I’m in the rain, I see dark cloudsthough there is a garden at my feet.
My boots are in the desert sand,
her love is trampled underneath.
I see a star, is it the same
she perhaps is viewing too?
Two gaze into the azure night
a star weaves one love out of two.
Should I have hugged her? It means a lot
to those made of the fairer form,
but for us who're hewn from rougher stock
more an embarrassment than the norm!
I ponder what she’s thinking now:
Unsaid words? Glances exchanged?
Should I have left her more to hold?
I see the dark clouds in the rain.
From out of nowhere a mortar shell
descends upon the place I stand
whistling down through the rain
I fall to pieces in the sand.
For a brief second I hear her prayers
from the churchyard where she kneels.
Why couldn’t I say that last goodbye?
Is this the same pain that she feels?
To the breeze I confess my love
practiced for a day of vowthat will not come now, little bird,
my words will never reach her now.
As time passes, will she feel
the same way when we felt the same?
I wonder, and as my vision dims
I see the dark clouds in the rain.
In collaboration with A Winter's Night... by raspberry
Author notes
In collaboration with A Winter's Night... by raspberry
Written July 28th, 2005
In a list
- Based on the Writing of Others- Derivations- Some • next in list
- * raspberry • next in list
- Military and War- Most • next in list
A contest entry
- Winners Only by kirbysman.
500 points, ended July 31, 2005, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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"I see dark clouds though there’s a garden at my feet". Happens to everyone at times doesn't it? I loved the whole write. It sort of reminded me of the person I love. It was sort of freaky that it did. Oh well. Anyways...where was I? ah, yes! an ice write. A lot of ideas and wonderful imagery hiding here, peeking out at you at times and show their presence. Beautiful friendly ghosts.
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This is an awesome piece, a great part of a fantastic collaboration. The idea of two people exchanging looks and wandering about one another is fantastic, and you and raspberry did a great job, I loved the similarites between the poems, the stars in both... etc.
Great job, congratz on the silver!
Lady anairO
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Superb!
A really fabulous write and straight from the hear.Very powerful imagery and with a romantic feel that is clean,clear and not too sentimental.You have a real talent with words and it always great to read your work! -
wow, this is really beautiful..
an exellent piee of poetry.. I enjoyed every word..
I loved the first stanza like anything...
all the best in the ontest... keep writing..
Luv
Neha -
snifffing, crying, wiping==writing.
Whomping, chick magneting, tearjerker wbiro. Had to grab the hanky on this one, at least no one will say personal experience, hope you get better. Loved it, takes a great man to do the unmacho thing=Hugs ann -
this is a really capturing piece. my fav. line of this is 'Two gaze into the azure night
the star weaves one love out of two.'
that really stands out in your poem. lovely job!
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Great job on this write - I was fascinated from the first moment I began to read. And, surprised and yet not surprised I guess by the turn it took if you know what I mean. Good use of images and thoughts of the mind - I found myself pausing . . . picturing . . . and thinking as I read. Congratulations on the silver - you two certainly deserved it.
Paul -
WOW... This is awesome!!! you did a great job on this one!!! I think those two poems go together greatly!!!
Hugs,
Beth
PS GOOD LUCK IN THE CONTEST!!! -
Wonderful wbiro.. Ill b back again on this page.. u have made such a daring entry here.. in such a short time.. EXCELLENT ! and it vibes soo well with mine.. I can't just imagine.. Lets hope for the best And I likedt he title u chose.. and the background goes soo well !!
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