, his fingers snapping like Carmen Miranda on cocaine.
Understandably SNOGGO was tiring now; he had been in action for well over six and a half hours and he knew he had to gird his lips and loins for the finale, so after a tantalising fifteen minutes of uh-uh-UHs, he went into the magnificent closing section of Hamlet’s soliloquy:
"of uh-uh-UH, of uh-uh-UH us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought;
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard, their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of ah, of ah, of ah, of ah…”
He was off again! “Aaaaaaaaaaah, Aaaaaaaaah, AaaaaaaaaH, Aaaaaaaaaah, Aaaaaaaaaaah, Aaaaaaaaaah,
Aaaaaaaah, Aaaaaaaaah, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."
SNOGGO screamed semi-orgasmically to considerable acclaim, his mouth wide open and eyes tight shut in concentration.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........." he bellowed.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” he wailed.
All twelve judges were dumbfounded. They had never seen anything like this. SNOGGO appeared to be demented, racing around the stage, yelling his head off. He threw a cartwheel, never ceasing the terrifying "Aaaaaaaaahs” for a single second. Then, after a mind-blowing, maxi-decibel crescendo which rocked the Great Stuttering Hall to its very foundations, SNOGGO brought his glorious show to an end.
"And lose the name of action!" declaimed the wonderful SNOGGO, dropping to one knee and endng in a traditional paso doble pose, left hand to his buttocks and right hand raised in the air in glorious and knowing triumph.
Well, as you may imagine, the whole Hall, judges, audience, even the other stunned contestants, all leapt to their feet to give SNOGGO the greatest standing ovation in the whole history of international competitive stuttering. The final score was a foregone conclusion: every single judge (including the notoriously critically vicious four foot high Chinaman, Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi), accorded SNOGGO the supreme accolade, 6.0. Thus SNOGGO's score of 6.000 was fucking staggering,
enough to make you defecate with joy.
SNOGGO's performance on that day will go down as the most remarkable ever seen; and its bravura nature was underlined by the artistic and poetic overall timing: a precisely planned and perfectly performed seven hours, seven minutes and seven seconds. Competitive stuttering would never be the same! And thus it came to pass that SNOGGO was hailed as the greatest stutterer the world has ever known or is ever likely to know! W-w-w-w-w-w-w-well done SNOGGO!
[On the spot reporting by E-E-E-E-Edna Swer-swer-swer-Sweetlove.]
TH-TH-TH-TH-THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author notes
Please: no PC comments about trivialisation. Perr-lease!
STOP FLASH! SNOGGO's Miracle (adventure #8) is at allpoetry.com/poem/1481758 .
Written August 1st, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Best Drug/Morbid Prewrites by XneverXgoodXenoughX.
1200 points, ended October 14, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 61 of 61
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LMAO - when I finally stop laughing I'll leave a ccccccccccccccccccomment...... *screeches out in middle of work*
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This is a great story.
Only problem is it's virtually inperformable.
It doesn't fit the contest,
but it's amazing anyways,
I'll be sure to read more of his adventures after I finish th contest,
thanks for interest anyways though. -
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well done! A truly interesting adventure!
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Dear Redneck Nicole, I am pleased you have such a pretty good sense of humour; I am so pleased you have such a nice friend in Twinklestart; sadly I do not recall having been rude to him or her. I like your new spelling of stutter as "studder", that is really very original and shows your sense of humour off to very good effect.
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Wow, I'm surprised I mangaed to get thorugh that. It was really boring and repetative. I don't like it at all. It's kinda dumb (no offense) it just seems pointless. I actually take offense to this because I feel like it mocks those who studder, and my brother does. I don't think it's funny and I have a pretty good sense of humor so if I don't think something is funny it isn't. This isn't even written very well, but whatever it just might be your stlye, I don't really care. Better luck next time.
BTW, don't ever be rude to my friend twinklestart again, I won't tand for it.
Nicole -
moonlight swan - no, i couldn't think of a stuttering competition. i wouldn't think of something so stupid and annoying. i intend to capture my readers into something that shocks them, not bore them with the same few letters over and over again for paragraphs. and you read it after she deleted it from my contest. i didn't remember what contest it was from, but it was obviously from my multiple personality disorder contest, as my other ones were You Are Beautiful! where you wrote about yourself, and why you are beautiful, which this doesn't apply, and Three Words, where this definitely doesn't apply. So it doesn't apply to any. so that was the main reason it didn't capture my interest. and then to have it repeating a couple letters forever was very boring. i was barely able to finish it. that's why i don't like it, that's why i tink it's stupid. so i don't think i'll be eating my words, thank you.
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This was bizarre and strange to say the least, but I liked it. It's rare to find something so unique. Nicely done.
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Well I've never read anything like it, this was GREAT!, how does one come up with such a weird yet wonderful subject is what I would like to know, I am quite sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-speachless, great write, keep it up, love Romanee, xx
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Are you seriously denying the existence of the World Stuttering Contest?
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well this is very interesting. i can see you have a very creative mind. however, the story is a bit to unreal to believe. first of all the fact that there would be a "stuttering" contest. and then of course when the character goes off into stuttering for two hours, how can someone expect to believe the audience is intriuged? and i must say that the stuttering did last a little to long, whcih bores the reader. i'm not trying to sound mean i'm just being honest. you have a very creative mind, but i would suggest you tone it down a little in you next story.
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That was great. really amusing and imaginative.*claps*
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the story and idea behind it was amusingly comical, however slightly long. i did feel my attention wavering at times, and i feel that there needs to continually be new material. in this such story, the pretense was laid out, a little bit later SNOGGO's pattern was laid out, and then it was the reader simply scrolling through all the long lines of re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-
re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re- re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re- re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re- re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re- re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-repeats. it's just the same thing repeated over and over, "he repeats on this word, and then he switches to this tempo" constantly, and though it reflects SNOGGO himself in the repeating contest, the cleverness wears off quickly.
brian -
i loved it!
i love how it was a stuttering competition,i wanna be in one of those, maybe i could beat the all mighty SNOGGO! then again maybe not...
great job -
interesting way to write ...you GOT my attenchin lol well done
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........." he bellowed. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol -
I love these SNOGGO stories. they're so funny. this took my forever to read!
^_^ -
Wow, that is long!
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lmao lmao lmao lmao (Did I write that over (and this) just to get more points? yes!) Sorry lol, ok Yessss I loved this, I have to admit a little repetitive at times, but overall I think the most imaginitive (*cough cough*) and original story I've ever read on this site. (Except maybe the one about 'Can I nibbe your something something darling?') lol. I loove it anyway, I just skipped reading all those stutters, but...absolutely fantastic all the same, lol.
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Hell of a Stutterer
Loved it and felt exhausted bt the end.I will never look at stutteresthe same way again.I will never finish their words off or encourage them to mime instead of speak.I will wait patiently for each word to fall even if it takes all day.After all,if Snoggo is my role model dont we at least owe him that. -
great!
twinklestart, i think you should eat your words. this was a stroke of genius. i don't think you could have thought of anything half as imaginative and cool as a a s-s-s-s-s-s-s-tuttering competition. rock on, edna, im going to add you to my favourites list, this was great!
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ok whatever.
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I would prefer an honest comment instead of sycophantic insincere shit. Try a different SNOGGO story and let me know if you prefer that. There are 7 others!
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Sorry but i didn't think that this was exciting enough. It needed more excitment, by the middle of it i had got really bored so I figured that you would do something exciting but you didn't. I am quite suprised that you Edna Sweetlove from which i have read poems lots of times would make a story like this. Sorry I didn't like it.
Maria
PS: I was going to lie and say that i had ebjoyed it but, i had to say the truth. -
There's a new SNOGGO story out! allpoetry.com/poem/1481758!
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Since you didn't appreciate or understand the story, I have removed it from your contest. So th-th-th-th-th-th-th-there.
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um, i fail to see what this has got to do with my contest. as for the actual story, i didn't think it was all that good. it was very repetitive, and in my opinion, just plain stupid. stories about a stuttering competetition just don't spark my interest i guess. apperently there are people that like it, but i'm not one of them. it was well written, but i don't think it's all that great.
~Addie~ -
Olalalalalamaqui...this was so funny...which everyone has said already...so I'll say something completely original....which is, this made me want to go eat pudding really bad...so wait...WAIT RIGHT HERE!!!
*Staircase to Heaven for your enjoyment*
Okaymieus, now I'm back, I have some tapioca pudding and I'm eating it with a fork 'cause we have no spoons clean
...spoons always dissappear...STUPID SPOON ELVES!! 
I loved this...top of my funnybone-tickling-pudding-cravingness list.
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w wo wo wo wow.... this is such an amazing write! its one of the best and entertaining short story i've ever read awesome work! it's so original and fresh not to mention u tickled my funny bones too haha looking forward to your next write
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ROFLOL this took me quite some time to read, but hell I don't mind that this was truly outstanding and marvellously written I love the fact there's a Belgian judge in there Belgium rules
hehehe
Leander -
Ggggooooddd
Edna your mind is genius really let me embarrass you some more.I find very few whose minds I would like to crawl inside of for a while and poke about.This was brilliant and I am in awe.Bravo and I will read more of Snoggo tomorrow
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G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-god bless.
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i absolutely loved this. it was really creative, and immensly funny,keep it up!!
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VVG-Very Very Good
Good job! I liked it alot! all of that humor, i had tears in my eyes by the end from laughing too much. Good luck in the contest! -
Edna my love, you've da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da(to the tune of mr.sandman
)done it again! Bravo!! You had me laughing my butt off...Which is a good thing too, 'cause it's starting to get pretty wide. I loved it, Snoggo fascinates me. Much love to you and yours,
Nicole
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Wow, you weren't kidding when you said this was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong story, oh wel, I don't have time to read it no so I read like half and it seemed good so good JOb
bagel -
Edna you are !a riot and thank God you never keep quiet.Laughed outloud when I read this write and am going to give stuttering a try myself tonight.Your work is nothing short of brilliant and in a strange way I felt the more loving and sweet side of your character coming out! Long live Snoggo1Wish I could afford to applaud and promote this sensational story but will return when I have some points!
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may be amusing but it tried my patience
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For some people this is a serious problem. This was meant as a humorous story and you did a good job. I enjoyed the story and found it to be very funny.
Cheryl
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You don't get it? Oh dear. Don't you have a sense of humour?
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i dont get it, is it meant to be funny?
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kind of er an intersting piece lol not sure if i could handle a book of it though lol interesting piece, keep me coming...
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My thanks for the honourable mention and the award of 100 lovely points which have already been spent in promoting this tale of the great SNOGGO. More SNOGGO tales in the pipeline.
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Wow, that was interesting. I've never read anything like that before. Very unique...well done! K-k-k-k-k-k-k-ke-ke-kee-keep, w-w-w-w-w-w-wr-wwrr-writing!!
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... aaaahhh Finally I can exhale. Let the sinning begin!!!
Amazing to me even more so that you can draw us along with us through the entire artful performance.
I want your mind -- for probing experimentation. Nothing painful, I promise. -
You are very sodding accurate. Thank you. I have added the missing closing bracket. He who lives by the sword must accept the slings and arrows of outrageous thingy.
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Well written. Love your verbiage. Funny and well presented. Silly!
stentorian voice
I want that line!
(including the notoriously critically vicious four foot high Chinaman, Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi
Needs the ending )
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I am glad you pointed me in the direction to read this one. I do think that is funny, I was laughing out loud as i read it. I have a cousin with a stutter and the whole time I was imagining him trying to say "the" th th th the the..he is only 4 so it is adorable but still very very funny. Here is an applaude for you and i must say I was impressed with this
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lol. youre a freakin' nut dear.
And not one F word.
That is about as out of your box as you can get.
will you marry me?
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Ta to all who liked the story. No more stuttering comments anyone, OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOK?
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GR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-REAT!!!!!
I l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-liked it v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-very m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
B-b-b--briliant!
Despite what others might think, I thought this was a w-w-w-w-w-w....[ahem], a wah-wah-wah-wah....[sighs!]
a great write
Keep up the great work (go SNOGGO!)
EH -
KKKKKKKKKKKKKkakakakakakakiller write.Second one to steal my breath away.Way worth the read.Thanks for sharing this.Wish I had a stuttering friend to share it with.
Peace,Rob -
You little minx Edna, you do like to get them fired up don't you? I for one, always read your stuff at work - I AM NOT AFRAID! This is brilliant, SNOGGO is a global treasure - didn't look at the contest, but who needs to. All speech defect sufferers with a sense of humour should read this - it is truly inspirational, particularly for our young folk in this lead up to the Olympic Games. Brava. You need to publish a SNOGGO novel. I'm going to use all my remaining daily applause for you sweetie. xx Rach xx
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Actually what I was implying is that you don't have time to give constructive criticism, only "stupid ignorant rubbish" like: "Do you have a magnifying glass? How is one expected to read TIN*Y red print on a black background? A little bit of forethought would not have come amiss. Good photo." Thanks for the compliment on the photo though. It was exactly what I was picturing in my mind. BTW, I wasn't slamming your story, I did enjoy it.
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I enjoy constructive criticism. It's stupid ignorant rubbish I have no time for. Please be as savage as possible. But NO grammatical mistakes!
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This was outstanding. I was laughing during the entire story. However now I see why you don't have time for constructive criticism. Keep the humor comming though.
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Can you put that into English sweetie?
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Good
um does she really not know what a scrollbar is??? anywho that was weird different and longer then need to be good luck in all your writes and all you do in life -
Don't you like SMUT at work? When I worked (I packed in that load of shit when I was too drunk to keep clients) I loved FILTH & PORN.........
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This is great, Edna. I always appreciate it when you write a clean piece every so often so that I can read it at work! This is hilarious! You always know how to make me laugh.
keep it up.... -
What the fuck is a scrollbar? Your computer's shortcomings are not my fault, dear.
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I think you should fix the alignment with this. I should have to scroll sideways to read this. Actually, what I'm trying to say is that I should have to work to read your prose. It's probably good, but I just don't have time to play with the scrollbar.
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