i elicited a gasp from captives
in veneer prisons dangling
on the wall with their captured
façade smiles -oh so très faux pas-
(as if they have never done the deed
or ever thought of doing so)
even shocked the moon into a blush,
turned him completely inside out
when i unzipped my inhibitions, leisurely,
snaked up the length of your nakedness.
i slunk into the liquidity of your eyes
and found titillation in the flutter of a lash,
caught your sigh with the risen peak of my breast.
with a kiss, you muted seclusion's
taunt, a murmur hushed isolation's
boisterous quiet; each aspiration invoked
wanton quakes from the delta of my thighs.
yet, when i flipped back this vignette,
shoved this fantasy into retrograde,
i could only think of how i would use
the word existentialism in a sentence.
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 64 of 64
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Thanks Erin,
I'm not feeling the best as of late so forgive me for my short reply. I haven't been on the net to much.
~Dee -
hrrm, bare in mind that i'm not generally fond of poetry that has overt erotic overtones. i'm not sure why this is. it's just a direction in writing that tends not to move me. well... maybe it moves me, but not in the direction one would expect. anyway, that said:
the ending of course is a bit strange. i get the impression you were challenged by someone (an ap contest?) to write a poem that used the word "existentialism". i also find that i'm unable to connect the general content of the rest of the poem to the concepts of existentialism.
the most interesting stanza for me would be the third stanza. i think this could be separated from the rest of the poem to make its own little quatrain poem.
"liquidity" is an interesting way to describe a pair of eyes. they do seem kind of milky i suppose.
"titillation" is a word that didn't seem right for it's location. not sure why. suppose i tend to see words related to "titillate" when i encounter erotica/sensual poems.
the enjambment between "seclusion's / taunt" and "isolation's / vociferousness" were a bit jarring to me. while i can see "vociferous" being used in a 'poetic' context, "vociferousness" for some reason seems strained to me. something less drawn out would seem to flow more smoothly (since this is sensual, smoothness makes sense right?) like "clamor", "commotion", "chatter". "clamor" actually has a sense for 'solicitation', which seems to be part of the intimation.
well those are me thoughts. hope they're alright.
Edited on Sep 25, 6:01 because ''. -
Yes you are usually right about capitalization. But when the whole piece is not capitalized then everything shouldn't be capitalized. If you read some of the other writers like onerios13 you'll see that when she doesn't capitalize then her first person "i" (I) isn't capitalized either. This piece is completely uniformed with its lack of capitalization. Yet still, I'm glad you enjoyed the read. I consider this my best write.
~Dee -
Thanks for entering our contest…
Well I liked the opening stanza very powerful indeed, and the mix in-between two languages…
I know way too much about that, mmm well the second stanza I must recall is my favorite I saw much more display of emotions, as you describe something perhaps more melancholic, and a bit more morbid so do speak… , this must sound odd but “muted” that word has been hunting me and you just used in the way I might have wanted but couldn’t come out of me, 
the overall product I liked, the rich vocabulary you in no way got trapped in cliché, and well the punctuation was well crafted, the stanza divisions too, I only have a slight complain, I always point out, and I don’t even know if I’m right and that is just the way I learned English , is to capitalize the “I” you know as a fist person and the other complain must be the background although luckily I have this thing that I like to paste them on word to spell check and to I don’t know… still one remarkable job…
Best Wishes In the Contest
Leslie
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Hi, well this is a gem, a real gem, I loved it every word every line, great my friend you have my applause and all the best in the comp, you do not need luck, a very big hug Di
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Whoah, definitely titilating. The author seems completely in command of the situation, controlling each moment. I love the last lines.
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the last stanza ruined a relatively solid and at points moving poem.
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Why thank you Blaze. This write took me a while until I got the "feel" I wanted from it. I must admit this one is my favorite. I am so glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
this is a nice write have to agree with jaye on the complex vocabbulary hung me up a bit (alas I am but a vocab simpleton) but a solid write with a nice flow good luch with the finals
love and light
blaze -
Definitely not a shabby write. Not in the slightest. There really is no 'error' to it. With such a vast amount of complex vocabularly, it grew a small bit confusing for a moment but it was not anything that overtook the piece. I can assure you that.
Thank you muchly for applying for APTP 2. The finalists should be revealed within the next couple of days, so stay tuned.
- Justin -
Thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Excellent work!
First chance I got to read one of your works and I am still reeling from the thoughts and images it brought forth. Excellent write and I wish you the best of luck with this one in the contest. Keep up the great work. Joyce (sunny day)
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Thanks so much, glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
i love your use of language.. so intellectual and yet so simple . good stuff
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Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee
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I loved this, it was beautiful and captivating with hints at erotic and arousing, teasing and tantalizing. Yet I think the last verse amused me, I've never been one for big words, not being all that articulate, so, I may have missread this,
\yet, when i flipped back this vignette,
shoved this fantasy into retrograde,
i could only think of how i would use
the word existentialism in a sentence.\
But I loved this poem, it was truly wonderfull and you should be proud of such an amazing write. Good job and keep writing.
-Ash : :
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Ah, rhyming is definetly not my forte! Maybe one day I'll attempt one. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Wonderful words, glad you didn't have to find rhyming words to go with them. This is great!
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I love it when someone describes my writes with adjectives like elegant. I am so glad you enjoyed the read.
~humbly Dee
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Thanks so much for your kind words. Glad you enjoyed the read
~Dee -
Very Elegant write..such nice poem..very well written and great tastful imagery..excellent job..I enjoyed the read very much..good luck in the big contest
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This is an extremely beautiful poem! Thank you so much for sharing something of this quality with us. I abolutely love the stanza with:
even shocked the moon into a blush,
turned him completely inside out
when i unzipped my inhibitions, leisurely,
snaked up the length of your nakedness.
Good job! Best of luck in the contest! -
Hi jane,
Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read.
Hope this finds you well today
~Dee -
Thanks so much for the wonderful compliment.
~Dee -
Extraordinary
Sensational! -
nice work..it was a timeless masterpiece...very well written in all of its' glory! ~Rush
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this was quite beautiful and lovely. You have described a perfect scene for love and passion. wonderfully written and it flowed nicely too. Great job on this I really enjoyed reading it and found myself caught up in it. Thank you for sharing it. it was great work!!!
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Thanks Tony, it's been a while since I've featured this piece. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Dee this is really fantastic. I don't know if I have seen this before but I have no idea how I missed it if I have not. I really enjoyed the read and the words that you have used. An absolutely pivotal step in the aura that you have built around you. Tony.
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Oh thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Wow, just wow. This is how poetry should be written if one is going to write about sex and the feelings that go with it. I thought you made the images beautiful rather than just lustful. I don't know if that made sense. Really loved the fact that you made this piece beautiful to the very end. Good luck in the contest.
Miseria -
fast read, well written, hard to see on this background but that's neither here nor there.
i liked it. the last line's the best one. -
Oh dear sweet James, you have just made me misty-eyed with your wonderful comment which, in itself was poetic. Thanks so much for the wonderful comment and the inspiration. Now, I want to go write something...purrrrdeeeee
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Sex spoken in the words of poetry....
How beautiful!!!! Most people would have just come right out and said the dirty nasty things that everyone knows each of us do, but you, on the other hand, created a landscape of words that actually kept me interested and didn't throw me away with it's cliche representations of the human sexual drive and the body itself.
This, by far, is one of the most creative pieces entered into the final round. I look forward to reading more of your work, personally, seeing that I find a great pontential in your writing.
You put down words to the page with such professionality that I can't help, but to hope that you publish. I never knew there were this many amazing writers on this site, until myself and slaughter formed the elitists. You have made me feel more welcome here, just by knowing that there are brilliant people still out there, they're just hiding underneath the folds of allpoetry's skin.
A excellent example of good poetry.
much love,
James
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Thanks so much, glad you enjoyed the read. Yes you read it correctly.
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Oh my thanks so much for the wonderful compliment. Glad you enjoyed the read. I've got another poem like it roaming around waiting to be caught
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Wonderful!
This is YOUR fault, Dah'l and you should shout it. Wonderful work that begs to be dissected and reassembled and mused and remused. You're harboring an innate sensuality that is yearning to be written in volumes. I haven't felt this gratified from a poem in while. -
Thanks Lea,
Best wishes always! -
stanza three is wonderful. then again so is the rest of this piece. I love the descriptions throughout, very vivid and also the vocabulary is excellent and enjoyable. a great entry for this contest,
Lea -
Absolutely! I can't believe that slipped by me! Thanks so much.
~Dee -
should "snaked up the length your nakedness" not include 'of' between 'length' and 'your'?
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Awww thanks so much for your kind words.
~Dee 
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Thanks ricochet, as always I value your critique.
~Dee -
Thanks so much for your kind words.
Good luck with your writing endeavors too.
~Dee -
Thanks Edna. I do make mistakes with punctuation and grammar quite often. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Well, it is unusual to find someone on this website who is aware how to use an apostrophe or two correctly and who has the balls to screw punctuation. I am pig-sick of grammatical ignorance. So you deserve an applaud for being literate and educated. Oh yes, I forgot the traditional salutation: "Wow" Awesome! Great Write, like, keep on writing, LOL
Edited on Jul 31, 7:21 p.m. because 'typo. I HATE typos. I shall cutr off mhy finger next gtime - you should be more careful too'. -
Good
This was a little different from the normal but I liked it it was good. I to loved the end very good good luck in all your writes and good luck in all you do -
I liked: the great descriptions going on here. In my opinion, you got lots of stuff going on for you in this poem. I feel that I can live in this work of yours.
I disliked: "façade smiles -oh so très faux pas-" -- I feel this line is too much of a novelty. In truth, I think it is very noticeable, however I don't think it adds to the rest of your poem. Still, that's very creative of you. -
This is SIMPLY AWESOME! I'm almost speechless! Wonderful style, haunting, teasing, tantilizing, splendorous, and igniting! Very imaginative and creative...full of fanciful fantasy!
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amazing style
this is really great. the ending is very good. i love your style so much! i have to read more stuff by you. good luck in the contest. <3 jess -
Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
I'm sorry about the colors. I know how it is with my eyes not being the greatest.
Thanks for reading it any way.
~Dee -
pure blissfulness .... and such a clever ending. everything sensous loving poetry should be. bookmarking, this should be in print.
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This is extremely creative and certainly different.. but i have to strain my eyes to read it because of the contrast in colours and well thats hard!! good one x
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Thanks so much glad you enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Wow, this was very creative and well written. You did a great job on this write. keep writing and thank you for sharing it.
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Thanks so much glad you enjoyed this wander away from the usual.
~Dee -
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Oh thank you so much for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed reading, my experiment. I just let go with this write.
~Dee -
Another fine piece, I think it's a wonderful piece.
yet, when i flipped back this vignette,
shoved this fantasy into retrograde
i could only think of how i would use
the word existentialism in a sentence.
the final stanza is incredible. -
Bland
Whateva. -
WOW, Dee...I am wordless!! This is absolutely breath-taking poetry! Wonderful application of word-art and vocabulary and oh, so sexy and so deep - I just loved this! I think this is one of the best poems I've read lately...it sits so sensually, yet also with a tinge of melancholy and nostalgia in the eye. I loved these lines:
i slunk into the liquidity of your eyes
and found titillation in the flutter of a lash,
caught your sigh with the risen peak of my breast
WOW - pure genius, pure delight! You make me wish I had written this! Beautiful and very creative poetry!! I am so glad I clicked on this poem!!
~ Nicolette
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Heheh, this reminded me of one of the episodes of the Gilmore Girls. The mom was being hit on by a college guy, and used the word "existentialism", turned to the daughter and said "I am so proud that I worked existentialism into a conversation!"
I love "unzipped my inhibitions". That's a beautiful phrase that I might borrow one day in a conversation. Great write!
Lauren -
BRAVA
"yet when i flipped back this vignette,
shoved this fantasy into retrograde;
i could only think of how i would use
the word existentialism in a sentence."
You need to change you name to DivineSarcasm! This is sparkling. I am so glad I put you on my favorites as you never disapoint me, never! So glad we all could jump-start your existentialism! Brava! Brava! Brava!
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