"SNOGGO And The Giant Sea Beast" (SNOGGO's Sixth Astounding Adventure)
written by
Edna Sweetlove
on behalf of
the one and only
SNOGGO
The shore lay peaceful in the warmth of the sun, a seemingly idyllic picture. The beach was completely empty even though it was high summer. The whole town was void of visitors: usually at this time of the year it was crawling with tourists: fat white slobs ready to absorb maximum sunshine and sunburn before going back to the city with their ugly kids, back to their humdrum and drab lives of sedentary drudge. But not today, today they were nowhere to be fucking seen.
Glum shopkeepers stared glumly out at the glum, empty streets, knowing they faced ruin unless the terror which had engulfed their town and which would bring calamity to their traditional summer occupation of fleecing the tourists could be sorted out. And only I, the wonderfully brave and intrepid SNOGGO, could save the town. They knew it and I knew it. It was an established fact. Q.E.D.
As I drove my specially designed truck down the main street to the seafront, people cheered, calling out 'God bless you, dearest, gallant SNOGGO' as I went by. I cautiously inched onto the sands as people watched from behind their curtains, hoping against hope that I would be able to save them from looming disaster. I motored down to the water's edge and carefully turned the vehicle round so that its rear pointed out to sea. The tarpaulin on the back of the specially constructed SNOGGOMOBILE flapped in the wind. What was under the tarpaulin?
I dragged a steamer trunk from under the tarpaulin, opened it and hauled out the stinking carcase of Geoffrey, my neighbour's Rottweiler who had inexplicably gone missing last week. Or it may have been Gerald, Geoffrey's twin brother. Next I hauled Gerald's corpse out of the trunk (or it may have been Geoffrey's, the two mutts were identical and repellent in death, just as they had been identical and repellent in life). The pong was something awful. Nearly gagging with the rancid and stomach-churning stench, I dragged the two dead dogs down to the shoreline and, grabbing each by its hind legs, hurled them out to sea as far as my mighty strength would permit. About five yards, as it happened.
I returned to the SNOGGOMOBILE and drew back the tarpaulin to reveal what lay underneath; my secret weapon, whose secret only I knew. I made my preparations carefully but rapidly; I knew I had no more than five or six minutes’ leeway. And sure enough, after precisely five and a half minutes, I heard the sound I was expecting and I saw the sight I was expecting.
The mighty fin of the dreadful fish cut through the water with a dreadful whoosh. And Geoffrey disappeared beneath the waves (or it might have been Gerald, who cares). The other dog would be next: such a mighty shark as the one enjoying dog tartare in the bay would not be sated by a single Rotweiler.
I climbed onto the back of the SNOGGOMOBILE, and leaped gracefully into the seat behind my secret weapon. I aimed quickly at the focal point of the blood-stained thrashing waters, pressed the red button (marked "Fire" for ease of reference) and WHAM!, what a Hell of a big bang, and off went my thermo-nuclear torpedo, whizzing down the beach and SPLASH! into the water, then WALLOP! as it hit the shark amidships and BOOM! as it went off, blowing the shark into fucking smithereens. Myriad bits of shark (mixed with bits of Geoffrey and Gerald) rained down on the beach; how fortunate that I had thought to put up my extra-size golf-umbrella (complete with colourful SNOGGO logo) to deal with this eventuality and no lumps hit me.
The enormous shark (wittily nicknamed “that fucking great bastard shark” by the locals) which had terrorised the entire coast for some time, gobbling up swimming kiddies whole, chewing off the limbs of dozens of swimmers, and generally being a major pain the arse, was no more. It was mincemeat. The whole promenade was alive with cheering townsfolk, as I smiled in happiness and pride at my wonderful achievement. They started singing my favourite song: “We love SNOGGO, SNOGGO the brave” which brought fucking tears to my eyes.
Now SNOGGO's reward beckoned: ten thousand lovely wallet-warmers (plus expenses) plus a night of unbridled lust with the mayor's buxom wife Shirley and his sister Deidre too, as previously arranged. Yes, SNOGGO the famous shark killer (and threesome fan) had killed yet another predator of the deep stone fucking dead.
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author notes
A critic has commented on my spelling of carcase instead of carcass. Both are correct.
If you enjoyed this SNOGGO tale: there are 8 others to relish, so get going....................
One back to allpoetry.com/poem/1405465
or one forward to allpoetry.com/poem/1426235 ...
On the other hand, you might like to meet the Filthbox family, Agnetha the goat and Monsieur Merde at allpoetry.com/poem/1452693 - at your own risk.
Written 29th July, 2005 by Edna. About SNOGGO.
In a list
A contest entry
- Undersea Adventure by intanglio2ring.
300 points, ended April 28, 2006, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Tall Tale by pattyann4500.
1150 points, ended July 8, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Semi quickie kinda maybe by tarcus.
667 points, ended July 25, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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That fucking great bastard shark is definitely, the, phrase of the whole thing.
I am astounded at times as to how your mind works.
Then again I doubt if I would like to be inside such a confused and befuddled symbol of glorious eccentricity. (Your mind darling; only your mind).
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God bless you for giving me another fabbo-wabbo virtual thingy to put on my virtual shelf. And all those virtual points, yummy yummy. I am currently working on a new SNOGGO tale.
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Amid the bunnies I had to laugh, and this piece would have made Mark Twain proud in his older, naughtier days. What a piece for my contest. Thank you, Edna. I am pleased and smiling.
Patricia
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Not what I was looking for but thanks for entering x
"pressed the red button (marked "Fire" for ease of reference)" That was an awesome line.
Take care and good luck x -
Very funny!
Ok this is pretty wild.
Very unique my friend, thanks for the laugh, allways nice to read a funny little story on a morning when the world just feels like shit!
Good job!
Yes, SNOGGO the famous shark killer (and threesome fan) had killed yet another predator of the deep stone fucking dead.
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Stopped after the first paragraph, bored out of my skull.
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To the ultra-dim "Fall of Rome!:-
I'd be grateful if you would take your teenage opinions and shove them. You were bored out of your skull? Too many long words for you, I expect. Good bye. I have no interest in any reply of any sort, ever.
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>We love SNOGGO, SNOGGO the brave” which brought fucking tears to my eyes.
Oh you softie.
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Hello, my name is Edna Sweetlove and I'm a freak. BLEHBLEHBLEH. WTF is Snoggo, anyway? It's like, the making-out superhero of death. Wow.
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As wit, it's sick, full of animal bits.
There was no referral to any shark shit.
Would there have been Rottweiler pieces in the feces?
But alas, no shit was shat, for that shark was blasted.
So goodbye to thee, oh fucking great bastard.
I'm sure I will feel better after I vomit.
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(wittily nicknamed “that fucking great bastard shark” by the locals) hehe oh Snoggo.
This is crazy fun.
Thanks for the read, nice shiny trophy!
Creatress -
This is too Funny
Your adventures are so witty and entertaining that I had to come back for one more. As I already see, you penned a winner here so you don't need me to tell you that. I am over here laughing my fucking ass off so hard. I think I need some water, can you spare a drink? Hugs~ Cuddles -
sexism, cruelty to animals, harsh labelling. your stories have it all.
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LOL!
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"SNOGGO the Great, SNOGGO the Bad,
SNOGGO - SNOGGO - I'm addicted, I love wacked stories. Thanks you for entering and for a most enjoyable story. I will be reading more of SNOGGO! Good Luck in the contest. -
sorry to be rude but,i didn't think it was that wonderful,it had its ups and downs,it's an OK story
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Dear Montez: A couple of times you kindl said you enjoyed one of my SNOGGO stories....why not join the FANS OF SNOGGO group, then you'll never miss another in this lovely series.
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Dear starlessnights: ..Way way back you said you enjoyed one of SNOGGO's stories....why not join the FANS OF SNOGGO group, thej you'll never miss another in this wondrous saga.
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“Nowhere to be fucking seen.” So fucking unnecessary, I love it. I also loved the unnecessary confusion over the twin dogs. SNOGGO is a hero. You are a crazy fuckwit. I mean that as a compliment.
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Oh, god, this made me laugh, especially the line:
The enormous shark (wittily nicknamed “that fucking great bastard shark” by the locals)
At last, a funny, light-hearted (well, slightly..) story we can read and laugh at! Stories are too serious nowadays, we need more fun. well done. -
Excellent
Edna,
I must congratulate you on a very silly story.
Tremendous fun from beginning to end, and exceptionally well written, both grammatically and spelling-wise(that's if the - SHOULD be there, I can't quite remember from schooldays!)
I'm no fan of Batman or Wonderwoman or whatever those daft heros are called, but this Snoggo has a lot going for him.
Would you please ask him if he's any good at studying racehorse form? Perhaps he could tell me what's going to win the big race on Saturday - after all, compared with pitting one's wits against fucking huge white sharks, it's not really a lot to ask is it?
Robin.
PS Have a well-deserved applause. -
Snoggo loves snogging. It's as simple as that.
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I like it!
This is very interesting. How did you come up with the name Snoggo? It's a quite unusual name for a quite unsual character. I like it!
~Rachel
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i love that you constintly use the F word. i think it is hillarious and it just works for SNOGGO. i really liked the WHAM! SPLASH! and the WALLOP! they made me think of comic books.
i cnat wait to see what new monster ,and love interest,SNOGGO faces next.
great job -
This is going to win, so far.
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I'm not an F word fan and feel a good writer doesn't need it. Maybe with a shark story; since sharks are so much like lawyers it is called for though. Wish you'd read my story but its really a novel and isn't your cup of tea; you sound tooo... tooo... sharkish.
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Honestly I don't see how this fits inmy contest. All it had in it was a couple of dead bodies and blowing up some shark.
I liked the one you entered before, but this just seems lame in comparison. -
This is awsome. I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. Excellent, now I HAVE to read more of your work. Keep it up and I'll keep reading.
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To me this reads like a comic book which gives it a unique appeal. I haven't found many writings that carry out adventures of a single character on AP before. This is different and I always like different. Best wishes and 
s... ~genielassie~
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I loved how you wrote this one, at the beginning you explained the day, the sun the warmth, the emptiness of the beach etc...
Your little details now and then made me giggle
All of the "fucking's" except for one weren't necesary this is the one that i thought fitted in, "The enormous shark (wittily nicknamed “that fucking great bastard shark” by the locals)"
This story was way better than the other one. This had exciment, the other one, well hmm.....etc. I liked this one a lot, hope that you keep on writing as well as this and good luck in the contest!!!
Maria -
But this includes horror: dead dogs, a shark blown apart. I admit there's a bit of humour there too.....
Anyway, I'm pleased you like my other horror story: "Goodnight, Simon" and I would exhort all readers to go there forthwith: www.allpoetry.com/story/1466827 for a good wallow. -
Fabulously Horrifically Funny
You are so sweet that I feel positively covered in sticky goo!Love the way you write!What a sense of humour and a fantastically horrific tale .Quite understand the mix up between the man and the savage dog it is an easy mistake to make! -
This is hilarious, your writes are just SO funny. I love this very much, really, keep up the good work. You are SO going on my favorites list!
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Hilarious!
Oh my... I'm not quite sure where to start on this one
ooooh, I know.... 'Go SNOGGO!'
This was a great story. Very funny (and wildly interesting) I can't wait to read the continuing saga on Snoggo.
EH
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