not knowing the happenings of such a crazy night
I wondered what has happened to me
crashing to the floor and choking on my upcoming vomit
I have a problem but I cant find help
I feel like my actions are screaming out
but no one hears my call day after day
I mean one day I'm fine and then the next
I'm so drunk I cant see
I don't understand why I keep on doing it
I do it for the love of my friends
but I feel so alone when I finally am drunk
I drink because of pain
but I'm in pain because I drink
so I sip the bottle a little at a time
till a little comes to a lot
and a lot comes to please more wine
they all hate me when I'm sober
but when I'm drinking its different
I come out of my shell and people love me
but I still feel so lonely
to the point were I wake up in someones bed
unaware of the encounter I had
did I sleep with him, or maybe just fool around??
did he rape me or did I just pass out
I always wake up with the same feeling
being scared but a lil excited
scared that I did something stupid
and my friends wont except me
but excited because I may have done something right
making me the happening of the party
when I come home drunk off my ass
does it stop there
no I go out the same night
for the cycle to start all over again
Author notes
please give me some very critical comments even to the point of being mad, this is my very first free-verse EVER and I want some pointers...but please dont be too mean lol thanx!
Written August 1st, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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ya, drinking is bad lol. I liked this poem. I dont think im ever going to drink after seeing my mom come home drunk...and im always the one who has to babaysit her. ARRG! Anyway good poem, thanx for the comment you gave me, and good luck in the contest
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very good write dont let anyone tell you different. i loved it keep up the great work.
love sandra -
you've done well for your first free verse. i'll give you a few pointers that are in my humble opinion
first... i noticed you used "I" a bit too much... try to find another way to say what you want without "I"
second... using a word too many times is not good... try to find synonyms rather than repeat a word. such as "drunk", "drinking", "love", "little"
third... when writing a poem keep in mind that you want to "show" not "tell"
i hope i helped some like i said this is good for a first free verse. i'd like to read it again should you decide to work on it and edit
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This is a really good poem, although I had a bit of problem reading it. Scrolling down the lines on this computer is like pulling hair from the inside of thighs with a tweezer...painful. I liked the poem and it is a very, VERY good poem if it is your first free-flow
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Good First Write!
Actually this is a great first poem as it comes straight from the hear and vividly describes the effect that drink can have!But as you so wisely said it is all an illusion a real delusion and you wake up really sad.The poem was raw and very effective and description spot on.Looking forward to reading more poems from you! -
thank you!! that means alot, I will always say this but a good poet is when u can take a situation and have someone relate to it, so I am glad you did..it means a whole lot! thanx!
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Just blow Horus off, he is crude and rude.. Unless he likes you.. This write is good though. Being someone who was the person in the poem, I can honestly say, you nailed the topic quite well. Good luck in the contest. Athena
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thank you very much I agree. I like rhyming poems but I just wanted to try...but I like how you were CRITICAL but not RUDE! so thank you very much!
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umm i think that was kinda rude for horus to say something like that, ill just have to check out his writes and see how good he thinks he is....anyways i really liked your poem. you really brought out how someone can be a lonely drunk and never know what happened that night and you just keep living it over and over again. im not much for a free verse type but this was good, not choppy and all over the place, its well kept together. good work!
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That was honest, would you like me to dissect it for you like
a college professor, or a published poet? -
wow that was a really rude comment and I cant even believe yuo wrote that, never have I ever had someone write something so undignified, I asked for a critical but nice commment on my first free form poem, if you dont have anything nice to say thats fine but do not make a comment and be rude you can be critical but still be proffesional
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You have a problem alright, your poetry.
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Good write - filled with pain and honesty
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Omg great write, I love the way its worded and flows, I understand the drinking and the never ending cycle, its so hard to stop. Anyway this was a good poem, good imagery, good emotions, And best of all it didnt rhyme.
-Ash
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hey this is really good.. i liked it alot.. great job with free form.. i have been doing alot of free form lately.. i really liked this.. it had kind of a suspensfull build to it.. i really liked this.. great job! love you!
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